relationship madness?

[marella]

Hi,

 

Been seeing a man for three years. We live on opposite sides of the continent in different countries (Canada/US). He has a schedule/kids that doesn't allow for him to move where I am (Canada). I have expressed my interest in coming to live with him, but things have been rocky.

 

I recently ended the relationship when he told me in no uncertain terms that he will NEVER be married again. I saw marriage as a viable and sensible means for me to become a US citizen, to live there permanently, having the rights to work and live in the country as I do at home. I know it's not a small step, nor a simple process to do this, but otherwise, I'm forced to have to go back and forth to Canada every six months or so, and I'm getting to the point where I will be able to give up my residence here. I thought it was a logical progression.

 

He had told me a couple of times before that he was against marriage, but he did say once that he was open to it if I weren't able to find a way to live and work in his small town in California. I have looked seriously at what it would take for me to be able to live and work there, and chances are slim without marriage/engagement leading to marriage. When he said, very loudly, NO! During my last visit, I took this as a very bad sign for things to come. So I ended the relationship.

 

He also had the habit of responding very harshly to whenever I expressed how much I enjoyed being with him and his children (I've been visiting regularly for 2 years). On a couple of different occasions he has told me loudly and angrily that I will NEVER be part of his family. And that it's creepy that I like to spend time with his kids and that I should go and get my OWN family. (I have very recently lost 3 family members and am feeling the loss of my own family; this attack was very painful for me.).

 

Most recently, when I about an upcoming family reunion (I have already met most of his family), he told me I wasn't included in the plans. When I asked him why not he felt I had no right to expect so because getting along with each other for a month or more doesn't mean we are going to be together forever, and that I will NEVER be considered to be part of his family. I was devastated. I thought I had to leave his place and go to a motel room, I was so hurt. But he apologized the next day and even went as far as to email his family to ask if I could go along, without asking me first, and has purchased a plane ticket for me to go.

 

But I broke up with him after I got back home, because he said that we would never get married, and he has not offered any help or support or even talked about what I can do to stay with him on a long term basis.

 

As I write this, I know that what he is saying is terrible and abusive, especially since we have a history of breaking up and getting back together that mirrors precisely the abuse cycle of honeymoon-tension-release-honeymoon. I know I've said some nasty things out of anger, too, but I've never done anything to warrant the kinds of hatred he has poured on to me, or such night-and-day shifts in his assessment of me and this relationship. It has been dizzying. I feel very lonely and assaulted, and confused. I loved this guy with all I had.

 

Please help me make some sense of this.

[creighton0123]

So... he gets involved in a long distance, romantic, long term relationship with someone from a different country and then believes that person needs to find their own path to citizenship in order to be with him?

 

He disrespects that person by saying that she will never be a part of his family and that she should find her own family?

 

He insults that person for caring about his children?

 

He disregards her emotions in having recently lost family members?

 

He dismisses her in social activities when they don't have much time to spend together?

 

He says to her that he doesn't care since the two of them won't be together forever?

 

Read this in the third person as an outsider. Despite not being physical, what you're encountering is a very real form of domestic abuse, which can extend into emotional abuse and verbal abuse. If this were happening to one of your girlfriends, what would you say to them?

 

No contact. Sucks if you grew attached to his kids and if they liked you... too bad their father's an *******.

[marella]

creighton0123,

 

Thank you for your response. I loved his kids dearly, and some of his daughter's last words to me were, "you should move here and live with us." It's really sad.

 

I didn't write this, but when I wouldn't "shut up and go to sleep" after he told me about the family reunion (I made some digs and snide comments), he suddenly slammed the mattress next to my head, jumped out of bed, grabbed me by the ankles, and tried to haul me out of the bed. He told me that I could not sleep in his bed with him. My calm request to "take his hands off me now" resulted in a quick stop to this behaviour. He obviously knew he was in the wrong, and stopped suddenly, so it showed me that he was totally in control of what he was doing. We spoke little more until he came home from work early to apologize.

 

He's one scary dude. I have a couple more stories I could relate. He also blames me for his abuse, saying that I push him to it by asking him questions constantly even though he tells me he doesn't want to talk (by telling me that the conversation is over).

