She stopped loving me but I need her in my life

[Hules]

A relationship that no one can know about? Sounds like shes hiding something :\

[Renewed]

So your in high school right....and your going to have a secret relationship right.....and i guess you can never be seen in public together...never have a real convo together....so really what is the point. Be honest with yourself. And as a matter of fact why don't you go back and re read your entire thread from beginning to end. Listen to how you sound and read all the advice that was giving to you. And I think you will see that you are only listening, seeing, hearing what you want to hear and that YOU are dragging this out. I'm going to tell you what your ex girl is doing. I am a woman and have seen it done many times before. She is keeping you in her pocket until another one comes along. You will be her pawn. Pawns are always the first to go in chess my friend. I feel bad for you I truly do. But enough is enough. So I urge you go back and read all those post you made...read how you omitted the advice of others and only took the advice you wanted to hear. See how each and every time you made contact with her it just made things more confusing and more complicated. Its all a game, she wants to see if she still has you. The power struggle as she referred to it was just a great play on words that she used against you. You fell right into the trap she set you up for. And that last entire text was a bunch of bs. She is afraid to be alone. How old is she 5, no she is not five she is a young woman trying to play the victim card and you fell for it again!!!! Ask yourself this, if you do get back with her, what is going to happen. Are you going to stay in this hidden relationship for life?

Edited March 9, 2011 by Renewed
left out a word

[Chrisg7]

Idk what to do i really love her and I don't think she would be that manipulative..

 

I think she meant we could act like friends in public and secretly be in a relationship...I would maybe say I will act how I want to with you in public but deny that we are in a relationship...i really don't know I'm just thinking aloud

 

I was thinking of saying that I'd give it a chance but it would need to be public by the sunmer

 

I might say that I won't really be 100 percent into this relationship until you show me that your actually serious about this

Edited March 9, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Renewed]

I am not trying to be hard on you I promise, but you are a scenario man so Im giving you some scenarios to think about (plus im trying to get you to see how this is not going to work) So you are at school and another guy is flirting with her or maybe another guy likes her..what will you do then...really can't do anything huh because you have a private relationship. What happens if she goes to another party and dances with another person..really can't do or say much because your in a private relationship...If you give her this "until summer" ultimatum and she says sure we will go public in summer..and then when summer comes and she says she is not ready to go public..what you gonna do then...The scenarios are endless and the majority of them do not end in your favor. I think you need to end this. You have been dealing with this for over a month. Love takes time to heal, but you are self inflicting more pain.

[Chrisg7]

If she danced with or flirted with other guys, I would end everything right away...is it wrong to think that maybe there's a chance she's being sincere?

 

Why can't I just not put much into the relationship until it's public?

Edited March 9, 2011 by Chrisg7

[Renewed]

I think you are in love with a person and are trying to see the best in the person when you should just let it go. I don't think she is being sincere. Can you remind me on why you can't be public again? (I'm really asking to and not trying to be funny because I forgot)

 

oh and based off of everything you told us..I really dont think you will be able to "not put much into the relationship" your nose is still wide open for this girl

[Chrisg7]

She said her parents saw how hurt she was after we broke up and said she is not old enough to be that emotionally dependent on someone

[psimp1005]

I'll start by saying you were smart by not giving her a straight up answer and telling her you'll think about it. But it seems like she's trying to play you hard. She reeled you in with the guilt trip about her mom. And now she wants a secret relationship?? Bull crap. She doesn't want to be single and alone. She wants the satisfaction of you being there while she goes out and does her thing, probably with other guys. She will think that, because your not publicly together, she can go out and do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. And you won't know about it because you won't be talking to her or seeing her like a couple should be. If she doesn't love or want you enough to openly be with you, you need to move on. Don't settle for such a sh*tty situation. It's gonna be hell for you in the long run. You won't be happy. Either a full on relationship with her or nothing at all.

[Chrisg7]

I think that i might communicate with her and ask her two questions tonight, nothing more

 

1) what would happen if your parents knew you were in a public relationship

 

2) how would you expect to make a private relationship work out?

[Renewed]

Welp let us know how it goes

[lcfc1993]

I can relate to this. My ex hurts everyone shes close to as well and she said she'd never do it to me, well guess what, she did.

[lcfc1993]

Just reading through all your posts mate and I'm pretty much exactly the same as you.

 

I was needy towards her, treated her like a princess, her sexual past bothered me for ages too.

 

I'm still hanging on with NC, found out tonight shes flirting on social networking sites with my old friends, but still believe she loves me.

 

But I don't want her back, I can do so much better.

 

If your back with this girl now, and the arguments or bitterness starts, then you'll know deep down its not right and your going to have to go through all that pain again.

