loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I'm still living with my ex-husband and our 2 kids and won't be moving out anytime soon.....we're getting along great and I'm working hard on my issues.... He's open to the possibility of reconciliation but thinks it's too early for it.... I'm having a hard time not to get my hopes up every time he smiles at me and everything is just like back when...... I was thinking about doing a 180 but can't imagine it being easy as we are still living together (I can't get my own apartment since I got debt)..... Do you guys have experience with it ??? How did it work out ??? Besides the point that I hope it makes him fall back in love with me, I'm hoping it will help me heal.... Any advice on that ??? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 The 180 works best when you both are living together. Its been posted many times here and is also on this website... http://www.divorcebusting.com/ and Mrs. Davis' book is a good read too. My standard word of warning though..... the 180 is not law, you have to mold and adapt it to your particular situation. The fact that he wanted you to stay is a good sign though. Keep posting TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 The 180 works best when you both are living together. Its been posted many times here and is also on this website... http://www.divorcebusting.com/ and Mrs. Davis' book is a good read too. My standard word of warning though..... the 180 is not law, you have to mold and adapt it to your particular situation. The fact that he wanted you to stay is a good sign though. Keep posting TOJAZ I have to go and read up on that then...only have seen the list on a message board so far, but not read anymore on it.... I am glad it's not a follow the list to a T thing.....cause I know I wouldn't be able to..... It's been really confusing because he was dead set on getting me an apartment and already had visitation schedule done.....then after I signed the papers everything changed....he changed.....from being pushy and cold to sad and emotional (we got really close right after I signed because we had to put down our dog)....maybe that showed him that he does still love me, but he's scared to commit because he's got burned before (horrible 1st marriage, she spent all his Army enlistment bonuses and more f'ed up ****) and the changes I'm making are still to young to be believed to be permanent by him..... it's so hard.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 It will get harder before it gets easier, but your in a great position.... hes listening to you and you both are still communicating. When my W decided to leave, it was all in a flash! The D was done as fast as legally possible and she hid anywhere she could until the deed was done. Your in a much more mature and manageable situation. Get reading! Look at that site and read some of the other threads here, get yourself ahead of the curve. While everyone has their own story, there are patterns at play. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 While everyone has their own story, there are patterns at play. What patterns do you see in my case ??? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 What patterns do you see in my case ??? Im desperately seeking a thread that has your whole story, much easier to keep the whole story in one place and let it run on for a million pages or so as things unfold. The pattern I see from what I've pieced together though, is the reasons he gave are rather trivial. (money issues and gaining a little weight) while both can mean a lot in a relationship and to certain people can end a marriage, neither just happens all of a sudden although you did say you tried to hide the money trouble from him. Still as I read on I fully expected to see another part of the equation (some questionable corespondence on his computer). Something that had to be handled together and carried emotional weight (the loss of your pet) brings you closer together and now he rides the fence. The pattern I see is the WAS having and acting two different sets of needs and not being able to act on them in a healthy manner. 1. Selfishness- lack of sex, poor financial situation and in his term "letting yourself go" all are easy tangible excuses (in his eyes) for wanting out of a marriage, hes able to detach and see this as business, sort of a breach of contract. very cold, very detached, and very easy for the WAS. 2. Emotional- thats what brought you back, with you out of the picture he feels free to chase his selfish wants but his emotional needs are now not going to be met. Then an emotional event crops up and it draws him back into the fold. Now there is confusion as he is torn between the two and he has to decide which weighs more and until he does, he rides the fence, trying to enjoy the best of both while commiting to neither and comfortable in the knowledge that he can have either as he chooses. keep that in mind and give the 180 another look and i think you'll see what its trying to accomplish with a little more insight. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 This is it.....it is veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery long, but not too hard to read..... Can you say roller coaster ?!?!?!?! 1) I've been married to my husband for nearly 11 years, we have 2 kids. I've never learned to handle money and did get into debt about 4 years ago. Before that, I've been living paycheck to paycheck. My husband makes about 3 times as much as me working in law enforcement and being retired from the Army. I never told him about my debt, because I was embarrassed. He pays all the bills (mortgage, utilities, car ins, health ins etc.) and I pay everything for the kids (daycare, clothing, toys etc.). Our relationship hasn't been the same since 2 months now, bickering, fighting, no sex or anything else. He's told me he's so mad at me because he's sick of the mess in the house (which I can't understand because according to my friends our house is far away from being messy), but then again, he's been in the Army and has a extreme sense of cleanliness. So I told him to let me know when he's not mad anymore, so we can make love again. Well he didn't say anything for 2 months. Then on Labor Day Sunday he told me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said he had seen a psychiatrist a couple of times now, since he feels stressed out lately and it turns out he's got a major depression. He's not happy in his life anymore, he hasn't been for years now and he doesn't love me anymore. He says he loves me as the mother of his children in his head, but in his heart there is just emptiness. I was floored. We talked a lot and it turns out he has several issues with me that made him fall out of love with me. He's asked me all through our relationship to go back to school and get a higher degree to get a better paying job. But I never did. I did a lot of research on it, but I never did go through with it. The mess in the house drove him nuts. My spending and not saving, him having to pay all the bills by himself frustrates him. And then the sex issue. When he's mad at me I don't want to sleep with him, but he thinks I don't love him anymore because of that. He said he has to take care of himself (his health and well being) now. He said he needs me to move out and already made a list of when the kids will be where. After all that I told him that I never thought that I've hurt him so much, that I never wanted to hurt him (he developed an ulcer and a kidney stone) and I've always loved him, still love him and always will. He started crying so hard, I've never seen him cry so bad. He