[creighton0123]

"He also blames me for his abuse, saying that I push him to it by asking him questions constantly even though he tells me he doesn't want to talk (by telling me that the conversation is over)."

 

How does he treat his children?

 

Get out of that relationship. Behavior like this only ever escalates, mostly while being "your fault".

 

It sucks. It's heartbreaking. But everyone needs someone who will treat them right... except people who will treat others wrongly.

[folieadeux]

You definitely did the right thing by ending this when you did. I know you must be hurting right now, but please resist the temptation to ever get involved with this abusive and manipulative man ever again.

[marella]

"He also blames me for his abuse, saying that I push him to it by asking him questions constantly even though he tells me he doesn't want to talk (by telling me that the conversation is over)."

 

How does he treat his children?

 

Get out of that relationship. Behavior like this only ever escalates, mostly while being "your fault".

 

It sucks. It's heartbreaking. But everyone needs someone who will treat them right... except people who will treat others wrongly.

 

It's complex how he treats his kids. I've heard of times that his anger became so bad his ex had to come get the kids because they were afraid of him. They each have a therapist. His divorce was very tumultuous. He spent a night in jail for abusing his ex, although he blames her for overreacting.

 

He belittles his son without realizing it. His condescending tone of voice towards his son while "helping him" with his homework was painful to watch. I nearly intervened on his son's behalf, but was afraid of what kind of argument that would spark. I've seen him belittle, and negate his kids' feelings about things.

 

He promises to take his kids on outtings, but then changes plans citing it's too expensive (he makes more than 150K/a). He often ignores his daughter's request for homework help. I think they are afraid of him, but desperately want his love. His daughter has found a way to ask for things jokingly so he doesn't erupt in anger. Sometimes he doesn't prepare dinner for them and they go hungry until 8:30 on a school night.

 

He has accused me of being 'co-dependent' because I have responded poorly to some of his shut-up tactics. He also felt that this showed in how I often asked him what he wanted for dinner, or asked me for input on things that I have an opinion on...??? He said he doesn't think I'm capable of having my own independent life if I lived with him (I am a PhD candidate...with my own independent financial resources).

 

He has told me that he knows that God loves him because I am in his life, I'm the most wonderful woman he has ever met, and that he wants to build a life together with me (honeymoon phase).

 

So in short: he loves his kids, but his anger and control issues are unpredictable.

[marella]

You definitely did the right thing by ending this when you did. I know you must be hurting right now, but please resist the temptation to ever get involved with this abusive and manipulative man ever again.

 

Thanks, Folieadeux. I am sort of hurting, but mostly reeling. I need to do some serious healing and soul searching as to why I engaged with this person for so long. He pursued me for two months last summer after I broke up with him after another series of cruel treatment. I really shouldn't have taken his flattery, but I was weak and needed to hear what he was telling me.

 

Speaking with him today was a final nail in the coffin. He was off the hook.

[aerogurl87]

Yeah that's totally emotional abuse and the dragging you off the bed thing is physical abuse in my book. Going NC forever will be for the best. I almost went back to a man who threatened to shoot me on site if he ever saw me again post break up because he said all the right things. Luckily common sense kicked in right in time as I realised I was vunerable, he was lonely, and having someone who would be there for him no matter what, as he knew from previous experience, would've been the perfect scenario for him, but not me. This man offered you pain and walking on eggshells in return for your love and commitment. It's not and wasn't a fair trade, but I can tell you there are men out there who will be willing to go above and beyond to make you a part of their family, instead of an outsider. Who will treat you with dignity and respect. But you'll only be able to find and appreciate one of them if you don't go back into the past and take Mr. Psycho Ex-boyfriend back.

[marella]

Yeah that's totally emotional abuse and the dragging you off the bed thing is physical abuse in my book. Going NC forever will be for the best. I almost went back to a man who threatened to shoot me on site if he ever saw me again post break up because he said all the right things. Luckily common sense kicked in right in time as I realised I was vunerable, he was lonely, and having someone who would be there for him no matter what, as he knew from previous experience, would've been the perfect scenario for him, but not me. This man offered you pain and walking on eggshells in return for your love and commitment. It's not and wasn't a fair trade, but I can tell you there are men out there who will be willing to go above and beyond to make you a part of their family, instead of an outsider. Who will treat you with dignity and respect. But you'll only be able to find and appreciate one of them if you don't go back into the past and take Mr. Psycho Ex-boyfriend back.

