There will be no MMF for me, how do i deal?

[Urgie]

My other thread was really more about advice on how to approach an MMF with her, etc. This board was very helpful, and most likely helped me avoid a possibly disastrous mistake.

 

This thread is different. Its not happening, ill accept that, now i need help dealing with it. So I hope the mods dont mind me making another thread for just this.

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I am as persistent and thick headed as they come, and can honestly say it is time to accept it just will not happen and i need to deal with it. However i am having trouble, so id like to ask for some advice here.

 

We have talked about it for many years. When i say we talked about it, i really mean i brought it up and tried to sell it to her, but she didn't go for it. She is always open to talking about anything, including this. She is never overly against or apposed to the idea, just very confused about why i would want it, and how to handle the risks involved.

 

With her for 15yrs, married for a few now, and have 2 wonderful children. My wife is the woman of my dreams and is my entire world! There is no question about my love. Maybe 10yrs ago i brought this up as being one of my main fantasies. We were young and frisky ... one time on a vacation i talked her into bringing a guy back! You can almost hear her nerves going crazy through her skin! But she did it ... and then backed out at the very last second (as "last second" as you can possibly imagine .. yes, THAT last second!!). After this it was very clear it would never happen, so i let it die for many years.

 

Recently somehow we got back into the verbal version of this fantasy in the bedroom, which eventually led to toys being involved, and ill let you use your imagination from there ... bottom line, it was HOT! She was doing and saying all of the things i wanted her to! Which in turn sparked that damn fantasy up, but HARD this time. I thought after all these years maybe she is having second thoughts and may like to experiment? give it a shot? who knows??

 

So after some time i brought it up. Same types of refusals basically.

- Why would you want to share me?

- We are married, doesnt that mean anything?

- What if i get pregnant or STD

- How can i be intimate with someone else?

- Etc

 

All very real, and valid points. I explain time after time that if this is something she is willing to try, we can at least discuss the risks and rewards over dinner or something and see how far she is comfortable taking it. I also always add that I understand she may not be ready for this, and if that is the case she has to let me know so i can drop it. However i also added that if we were going to drop it, we really need to cool it in the bedroom with the dirty talk about it also, because it is driving me crazy! Its like someone just quit using Crack, but then volunteers for a job cleaning up the Crack Den lol. Its torture!

 

So i didn't really get an answer, which is her style .. not directly answering anything. But by the way she is hesitating, and the points she is making, it is obvious i need to just leave it alone and accept it will never happen. I love her too much and wouldn't ever push her into something she doesn't want to do, and i caught myself doing just that. So enough.

 

Now comes the hard part! How do i possibly let this go? It has been such a huge fantasy of mine. It has become the center of most of the dirty talk in the bedroom, which is fueling our amazing sex life. It has become like an addiction or obsession for me!!

 

Should i try to get help? I cant really talk to her about this because it could be perceived as me bringing it up again, and i really don't want to. But on the other hand by avoiding it completely, i feel like i am blocking her out, or shutting her out, or maybe have some deep down resentment toward her for not wanting to try it, or at least give me closure one way or the other on the issue.

 

Please spare me the "The world will self-destruct if you keep pushing this!!" advice. I have heard more than i needed, and I agree .. it is something my wife is not willing to do, so it is time to move on.

 

 

Sorry for the long winded rant ... just really needing advice on how to cope.

[mitchell]

You need help. Go see a counselor.

 

Fantasies are just that, fantasy. You're wife is not interested in acting out your fantasies. Stop obsessing and move on with your wife. Continue to enjoy your bedtime fun with toys and all of her dirty talk.

[Urgie]

You need help. Go see a counselor.

 

Fantasies are just that, fantasy. You're wife is not interested in acting out your fantasies. Stop obsessing and move on with your wife. Continue to enjoy your bedtime fun with toys and all of her dirty talk.

 

I guess you might be right, about needing help. Id like to give it a few days at least and see if i can let it naturally die down a bit. If it is still eating at me i will have to seek some discreet help i suppose.

 

Thank you

[You Go Girl]

I think you have a problem with perspective on this issue.