was sobbing and that means a lot because he's a real tough guy. He asked me to not talk about it for a couple of days and we'll see where it goes. That night I was laying in bed with him and when I woke up he was cuddling up on me. We have a king size bed and we both sleep close to the edge on our side and he hasn't cuddled with me for over 2 months. Monday I left him alone and he cuddled up with me again. Just cuddling nothing else. On Tuesday I started talking about it again and he said he hasn't changed his mind. I said "Do you know that you've cuddled up with me the last 2 days in bed?" and he said, no and that he didn't do that. What the heck? Is it his heart playing tricks on him? Is there love left in his heart, but he just doesn't want to admit it? I had a long talk with a friend who is (I didn't know that) going through a similar situation at the moment and that helped me a lot. I've made my decision. I am trying my hardest to be civil with him, help him out as much as I can. We sat together and made a payment plan and with this I know I'll get rid of the debt in no time. I've got information from a friend about going to college and that is going to be the next thing I'll tackle. I started to think about my appearance too. He met me when I was 125 lbs and a fun girl to be with. Now I'm 190 lbs and don't take good care about myself anymore. Yes, I've had two kids, but I've always wanted to be a hot and desirable mommy and wife. Maybe that's part of his problem too? So I am going to start a workout program and the diet has already started (lost 6 lbs since Labor Day). I don't know if it will make a difference for him, make him change his mind, but I'm going to try anything I can to get him back! If you have any advice, any comment, it's greatly appreciated. Sorry for this huge post. PS. He's not always been this way. He's not a dictator, perfectionist yes, but not a dictator. All he's asking from me (except for the clean house) is validated in my eyes. These are things I've always wanted for myself too. I hate my job right now, it's super stressful, totally underpaid and unappreciated. I want to be able to afford things in life, I never wanted to struggle financially. It's not that my husband doesn't want to share his money with me, I don't want him to, because I know that I haven't learned (yet) how to handle money. I want to look and feel better - for myself! All the changes he's asked me to make for so long are things I desire too. I just couldn't get my butt up. Now I'm at the point I should've been years ago, but now I'm worried it's all too late. 2) My husband (11 years in March) has "surprised" me with divorce on Labor Day weekend. He said he has no love for me anymore, only resentment and anger.....he's fallen into a deep depression about this..... I've neglected a lot in the past or rather ignored his requests for me to change (dealing with money better, taking on a new career etc.)....I didn't do this purposely, I just had no clue how much it could affect our relationship.....he's a hard worker and saver and I'm a spender and live from paycheck to paycheck.... I wasn't aware it put such a big burden on him....I never had to deal with any bills... Anyway....the D-threat was a big wake-up call and I am working hard on changing my ways....for me mostly, but also to show him that I got it now.... He wants a civil divorce and us to stay friends....I want a reconciliation...... He said there is no way he would go to marriage counseling since it's over......he's very stubborn We sat together and made a plan how to pay my debt..... We're talking to each other...nice.... but not very many smiles or even laughs (at least not from his side) He seems burned out and tired....sign of his depression.... A couple of weeks ago we started having great sex again every night....with one problem....he doesn't finish....he says he can't, he doesn't know why....he just can't ..... Today I asked him to help me out with only one more payment toward my credit and then I will do it on my own (after all I got myself in this mess, I need to get myself out of it by myself...well mostly) , but he said he will pay it off, so he knows it's done and I can start saving... All this with a little angry undertone....the same tone he told me about the divorce and the resentment he feels for me..... I am working hard on myself and had hopes that he would reconsider....after all we have 2 wonderful kids together and we both don't want to hurt them..... When he holds me at night after sex it's so loving.....he hasn't held me anymore after sex in years....now he does..... What would you suggest I do next ??? I will continue to work on myself no matter what, but do you have any suggestions on how to deal with my husband (especially you guys out there).....I do love him more than life itself and I want to be with him and no-one else..... I'm sure he still loves me, but he's hurt and angry and as stated very stubborn.... 3) His therapist has told him to not be fooled....he said pretty much that I won't ever change..... Just because my husband told him that he's been asking me to change those things through the years and I haven't done anything about it..... But this time it's different....I've realized what I've actually done to my beloved husband...... I've realized how much of a burden I put on him and it makes me mad now to think about all the money I've spent on my job (buying toys, books and stuff for my class) where I should have saved it.... I'm upset that I could have a well paid job if I just would've taken classes when he was still in the Army....and they would've been paid for.... My life could be so much better now, but I've screwed it up to the point where I might lose the love of my life ...... I believe that any other man would possibly give us another chance seeing the changes I've made and am making, but I'm afraid my husband is thinking: I've gone this far I can't turn back even though I would love to reconcile.... Do you know what I mean ?!?! He's not a man to admit if he's wrong and..........I just don't know what will be..... 4) Husband and I had such a "good" day today.... I came home early from work and we were talking and smiling and even laughing a little.... He took me and the kids to go see a crazy decorated Halloween house in the neighborhood.... Then he sat in his office to play the computer and when I walked in asking him something he quickly hid his cell under the desk.... I asked who he was texting (in a nice tone) and he said "I'm not!" and when I asked why he's hiding his phone then he again said "I'm not!".... I just shook my head and left to water the flowers outside and when I came back in I asked him which doctor he went to today and he said "the doctor I shouldn't talk to you about!"... I didn't understand what he meant and I said "The shrink ??" and he said "Yes, about the issues I have that I shouldn't tell you about!"..... So weird.... Then he said "And just so you know....I'm supposed to text him whenever I have feelings or emotions and why I have them....so there you have it!" I really can't imagine him cheating.....he's always been faithful and but then again....I never thought he would propose divorce either..... I don't know what to believe anymore..... 