 

Thanks, aerogurl; I'm glad that you got out when you did, too. hugs!

[sammyd]

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape! This man is abusive to you, mentally, and physically too. I would say NC too, for your own safety and sanity! This site is a great place to vent, and get advice, so keep posting:)

((hugs)) to you, and welcome to LS!

[marella]

Sammyd: Thanks!

 

So he called me yesterday (twice) and today. I told him I could not talk with him yesterday. Today I picked up the phone.

 

He apologized for saying that I will never be part of his family, but explained to me that he just gets triggered sometimes and things fly out of his mouth. I said, that means that your feelings and anxieties are what matter in this relationship and any potential hurt or damage your words do to me is irrelevant to you.

 

He asked me how long we would need to be married before we could get a divorce and I could stay in the US. I told him that my goal was not to find citizenship in the US, but to find a person to build a life with. Citizenship and marriage were just two key components to us building a life together because of our situation.

 

He told me that by me not stopping the conversation as he ordered at the time, I was trying to injure him, knowing that he simply cannot handle talking about things sometimes. I conceded that I might have behaved badly and reacted to his shutting me out in ways that were not 100% mature, but my desire to continue the conversation was consistently driven by the desire to resolve the conflict, not inflict pain on him.

 

He said that he will try not to call me anymore, but that I shouldn't pick up the phone when he calls just in case he can't manage that. I told him that he is asking me to take responsibility for his actions and I refuse to do so. He should stop calling, since I am not calling him. I told him that if he is interested in "how I'm doing" then he should email me, not call. I'll decide if or when I respond.

 

He asked me if I was dating anyone else yet. (We broke up a week ago; We had gone out for three years!).

 

I said to him that he is starting the cycle again. That this apology and mention of the details of marriage are an attempt to get me back on the slippery slope of getting back together again, and I will have none of it.

 

I asked him to classify his behaviour when he put his hands on me in anger, and he said it was assault. I said thank you for verifying that you knew exactly what you were doing when you did that to me. I said that I was grateful to him for saying no to marriage to me because every book I've ever read has said that marriage often leads to escalation of abuse.

 

I told him that I appreciate his efforts to smooth things over, but I'm not interested in having a chatty, friendly relationship with him given how he has hurt me, and I will never accept his apology because I will never accept his abusive behaviour.

 

He then told me how he fainted in the bathroom last night because he contracted a stomach bug.

 

Then we ended the conversation.

 

Oh my...

[TMichaels]

Marella,

 

Can you change your phone number? I would if I were you.

 

Does this guy know where you live? If so, I would be very cautious and mindful of your surroundings.

 

Not to insult you since you spent the past three years with this guy, but he DOES NOT sound stable at all and I wouldn't put it past him to do whatever it takes to get to you.

 

With his anger and abuse issues I'd be very, very careful. It goes without saying you need to distance yourself in every sense of the word from this guy without delay.

 

Take care,

TMichaels

[marella]

Marella,

 

Can you change your phone number? I would if I were you.

 

Does this guy know where you live? If so, I would be very cautious and mindful of your surroundings.

 

Not to insult you since you spent the past three years with this guy, but he DOES NOT sound stable at all and I wouldn't put it past him to do whatever it takes to get to you.

 

With his anger and abuse issues I'd be very, very careful. It goes without saying you need to distance yourself in every sense of the word from this guy without delay.

 

Take care,

TMichaels

 

Well he lives 3600 miles away and in a different country. He works full-time and has children, so a surprise international visit is quite unlikely, unless I am doing the traveling (which I will not be doing at all).

 

I am planning on moving from here in the next six months (to a different province), so I doubt that any further visiting will take place. And he will not know where I live soon anyway. I could change my phone number, but I'm unwilling to at the moment.

 

Here's the thing, he's a college professor. I doubt he'll do something outrageous, especially if it involves a 20-hour travel day into a blizzard-prone, remote Canadian location.

 

But I will keep my eye peeled for escalating behaviour. I am sure I'll get some kind of warning before he would consider showing up at my door. (Like texting me constantly, phoning me, pleading emails etc...).