 

This is not your wife's desire. It is yours. Yet you want her to use her body for your desire which she doesn't share.

 

It is selfish, as I said in the other thread.

 

You need to realize the fantasy acting, and the real thing, would be two very different things.

 

Your wife would not be in the throes of lusty orgasm as you imagine. She might even simply break down and cry. See the difference? In reality, this doesn't work FOR HER.

For her it doesn't work!

It wouldn't work in reality. It only works in play because she is with you only, and it is only play with you!

 

I think you have a problem with separating fantasy and reality. You need to imagine the reality as it would be--not as you want it to be. Tears more likely than lusty orgasm for the other guy. This is the REALITY.

FANTASY AND REALITY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

[Urgie]

I think you have a problem with perspective on this issue.

 

This is not your wife's desire. It is yours. Yet you want her to use her body for your desire which she doesn't share.

 

It is selfish, as I said in the other thread.

 

You need to realize the fantasy acting, and the real thing, would be two very different things.

 

Your wife would not be in the throes of lusty orgasm as you imagine. She might even simply break down and cry. See the difference? In reality, this doesn't work FOR HER.

For her it doesn't work!

It wouldn't work in reality. It only works in play because she is with you only, and it is only play with you!

 

I think you have a problem with separating fantasy and reality. You need to imagine the reality as it would be--not as you want it to be. Tears more likely than lusty orgasm for the other guy. This is the REALITY.

FANTASY AND REALITY ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

 

I think you are 1000% correct! I never thought of how it might go the other way, and have her end up in tears ... very good post, thank you

[Lauriebell82]

Associate your fantasy with negative emotions instead of positive ones. I always tell my patients to think of drug/alcohol use as a negative thing, not a positive one. Think of all the consequences of using and not how good it made you feel. That should help deter you from thinking of the fantasy. A coping mechanism that I suggest to my patients is to put a rubber band around your wrist and everytime they think about drugs/alchol then snap it. That will connect the thought with a negative stimuli (the pain on your wrist) instead of a positive one (getting drunk or high).

 

I also would suggest counseling as well, a therapist could help you work through this issue and stop your obsession with this thing.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, counseling is the way to go. You need to give this fantasy up. Your marriage and your wife is much more important in the long run than a few steamy experiences of a sexual fantasy being played out.

[Iconoclast]

Urgie, sounds like your fantasy has become an obsession.

But you must remember, YOU CONTROL the fantasy. The reality is dramatically different. But I think your desire is clouding your reason. Understandable.

It will be much different than the fantasy, have you really thought through the risk?

You Go Girl's post is pretty spot on.

 

You gave your wife the fantasy and she enjoyed it. You enjoyed it. Seems kinda childish to just shut it down, punish her, because you want to experience it in reality.

 

It's a great fantasy. The risk is just too great. You could lose everything.

[xxoo]

I like YGG's post for the "reality check". Hopefully, imagining the likely negative outcomes will naturally sour the fantasy a bit.

 

Instead of focusing on the one thing you can not have, change your focus to all the wonderful things you do have. Gratitude is powerful.

 

Remember that you can only hold one thought at a time. What else could you be thinking about that would be a healthier use of your mental energy? Take on a project that will require a lot of planning and problem solving, and forcibly change your focus to that whenever these thoughts invade your mind.

[LittleTiger]

YGG is spot on.

 

Fantasies are just that - fantasies. The little scenarios you talk about or play out in your head are not reality. Fantasy and reality are different things.

 

As I said in the other thread, my man and I share fantasies and it really turns me on, but if I imagine any of it actually happening (ie a real situation NOT a fantasy), the thought of it makes me sick. Do you understand the difference?

 

I feel for your wife.

 

I think you are becoming obsessed and you need to get into therapy before the obsession destroys your marriage.

[Iconoclast]

Urgie. I also want to remind you. Bud, you've got it made!

 

Quote: "We are together over 10yrs, relationship is stronger than ever. 2 Beautiful kids and there is no question that i love her .. and i know i can satisfy her myself."

 

That, and you have a lively and interesting bedroom life, waaaaay beyond what most people get or even imagine.

 

Have you let her know how much you do appreciate this? That's really, really important.