[Chrisg7]

Sigh...here's the conversation

 

 

Hey I have a few questions*

 

Ya hey.

 

Ok first, what is your idea of a "secret relationship"?

 

Idk anything you will give me to let me be close to you again

 

Well last night you said you wanted to be in a relationship with me but "it could only be in secret"...could you elaborate on that?

 

Idk chris at this I m so desperate to be with you I don't care what it means. Basically no one n I mean no one besides us two would be able to know...N it could be a fling a relationship anything you will allow or give to me

 

So are you suggesting no dates, no acting like a couple in school or anything like that?

 

When u put it like that it sounds terrible but u have to understand I have been banned from even texting you... but I miss u so much n regret what I did*n I know I caused this and so if you don't forgive me I understand but know I m sorry

 

Lol why in the world have you been banned from texting me

 

Idk I've been banned from communicating with you...

 

And why is that?

 

I thought I mentioned this last night but maybe not my mind was going a hundred miles a second. My parents agreed it was unhealthy for me to be so emotionally attached to one person at my age based on my reaction after we broke up.

 

...so they banned you from communicating with me? I'm not sure I can believe that but I still have a couple more questions

 

Are u serious? Have u not met my mom? N [stepmom] freaked bc she was worried n convinced my dad my mom was right

 

My second question is how do you expect to make this supposed "secret relationship" work in the long run?

 

I have no idea actually.*

 

Like what do you think would happen when I graduate and we go on summer break? What happens when i go off to college?

 

I wish I knew ...*

 

Ok well my last question is what would your parents do if you were openly in a relationship? Please don't exaggerate your answer, think realistically

 

Its not a possibility bc neither of then would ever let me see you. Theywould actually keep me from u

 

And how would that change things in any way from being in a "secret relationship" lol

 

Bc they wouldn't br aware n wouldn't consciously keep me away from you

 

Yeah it doesn't seem like id get to see you or talk to you more either way

 

Yes u would... I can't be In an open relationship please trust me

 

I still really have a hard time believing that your whole family wants me totally out of your life after you broke up with me, but that's all I have to ask for. Now, I will let you know when I'm ready to talk about things, but I've still got a good amount of thinking to do

 

I understand just please try n understand this is the only option for me, for us if there is an us

 

Well maybe your thinking about the short term, but I'm thinking about this with the long run in mind

 

As am I. I promise

 

How can you be thinking about things in the long run when you have no idea how your "plan" would work in a couple months? Because thats really all the time we Have left at the same school, after that if we were in "secret", you'd most likely seldom see my face again in your life

 

i promise this is th eonly way. *otherwise my parents would probably block ur number on my phone n actively prevent me from*seeing you which would aloow me to see you less (if at all) than if they didnt know

 

Again, I ask of you to think of things in the long run

 

i am chris. *again them knowing would prevent me from seeing you at all after you went away and i probably owuldnt be able to*text or call you either...have u told anyone about this?

 

Yes, I was with Nathan when you texted last night and he saw the messages before you told me not to tell anyone

 

then idk if this will work now....

 

I still haven't said I'm willing to make it work...I'll let you know when I'm ready*

 

yeah I know but u may not have a choice anymore...so now youve told him everything since then even after i told you not to?...or asked you not to

 

What would you like me to say? I'm not about to argue

 

neither am i. however , i would like an answer to my question.

 

Yes I have

 

can i not trust you at all? i am not being argumentative i m just shocked

 

Because he already knew before you told me "i couldn't tell anyone"

 

so what. i m not trying to make things work with nathan, i am trying to make them work with you. he has been a part of this the*whole time id like this to be between u and me and not based on what your friends think i want what u think

 

I haven't gotten any advice except to do what I feel is best, but all these accusations and stuff your throwing at me are not giving me a great impression...If you can say how much you love me one second and then freak out the next, that doesn't really give me good feelings about this whole situation

 

i have yet to accuse you of anything. i am just shocked bc despite my asking you didnt mention once that he knew...i am not freaking out chris i am hurt bc i feel like you are not being honest with me. and i dont know if its the case or not it*just felt like u were teaming up or something to get revenge or idk what to get it just shocked me bc it seemed out of character

 

I have always been, and will always be 100 percent honest with you, if I wasn't honest i would have lied and said I told no one and avoided you being "shocked"

 

please dont be condescending chris... u werent exacly forthcoming i guess then. but what should i expect from you. i wasnt either at first

 

And yeah it's definitely in my character to get revenge...I have been nothing but pleasant to you throughout this...and yeah I didn't say anything to avoid this type of a reaction...but I really have to go now

 

chris i wasnt trying to accuse youof that. i was just saying it felt like you were trying to do simething idk... And*ok. but this may have messed up our possibility of a chance... thats the only reason i am upset

 

You should know me better than that after talking to me every day for a year, I haven't changed. I will let you know when I can talk about this fully*

[Hules]

You seriously need to let this one go Chris (not that you even have her she has you wrapped around her little finger). It is really painful reading this and seeing that you put up with this crap.