5) Last night I was about to go to bed when I saw him sitting on the couch downstairs texting (turns out it was just the tv remote ).... I sat down and said we need to talk !!! I told him that I need to know if he's cheating.... He looked me in the eyes and replied with a honest to God "No.".... We then started talking....calmly.....about what his plans are, what the deal with us having sex was....about everything that went wrong..... He is indeed texting, or better emailing his therapist and he's got some major issues going on that could be bad for a cop..... He still wants the divorce, since he sorta fell out of love with me...he said he questioned himself if he'd be upset if he caught me cheating and he had to admit that he wouldn't ..... We've talked about how to go about the divorce and what I am entitled to and we do agree on all of it.... My friends think I'm dumb and I should just take him for all he's got, but I am not going to, because he has worked hard for his money (always in the line of fire) and he deserves every penny.... Besides....I want to prove myself (and him) that I can make it on my own.....until I truly can he's vowed to help me out as much as he can.... I'm heartbroken but I have to admit that it was mainly my fault our marriage failed.....I got too comfortable and let myself and my dreams and goals go..... We are going to remain (best) friends and are going to work together for the kids..... Before I went to bed I said "If you ever need hugs, I'll give them to you" and he liked that.... Once we were in bed I started crying again and he held me close and I said "Well, if you ever feel better and feel like you want to try again...." and he finished ".....then I'll know where to find you !!!"..... We fell asleep cuddling and today was a very good day for us....like the tension has been lifted.... We're going to be ok.....even if we're not together !!!!!! But I do still hope and pray for a reconciliation once he's feeling better and is well again.... I won't stop living but I never give up hope !!!!! He's after all....the love of my life !!!!! 6) I confronted him about a possible affair but he denies it and I believe him....we've talked about it looooooooong and hard.... He knows that he could get out of this marriage a lot easier if he had an affair, because I wouldn't be fighting to save our marriage.... He also knows that I wouldn't take him for everything he's got, because he's worked hard for his money and I haven't contributed much to it .......ok, I had our kids and provide clothes and such for them, but he is paying mortgage, electricity, health insurance....everything else....so there's no need to play nice.... As I said we haven't been cuddling in bed for nearly 10 years...(married almost 11) and now it's happening every night (when he's not working).....it started right after the D-announcement (where he still denied doing it though) and then he caught himself doing it one morning when the alarm went off.... Since then we cuddle every time, not just before and right after sex, but he rolls over to hold me in the middle of the night too....we both used to sleep on our own side of our king size bed and now we're cuddled up in the middle..... 7) Alright....after finding the divorce decree on his desk today and totally falling apart....I guess I did get my hopes up for reconciliation after how awesome it went between us the last couple of weeks.....I have taken a deep breath and will wait to talk to him..... One thing I want to know from you guys though.... Do you have any idea why he could be doing what he's doing.... The concern for me after a minor operation I just had done.....I said for him I would be back at a certain time and he wanted to know how I'd get home....I said I'll drive and he was all arguing with me about driving me.....and then he was mad because I said don't worry about me.... The constant cuddling at all through the night, even if we had sex before.... Last night I woke up to him holding me in his arms and then kissing my neck about 20 times like "I love you so much!!!" (like you sometimes kiss your kids' cheeks) not the "I want sex" kinda kisses......then he held me close again and fell asleep..... He knows I won't give him trouble with the divorce....I may have been a horrible wife, but I'm not a money hungry bit**.....and he knows that full well !!!!!! He does not have to play nice to get the divorce or me to agree to the terms.....he knows that !!!!! Does a man who supposedly doesn't love me anymore act like this....do these kinda things ??? He's such a great guy....he's spent thousands of $$ on his iraqi friend and family he met while serving in the Army..... He's never been selfish about anything... 8) [COLOR=Magenta]I've been married to him for 10 (almost 11) years and I've always been not good with money.....in the last few years though I've made debt and am struggling to pay it off since I make only little money in my job as a preschool teacher..... Because of that I haven't contributed any to bills and other big expenses and that was bothering him since he's been working hard in a dangerous job....Army soldier for 24 years and now a police officer..... He's asked me to get a different degree to get a better job for years, but my insecurity about being able to do it (English is not my first language) kept pushing the issue away....he even offered to pay for it.... And I guess now the stress from the job and the pressure that came with the big house (mortgage and renovations) pushed him to his decision ....cause he sees that he will have to provide by himself for the rest of our lives..... I realized I've done wrong and I'm changing but I think it's too late 9) [/COLOR][COLOR=Black][COLOR=Black][COLOR=Magenta][COLOR=Black]Last night he asked me about the mandatory parenting class and I broke down.... I told him what I thought of the divorce and everything that's going on.... At first he tried to fight me and tell me things like "Now you are making changes in no time where I've been begging you for nearly 10 years and just because I threatened you with divorce !!!"....and "You are making these changes for the wrong reasons (trying to get him back) !!!"..... After I told him that he's not listening and repeating myself again, he finally laid there quietly and listened without getting offensive.... I again told him how much I appreciate him and that I always have (just failed to voice it enough) and that I think he's the most wonderful person I've ever met even though he's breaking my heart !!!!! I ended it with "All I wanted is a second chance to prove to you that this time it's for real....I woke up....I understand now what you were trying to do all these years.....I will become the person I always wanted to be.....with or without you !!!! All I wanted was a second chance !!!!! " Then I went to sleep....and he did too.... Today I had a lot of time to think at work and I came to the decision to set him free .... He thinks he can only get well without me and so be it.... I can't force him to be happy with me ..... I haven't told him yet, but I think I will write him a letter this weekend..... He picked up the little one from school early today and was kinda weird (distant/shy) toward me....(The little one goes to the same daycare I work at, so I saw him pick him up).... When I got home tonight him and the boys had already eaten dinner (he didn't know what time I was going to be home because of my crazy schedule right now).... As I walked in he went to the oven and got my plate with food out and went to get me a soda ...... He never does that for me....he just says "Dinner is in the microwave"..... These actions make it so much harder for me.....but I've made my decision....I'm done.....I can't live with this pain in my heart anymore !!!!! I'm done !!!!!! 10) [/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]On Wednesday I've found a folder in the truck with the note "Please get this notarized"..... It was the Waiver of Service (acknowledgment that I've received the petition of divorce)..... I went right back inside and asked him "So this is it ??? No second chance ???".... He said in a calm voice "It's just the waiver....".... I said again "What does that mean ??? Do I get a second chance or not ???"