Author Chrisg7 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Haha she just texted me again- after the school play I told her good job as I passed her in the hallway and she thought I was sarcastically commenting on a conversation she was having with one of her friends about how she failed when having to use power tools, I was like "no I meant you did a good job today" and she kind of laughed and started talking so I just kind of smiled and walked away. Anyway just now she texts me "Hey I am really sorry I had just finished saying how I shouldn't be allowed to use power tools bc I almost broke one then u were like good job n I thought u were being sarcastic n replied with oh yeah ikr! N then realized what u really meant when u repeated urself. I really wasn't trying to be a bitch I swear." "But seriously I realized what happened about 2 seconds after I replied I m really sorry" On a side note these messages caused me to accidentally memorize her new number she got right before we broke up which I had deleted from my contacts ugh Edited February 28, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
Xxs Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Accidentally? Are you a genius or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny85 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Hey Gator, I just read your advice about not setting an ultimatum and instead staying calm and patient. Yesterday I wrote this to my ex girlfriend and boy do I have feelings of regret now (this was sent after she texted me saying she loved me and wanted to talk sometime): "I am gonna level with you here. I miss talking to you every day, seeing you smile. We were friends for so many years. You seem distant now and I take responsibility for being mean (during our relationship) and not being there for you when I should have. I am really sorry. I just feel that now the ball is in your court to communicate to me when you feel you are ready to talk. I would rather us be honest and open now than later. So men you feel ready to communicate and talk over the phone, just let me know. This is not a plea to get back together but simply a way of saying that if any type of relationship can exist between us, we need to talk about our feelings and the past and say what we want to say and resolve our differences. I don't want to play games. If you can't communicate with me as an adult and bury the hatchet, there is no point is us texting anymore." What is your interpretation of this message? I had NC with her for about 2 weeks. She barely replied to this message and seemed to have changed her mind about us over night. lol Edited February 28, 2011 by Johnny85 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) You could always start your own thread man From my little experience though it seems like that letter may drive her further away, but I don't think it's anything a period of nc can't undo Anyway back on topic...Do you all think that if it is truly meant to be she will come back? Or have I already screwed up any chances Also...I realize that in the title I say I need her in my life but that was posted right after she broke up with me when I was much less emotionally stable...i realize I don't need her in my life to be happy but that doesn't change how much I miss her or how much she hurt me edit: she just now texted me again, didnt want to double post "so i guess we aren't talking again...?" also, i think i've finally figured out her deal. She suppresses everything negative in her life and lives in a false reality in which she pretends everything is perfect. She pretends like negative events never happened, and i think this is because she never learned how to deal with the traumatic events of her childhood. She really needs to see a psychologist about this, and i wish i could push her to do so, but i guess contacting her about this would be a bad idea. I really feel like i should send her a message saying something like she will never be able to be truly happy or emotionally stable until she deals with the traumatic events of her life, and she really needs to see a professional and be completely open about everything in order to work to the bottom of these problems and actually fix them. Edited March 1, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
alethean Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) You could always start your own thread man From my little experience though it seems like that letter may drive her further away, but I don't think it's anything a period of nc can't undo Anyway back on topic...Do you all think that if it is truly meant to be she will come back? Or have I already screwed up any chances Also...I realize that in the title I say I need her in my life but that was posted right after she broke up with me when I was much less emotionally stable...i realize I don't need her in my life to be happy but that doesn't change how much I miss her or how much she hurt me edit: she just now texted me again, didnt want to double post "so i guess we aren't talking again...?" also, i think i've finally figured out her deal. She suppresses everything negative in her life and lives in a false reality in which she pretends everything is perfect. She pretends like negative events never happened, and i think this is because she never learned how to deal with the traumatic events of her childhood. She really needs to see a psychologist about this, and i wish i could push her to do so, but i guess contacting her about this would be a bad idea. I really feel like i should send her a message saying something like she will never be able to be truly happy or emotionally stable until she deals with the traumatic events of her life, and she really needs to see a professional and be completely open about everything in order to work to the bottom of these problems