 

Her asking to have a private relationship is the most selfish crap I've ever heard. Thing about her parents is a load of crap, its nothing to do with them, it's so you transfer your anger onto her parents for not letting you be together.

 

When in reality it is because she wants to tell every guy that shows her interest that she is single. Whilst keeping you around as a plaything.

 

You need to take her off that giant pedestal you have her on for a second and realize the following:

 

-She is Childish, Immature

-She is Manipulative

-She treats you like ****

-She is a lier (linked with manipulative)

-She only wants you around until she finds someone else

-She doesn't respect, love you

-She is a bitch

 

 

Is that honestly someone you want to be with? Don't you deserve better? Do you not care about yourself?

 

If you want to preserve whatever tiny sliver of dignity you have left you need to put your ****ing foot down and tell her "I have thought about it and have decided I cannot be with you. I wish you the best of luck, please respect my decision and boundaries" and then cut this child out of your life so you can start living again!

 

I know you won't listen because you only read what you want to see and discard anything that doesn't fit your perfect picture of her. Good luck, you need it

[Chrisg7]

Do you think it would be a bad idea to contact her dad and ask if she's actually not allowed to talk to me

[Hules]

Yes very bad, you need to cut this child out of your life...

 

Don't drag her family into this she is the one treating you like **** not them

[Chrisg7]

I am giving in, because if I don't I know I may always regret it, because there is still a small chance that she is being genuine. I realize that I am opening myself up to more hurt and everything but this is my decision, keep the insults and the berating to yourselves please. More details about this decision to come.

[Renewed]

I will second that, NO don't ask them it is a very bad idea. Do you really think she was sooo upset that she broke up with you. What sense does that make? Who is so upset when they break up with someone that they "don't love". Well Chris everyone here is telling you No, don't do it, like everyone here told you before to NC her. I wish you the best whatever the outcome is. Good Luck

[Chrisg7]

Thank you for the good wishes, this may be the only way I can ever know for sure. I am going to send her a long Facebook message containing my decision and terms so that she cannot interject between thoughts and I am going to tell her to respond yes or no, nothing else. I will post the message here for those of you who are interested once i write it.

 

I am truly sorry for being so stubborn and not listening to all of you who are trying to help me. I cannot tell you how much you all mean to me and how much I value all the advice and well thought out posts. I am young as you all point out, and i think this is something i just need to learn the hard way

[Hules]

Mate I'm sorry you don't like what I'm telling you but its not because I'm trying to be a dick its because you aren't thinking straight and I don't like seeing people been played, you are been PLAYED.

 

What will it achieve contacting her parents? If they banned you from talking to her.

 

Result: She will go ape**** because you talked to them.

 

If shes lying.

 

Result: She will go ape**** because you talked to them. She will go ape**** because you caught her lying.

 

It's a lose lose situation and I'm going to say it now when you come back with your heart shattered in your hands wondering why it didn't work out as you planned. I told you so, many other told you so as well you chose to ignore us.

[Hules]

Ok Chris thats a better way of approaching it make your terms clear be firm. If you don't like her answers you need to walk away. Simple as that.

[Shqipo]

Coming from someone whose parents wouldn't let her date the guy she was dating. Guess what..I did and I hid it from my parents. And guess what...his friends knew, my friends knew. What's shes saying is a load of BULL****! complete and utter BULL****!!! This is truly a situtation where you are trying to exhaust it until you can't no more. I dont konw why people are wishing you good luck..I just wanna smack you!!! WHY do you come here asking for advice and then NOT TAKE IT. and on top of that, asK for more advice..because you did what you were told not to do in the first place!

 

This is basically a summary of your thread.