....he answered "Maybe.....maybe not....please get it signed....it's just the waiver so you don't get served at work"..... My stomach was a big, huge freakin knot..... I didn't get it signed yet so yesterday I had a note on the board "Please put the notarized paper on my desk"..... I was wondering why he was in such a hurry and googled time lines for those waivers, but wasn't too successful...some said there is one and some said there isn't any..... I asked him this morning why he's in such a hurry about it and he said, because there is a time line....now I don't know his lawyer told him this or what, but I said "Fine".... I just got it notarized and gave it to him, so now he's one step further towards his original goal..... I'm thinking he's not 100% decided on divorce yet, because if he was, he wouldn't have said "Maybe" when I asked him for a second chance...he would've said "I don't want to talk about this now !!!"..... But being in limbo sucks big time !!!!!!! I know I said I was letting him go, but it's so hard when you get along so well and you realize the end might be near .... I guess it's up to him now.....I hope he'll at least put it on hold for a while...... 11) I've just received another part of the divorce decree to sign from my husband and messaged back and forth with him about it...... (see going through divorce forum) We've been getting along great lately and I was hopeful for a reconciliation..... Anyway.....I've tried to call him before messaging and it said his mailbox was full In 11 years that has never happend..... Everything was ok between us until he (out of the blue) asked for a divorce on Labor Day weekend..... Since then I noticed.....buying new clothes.....hiding the cell phone under desk when I walk in (I'm texting my therapist ).....changing all passwords......took me off his facebook.....facebooking every time I glance at his computer..... All speaks affair.....maybe not physical (don't know when he'd have the time to do so, really) .....but I'm thinking at least an emotional one..... I can't get the phone records (have no access to it anymore).....I can't hire a PI.....I can't keylogger his computer...... I have no way of finding out other than him telling me.....but he's denying it every time I bring it up..... Now that I'm sure he's going through with the divorce how can I get him to tell me the truth ??? [COLOR=Red]I need to know[/COLOR] !!!!!!!! 12) After I've found the paper to sign on the counter I messaged him: [COLOR=Magenta]Am I signing a divorce with this? [/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]As is with all the other papers that are a part of it and the seminar that you attended.[/COLOR] [COLOR=Magenta]So yes? You know one doesn't have to go through with a divorce just because the process has been started.[/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]I already know that. And just because the papers are signed doesn't mean they will be turned in and it also doesn't mean that the judge will accept it.[/COLOR] [COLOR=Magenta]I have no choice! I know I can't prove to you that the changes I'm making are permanent in just 2 months. That's why I was hoping for more time![/COLOR] [COLOR=Blue]But we have already discussed this numerous times. Either you sign it as you said, or you don't. Pretty simple.[/COLOR] What is this BS about [COLOR=Blue]"Just because the papers are signed doesn't mean they will be turned in......"[/COLOR] He tells me it's official there will be no second chance and then he throws me a "maybe" yet again and thinks he can calm me down with it ?!?!?! WTF ????????????? 13) As I wrote earlier....he presented me another piece of paper towards the divorce.....we've had a texting marathon going on after where he said (pretty much) this is it we're divorcing for sure and then 5 seconds later says that signing that paper doesn't mean that it will be turned in Anyway....when he was sleeping this morning (after night shift) my oldest (9) asked me what we're going to do today....I said that maybe the boys and daddy can go and watch Megamind tonight.....and I was going to stay home and clean the house (since this was one of the issues husband had with me).... When I asked my husband if he'd take the boys to the movies he said "You're not coming ???".....I was confused and said "No....I have to clean the house !!"......he said puzzled "There's nothing wrong with the house."..... We've never taken the boys to the movies together....mostly because of his working hours.....lately because of our marriage troubles.... I'm confused and anxious because I feel like I've just made a mistake by not going..... Could he have tried to make a step towards me and I just totally screwed up ??? 14) Yesterday I felt a little (very) emotional.....I was going to write him a last letter about what I love about him, what I'm sorry for and that I will always love him and such...... I came home and they were already eating dinner..... It wasn't anything I like (Hamburger Helper ) and so I went upstairs and turned on the computer..... He asked me "Aren't you going to eat dinner ?" I said "No, I'm not feeling good" and started to bawl ..... He just shook his head and left.... It was my Gym night but I felt to emotional so I wasn't going to go.... But I changed my mind because I thought he would just think 'see another thing she started and doesn't stick with'.....I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.... So after we put the kids in bed I just left....no saying good bye..... I was back home after 11 pm and he was just going to bed.... I got the boys shoes out of our bedroom, and when closing the door I said "Have a good night".....he looked puzzled and said "Aren't you coming to bed ???".....I said "No"...."Are you going to stay up ???"....."Yep, for a little bit" I said and got onto the computer.... About 1/2 hour later he came out and looked at me again puzzled "You know it's almost midnight ?!?!"....."I know."......I wanted to laugh..... He went back to bed after getting a drink of water and just stared at me kinda funny.... I went to bed at 1 am and he was laying all the way over on his side, but I didn't care today..... When the alarm woke me this morning he had his feet entangled with mine and his hand on my belly.....he didn't move it when the alarm rang and I had to pull away from his touch..... I kept cool when I just got home (lunch break)....very casual/civil.... I think I'm going to do a version of the 180......because I came to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose.....since he's got his mind set on divorce.... I kind of enjoyed his reaction last night though !!!!!! 15) Well....if you're really bored....go read my posts .....you'll see that you must be off, because he's got the divorce decree on his desk....his part signed already..... I wish he was still just unsure, but I think he's only playing nice with me to get what he wants without me turning around and taking his last shirt..... A lot of people I know say he's an a**hole and not worth it.....my boss even just said that.... But I have to say he's not....he's not the person I've married 50% of the time....when we're talking about the divorce he's so cold and unfair that I keep thinking "Who the hell is this man ???"