She stopped loving me but I need her in my life

[Chrisg7]

So my girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year until a few days ago. I loved her and still love her more than I thought possible to love someone, and I should probably start by explaining what happened. I am a high school student but that doesn't mean I have any less capacity for emotion.

 

Over the past month she had seemed really distant which concerned me and then on Saturday she went to this party and the next day I see pictures on Facebook Of her grinding on and having her arms around this other guy she had been texting and stuff and she looks happier than ever in the pictures. So I call her and Tell her I'm on the verge of breaking up with her for this reason and because she hadnt treated me right lately. and she begs me not to and says she will do anything not to lose me so I say I will give her one more chance.

 

Over the next few days she can't accept how hurt I am about what she did and she keeps saying it's no big deal and she starts to get mad at me for being upset which makes me more upset and things start to spiral put of control. we were about to make it up and I ask her why she didn't have any desire to dance with other guys earlier and she said something is just Different and she keeps telling me how much she loves me Which helps me feel better. I then ask her if it's a friend love or romantic love and she says both but then says mostly friend so then I call her.

 

I immediately ask if she considers me a friend or a boyfriend and she says friend and I cant help but start really crying and I feel so hurt that I start to throw up. She says she has to end this so she will stop hurting me because she hurts everyone she is close to. I cry to her to just think this over for a little while or to give me another chance but she just says it's over and hangs up the phone.

 

I've never felt this hurt in my life, I treated her better than anyone else in the world would and she knows that, so I don't see why she threw away what we had built up for over a year so quickly. I'm so confused why she begged for me not to break up one day and then did it so emotionlessly the next. More than anything I just want her back, she made me so happy and I cant stand to be apart from her. I have been crying for the past 3 days, and this is coming from a guy who NEVER cries. I have talked to a counselor and every friend that I have but I still feel so lost. I hope someone will please give me some guidance. When I see her in school she pretends like I'm invisible to her and looks totally happy. Someone please help

[wysiwyg6000]

You don't want to be with someone like that, not by a long shot. I know the feeling of loving someone so much and having them rip your heart out of your chest...it sadly seems to be a common theme with these posts. The good news is that next time you'll find a woman who treats you right and appreciates the way that you take care of her. She'll look back on this with regret one day, but you won't be around to see it because you'll have long forgotten about her since you're going to be with someone who genuinely loves you.

[gator12]

You need to go into NC, and I am going to give you two very good reasons for it, and the define what I mean by NC.

 

1. You need to heal, you need to attempt to move on. Going into NC is hard but it helps you heal alot faster than talking to her, and eventually you will become objective towards the relationship and then can really analyze your problems. I mean other than the cause of the break up, you did have other ones and they need to be dealt with for you and any relationship you will have again.

 

2. This is the only way you can get her back. She cannot miss you if you are always there talking to her. And it is terrible if she thinks you'll always be there, that is one unnattractive to a girl and two sets you up to be a safety net. NC will allow her to realize exactly what life is like without you. She will know you can live wihtout her. It will allow her to decide to come back, and that is the only way you should ever reconcile. She's the one who threw it away so she is the one who needs to come back and get it back.

 

You need to go into NC for the first reason, to move on, and know that the second one is a possibility from it, but don't cling to that hope. Stay strong because on the way she will throw crumbs. A crumb is anything but a message saying she wants to get back together. No matter what it says, do not reply unless it says she wants to get back together. You're young so you'll be more likely to mess this up. DON'T. You cannot reply to any of these until she says what you want to say. You doing this gives you back the power in the relationship which is exactly what you have nothing of right now.

 

Follow my advice, for you. It is the best advice I can give you for your situation and I have enough experience with it to know it is the ebst thing to do post breakup. Any other action is just going to push her further and further away.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

You need to go into NC, and I am going to give you two very good reasons for it, and the define what I mean by NC.

 

1. You need to heal, you need to attempt to move on. Going into NC is hard but it helps you heal alot faster than talking to her, and eventually you will become objective towards the relationship and then can really analyze your problems. I mean other than the cause of the break up, you did have other ones and they need to be dealt with for you and any relationship you will have again.