 

YOU: what should i do

EVERYONE: nc

YOU: Ah i dont wanna, and ive ****ed the situation up even more

EVERYONE: ah BACK OFF and do nothing

YOU: too late, already did something, what about now

EVERYONE: NC!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU: ah no must reply...does this look ok..ok now what do i do

 

 

I gotta tell you kid, I've seen people break NC but ive never seen someone ask for advice and then completely and utterly refuse to take it..and then ask for MORE advice only to continue NOT taking it

 

wow wow wow

 

I just had to rant. Forgive my harshness

[Chrisg7]

Here is the message I have prepared, but not sent

 

 

I know that you are probably suggesting this whole secret relationship thing so that you can go tell every guy interested in you your single*

 

I know your probably doing it to keep me in your back pocket until someone else you like better comes along

 

I know that your parents (specifically your dad) probably don't want me out of your life like you say when I was a GREAT boyfriend to you

 

I know that you most likely have other reasons for not letting anyone besides us two know about this

 

I know that if I agree, I will open myself up to be manipulated, and that will likely happen

 

I know that 99% of the great memories we have would never have been possible if our relationship was in secret

 

I know that by agreeing to this, I would be ashamed of myself, and invite more emotional turmoil into my life with open arms*

 

I know that a "secret relationship" is nearly impossible to make last. My last relationship was pretty much the same thing, her parents wouldnt allow her to have a boyfriend, so we had to keep it secret, and it SUCKED. But even then, we told our friends about the situation and it had no effect on her parents knowing about it.

 

I know that such a secret relationship would probably not last more than a couple weeks.

 

I know that if I agreed I would probably just be your plaything.

 

I know that you have probably changed into someone who is not the girl I fell in love with.

 

I know that I do not deserve all of this.

 

On the other hand, I know that there is a small chance that your being totally honest with me. The girl i thought I knew would never want to hurt, lie to, or manipulate me, she would only want to be happy with me.

 

I also know that if I don't at least give this a chance, I will never know for sure, and may always regret my decision.

 

The only thing I know that I want is that I want to be happy with you, and If there's a one in a million chance that things could work out between us, I will go for it. So I will accept your offer, but not outright, I have some terms of my own.

 

If we do this, here is what I expect from you.

 

I will still have the same expectations with you as far as flirting goes. I would expect you to not be flirtatious with anyone besides me. I know that I cannot control what you do when I am nor around you, but this is still necessary. A private relationship doesn't mean that you can go to a party and grind on guys and expect it to have no reprocussions. I expect that you will probably go do all of this behind my back anyway, but i am trusting you not to. Please realize how valuable that trust is, and do not use it to manipulate me. If you cannot do this for me, then this will not work.

 

My next condition kind of goes with the last one, you cannot flaunt that you are single. I really don't want you going around and bragging that you are single because If this happens, you won't be. I would not like you to be listed as single on facebook (just dont have anything listed under relationship status). You don't need to "pretend" like your single and go on dates with other guys and flirt with them and stuff, I wil not do this if that happens. You should not think in terms of acting like your single, but rather that your just not in a relationship. I have no less expectations of you than I did in our last relationship.

 

The next thing you must realize is the easiest in theory, but the hardest to put into action. This new relationship would not make all the problems of the past vanish. We would still have A LOT to work through with how the last relationship ended if we want to make this work, and if you want this to work, you have to be ready to do your best to work it out.

 

Another condition, is that If we do this, you will talk to (school counselor) on a regular basis about your problems, this is only because I care about you and want to help you.

 

Also, we will still be able to act the same as we used to together in school. I will still be able to see you and flirt with you and hug you and spend as much time with you as I used to, and you will not treat me differently than you used to. When asked, we can deny that we are in a relationship, but we will not treat each other any differently unless your parents are around.

 

My final condition is that we can tell trustworthy friends. As I said, in my last relationship we told pretty much all our friends and the parents had no idea, so this should not be a problem at all. Idk about you but I know which friends I can trust to keep a secret, and I'm not going to lie to them. I'm not going to sacrifice on my strong friendships for this.*Telling Nathan or any of my friends that I could trust for that matter would not affect anything unless there's something your not telling me, and if your still not being totally open with me, I don't want to do this.

 

I know how cynical this letter is but i must be cautious after what happened between us. As I said the other night, I can promise you that i am still the same person.*

 

I know that if you want to be with me like you say you do, then you will make this work and understand how important my conditions are. There is no room for not being honest or forthright about things in a private relationship. Please ******, show me that I have made the right decision. Please show me that everything you say about your feelings for me is true, and most importantly please show me that I can trust you again. Please don't make me regret this.

 

I would like you to reply to this message with a simple one word answer. Either reply yes that you can do this or no that you cannot. If you reply no, I cannot offer you a compromise, as this is as much as I am willing to compromise, this is the only chance I can give you. If you reply yes, then you are acknowledging the fact that you can do this on all of the conditions I listed. I do not want any explanations, just either reply yes or reply no, and be aware of the consequences to both.

[Hules]

No way in hell I would send that to an ex. All I gotta say is it ain't going to end the way you think it is going too :\

 

Who's going to be worse off because of it, you.

[SDA]

it just wouldn't be a healthy relationship.