Why am I still here?!

[Nutmeg617]

Hi, all. I'm resurrecting my thread from last year, so read up if you want the whole backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t232429/

 

I also posted in the OW/OM section last night, but it was stupid of me to do it, and I think I was just venting. Not having a PA, but borderline EA as I've been texting some with an old flame. It's destracting and destructive, so I'm going to be working on squashing it and refocusing. I just wanted to bring things up to speed, as I'm still in this house with my H and I don't know why. I could really use some guidance.

 

Things haven't changed all that much since my first post last year, but there have been a few developments. A couple of months after that thread we actually had sex after 6 months of neglect. At first, when he even touched me I completely broke down crying because I hadn't had any affection for so long. I came around and we went at it like rabbits for about a week. I was hoping things might start getting better, but as usual it didn't last. Fighting and neglect commenced after a short time. Last September we got shocking news that I was pregnant, but sadly it didn't last long. I lost the baby at 10 weeks. This was a horrible time for me emotionally, and I don't think my H knew how to be supportive. He'd hug me if I asked for it, but he mainly left me alone to cry by myself. At one point I ended up in the ER from bleeding and he was there with me, but was a complete A-hole. My MIL had our son, and on the way home H asked me to text her and let her know we were on our way, but H was hungry and wanted to stop for food first. MIL texted back and said I should be dropped off at home so I could rest. H didn't like that idea, because he wanted to eat, so he said I had to come with him first to pick up our son. He told me I'm "not an invalid" and could rest later. No, I wasn't an invalid, just bleeding profusely and losing our child. Guess it was too much to expect to be taken care of a little in that state. Then just a few weeks ago I was getting our son ready for daycare and H didn't like how long I was taking so he was picking a fight with me. I asked him to stop because I didn't want to fight in front of our son. He kept on and kept on, trying to get me to my breaking point which he seems to love to do. I finally couldn't take anymore and I went over to him in our bedroom and closed the door so our son couldn't see. I grabbed him by his bathrobe and shook him and yelled at him to stop. He grabbed me hard by my arms and shoved me up against the door. I had bruises later. When I opened the door my son looked so frightened, and I felt like the worst mother on Earth. I even asked him one day how he would feel if mommy lived in one house and daddy lived in a different house, and sometimes he lived with mommy and sometimes with daddy but not all together. That way maybe mommy and daddy wouldn't fight so much anymore. He said to me "and then I would be VERY happy". He's not even three yet. Broke my heart into a million pieces.

 

WTF is keeping me here?! Part of it is financial, I know. And guilt for breaking up my son's family. I told my parents I wanted to separate recently, and my dad said something that really hit home. He said that when you have children you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would jump in front of a moving train to save your child's life. Take the hit to spare them. He then asked me which train I was going to jump in front of with this situation. The one where I stay in this M for my son, or the one with the divorce on board. I know what he was getting at, but I can't figure out which one my son is standing in the path of.

[mbm69]

I replied to you on the other forum.

 

I am living a situation similar to yours right now. Except that my 'texting' has gotten out of proportion and is now an outright EA. The old flame has just brought to the surface all that was not going well in the relationship with my spouse.

 

I am now in the process of contacting a lawyer to see what my options are. I think I was scared of leaving my spouse before because of the fear of being alone. Maybe being alone is the best thing for me after all. I do really care about my spouse, he is a great father, but I do not love him anymore. I have stayed for the sake of the kids... but have been living in total apathy and am basically a doormat. That is not the kind of female role model I want to leave for my kids. I have lost the fire, passion and ambition that once was part of my personality. I hope I can recover that at some point.

 

I have no advice, like I said in your post... i'm struggling myself.

[blizzard]

Finances and kids are why I am still here in this in house seperation. But I am moving more forward now...

After an awful initial seperation in 09, I had an affair. It's been over with for 9mts now. And I regret the mistake I made by bringing into our situation. He wants to reconcile...for the kids sake of course. But, there is too much water under the bridge. And the history of him neglecting me and our marriage runs too deep. I am secretly in IC, just to build confidence in myself as well as the ability to let go...and not carry resentment any longer. IC is helping me understand that it's okay to want to be happy, and everything will be okay.

 

Your post stood out to me in that my husband reacted similiar to yours when I too, m/c. Twice. And, I hang onto that until this day...resentfulness on how when I needed him the most...during my darkest hours, he failed me. I grieved alone. I now understand that it is safe to say that we never had a true emotional connection because he lacked the ability to show love...warmth, intimacy. He felt it was weakness for a man to do so. The harder I tried, the more he pushed me away...I suppose out of awkwardness. He said it was just the way he was (born), and he couldn't change it.

 

Now, he swears he can change. When he tries, it feels awkward to me, forced...unnatural...stranger-like. He has lost me.

 

Honestly, I have come to the conclusion that if I stay I cannot be a great mom under so much pressure. Yeah, we fight...nothing incredibly awful in front of them...but it's only human to wear your heart on your sleeve and my kids see it. I don't love my husband the way a wife should. It's obvious to everyone.

I have considered staying. Numbing myself out more than I have now...but I am tired of being swallowed up. When he is gone, I am happy and the kids are see my happiness. When he walks in, I turn into a mean cleaning machine to busy myself so that I don't have to share the same room with him. In turn, I neglect my children just because I am trying to mentally escape him.

 

This is a situation only you can answer. ((hugs)). It's the hardest one I have ever had to make.

[Nutmeg617]

mbm69, you say this OM brought to the surface all the issues in your relationship after he contacted you. Were you happy in your M before that?

 

blizzard, my H says he's gonna try too, but I know what you mean about how it feels. Not so genuine, I suppose. Or maybe we're so far gone that we're no longer receptive to it. My H told me last night, after I asked him what he wants, that he wants his wife back. I wish he could take responsibility for the fact that he's mostly (not entirely) to blame for her absence. I believe he cares about me, but I've communicated with him all these years about my expectations, and he's never cared enough to try to meet them. I just don't think it's enough anymore. What you said about your H feeling like a man showing love and feelings of intimacy is a sign of weakness really struck me because I think my H must feel the same way. I can even imagine his father telling him that very thing. I don't know if they will ever unlearn that, and it's taken me all these years to understand this. I wish I had known it in the beginning, because a life without intimacy is a deal breaker for me.