A date with my separated spouse

[Mick1963]

Tonight, my wife of 25 years and I are going out for dinner and a movie. It's the first time we've spent alone time together in two months - when she kicked me out of the house after discovering I was having an affair.

 

It was during a tense conversation two weeks earlier that my wife revealed that she wanted to hear from me more, and I told her I was only trying to give her some space because that's what she requested. We set up the date (if you want to call it that). Since then, she's been very guarded about the date - even to the point of not telling our 20-year-old daughter, who still lives at home. I expected my wife to back out of it, but as of this morning the date appears to be on.

 

Getting caught was my wake-up call. I've done some serious soul-searching and re-evaluating my life. I'm ashamed of the betrayal and lies I committed and the things I encouraged my wife do that made her feel uncomfortable yet she did it to please me. My wife, who said after our separation that was unhappy with our marriage for some time, said I had to make some "major changes" before she would even consider reconciliation. I am working on those changes, not just to save the marriage but to get my life in order. Some of the changes include:

 

-I've rediscovered my faith and rededicated my life to the Lord. After nearly 48 years of life, I finally "got it" when it comes to what I've been hearing in church for years. I continue to go to the same church as my wife, but we go during different services.

-I've come to grips that I'm a sex addict. I've been visiting a counselor since early January, and the sessions have been very blunt and effective in making me realize my sickness. I've also joined a local sex addiction support group; guys like me who misused sex in their lives.

-I've lost weight going to the gym nearly everyday and dieting. When my wife kicked me out of a house, she called me a "fat bastard." I weighed about 234 pounds at the time, which is a lot for a guy who's 5-foot-8. Yesterday, I weighed in at 203.

-I ended the affair the day after it was revealed. The OW contacted three weeks ago to ask how I was doing. I was very brief, telling her I'm healing, but asking her please not to contact me again. She understood and we wished each other the best of luck.

 

Now, I hope I can show my wife the big issue - trust. I know it will be the biggest challenge, but I've told her through a detailed letter ways I want to earn that trust back. I asked that when she felt like talking about the letter, to let me know. It's been three weeks and she still hasn't said anything.

 

My wife is a very guarded person, and I know what I did violated all kinds of things. I've asked and prayed forgiveness and for an opportunity to show I'm learned my lesson about this ordeal. I know it's going to take some time for her to heal from it. I'm trying my best to be patient, but it's been tough.

 

I hope tonight will be a start of a renewed relationship between my wife and I. I feel she will be guarded throughout the night, but I'll try to make her feel at ease with me. She's not one to show her emotions, so I really want to make her smile and laugh while we're out tonight.

 

Now that I've poured out everything, I'd like to read what you have to say. Is there any hope for us? I'm really nervous about tonight. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.

[tojaz]

Mick, that all sounds very good. My advice is to go into the date with no expectations what so ever. Let it be exactly what she makes it. If not a word is said, let it be. Shes on high alert and is going out on a limb giving you a shot (thats why shes playing it close to the vest).

 

Listen to what she has to say and try to restrain yourself from trying to plead your case or explain what your trying to change. Words aren't going to mean anything to her at this point. This is a first date, treat it as such, your goal is not to be married or win her back, its just being invited to a second, if you let yourself jump to far ahead, you'll scare her off.... guaranteed!

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

so I really want to make her smile and laugh while we're out tonight.

 

What will there be to smile and laugh about? It's only been 2 months. Overcoming betrayal can take years or it may never happen. Rebuilding trust takes years too, if it happens at all.

 

Fine and dandy for you to have counsel but you make no mention if she has been in any kind of therapy, which she so desperately needs, more than you. Since you say you are not a patient man, perhaps it's best to let her get on with her life, without you. You have been a selfish, cowardly man for how long and how many A's? From what I've read, it sounds as though you have sexually abused your W along with the emotional abuse of cheating on her. How does one overcome abuse and reconcile with an abuser? Is it fair to put her through that?

 

You have rediscovered your faith and rededicated your life to the Lord, good. This will help you tremendously. Infidelity is God's green light to end a M, so why haven't you?