and actually fix them. This is her own issue to resolve, so no. I don't think you should tell her. I had various traumas during my childhood and early adolescence that I liked to pretend didn't happen. It worked for a while, until my sophomore year of college. My world just fell apart. I nearly flunked out of school. I needed therapy...I realized this and I got it. Now I am feeling more at peace with myself than I have in my entire life. If you had told me back in high school that I needed therapy, I would have laughed in your face. She's obviously not fit to be in a relationship at this point. If she were honest with herself she would acknowledge this. eta: If it's meant to be she will come back. But as has been said before, please, please, please don't be dependent on this fact. There is a huge chance that she might not come back. During the NC you will grow and change and find out that you've outgrown her. Or you may meet someone else. Or something else may happen. Life has a way of bringing in unexpected things, sometimes better than what you want. In my opinion, NC is actually more for your own sanity and development that getting back into an old relationship. Edited March 1, 2011 by alethean Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) ok well i am not concerned about how she will react really, and i dont see how this could possibly make me feel any worse, as i do not intend to respond to send her any message in return. I have prepared this (rather lengthy) message which i plan to send to her tomorow night, to give some time for input from you all. I know she's not coming back, but i really still want to help her somehow because i love her. Here is the message. "-I am sending this message over facebook because i would not want your mom to read it if she had your phone I have done a lot of thinking, and I believe that I have come to a conclusion about your mentality; I would like to give you some advice based on this for your personal benefit. Before I begin, please know that i am not insulting you or calling you insane or anything. I believe that you have developed a habit of suppressing the negative things in your life. I think you ignore these events and even go as far as to pretend like they never happened. I think that it started out long ago with big events that you suppressed on purpose because you did not know how to deal with them, and then as time went on you began to do it with more and more of your problems until you were ignoring nearly every negative event in your life subconsciously, because it is what you had become accustomed to. To get into specifics, i believe that this problem stems from the many traumatic experiences of your childhood: [insert traumatic events here]. No one should ever have to experience these things, and when someone does in their childhood, it can really cause emotional problems for the rest of their life when not properly dealt with, due to the fragile and developing nature of the mind of a child/adolescent. You may say that you have dealt with these things already, but until you are able to talk about them openly and accept them fully, you have not dealt with them. I think that this problem carried over to your recent life, where many of your troubles stem from your mothers current verbal abuse and emotional instability. You told me that you did not like to talk about this because you wanted to just enjoy the present and be happy. However if you do this, you unfortunately will not be truly happy. I think that when you hurt me, you simply did not have the emotional capacity to deal with it, so you did the only thing you could do-what you were used to doing- you broke up with me in order to escape the problem which I kept bringing up (in an insensitive way) and you did not want to face. (don't think im saying this is the only reason you broke up with me, but I think it was the underlying cause) It seems like now you do not want to emotionally deal with our break up, and that you are pretending that it never happened. I dont think that you realize you do all of these things, but this is the conclusion that I have come to after lots of thought. Now please realize that I am not trying to center this conversation around our break up, I am centering it around helping you and that was merely an example. I do not think that you will ever be truly happy until you learn to face and deal with all of this [insert her name here]. I think that you are living in a false reality, which cannot give you the emotional gratification that living in a true reality can. I think this is the reason why you say you are unable to feel true emotions, not because your mom “sucked them out of you”. This strategy may seem like it is working now, but if things are left the way they are, all of these traumatic events are bound to come back later in your life, and at this point you will have to face everything that you failed to deal with before. Even though pretending like these things never happened may make you feel better in the short run, you cannot erase them from your mind; they are still there and they will not go away or stop having negative effects on your life until you deal with them. I know that it is a common principal of psychology that a great deal of mental problems that people have stem from events in their childhood. Unfortunately your childhood was filled with many traumatic events that you must face unless you want to experience further emotional turmoil. Your solution to these problems might make things seem temporarily better now, but as I said before it is a completely false reality. The other day you told me that you would not be ready to share your emotion with anyone until you dealt with these problems in your life. I dont think you realized that the problems stemmed this far, but I believe that they do. Although