She stopped loving me but I need her in my life

[dextm]

lol 11 pages.......I wish I got that sorta attention

[Chrisg7]

I continued that conversation with her over text against my better judgement, but I know she is being genuine throughout this conversation. Long post ahead...

 

The first message is her

 

 

Ok. I miss you. And please know I m sincerely sorry n will always have a special place in my heart for you. If you change your mind about me please tell me Chris

 

Change my mind about you? And I miss you too

 

About communicating n being around me n stuff...Please just tell me you don't hate me

 

Of course I don't hate you ***** I dont have any negative feelings toward you. I just can't be friends with you that's all

 

Ok. I love you :-\ please please let me know if you change your mind

 

Maybe a friendship will be possible in a few years but not in the foreseeable future, it just won't work for me because I love you too I think we were great together *****, maybe one day you'll realize what you threw away

 

The problem is I already do

 

...? From what I've seen you don't really regret your decision...you didn't throw away a friendship that never existed you threw away a relationship

 

I know that. And Chris you really don't know if I do or not :-\*

 

Well you keep saying stuff like "I did what I had to" and "it just wasn't working" which doesnt really sound regretful to me

 

It wasn't working but I told u the reasons I broke up with u... n I m regretful.

 

Well I feel like if you were regretful youd be saying something like "i made a mistake I still want to be with you" rather than "I want to be friends"Regret means thinking you made the wrong decision

 

... I do want to be with you ... I just can't...

 

Then I guess cutting me out of your life was the right decision right?

 

*I don't know anymore I couldn't bear hurting you through my lack of ... idk how to describe what I was lacking but I/we couldn't do it

 

***** if you wanted to be with me you would have told me about your problem and tried to let me help you with it before breaking up with me

 

That's not the only reason ... n I should have but I didnt

 

Exactly, you broke up with me for other reasons. If you regretted your decision and if you loved me you would have tried to get me back...If you want my advice I think you should talk to dr **** (school counselor) or someone to try to work out your feelings because you seem confused about them right now. I'm*Going to sleep now is there anything you want to say before I go?

 

I didn't think you'd want me too... bc I hurt you n bc I m not good for you. N idk... but there are other reasons I tried to explain to you before...I am sorry, I love n miss you, n want you in my life as much as you'll have me... if not, ok. N I can't decide chris all I know is I miss you.

 

if you truly wanted a second chance you would have asked for one...Goodbye *****, if you look inside your heart you will be able to decide what you want, I hope that you are able to find happiness

 

I hope the same for you Chris. If its easier for you feel free to just forget all this...

 

I won't forget it but I've taken everything very lightly, I think you need to do some soul searching before you can talk about what you want and how you feel

 

Ok, goodnight chris. Sleep well.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Chrisg7

[gator12]

The conversation isn't making any progress in getting her back. How can you not see this? You keep talking to her and she will hint at missing you but she is never telling you she wants you back. And she won't, she does miss you I am sure that is sincere, but she misses you as a friend. She "can't" date you because she doesn't love you anymore and you need to face that reality. Yes I have stopped replying as frequently but you haven't followed my advice and for that you are getting strung along.

 

She may not even be doing it intentionally, but you are clinging to the slimmest glimmer of hope even though it is false. You need to go into NC if you ever expect to heal, you and her are over. You need to accept that and do what is best for you right now. Idk how many times I have to say it before it will sink in. I can tell you to look through the forums and you will find that anyone who talks to their ex without NC ends up in your situation. And what do they get for it? A long painful healing process. You aren't going to make anything easier on yourself until you get her out of you life. If she really wants to be friends, she will have no problem waiting for it. RIGHT NOW YOU NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

I'm sorry gator, I don't think nc was the best option for me in that situation, as it has been said here before, nc is a good strategy for many, but it does not work for all people, I am very glad it worked for you, but you and I are in very different situations with very different girls.

 

When I first started talking to her on the phone last night, she was angry with me because of nc and I was able to subside her anger and give her a much better impression of me. I kept my cool the whole time and did my best to enforce the idea that we cannot be friends, and I am moving on with my life and not waiting for her to come back. She isn't playing a game with me, she just doesn't understand her own feelings.

 

I believe that I got her to stop sending crumbs, and only contact me if she wants me back. I will now move on with my life. If she comes back, that's great, but if she doesn't I will be fine because that's what I am planning on.