[IfiKnewThen]

wow 25 years is a long time. i am glad to see you turned over a new leaf. like the others said, it will take time, if at all that she can truly move past it. but that is the burden now. ...or blessing. so go with the flow. i just have one question...maybe 2. are you still in love with her..have romantic type love. love evolves and changes and that's just a fact. but it can deepen too in a more solid way. you need to rekindle the romantic love without the romantic notions if that makes any sense. but with any relationship comes respect for the other person as well as getting respect or earning it. your question is..do you have a chance with her? only she will know that in "time" according to your level of understanding and her level of forgiving and putting it in a proper place in her mind to cope and feel joy and trust with you again. but yes i think you have a shot at it. please read men are from mars women are from venus too. (really this is a great book). you are doing what you need to with healing and worship and self reflection. now is time to give and not expect too much..and just appreciate what you get back in return so it can build. i do wish you well. and keep the faith

[whichwayisup]

Keep working on yourself. It's great that you've lost all that weight, doing counselling and changing your ways.

 

As for the exOW, if she tries to contact you again, do not reply. She may reach out to you again in the future, to feel things out, see if you are interested. Some people can't let go.. So, cut her off completely, you don't owe her anything.

 

Have fun on your date! Just be free spirited, laugh and try to reconnect with your wife, remember all the things you loved about eachother when you first met many years ago.

[Mick1963]

so I really want to make her smile and laugh while we're out tonight.

 

What will there be to smile and laugh about? It's only been 2 months. Overcoming betrayal can take years or it may never happen. Rebuilding trust takes years too, if it happens at all.

 

Fine and dandy for you to have counsel but you make no mention if she has been in any kind of therapy, which she so desperately needs, more than you. Since you say you are not a patient man, perhaps it's best to let her get on with her life, without you. You have been a selfish, cowardly man for how long and how many A's? From what I've read, it sounds as though you have sexually abused your W along with the emotional abuse of cheating on her. How does one overcome abuse and reconcile with an abuser? Is it fair to put her through that?

 

You have rediscovered your faith and rededicated your life to the Lord, good. This will help you tremendously. Infidelity is God's green light to end a M, so why haven't you?

 

 

I have encouraged my wife to seek counseling either for herself or us as a married couple. In fact, the medical center where she's employed has a behavioral health employee assistance program; she or a family member can receive any kind of counseling at no cost. It's available for her. My wife, however, is a reserve and prideful person who does not like to show her feelings or emotions. It would take a lot for her to open up to a neutral party about anything. I think she can do it and would benefit from it. If the subject comes up again, I'll ask her nicely to consider the employee program or consider going to a faith-based counseling program that has helped couples like us.

 

IfI KnewThen: Yes, I still love my wife. And like what you said, I want to focus on the romantic love. It's basic to the basics of love.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Mick1963

[Mick1963]

My wife and I had a nice time last night. We overcame our nervousness and enjoyed the meal and some smiles and laughter. Our conversation covered a wide range of topics, but we didn't discuss the state of our marriage. When she reviewed the menu before ordering, I sat there looking at her, admiring her beauty. Later we held hands while I said the blessing. After dinner, we saw "Sanctum" at the theater and we talked about it as I took her to our home. (note: She still lives at home, I'm staying with family in a town 40 miles away).

 

When we returned home, I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek. She began to pull away, thinking I wanted to kiss her on the lips. She said, "I'm just not ready for it," and I told her that was fine. I wasn't planning on kissing her on the lips, but still wanted to show my appreciation for her joining me for the night. She nodded her head and said, 'OK.' She admitted that days earlier she started regretting the decision to join me for a date, thinking it would be an awkward time, yet she said she began to feel more comfortable as the date went on. We had plans to attend a concert together March 3, but I asked if she would be interested in doing things with me between now and then, and she agreed. Plus, I will start coming to the house on Saturdays to help with some home maintenance projects.

 

Before leaving, I did hold one of her hands when we were wrapping up the conversation and said our good nights. The date ended on a positive note. It actually went better than expected.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Mick1963

[lastresort]

Nice stories like this give a little hope for others. Keep us posted

[IfiKnewThen]

sounds positive and civilized. i hope and pray this works out. its a baby step and a big step. its a step in the right direction

[Mick1963]

My wife posted the following on her Facebook status this morning:

 

"Betrayal and lies make Valentine's Day a depressing holiday."