everything I have told you in this message is merely my assessment, regardless of whether it is completely correct, I really urge you to see a professional about the events I mentioned. Even though I would suggest someone more qualified, [insert the name of our school counselor here] should be able to help somewhat, even though im sure your dad wouldnt object to helping you find someone else to talk to. You really need to talk to a psychologist about everything I mentioned. You need to be completely open with them about ALL of the events of your childhood, the way your mom treats you now, and if you want (much less importantly) the whole situation with our break up. You need to talk to someone about how these events make you feel, and you need to be totally honest with your feelings. A therapist CAN help you with this and they can work with you so that you can feel true emotion again. I do not think for a second that you will believe or take anything that I have said seriously, but the amount of thought and effort I have put into writing this should tell you how serious I am. I expect that you will reject my claims, but please at least humor me and talk to a therapist about the things I suggested, it really can't hurt anything, even If I am totally wrong. Please do not think that I am saying all of this to you for my personal gain, I am telling you this because I truly care and want you to overcome these obstacles in your life. I want you to be happy." Edited March 2, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 also, i just got a text from her "just answer me this why are you so happy and cordial when you see me in school but wont even return my messages" -when we pass in the halls i smile and say hey Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Ok guys Well I'm sending the message in a couple hours unless anyone has any good reasons why I shouldnt Link to post Share on other sites
GaelicSoul Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I really wouldnt send this if i was you. My ex had alot of issues, which were never dealt with. Very serious ones. I did my best, tried talking to her and helping her. It was like going out with somebody, but your always walking on eggshells around them. That is not a healthy relationship, and until my ex realises this, and why she keeps sabotaging good things that come into her life then its always going to reoccour. You send this to her, what are you trying to prove? I would love to tell me ex everything she needs to do to fix herself, but who am i to say!? shes my ex. I owe her nothing now. She left me, she hurt me and left me no reason to why. You deserve to be happy, and to be with somebody who will love you for you are, and who will stand by you through the good and the bad. Why do you want to be going out with somebody who wont return your love. Your not her therapist, your her ex. Leave her alone, dont contact her, and only if she reaches out in the future, then you can decide if shes worth it. You are young, i know you love her. But you cant change the way somebody feels about you. Pull yourself together, grab your balls and be a man. Life is good and your missing out on so much by worrying about what she thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Especially since your in high school...she's gonna show all her friends on how you think she has issues she needs to fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) I am in no way trying to help myself or change the way she feels about me or "prove" anything. I just want to help her because I care about her. I still am not deterred from sending this because I don't see any harm it can do. And no sda...I know she wouldn't do that and even If she did who cares? Shes my Ex why should I care what her friends think of me Also, I know that If she ever wants to have a successful relationship with me or anyone for that matter, she will have to fix these issues. Edited March 2, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Still deciding whether I should send the message or not, but in the mean time she texted me "Ok text me back we need to talk" Link to post Share on other sites
Truane71 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 She's not going to see the letter as you trying to help. As much as you think she will, she won't. If you're going to break NC you might as well just see what she wants because that letter isn't going to accomplish anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 So should I reply to that message? What could we possibly "need" to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
GaelicSoul Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I wouldnt text personally, but you could say "is there something in particular you want to talk about?" and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
SuzanDishongj Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Interesting topic. Want to see more on what you guys think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