[coffeeaddict]

I think she was just testing the waters. Your not communicating projected an image of strength and emotional independence from her. It made her think, "Is he still interested in me? What's going on?!" Hence all the text messages, because the more messages you send back the more it says you're still pining for her.

 

That's why she accused you of "creating a power struggle," it was actually her that was creating the power struggle with you. She cut you out of her life on her terms, your lack of reply to her was like you cutting her out of your life on your terms. Then when you finally gave in and agreed to meet to talk about your emotions, she blew you off and was "too busy with friends," that was to put you on the defensive again. Then she called and was angry with you, thus putting you in the position of having to alleviate her anger (She's the one who dumped you, lol). It really isn't that unique of a story.

[Chrisg7]

Do you guys think I've taken control of the situation now?

[Shqipo]

Don't take this the wrong way, I've only posted once here and it was for my own problem but somehow the saying "those who can't do, teach" would apply to me haha ANYWAY

 

No you have not taken control of the situation. Follow through with what you plan to do..and then you will truly be in control. You have been used and abused and then scooped up and put in her back pocket and to remain there for a very long time. I wish you would have listened to Gator from the beginning. You don't want to accept it so you keep searching for other advice hoping it will do the equivalent of what NC will. It won't.

 

ANY contact she makes is to ease her own guilt. NOTHING is in it for you. NOTHING.

Edited March 7, 2011 by Shqipo

[gator12]

I'm sorry gator, I don't think nc was the best option for me in that situation, as it has been said here before, nc is a good strategy for many, but it does not work for all people, I am very glad it worked for you, but you and I are in very different situations with very different girls.

 

When I first started talking to her on the phone last night, she was angry with me because of nc and I was able to subside her anger and give her a much better impression of me. I kept my cool the whole time and did my best to enforce the idea that we cannot be friends, and I am moving on with my life and not waiting for her to come back. She isn't playing a game with me, she just doesn't understand her own feelings.

 

I believe that I got her to stop sending crumbs, and only contact me if she wants me back. I will now move on with my life. If she comes back, that's great, but if she doesn't I will be fine because that's what I am planning on.

 

NC is going to make her upset. Who cares what the hell she thinks? She threw you away man! Get this through your head, the only thing you've done as the previous poster said is get rid of any guilt she may feel for leaving you. NC does not work in all situations and that is very true but she is not giving any inkling of her wanting to come back.

 

Until she says that, guess what, she isn't coming back and that is a fact. She may be unsure of her feelings but that does not mean the crumbs will stop, to put it simply relationships aren't logical. I don't care how many talks you have with her you still have no idea what is going on in her head, you may have a better idea but that is far from the truth.

 

I am glad that you seem to be heading back into the NC direction with this, but don't bite next time she talks to you. Don't assume it's not a crumb, because if she wants you back she will SAY IT. I have seen that in 99% of cases. Yes you and your ex MAY be different, the situation definitley is. But how breakups work is almost identical in 99% of cases. Take a look around the forums for a while and you will find this to be true. Get over this idea that your ex is any different even if she is. If you sit there and hope she is different you leave room to be dssapointed however if you view her as just like everybody else you leave room to be surprised and get rid of a chance of being hurt. Mindset is everything in a breakup, this is why you need to get in the right one or you will only delay your own healing process.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

She just texted me

 

"I've done some soul searching, but I am not sure if I have reached a conclusion yet. Can I ask you a question?"

 

"Yoou don't have to answer if u don't want to I m jw"

[WorldIsYours]

She just texted me

 

"I've done some soul searching, but I am not sure if I have reached a conclusion yet. Can I ask you a question?"

 

"Yoou don't have to answer if u don't want to I m jw"

 

Stop talking to this woman. She's immature.

[Chrisg7]

As much as I want to, I'm not planning on responding. I'm guessing the question is something like "would you take me back?"

[SDA]

Just answer

[Chrisg7]

Ok lol conflicting advice....not chill

 

Should I respond or ignore?

 

My friend thinks I should respond by saying i don't want to hear any more bs

Edited March 7, 2011 by Chrisg7

[ljpaterson]

Chris, would you be interested in talking to me through instant message or phone? I don't think I can message you on this website. =/

[Chrisg7]

Sure, email is [email protected] email me and I'll give you my aim

 

Still haven't decided whether I should respond to that message yet...

Edited March 8, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Hules]

Chris mate I've read through this thread and I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I think you really need some tough love.