 

I'm confused and hurt. Why in the world she decided to post this two days after Valentine's Day?

 

On Valentine's Day, I sent her flowers telling her how glad that she had a nice time on our date and I'm looking forward to many more dates and spending more time with her. Plus, I sent a card - not a sappy, cheery card, but one that said I regret the mistakes I made and the hurt I caused and I assure you that I always love you. I showed the card to several people before giving it to my wife - even my therapist who's working with me on my sex addiction - and they all felt it was an appropriate card. I wasn't in a happy-happy joy-joy mood on Valentine's, either. I ached all day as I thought about what I did and was hoping our fragile relationship was making a turn for the better. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything for her on Valentine's.

 

We exchanged text messages Monday, and she thanked me for the flowers, and we talked on the phone Tuesday about me coming to the house this weekend to help with some work. The call got a little awkward at one point, but in all it was a civilized conversation.

 

Should I ask her why she posted the message? Perhaps it's her way to vent. Then again, I'm inclined to let it pass and focus on rebuilding the relationship.

Edited February 16, 2011 by Mick1963

[carhill]

I would suggest these things:

 

1. Refrain from making overt romantic gestures. You did that with the OW(s). Your W is disclosed and any such gestures made to her right now will likely bring such thoughts and feelings to mind.

 

2. Ask her to refrain from broadcasting the state of your marriage publicly. In order for counseling to work, that's the place to share such feelings and thoughts, not with the whole wide world on the internet. She can decline, but I'd take a dim view of such disclosures. I'm sure she has personal friends/family she can vent to. Disclaimer: This presumes you were discreet in your sex addiction and did not disrespect her grossly by carrying on your affairs in public.

 

3. Figure on at least a year and perhaps two years before any semblance of 'normal' returns to your M, assuming it survives.

 

4. Continue your personal work. It will benefit you, regardless of whether the M survives.

 

People will likely disagree with my #2, but I'm a firm believer that marital business needs to remain between the couple, and a neutral professional, as appropriate. Part of her work is accepting that your affairs are part of your marital past and any future you have together starts today and is completely new. Your instinct to let it go is sound, but I would broach the general topic in MC about marital privacy. I make this assertion as the receptacle, an often unwitting one, for women's private marital business over the decades. I really felt bad for their husbands, especially the ones I knew and was/am close to.

 

Good luck and best wishes for a successful reconciliation. BTW, I'm a one-time MM whose M did not survive, so take my perspective with that in mind.

[Mick1963]

I would suggest these things:

 

1. Refrain from making overt romantic gestures. You did that with the OW(s). Your W is disclosed and any such gestures made to her right now will likely bring such thoughts and feelings to mind.

 

2. Ask her to refrain from broadcasting the state of your marriage publicly. In order for counseling to work, that's the place to share such feelings and thoughts, not with the whole wide world on the internet. She can decline, but I'd take a dim view of such disclosures. I'm sure she has personal friends/family she can vent to. Disclaimer: This presumes you were discreet in your sex addiction and did not disrespect her grossly by carrying on your affairs in public.

 

3. Figure on at least a year and perhaps two years before any semblance of 'normal' returns to your M, assuming it survives.

 

4. Continue your personal work. It will benefit you, regardless of whether the M survives.

 

People will likely disagree with my #2, but I'm a firm believer that marital business needs to remain between the couple, and a neutral professional, as appropriate. Part of her work is accepting that your affairs are part of your marital past and any future you have together starts today and is completely new. Your instinct to let it go is sound, but I would broach the general topic in MC about marital privacy. I make this assertion as the receptacle, an often unwitting one, for women's private marital business over the decades. I really felt bad for their husbands, especially the ones I knew and was/am close to.

 

Good luck and best wishes for a successful reconciliation. BTW, I'm a one-time MM whose M did not survive, so take my perspective with that in mind.

 

I appreciate the advice. I just wish she was willing to go to marriage counseling. I've asked her to consider it, but she gave a 'I might' response one time and a no response another time. She's by nature a guarded and reserve person who would have a hard time opening up to a neutral person about anything, much less a troubled marriage.