......but when we're talking about the kids and stuff and he looks into my eyes and smiles I see the love in it....I really do..... And that's why it kills me.... He said to me "I have let emotions cloud my judgment for too many years." He's such a rational person....I know he still loves me but he thinks it's better for him to just end this.....he thinks he doesn't have to worry about the bills anymore then etc. The funny thing is....I only forgot to pay 2 of our bills twice in 10 years.....otherwise he's taking care of the bills.... I'm going to start college to get a better job in the future and be able to contribute to the bills (his big complaint)......but apparently it doesn't matter to him anymore now.... I have the feeling there is an EA going on.....how fast he's decided he's done....how fast he filed for divorce....how he changed all the passwords.....how he kicked me off of facebook.....how he's carrying his phone with him at all times....the texting (which I can't see him do anymore but who knows)......the cell-mailbox that is full (never ever was full because nobody ever called him)...... If that doesn't scream affair.....then I don't know..... 16) Damn, I'm shaking !!!!! My youngest (3) got to play tanks on the computer while my husband got ready for work (shower)..... He came up here and said he messed up daddy's computer.... So I asked my husband whether I should take a look or not, but he said "Don't worry about it, I'll fix it later".... Well, I checked anyway..... I closed the file he had opened and clicked on the recycle bin.....just a hunch.... And sure enough....pictures of a woman in the shower....b**bs, belly and face....not professional pics....pics someone you'd meet online would send you.... I tried to copy them to my stick but it wouldn't work.....I printed them and took pictures of the screen..... What do I do now ????? I'm shaking so bad..... He asked for a friendly divorce and I was going to be ok with it, even though I don't want to divorce at all.....I still love him, but I hate him right now.....I know it doesn't make sense, but.... But that would all make sense now.....why he wants to divorce so quickly.... He went to a family reunion with his brother in July called me every day and said how much he missed me and loved me....talked about how we're going to have a summer vacation spot in MI soon.....then Labor Day weekend he asked for a divorce.....2 or 3 weeks later he already filed the paperwork.....stringing me along since then....still having sex.....giving me mixed messages.....please sign this paper (towards divorce) and in the next breath "doesn't mean that it will get turned in"............ 17) Well, it was last Friday when I told my husband that I knew about his half naked EA ******.....that I found her pics on his computer.... After a pretty snooty "Nothing with me in it" I went ahead and wrote him my Good-bye letter......and now he's been weirdly depressed and sad looking since Sunday.... Monday was his birthday and I gave him the signed divorce papers with his cake..... Ever since he's in this weird mood....trying to be really nice and sweet (bought 2 cans of tomato soup because "I know you like it" ) and when I didn't react with "Oh, that's so sweet of you" but a "Please, don't buy anything for me anymore !".....he goes back to depressed.... Oh, and I almost forgot....he's come back to trying to cuddle with me at night, but I pulled away.....hell no !!!!! No more !!!!!! Today I got off work at 5 pm and didn't go home but straight to the gym and then a movie.... When I came home the boys were still up and my husband looked really shi**y..... I asked what's wrong and he said "Nothing." I said "You're freaking me out, what's wrong ???" (his mom is really sick that's why I asked).....and he just said "Nothing, I just got a headache".... Well, it turns out the boys have been fighting when I was gone, so I asked my oldest what daddy was doing when they were fighting....he said "Playing his computer game". Yeah right, probably sexting away with his online skank and they were interupting..... Anyway.....he's got his divorce papers, so why is he acting the way he is ??? Shouldn't he be shouting it from the rooftops and be dancing in the streets ??? Sorry, I am not getting up hopes or anything....no....I'm actually getting really pi**ed about that, because he wanted this so badly and now he's trying to make me feel bad, or what ??? 18) This morning when the alarm went off he scooted over to cuddle, but as soon as his body touched mine I got up quickly.....no more of that..... One thing I have to stop doing is make remarks.... He wanted to go to the store with the little one and the boys were being goofy and wouldn't listen....after a while I asked the oldest "What is daddy doing, I thought he wanted to go to the store"....."He's at the computer.".....so I went downstairs and said "What are you doing, do you have to tell her you'll meet her at the store ?!?!"...... I know I have to be above that, but it's just sooooooooooooo hard, when you're so angry !!!!!! I'll be better though.....I already apologized and said "I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business anymore.".... 19) Update.... On Thursday night, when he was just leaving for work I asked him for something and he responded with "Yes, Ma'am !!"..... I was snapping back "So this is all I am for you now, a Ma'am ?!?!"... He apologized profusely (and he sounded sincere) but I was just mad.....in my opinion you call someone that who you don't know very well and you want to be respectful.... Well....as we all know by now....he's been married to me for almost 11 years and he has no respect for me....so what the hell..... Anyway....Last night he texted me saying to tell the boys he loves them and give them kisses.... He never does that and it started worrying me, so I asked whether he's planning on not coming home in the morning (he's a police officer on night shift).....and that on Christmas..... He responded that he will be home, he just wanted them to know that he loves them very much......so sensitive ????......that's not my husband at all !!!.....is the Christmas spirit getting to him, or even remorse for what he's doing to the family ??? A little while later he sent a picture of a crash he's been attending to saying this is what I'm doing right now..... In the morning he came to bed and tried to get close, but I moved all the way to the end.....some time later he tried to hold me and cuddle (or more) and I pulled away propping pillows and blankets around me.....I want none of that anymore !!!!!!! After he got up he played with the boys and was in a pleasant mood..... As he was getting ready for work my parents called and wanted to talk to him (they don't know about our situation...they're in Germany and my mom had cancer and is in a weak state so we agreed to not upset her with this as they absolutely love my husband)...... He got a little choked up as he answered them with "Yes, mom....yes, dad"...... I guess it got to him quite a bit....because he was in a seemingly depressed mood..... 20) More odd behavior.... At lunch today I said how badly I wanted a Chili's Classic Bacon Burger..... Sure enough Chili's was closed.... He just now texted me from work saying "Looks like Sonic is open, if you're still hungry." He actually thought of me..... .....and now he texted me "Dinner tomorrow at Red Lobster or Chilis." 