 

2. This is the only way you can get her back. She cannot miss you if you are always there talking to her. And it is terrible if she thinks you'll always be there, that is one unnattractive to a girl and two sets you up to be a safety net. NC will allow her to realize exactly what life is like without you. She will know you can live wihtout her. It will allow her to decide to come back, and that is the only way you should ever reconcile. She's the one who threw it away so she is the one who needs to come back and get it back.

 

You need to go into NC for the first reason, to move on, and know that the second one is a possibility from it, but don't cling to that hope. Stay strong because on the way she will throw crumbs. A crumb is anything but a message saying she wants to get back together. No matter what it says, do not reply unless it says she wants to get back together. You're young so you'll be more likely to mess this up. DON'T. You cannot reply to any of these until she says what you want to say. You doing this gives you back the power in the relationship which is exactly what you have nothing of right now.

 

Follow my advice, for you. It is the best advice I can give you for your situation and I have enough experience with it to know it is the ebst thing to do post breakup. Any other action is just going to push her further and further away.

 

-Gator

 

Thank you so much for the reply. I am fine with nc, but have a problem. We go to a small private school and see each other throughout the day. We do the same extra curricular after school and worst of all we sit across from each other at the same assigned lunch table. What should I do when passing her in the hall or sitting at lunch with her? My school counselor told me to just act pleasant to her because otherwise she would be too scared to come back even if she wanted to.

 

Edit: also, since she will be seeing me even if I don't talk to her how should I act? Should I pretend to be happy?

 

Edit 2 (sorry): and what if she approaches me at school to talk about something other than wanting me back?

Edited February 12, 2011 by Chrisg7

[gator12]

Passing in the halls is easy, a smile is okay or a good morning. But no conversation. Sitting at the table is pretty complex, avoid talking to her if at all possible and act anything but depressed. I mean you don't have to act so happy she thinks you're better off without her, but don't act sad in any way either. If you ever HAVE to talk to her, indifference is really the key. She shouldn't know anything about what's going on with you other than you're not clinging to her and you can live without her. Girls love guys who are independent and happy so just give off that vibe in moderation.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

Passing in the halls is easy, a smile is okay or a good morning. But no conversation. Sitting at the table is pretty complex, avoid talking to her if at all possible and act anything but depressed. I mean you don't have to act so happy she thinks you're better off without her, but don't act sad in any way either. If you ever HAVE to talk to her, indifference is really the key. She shouldn't know anything about what's going on with you other than you're not clinging to her and you can live without her. Girls love guys who are independent and happy so just give off that vibe in moderation.

 

-Gator

 

Thank you for the quick reply-so I'm still trying to grasp the concept of nc. You say never respond to any messages or anything but is it possible that that could demotivate her from trying to get me back if she thinks I hate her or something? I just read a couple guides on nc (the ones in your sig) and they say you can respond but not often...like if she says "Chris I really need to talk to you" should I ignore that?

[gator12]

Thats why NC is tricky. Some people would say yes some would say no. If you choose yes I would one, wait at least two days before responding to a text like that. And when you do, you have to act indifferent when in conversation. I would suggest, any time she sends you a crumb, to post on here and let us give you advice. Any reply should never be earlier than 2 days later, including the get back together response. Jumping on anything she sends you shows you're still waiting around for her.

 

It all depends on the situation, but I'd advise, you make a thread on her contacting you if she does, and let us give you opinions before you answer. She will most likely start out with a simple "Hey" which will progress to why arent you talking to me, and why are you ignoring me. Then to phone calls etc. And I honestly say you should respond to any of it until it gets to the point where she is saying she wants you back.

 

She may want you to be there for her, but she kind of threw that away when she broke up with you. We'll advise you but in 99.9% of cases just delete the text and stay in NC.

 

-Gator

[Eddie Edirol]

Thank you for the quick reply-so I'm still trying to grasp the concept of nc. You say never respond to any messages or anything but is it possible that that could demotivate her from trying to get me back if she thinks I hate her or something? I just read a couple guides on nc (the ones in your sig) and they say you can respond but not often...like if she says "Chris I really need to talk to you" should I ignore that?