 

TMichaels, thanks so much for your sincere concern. No offense taken. We had some really good times together, too. We had a musical duo together. We had some nice trips and fun times with his friends and his kids. I minimized his outbursts because of all the great times we had together, but I'm seeing the light now.

 

Marella

[aerogurl87]

I'm happy you were firm and told him you wanted no more contact with him.

 

Although the part about him being "triggered" and just saying things sometimes, sounds just like my ex. His excuse was I'd say or do something and he'd blank out and say all these hurtful things without realising it. Later on he claimed to not remember doing these things as well and blamed it on his bipolar disorder. But I hope you can move on and find someone one day who can give you a healthy relationship and the life you deserve. A life with a partner who truly loves AND respects you.

[marella]

I'm happy you were firm and told him you wanted no more contact with him.

 

Although the part about him being "triggered" and just saying things sometimes, sounds just like my ex. His excuse was I'd say or do something and he'd blank out and say all these hurtful things without realising it. Later on he claimed to not remember doing these things as well and blamed it on his bipolar disorder. But I hope you can move on and find someone one day who can give you a healthy relationship and the life you deserve. A life with a partner who truly loves AND respects you.

 

Thanks, Aerogurl...

 

It's just what they want us to believe, isn't it? And in some ways it's fairly easy to believe because to accept the alternative...that the person you loved is doing this by CHOICE...is really hard. It's like we have to give up our hope that the good times will stick eventually if we can just be more easy-going, or to support them in some special way. None of it adds up though, over time. I had become more and more accommodating of things he specifically told me that he had a problem with. It didn't matter what I did or how agreeable I became. It STILL happened. I'm glad that I didn't give up all ties here and move there with the hope that we'd get engaged and married. I suspect he would have hit me next time.

 

I hope that you too have found a good relationship and peace in your life. I am no where near being able to date again right now... I have some serious healing and life repair to do.

 

-M

[aerogurl87]

It is hard to accept that the person you love and who claims to love you back, could willfully be so cruel to you. I know when my ex and I were together he used a concoction of guilt, manipulation, and apologies to keep me with him. Then even when he left me for someone else he turned it all back on me and somehow even that was my fault. But I digress, no matter how much you would've bent to make him happy, it never would've been enough. It would've always been "well you should do this or do that" and it would've continued and you would've been miserable. So focus on that if you start to miss him and want to contact him, so you don't fall back into the cycle.

 

And yes I've moved on to a much healthier and loving relationship. My boyfriend and I are actually planning to have me move to his country at the beginning of next month to start our lives together. So the same way I found someone better, I know you will too. Someone who will adore you for who you are, and not try to change you to fit their life.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

he does seem to have narcissistic/borderline personality disorder. i have experienced the same thing with my ex boyfriend of 2 years...and he's like your guy who gets angry about commitment issues.

 

that's the reason why he likes LDR, because he can keep you at arm's length and not so close to be so intimate. they fear intimacy and commitment but long them when they're gone. expect for more calls from him..so you need to totally stay NC

[marella]

Update.

 

So...He calls me back a couple of days later, wanting to talk. Telling me how he has made a mistake. Told me he wanted some time to really think about the marriage thing. So I gave him some time to reflect on it...(my mistake, I know). And he comes back, of course, with the same answer, except this time, he's crying telling me he wishes it could be different etc. How much he loves me. That we share so much and are best friends, but yet... he cannot marry me.

 

So, when I subsequently told him that I don't feel comfortable continuing to be his friend, the very same day, he puts his dating profile back online. And he has been online constantly since. (I need to stop looking!)

 

For someone who is supposedly so hurt about this breakup, doesn't the fact that he's back online looking for his ego fix/shoulder to cry on/sex partner SO SOON suggest that he was not sincere?

 

I know the answer to this question, of course. I'm just bitter and angry about it all.

 

I'm not NEAR ready to start dating again. We just ended a 3 year relationship and he's out trolling for a new girlfriend mere days after he realized he can't get his affection fix from me any longer? What kind of person does that? I already know the answer, but I could use a little support.

 

I know it's a blessing in disguise that he's already looking for his next blame target, but for those of us who have been through this kind of emotional roller coaster, it's not as cut and dried as it may appear. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like him. But it still hurts like hell.

 

M.