21) This morning after work he came to bed and tried to find my feet with his....but I had them tucked in the blankets.... Then a couple of hours later he started caressing me and trying to hold me.....I kinda wanted to let him do it, but then I thought of his betrayal (even if it was just an EA) and got up..... He's still sleeping now and I am wrecking my brain as to what to say to him if he's trying it again tonight..... I would love nothing more than for him to regret the divorce and try to reconcile, but how do I know that this is what is going on..... 22) Here's an update..... Sunday evening we went to eat at Chili's and had an awesome time, we laughed and I got a couple of deep looks from him .... after that we went to the Christmas House to check out their light show.....again, a lot of laughing and just-like-it-used-to-bes.... That night I caught him crying in the shower because we're going to have to put our dog down ... I hugged him and we were both sobbing and holding on to each other tight.... After a while we went to bed and just held each other crying away there for about an hour.....he kissed me hair and my cheek, caressed me and eventually we were kissing....for the first time in months....really passionate kiss.... Eventually it lead to sex..... I know it's totally against what I was wanting to do (180), but we were both so vulnerable.... After that I was going to go to sleep on my side of the bed, but he pulled me in his arms and we fell asleep like this... Monday was pretty much the same ....a lot of crying and closeness.... Tuesday he's had to get her be put down and we were holding each other in bed....no sex..... Last night when we were laying in bed he was searching for my hand and just held it....after a while we went to sleep holding each other.... We are getting along better than ever.... We are closer than ever !!!!!! It's confusing and sad that I had to sign the divorce papers before....well.....I don't even know what....before he regrets it....before our relationship recovered ????..... I don't know what's happening...... 23) The boys and I went to the movies today and to the store while he was sleeping and went back to work and when we came home I found a note on the counter about feeding our puppy and "Be safe if you are going anywhere tonight. Lots of drunks"...... Another sign he does care (at least a little)..... I wish he would've realized it before the sh*t hit the fan...... Sad thing....January 12th is my birthday and I keep having these dreams where he's giving me the torn up divorce papers as a present .....but unfortunately I know that's not going to happen 24) Sent (ex-)husband a text wishing him all the best in 2011.... He sent back "As I truly and honestly wish you happiness and prosperity."[COLOR=Magenta] I responded to it with "Happiness never again" without him I mean.... He responded with "Why not, happiness comes in many forms....".... [/COLOR] 25) After telling him that I know about his affair, I gave him a "Good-bye letter"....telling him what I loved about him and what I'm sorry for...and that he's free now.... I am simply broken....I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and was starting to be unfair to my beloved children....I had to end this !!!!!! The two days after the letter we didn't talk, and he seemed very sad and depressed..... So yesterday on his birthday I got him his favorite Greek food, his favorite cake and the signed divorce papers "Happy Birthday !!"..... He didn't say a word....just looked at me....I turned around and cried hysterically in the bathroom....making sure he didn't see or hear me.... We're still sleeping in the same bed and haven't had sex or cuddling in about a week....he slept on the very edge of his side every night.... Last night then....he kept sleeping in the very middle and tried to put his arm around me several times.....I pulled away..... It makes me mad knowing that he does still have love for me but is letting his brain decide what the best decision is for him (and him only) and not his heart..... 26) He's always been a great, reliable, never do anything to harm anyone kind of person....he's a police officer after all.....but those 4-5 months when he was putting me through all this, I don't know who the hell he was ?!?! He's back to being the man he used to be....before.....for 10 years.....maybe even better now, because things are better between us....relationship wise....if you can call this a relationship at all.... If he was going to give us a last chance things would be great....better than ever.... I don't know if I can trust him anymore....I want to because he's his old self again, but the last 4-5 months marked me.....I've been deeply hurt....cheated and played..... Can I trust it was just a time of temporary insanity on his part ??? Can I trust that he is back ??? I want to tell myself "Don't !!!!!!".....it's like deep inside I'm still waiting for the big bang....since this whole thing was/is so unreal.... From painting a love note on a mountain in Afghanistan to talking about maybe 3 or 4 kids to "I've been unhappy in our marriage for at least 7 years" to divorce..... 27) Last night he told me he was going to try to get different work hours.... He works nights (Thu, Fri, Sat and every other Sun....which would be the days I have the kids once I'm moved out one day)......and now he's trying to get to work days (Mon-Wed and every other Sun)..... I said "Why, so you can go out partying on Saturday nights ??"....he said "I'm not partying (he never was a party goer)!!! I want to be able to spend more time with the kids and for you to have more time to do school work...". I also asked him if he got his mole on his head checked out yet, since it just appeared and his dad has skin cancer.... He said no, he will go maybe next week.... I said "I don't care what you say, but I love you and I don't want you to put this up until it's too late !!!!".....he just said "Yes, dear !!!"......which he used to call me when everything was good in our marriage..... These little things are killing me..... .....and the holding me at night (without trying to have sex !!!)....the smiles (so warm and loving).....the looks (deep and meaningful).....and.....and.....and..... He just tried to feed me some candy he was eating and.....arrggghhh....it was just like in old times....flirty fun..... I wanna cry !!!!!!! No word on the final divorce papers yet....no word on an apartment yet (he said he will pay my rent)......we haven't even told the kids yet.....but all this odd behavior of his..... Where is the scream smiley ????? 28) .....yesterday was quite eventful.... I decided to go to the courthouse next week to find out the status of the divorce papers.... My (ex)husband went to get the mail yesterday and I saw him coming in with a big envelope.... He was trying to hide it when I asked what mail there was and so I just pulled it out of his hand... He said "Don't open it yet !!!" I said "What is it ???" he said "It is what you think it is " (the finalization of the divorce).... I said "Well, you can be happy now"....and he said "Do I look happy ??? "..... I went upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom balling.... After a couple of minutes there was a knock on the door and he asked me to please come out.... I did and followed him into the bedroom.... He wrapped his arms around me and said "I didn't want you to see it and open it until after your birthday (the 12th)....and then I wanted to talk to you about it" I just fell apart crying saying "What is there to talk about, it's over, we're over !!!!" and he said "Only if you want it to be !!!".... I was confused.... He said "You know what I think about marriage....it's just a piece of paper....it doesn't mean anything..." Then he said "I love you !!!!!!" He pretty much went on to say that he went the way he did (divorce) because he's tried so hard over the years to wake me up, to become the person he knew I had in me...successful, beautiful, strong...and I just ignored it.... He said that even though we're divorced on paper he still loves me and he wants to make it work between us.... He is still hesitant though because I've only just started to make changes the last couple of months and he is worried I will go back to my old ways (give up on things, get lazy etc).....I totally understand that... So all in all....we're officially divorced, but he is definitely trying to reconcile.... The ball now is pretty much in my court and I'm planning on playing a bad a** game !!!!!!!! I love this man more than anyone else and I will take this second chance I got.... I still freak out a little (inside) when he appears to be in a weird mood...like today when he was just tired because the baby kept interrupting his sleep....but I'm sure it will be better with time.... I probably forgot to mention a whole lot, so if you want to know something....ask... I'm sad, we're actually divorced, but I'm glad I still got a second chance with him....if that makes sense.... 