 

Thats why NC works. People dont like to be rejected by people that they are rejecting. So if you act like youre fine and looking for someone else in school, she will wonder why youre having a great time without her after you were crying in her face.

 

Heres the real deal though, youre both young, and she wants to try out different guys, plus you have to assess what you might have done for her to lose attraction to you after a year. You probably smothered her. There are plenty of pretty girls in your school im sure, youre just used to this one. Start talking to them, you will find a better one. You dont have to talk to them with the intentions of dating them, just to experience different personalities. You wont be as hurt when she starts calling you wondering why youre having so much fun. It gives you power, and eliminates the hurt. Also be prepared to see her trying to "out-power" you by hanging all over random guys. Youre in high school, those girls do that sort of thing.

 

Remember you most likely wont get her back, girls generally dont move backwards once they lose their attraction to you, but you can find someone better for you if they happen to come along.

 

You just need to look like youre not depressed and like youre having fun, this is very important. Dont talk to her, and avoid her more than she avoids you, she will get curious.

 

And if she does contact you, you do what Gator says, dont answer until she gets desperate. If you ignore her, it will KILL her, and you need to get her emotions up for any chance of getting her back. Remember, rejectors dont like the feeling of being counter-rejected.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Chrisg7]

Gator, you were so right. She just texted me saying "hey". I guess this is an obvious ignore right? Should I start a new thread and if so in what section?

[Chrisg7]

Ok, im not sure if I broke nc already but my close friend who is a girl gave me some advice. She said she liked the nc idea but I should send her a message saying "hey sorry can't talk now I'll text you later" so that she knows I'm not mad at her, and then just don't respond to any more messages from her. I did that, and I hope it wasn't a bad decision

[gator12]

That's fine, one message is okay just keep that it. She will keep on texting you. I PROMISE YOU THAT. You will be killing her ego by ignoring her, but don't falter in your NC until she says what you want to hear, and no you don't have to start a new thread. Just keep posting on this one for now.

 

stay strong and good luck

-Gator

[Eddie Edirol]

That's fine, one message is okay just keep that it. She will keep on texting you. I PROMISE YOU THAT. You will be killing her ego by ignoring her, but don't falter in your NC until she says what you want to hear, and no you don't have to start a new thread. Just keep posting on this one for now.

 

stay strong and good luck

-Gator

 

 

Gator, hes so young, wanna wager on how long he can resist replying?

[Chrisg7]

I will wait as long as I have to because you guys seem to know what your talking about.

[gator12]

Gator, hes so young, wanna wager on how long he can resist replying?

 

Lol that's like wagering on how long before your friend and the girl who you know is a fling will break up.I'd feel terrible about it.

 

I did a solid 2 months so I'd put him at 2 weeks. Lol jkjk

 

And he's not too much younger than I am, I was just quick on the uptake. I learned after my first major breakup and have been a strict follower of NC since then.

 

But no stay strong, it'll all work out in the end.

 

-Gator

Edited February 12, 2011 by gator12

[Chrisg7]

Update: I just received this message from her:

 

"If you just don't want to/aren't ready to talk to me that's totally fine, I am just worried about you is all"

 

Thoughts?

 

I think I may have looked sad in school around her or one of our mutual friends told her how sad I was...

[Eddie Edirol]

Keep ignoring her, she will use a few types of tactics to see if you will answer her, and make sure you look happy in school. Laugh with friends, make new friends, look happy. Fake it till you make it, but dont answer her texts until she gets serious.

[Chrisg7]

She just texted me again:

 

"Ok well ill waitt until your ready :-) "

 

Just another tactic? Any impressions about her emotional state?

Edited February 13, 2011 by Chrisg7

[gator12]

Just ignore it, all of this is crumbs. She may be genuinely concerned, but that concern is only as a friend at this point. Stay strong and stay in NC. Oooo and don't look sad, lol NC doesn't mean anything if she still thinks you're miserable without her.