 

Honestly ask yourself what are you achieving by staying in contact with this girl? I will tell you what you are achieving.

 

1. You are her bitch and her doormat (every time you contact her you are saying hey I'm still here waiting for you to walk all over me and if you enable her and you are enabling her, she will continue to treat you like ****.)

 

2. The relationship is dead she doesn't love you anymore ACCEPT IT she might still care about you but she doesn't love you. She is to immature and selfish to let you go and wants to keep you around as her emotional play thing. Honestly do you have no self respect?

 

3. You are now her emotional tampon aka TheGirlieManFriend hope you enjoy rides around in her purse, shes only going to take you out when she needs a shoulder to cry on and a ego boost.

 

Few things you need to remember, she dumped you, you don't owe her jack ****. So she feels bad, NOT YOUR PROBLEM you need to look out for yourself. I know its hard to see what she is doing to you with those rose tinted glasses on but you need to think of her as cancer, cancer that is spreading through you. You need to cut her out of your life if you want to heal and move on.

 

Please do not say people have not been giving you advice, you have gotten more advice than most. You say you are listening but you are not. You are only hearing what you want to hear.

 

So up to you be her bitch or be a man? Good luck.

Edited March 8, 2011 by Hules

[gator12]

Chris mate I've read through this thread and I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I think you really need some tough love.

 

Honestly ask yourself what are you achieving by staying in contact with this girl? I will tell you what you are achieving.

 

1. You are her bitch and her doormat (every time you contact her you are saying hey I'm still here waiting for you to walk all over me and if you enable her and you are enabling her, she will continue to treat you like ****.)

 

2. The relationship is dead she doesn't love you anymore ACCEPT IT she might still care about you but she doesn't love you. She is to immature and selfish to let you go and wants to keep you around as her emotional play thing. Honestly do you have no self respect?

 

3. You are now her emotional tampon aka TheGirlieManFriend hope you enjoy rides around in her purse, shes only going to take you out when she needs a shoulder to cry on and a ego boost.

 

Few things you need to remember, she dumped you, you don't owe her jack ****. So she feels bad, NOT YOUR PROBLEM you need to look out for yourself. I know its hard to see what she is doing to you with those rose tinted glasses on but you need to think of her as cancer, cancer that is spreading through you. You need to cut her out of your life if you want to heal and move on.

 

Please do not say people have not been giving you advice, you have gotten more advice than most. You say you are listening but you are not. You are only hearing what you want to hear.

 

So up to you be her bitch or be a man? Good luck.

 

While without some of the enthusiasm I definitely agree with Hules here. I think maybe you can respond to this one if you want too, but don't take any of her bs. Even if she does want you back the fact is she needs to work for it or what is going to stop her from doing that again.

 

I mean she said she did some soul searching but she still doesn't know which implies immaturity in the relationship. If this one question is so important that it could affect her answer sure reply to her. Give it another day before you do though. Let her know that you aren't dependent on it. And if she gets the answer and still isn't sure don't mess around.

 

You need to be cool and indifferent when you answer whatever question she has, and let us know what she says and we'll guide you from there. But be prepared for the worst.

 

-Gator

[Chrisg7]

Ok I think I'll respond tomorrow with "what question do you want to ask me?"

 

The more that I think about this whole situation the more sure I am that she had/has feelings for someone else...should I bring this up with her?

[Hules]

No you should not bring that up that is your insecurities showing and honestly will you feel better knowing shes into someone else? no, either way she is going to do what she wants regardless of your feelings especially if you let her walk all over you.

 

So basically you can respond but I wouldn't recommend it (I know you will anyway). If she has to ask you if its ok to ask you a question its going to be something you don't want to hear (this sort of question is also manipulative and stringing you along with false hope, um bitch much? yeah I think so). If you don't like the question shes asks you need to put your foot down and take no more of her bull**** for your own good.

[gator12]

Ok I think I'll respond tomorrow with "what question do you want to ask me?"

 

The more that I think about this whole situation the more sure I am that she had/has feelings for someone else...should I bring this up with her?

 

Just ask her a simple "What is it". But like hules said don't let her string you along, answer her question and leave it at that. Don't get put into a situation where she has the power again. And IF she does tell you she wants to get back together with you, very doubtful, but if she does then wait a day or two before even talking to her about it. Let her know that this isn't going to be okay again without even saying anything.