29) I wanted to respond to all of you, although I don't have the time to individually post.... My ex-husband and I had 2 more talks after Saturday and one was actually quite interesting.... The EA was not an EA..... The woman was a former friend of his (they had sex a couple of times when he was a teenager) and they weren't in contact until he got his FB account...she found him and contacted him.... Anyway.....he finally showed me the texts he had with her and there weren't that many after all (and no....he didn't delete any because he knew I couldn't get into his phone anyway).... He confided to her about our marriage issues and she gave him advice not the advice I was hoping for.....anyway....one message, shortly before I signed and gave him the papers, contained those half nude pics and "Maybe that'll cheer you up a bit"..... Very classy woman !!!!!....but this is as far as this "EA" went .... Also.....I've been handling the bills when he was in Iraq for 14 1/2 months and have to admit screwed it up quite a bit....so I didn't just get into debt myself (and that not little ) but I also endangered his credit history..... I was ashamed of me not being good with finances and getting deeper and deeper into the sh** so I hid my debt from him until it was quite big..... Anyway....he told me too that he thinks it's better not to have sex because obviously it's giving me false hopes.... He does not have much of an opportunity to go out partying and f***ing other women as he is always taking care of our sons if he's not working.... For many men it is true that they are scum sucking pigs, but my ex-husband is not one of them...... Yes, it was not right to string me along those past 5 months, but it's over with.... One thing I took out of those last couple of talks is that I can't count on him "falling back in love" with me again..... I am concentrating on myself now (and the kids, but that's a given)....I'm trying to do good in college, then get an awesome job with at least twice the money I'm making now....I've already lost about 20 some lbs and am going for more to look hot again by October (dad's 70th birthday party) and I'm already doing things I really enjoy (movies, swimming, library)..... I'm getting along well with him and who knows, maybe after weeks or months or even years, he will realize he does want me......and maybe I will still want him.....or maybe not.... I love him, but I won't wait forever..... 30) When going through the divorce my ex-husband said to me "I asked myself the question, if I would find you in bed with another man, would that bother me ??? And I had to answer NO !!!".....he said he doesn't love me anymore (only as the mother of our children)..... After a crazy roller coaster ride (holding at night and sex but still pushing to get divorced) I signed the divorce papers.....weirdly enough were getting along well after this.... The final papers arrived 4 days before my birthday and we had a heartfelt talk because up to that day I was hoping he had stopped the divorce..... Anyway....he held me and said he was sorry that I got the papers before my birthday (he wanted to hide them so it wouldn't ruin my b-day ), he told me "I love you" heartfelt and sincere....and I yelled "Then why did you go through with it ???? "....he said he had to to wake me up, marriage is just a piece of paper blah, blah, blah..... He also said he asked himself the same question again (the one with finding me in bed with someone else) and I expected again that it wouldn't bother him, but his answer was "I can't let that worry me right now !!!!" Change of heart ???? He told me he doesn't know what the future holds but he's open for reconciliation in the future......he even said "If we remarry everything in the divorce decree is null and void"......and "I'm not sure but I think after 6 months living together we'd be common law married anyway"......(it's not the case in our state but WTF ) He told me before the divorce was final he is going to pay for my apartment until I'm on my feet (debt).....now he wants me to stay living in his house He does not want the kids to know..... He is real sweet and as I said we're getting along great, except my little remarks about "other girls" annoy him ..... We don't kiss, hold each other (except at night sometimes) or say I love you though..... He's changed his work hours from weekend nights to week nights starting march "so I can spend more time with the kids and you have more time to do your college work"..... I don't know how to take all this ???? Could he have a change of heart....if so why doesn't he show it to me....he knows that I would give him a chance in a heartbeat ?!?!?!?! What's with the "I can't let that worry me right now" comment.....would it bother him now ???? I've changed a lot the last couple of months.....I've started college, I'm working out, got slightly better at saving money and paying off debt...... Can someone explain this behavior for me ??? Because this arrangement right now is only benefiting me .... him.... not so much !!!!! 31) My ex-husband has never beat me, physically or emotionally abused me, and never (at least not physical) cheated on me..... He has depression, PTSD (Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and being a police officer) and is a guy who values financial security (maybe a little too) highly..... He's come to a point in life (midlife crisis) that triggered him to re-evaluate his life and he couldn't see himself being happy going on the way we were..... Have you guys never made a decision based on emotions that you later regretted ???? He's learned in the Army that when you make a decision you follow through, even if it was not a good choice....you deal with the consequences.... He made the choice to divorce me thinking it was the best for him.... But after I showed him my changes he realized that his decision might have not been the best after all.....but now it was too late..... How many people have reconciled even after the divorce because they realized they've made a mistake..... Why could it not be the same for him ???? What makes him the a**hole ???? Who's to say that he didn't have a change of heart and is just a little apprehensive because he's the one who made the mistake and is too afraid to admit it and rather waiting for me to make the steps toward reconciliation (whereas I'm waiting for him to tell me he wants to try again)....... It makes me angry that everyone says he's a selfish jerk etc....... He's always treated me fair and put up with all my flaws.....and I have lots of them and am working on them now.....he was always loving and dedicated to our marriage for 10 years !!!!!! I am making changes that I for myself should have done years ago.....he didn't want me to change something that I didn't want