 

-Gator

[packers393]

Remember you most likely wont get her back, girls generally dont move backwards once they lose their attraction to you, but you can find someone better for you if they happen to come along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't really agree with this quote, from my experience, they do haha.

[Chrisg7]

I just don't understand how our relationship got to this point and I don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling. I think about all the great memories we have all day and dream about her every night. I remember every single date we ever went on like it was yesterday.

 

When do I start responding? I don't want her to get the wrong message...I want this girl back

Edited February 13, 2011 by Chrisg7

[gator12]

I just don't understand how our relationship got to this point and I don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling. I think about all the great memories we have all day and dream about her every night. I remember every single date we ever went on like it was yesterday.

 

When do I start responding? I don't want her to get the wrong message...I want this girl back

 

Alright Chris two problems with those statements. The first one is much more severe. You don't understand. THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM. Should she come back and you ahven't dealt with the problems the second chance will NOT work. It'll last a few months and then you'll break up for the same reasons again. You need to use this NC to objectively look at your relationships, no emotions and realize what you did wrong, what she did wrong and what things you can fix. And then should she come back keep the communication very strong and don't let the same issues ruin the second chance.

 

And in my experience you don't respond unless she says she miss you and wants you back. She will send hey's and how are you's and, might even get pissed off that you are ignoring her. DONT RESPOND. If she really wants you back she will either leave it in a voicemail or show up at your door, I promise you that. Until then you cannot bite, anything she says. I promise you if you do, you will have a great convo for a day and then you won't get another text for a month. She's just checking to see if you're still there waiting to be a safety net for her. Let her know you're independant, that you don't need her. Because you don't. Stay strong man we're all here to help.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

Thanks for the reply man. The more I think about it the more I believe her about losing romantic interest in me. However, i have no idea where I could have gone wrong. I wil mention a couple possibilities though. For one, if it means anything I am a senior and she is a sophomore, perhaps she is worried about me going off to college next year? She did ask me a few weeks before the break up "what would you do if you were at college and you met someone better than me?" however, she had been acting differently before that. She seemed less interested in seeing me and especially doing physical things with me.

 

I also worry that my sensitivity may have gotten to her, I am a VERY sensitive guy and I think that I acted very needy toward her. However throughout the entirety of our relationship I treated her like a princess. I'm really not sure what caused this still and believe me I have given it a lot of thought and analysis.

[gator12]

Well needieness isn't attractive to women for one thing. Like it's great that you care and they should see that but not to the point that you'd use the word needy to describe yourself. And the college thing could have something to do with it, but I doubt it. My current ex and I, she was still in high school when I went off to college and it worked out. If that was the reason then there's really nothing you can do about it.

 

The one thing that scares me is her age, she is a sophomore, she is young. The problem with that is young girls rarely if ever know what they want, and she could have decided that she still has more to see out there before settling on you essentially. If that is the case you're going to have to cut your losses, younger girls are generally pretty immature in relationships. Idk, it could be a hundered different things, she could have just stopped being interested precisely becaus she is young. If it is any of those reasons you can't really hope she'll come back. A girl who doesn't know what she wants should not be in a relationship in the first place.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

Well I know for a fact that throughout the majority of our relationship, se loved me with all her heart. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me, and k could hear it in her voice when she spoke to me. I don't know if someone young and confused about what they want would still be able to experience these feelings

 

Also, toward the end of our relationship, her parents were letting us see each other less and less, and her mom would always tell her how your not supposed to just date one person in high school. Idk what effect this would have if any

[gator12]

Parents always play a big role just because they are always around while you're in high school. My ex's mother was the biggest control freak on the planet and that of course brought on some stresses to the relationship. And she could have said them and could have meant them too but didn't know what they really meant when she said them. It's really hard to tell at that age. You have to be prepared for the fact that she may never come back while you are in NC.

 

That should actually be your attitude in this situation because that way you are prepared for the worst. If she does come back it will be obvious and surprising as well, but clinging to the hope she will can only delay your own healing. Yes NC is the best means to get an ex back, but you don't go into it for that reason.

 

-Gator