 

Second chances are hard but we'll get to that if we get there. For now play it cool and calm don't let her drag you into a talk about "your feelings" this all needs to be on her. By waiting to respond to her you are getting some of the power you have lost back. But if she is still indecisive after your answer, do nothing, take a deep breath. And move on.

 

-Gator

[The way it should be]

Dude she oviously still loves you and just doesnt know how to tell you i have had enough relationships like that and it happens lots. Just walk up to her say you just cant live without her and tell her how much you really want her back. Tell her how when you were together you felt like everyday was the best day of you life and u felt like nothnig could bring you down or hurt you as long as you were able to see her. She is bound to take you back after she sees how much you need her. Good luck

[Layzie89]

Dude she oviously still loves you and just doesnt know how to tell you i have had enough relationships like that and it happens lots. Just walk up to her say you just cant live without her and tell her how much you really want her back. Tell her how when you were together you felt like everyday was the best day of you life and u felt like nothnig could bring you down or hurt you as long as you were able to see her. She is bound to take you back after she sees how much you need her. Good luck

This is pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to do man. If you want her back, she has to be attracted to you. Presenting yourself as needy and broken without her by saying 'I can't live without you' is not attractive by any means...it will only cause her to have feelings of pity and sympathy towards you which is not what you want right now.

 

As everybody here has said...keep your cool. Keep things light, be indifferent about the whole situation. Show her you're perfectly fine without her. You can show her that you want her, very subtly, but showing her that you need her will not help your chances at all.

[psimp1005]

Dude she oviously still loves you and just doesnt know how to tell you i have had enough relationships like that and it happens lots. Just walk up to her say you just cant live without her and tell her how much you really want her back. Tell her how when you were together you felt like everyday was the best day of you life and u felt like nothnig could bring you down or hurt you as long as you were able to see her. She is bound to take you back after she sees how much you need her. Good luck

 

Don't do this. That girl will just get the ego boost she wants and leave you hanging, wanting more. Don't let her know your deepest thoughts and feelings. She already knows. Youve already made it clear to her. Ask her what she wants to know, and if it's not what you want to hear, disappear from her sight. You are the prize. Let her do the chasing. Honestly, she's far too immature to know what she really wants.

Like I said, find out what she wants from you. If she doesn't want a relationship with you, accept it and move on. Man up and show her that you can be strong. By telling her how much you need her, youll look like a coward. Don't do that. Being strong willed and worrying about your own feelings and health by removing her from your life is the best thing you can do for the time being.

 

It will never be the right time to get back with her until you have both moved on and put the past behind you, and the only way you can do this is strict NC for a while. Listen to gator and nearly everyone else on here. Man up and do you.

 

My ex gf of 1 year broke up with me a month ago, and i chased her for 2 weeks. I realized how much of a b1tch she became, and have been in NC since, and I will break it for nothing. It's making me feel great. Just stick with it.

Good luck.

[TryTryAgain]

I agree with psimp1005.

 

It is obvious you are really worked up about this. I don't blame you. Just keep the upper hand and you shall not fail.

[Chrisg7]

Well we had this conversation last night, starting with her message

 

 

I am sorry I shouldn't ask u this and I said I wouldn't but I need to talk to someone about my mom. Please.Its kind of an emergency, and there is also something I really need to tell you.*

Chris :-\*

Ok, that's fine. I understand :'(. Bye.

 

Sorry I can talk now

 

Oh its fine. Sorry about being dramatic. Its been a long night.

 

That's ok, you said there was an emergency?

 

Long story short I m not allowed on my house n can't get in touch with my dad n [stepmom] is out of state n I m outside n don't know what to do n m hysterical n I know its not your problem but idk what to do :'(*

 

Im sorry if u r busy. The other thing will have to wait I guess. N I m so sorry for this. But I am so alone n scared n idk what to do besides wait*

 

Have you seen if any of your friends can come get you?

 

(she doesn't respond for a while but then sends this message)

 

 

Thank god, my mom let me back inside. I am sorry again but the fact that u responded and were willing to help me means the world*...its no longer an emergency. I am sorry and wont bother you again. Wheen you are ready if you ever are or want to, to talk to me*please let me know so i can tell you something.'

 

Yeah sure I told you I'd help if you had an emergency of some sort*

 

i know you did but still i am greatful. thank you.

please. i just dont want you to be mad at me. just, at some point, tell me if and when you are ready to talk to me about us

 

No problem...What did you want to ask me earlier?

 

what your feelings for me are, and if they have changed.