to change myself......he's not trying to make me into something I'm not.... And no....he barely has flaws....petty ones....like leaving the toilet seat up and socks on the floor, and bottling up problems instead of talking about it.....but that's it..... 32) He has been this great guy for 10 years !!!!! He's got tons of friends who would catch a bullet for him, especially his 3 iraqi friends (brothers) who he risked his life for and spend lots of time and money to get them and their family out of the Baghdad hell..... Some film students have made a small movie about him which will be shown in Cannes some time (don't know when yet)..... He's an honorable person who is fighting his own personal war right now (or at least since shortly before Labor Day)...... He hasn't been himself at all during that time and he's still not quite back to normal..... I know you guys haven't called him names, but it is so frustrating to see that (repeated) cheating, beating spouses are being given the benefit of the doubt and maybe they will come around, but 95% of the answers that I get are about what an awful person he is and that makes me sad.... I wish he wouldn't have done what he has and I resent him for that, but I know the person he used to be and that is coming to surface now.....and you would all like him.....I'm sure.... I don't want to hope but it's terribly hard having him around me and being the way he is....fun and sweet..... I am thinking....what if he realized he's made a mistake by finalizing it....what if he's too ashamed to make the steps towards reconciliation ??? And one more thing I've written in my other post.....I don't do anything for him ever since my college started.....I practically come home from work, eat, do homework, play with the kids and sleep..... He's doing all the housework, taking care of the kids, paying all the bills....and we don't have sex anymore.... So he is not gaining anything.....I'm not playing maid.....I'm not playing babysitter....I'm not playing lover..... Why is he doing it then ???? 33) What I don't understand is....why did he say (so sincere) "I LOVE YOU" (when the divorce was finalized) when before he said he doesn't love me anymore..... I gave him the divorce and still remained friendly and nice.....why spark new hope in me when it's technically over ??? What for ???? He didn't have anything to fear anymore....it was a done deal and he didn't have to "play nice" to get what he wants (quick and friendly divorce).... Do you know what I mean ???? Somewhere somebody wrote that it takes people around 6 or more months to accept changes in their partner and to believe they are permanent.....it's not been 6 months quite yet..... So this is the most of it....sorry but you asked for it Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Loveforever, I told you i'd get back to you eventually. Right I have just read it all and I am concerned for you and could not give a monkeys about him, but I will talk about him in a bit but you first. I am not convinced by this whole blame culture you are ladening on yourself. Firstly I do not understand all the ado about your job, what is so wrong with your job as a preschool teacher? You are a mother, which has taken up a large part of your life; while he worked away, you held the family together and cared for the children. You did not mention this and you give yourself no credit here at all which is ludricious. I am pretty appalled that he also piled on the pressure considering this fact too. Which brings me onto the weight issue. As women we fluctuate in weight during our lives; I am only 30 currently weigh 137lbs but have weighed up to 170lbs depending on my mental state etc. Did you know that stress is one of the biggest factors to weigh gain because not only do you comfort eat, but your body stores fat because of the adrenaline released - it is a nature thing because if you are permanently in flight mode (ie fight/flight syndrome) the body thinks it will not have time to stop and eat. I suspect because you are running a household and children you also struggle to find the time to exercise and it is an easy cycle to get into, but not something you deserve to beat yourself up over. So your husband is an inconsiderate pig again for not considering how busy you or the stresses you are under. The one thing you can and do take responsibility for is your debt and this is obviously a weakness in your life and I can empathise with your husband to some degree if he is working hard. But to counterbalance he should therefore take full responsibility for the finances knowing that this is an area he is simply the strongest in out of the two of you? Overall his attitude and attempts at what he considers 'motivating' you are bully tactics and he has completely belittled your self confidence over the years and I suspect he has deliberately moulded you into his little wifey. You've become a bit of a doormat he is sure he can wipe his feet on, you're someone he's certain would never have left him - now blaming you for any unhappiness in the marriage. A very selfish man from what I have read and I read a lot!!! During the divorce gate he yet again played you like a fiddle, to the point where you can't seem to see the truth that he would have been having a full blown affair - people don't sneak around and risk all for just an emotional fair. He was a man, he would have been having the sex too and you better face it. A large junk of reason for being so nice to you and tormenting you (because he has been - again wake up) was so the divorce went through smoothly and you did not contest his finances, or custodian rights. I agree however you have done the right thing as I do not believe in fleecing men for everything, but to make a dignified exit and i'll finish on what I think you should do in a min... I have no doubt he is racked with guilt, towards you and the children, which is also a part of the reason he still holds you etc - keeping you around so yet again 'the boss man' can decide what he wants, and you have just been there over and over again. Lying back for him, believing his excuses, explaining yourself to him constantly. Honestly how dare him, it has made me angry and I don't even know you so I can imagine how frustrated your loved ones are with it. Basically he followed through with the divorce, this action could not be louder to you right now. This speaks so simply and tells you that he saw it through to the end. What he feels towards you is guilt more than love and who wouldn't keep hanging around and having you on the side? Ok what you need to do is take that apartment with two hands, thank you very much - it is the least he can do. Seek advice on the 180 technique and go into limited contact. You need to focus on your life now as a single woman; if you want to go back to college, then do it. Exercise for you, hang with friends - join a group of a hobby you're intersted in. Recall the things you enjoyed doing before the marriage. The reconnection you need to be making is not with him but with yourself; it is imperative that you become strong again, for you and the children. Your relationship with this man is sooo unbalanced and would never work, never be in your best interests if you remain who you are now and I am truly certain you can only get to who you need to be alone. Arouse your psyche and soul to the truth about this man, which is he has highly contributed to your demise and the break down of the marriage. Give yourself a break, forgive yourself and move forth finally handing yourself the life you have long deserved. Link to post Share on other sites
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