ljpaterson Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hey Chris.. I know you don't know me but my name is Lauren and I'm 19 years old. I've been reading your whole thread this morning because I can't sleep... I am going through the exact same thing you are going through, only my boyfriend of 9 months dumped me about a month and a half ago. It has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. I am also in the "friendship" stage with him, and I've tried going NC once. It lasted about 6 days and I broke it... but at the beginning we went two whole weeks without speaking. I love him more than anything and I thought he did too. I would also say that I am "clingy" and "needy" which... I think.. brought myself into this whole mess. It was my jealousy that ultimately made him break up with me. I have tried everything with him at this point... I have tried not talking with him, being friends with him, begging for him back, and even being "best friends" with him and talking to him every day... but every thing that I do seems to hurt SO BAD. I still cry about him all of the time... but sometimes there are good times too where I can go a few days without crying. Anyways, if you ever wanted to talk with somebody about anything... I could talk with you even though we've never really met before. It's nice to know there is someone out there who is going through the exact pain and confusion that I am going through. If not, that's okay too. But whatever happens, I am sorry that you are going through all of the pain and heartache that you are going through. It sucks more than ANYTHING, and I cannot stop thinking about my ex boyfriend either. I would have sworn that he was the one. I keep going back and forth between loving him and DESPISING him for everything that he has done to me. It's a rollercoaster ride... and a painful one at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) I just still can't decide whether or not I should respond to that message or send the letter or not...could someone give me a justified opinion? On the topic of responding I was thinking of sending "what do we need to talk about?" and then depending on what she said I would either talk with her or ignore her And thank you very much Lauren I am sorry that you have to go through a similar situation because it really is awful. Thank you for your compassion and understanding and of course i would like to talk. Edited March 3, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
Bateman Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Seriously don't send the letter. Listen to GaelicSoul and respond to the text with what he suggested. You're not her therapist. If she wants you back and somehow you end up back together THEN you can possibly help her with her problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) I'm just not sure she will be able to get back together or even be ready for a relationship until she fixes those problems...and I'm pretty sure she would at least consider my advice because I know her very well Would keeping nc and not responding hurt anything? I don't want to get manipulated again like the last time I tried to talk to her... Edited March 3, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
ljpaterson Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Hmm.. well for sure I wouldn't send that message to her about the things that she needs to fix in her life. I dated a guy for 4 years who was so messed up.. I had the stupid idea of thinking that I could fix his problems, but I never was able to. He is slowly fixing them himself by just growing up and learning. I personally think that if you don't act interested in her, she is going to come running back to you. You seem like the sweetest guy ever, and she seems to really REALLY want to talk to you. Overall, she just seems really confused. But she's young.. I know that my mind goes back and forth all of the time about stuff. She will come around. But that's just my opinion. I'm only 19 years old so I don't know some of the stuff these older people do. All that I know is you probably shouldn't send her that message about what needs to be done in her life... It just seems kind of off topic, ya know? Listen Chris... just be lucky right now that she TALKS to you as much as she does! My ex has gone two weeks without talking to me.. and it's at that point that you really start to get upset. This seems like your best chance to get her back... just remain cool, calm, and collected. Pretend that you're happy and it will drive her CRAZY. It already is. Can't you tell? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) Ok well thank you very much for the thoughtful response I guess I will hold off on the letter. Does anyone have a suggestion as to whether I should reply to her message or continue nc? I was thinking I would wait for a couple days and see if she attempts to make more contact but idk... Edit: I'm actually leaning toward talking to her and if I do what kind of an attitude should I take? Edited March 3, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
ljpaterson Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 My opinion is go ahead and message again. If it seems to be just crumbs again, talk casually until you figure out her motives and then stop talking again. But for God sakes don't throw yourself at her again or display ANY amount of emotion when you do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chrisg7 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 (edited) Wow she just messaged me...Idk what to do "Ok chris I know you are not going to reply, but this little "power struggle" you are trying to make is over. We r not doing this two faced relationship where we r nice to each other in front of other people and you ignore me otherwise. I know for a fact that ignoring me is exactly what youre doing. I haven't manipulated you in any way and if you do not respond to this our communication is over. I want to be friends but if you want to ignore me this is the way it has to be. N btw ***** n I r just friends so don't be pissed at him I hear u n ****** have gotten" tight" anyway... so hopefully ill talk to you later; if not, then so be it." Please guys I need urgent help I was thinking about saying something like "I was actually planning on texting you tonight until I got that hostile message..." Or "your the one who broke up with me...you cut me out of your life not vice versa" Edited March 3, 2011 by Chrisg7 Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I would say, "You broke up with me, I'm trying to get over you." Link to post Share on other sites
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