 

I do have feelings for you but I think theyve changed

 

Ok. That's all I needed to know.

 

Now what did you want to tell me?

 

it doesnt matter. sorry i am not trying to manipulate or be dramatic, it just doesnt matter anymore.

 

*Well what was it?

 

i really dont want to share anymore...

 

*why now all of the sudden?

 

because you answered my question about your feelings and also bc i know you wouldnt like or approve of my proposition

 

Well just tell me what you were going to say

 

i was going to tell you i love you. that i miss you. and never should have broken up with you bc of the outsides sources of

pressure. i regret my decision and dont want anyone else, but the catch was going to be that we cant openly be together.*

and i know you well enough to know that you wouldnt go for that at all 1) bc i hurt you more than anyone desrves to be hurt*

especially a loving and kind person like you and 2)bc its inappropriate for me to ask, expect, or even hop for that from you.

 

Well I would have given it some thought

 

i am sorry ishouldnt have brought it up at all even vaguely like i did the other day...if you go to college and dont find a girl more deserving of you or who you love more, just think of me, please...

i know that sounds soap opera-y but i promise i am being genuine. i know your feelings for me have changed but if that scenario

becomes reality, please, just remember and think about it.

 

So you don't want to bring that up anymore because I said I have feelings for you...?

*

no bc they have changed... idk what that means exactly but it didn't sound good... and after what i did the repercussions*

shouldnt be good. idk what i was expecting you to say. i am sorry...i love you.

 

I was going to think it over but if it's not what you want anymore then ok

 

no i do... ireally do. i just dont want you to settle or to feel used. bc i swear, thats not what it is at all...but please chris i know you wouldnt but dont tell anyone about this. *there are reasons why even in my imagination our relationship and feelings couldnt be open to others

 

Why because you want a second relationship?

 

a realtionship with someone besides you? no i dont.

 

Then why do you want to be with me in secret?

 

*neither of my parents will let me have a relationship with you again, or with anyone for that matter.

 

And why is that?

 

bc they feel i cannot handle it and saw how hurt i was after we broke up and said it wasnt healthy to be so emotionally attached*to one person at my age. ...i will be completely exclusive to anyone but you. *you may do whatever you wish bc i am the one who hurt you but u really are*the only one for me, and i regret it took my losing you to figure it out...if you dont want this i will totally understand. i cant even think about how this will even begin to work. all i know is i miss*and want only you. i dream about you every night, and cry about how much *i miss you whenever i am alone. i know that sounds*terribly desperate, but thats exactly what i am.

 

I might consider it, but I feel like there might be some things you haven't been open with throughout this

 

this whole parents thing didnt emerge until we werent talking completely like a week ago. i have been forthcoming though i swear...and i know i dont deserve a second chance or deserve you. so no matter what it is i will respect your decision i swear.

 

It really would make sense you broke up with me because you have/had feelings for someone else

*

i havent though. thats why ive felt so alone. bc without you chris i have no one.

 

Are you sure about that? The whole situation would all make sense if that was the case

 

yeah i know it would. ive tried to convince myself that i had feelings for this that and the other to try and justify it to*

myself but it just hasnt worked, and everytime i realize that despite how damged i am that i should have made it work bc i*

dont have feelings for anyone else i feel sick to my stomach and i just have this hole in me that i feel constantly now...

trust me i have tried every justification there is for hurting you but i havent found one. yes my mom didnt want me with you,*

but so what. yes i was damaged, but so what. yes we argued and i hid my feelings from you and we both said things we shouldnt

have before it ended, but i didnt need to lie to you and tell you my feelings had changed bc they hadnt.

 

Ok well if everything you are telling me is the complete truth, I will give this some thought, but if two people have to keep everything secret I'm not sure I'd Consider that an actual relationship

 

i know, neither wouold i. but ill take whatever i can get if it gets me close to you again.

 

Ok well I will think about it and I will tell you what i decide, but right now I just really need some time to think*

 

your consideration means the world to me, I totally understand

 

Ok well I'll let you know when I'm ready to talk about it*

 

ok, that is fine...as i said, i will respect whatever your decision is no matter what.

 

I'll talk to you then

 

but again please dontm ention this to anyone... otherwise itll ne over b4 it had the chance to start...if u want it to that is...talk to you then...i am sorry for the mixed signals and emotional stress i have caused you. itll be all over after this no mater what the outcome,*sleep well.