 

I looked at her status line again, and my brother-in-law (sister's husband) replied to it. He wrote: "God heals all wounds."

 

Now that my wife has put it out there, I wonder if this is a signal from her that - in her mind - the marriage is over?

Edited February 16, 2011 by Mick1963

[carhill]

Our M ended and my exW never broadcast a word of it publicly. Of course, close friends and family knew. I was the one, as the divorce progressed, who shared the news with our far flung friends, individually, so they wouldn't wonder what was going on with us. I remember my MIL being surprised when I casually shared that exW and I were in MC. She apparently didn't know. The only person, besides our MC, who knew more than that we were divorcing was my best friend and I trust him with my life. He didn't even tell anyone my mom had died, simply because he knew it was my place to do so, not his.

 

Frankly, if she's not willing to attend MC, especially after a number of months of work and total transparency by yourself, my prognosis for the M is not good. It's going to take both of you to make the M survive and, unless you are both extraordinary communicators, it's going to be a difficult road without help. People can and do reconcile without it but IMO it helps to leave no stone unturned in the process. If you both try and MC is not your path, then it's not your path.

 

I'll have to read more of your backstory to comment further.

[IfiKnewThen]

call me crazy, but she is just venting. i would let it go at that, otherwise she will read it as you are trying to control her and her feelings.

 

your relative wrote a good thing...like.. God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. i know you are frightened. but unfortunately this is part of whats occurring now. cause and effect.

 

if she write anymore things ..this is one thing she is doing to vent..heal. shes going to be angry for a long time and not trust until trust is truly convincingly and in time, established. if she vents something public again. tell her you you just hate that shes hurting like this and that you created this mess..if thats how you feel. anyway, good luck and God bless.

[Mick1963]

Through private message, my brother-in-law suggested that I look up a Bible verse, write it down and give it to my wife before leaving Saturday night. Which verse, I don't know...I'll ponder about that from now until Saturday.

 

I will see my wife Friday morning when she drops off our daughter for me to take to school. I won't mention her post, just to ask if she's doing OK and say I'll see her Saturday morning at the house.

 

I've decided to seek marriage counseling on my own through a faith-based counseling center. I'll have to wait until an opening comes available. The adviser at the center said sometimes it takes one spouse to make the first visits before the second one joins in.

[What_Next]

I'll save my comments for the whole "sex addiction" for another place and time, but I will say right out front that the whole concept is a bunch of B/S. Sorry but I have to say it.

 

On topic, STOP worrying about what she does. STOP IT. Worry about what you do. Coming from someone who's wife cheated, words mean NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING. Actions mean everything.

 

The Bible verse is not a bad idea, how about reading it and internalizing the message behind it yourself? You took the ultimate selfish act by cheating on her. You need to "earn" her trust. Lay off the relationship talk, take it VERY SLOW.

 

You're a lucky guy that she is even giving you a second look.

[whichwayisup]

I've decided to seek marriage counseling on my own through a faith-based counseling center. I'll have to wait until an opening comes available. The adviser at the center said sometimes it takes one spouse to make the first visits before the second one joins in.

 

I think this is an excellent idea. Go on your own, work on you and hopefully in time, your wife will join you.

 

You're doing great!!!

 

As for your wife and her facebook status, don't react to it. Just try to stay positive and loving, be in a good place in your heart and mind.

[Mick1963]

What Next: I'm curious to know your opinion on sex addiction. Send it to this address: [email protected]. I agree with you on one thing: I am a lucky guy for getting a second chance.

 

Which Way: I appreciate the encouragement. I'm undecided whether to tell her right away about the marriage counseling or go to a couple of sessions before telling her. I informed her about my sex/porn counseling before it started. ... I won't say anything about her post unless she says something. If she does, I'll say I was upset at first, but then got over it and passed if off as her needing to vent -- and then mention if she wants to vent some more, how about coming to counseling with me.

Edited February 17, 2011 by Mick1963

[whichwayisup]

Go on your own for a while, this way when you ask her to join you, she'll be happily surprised that you've been going on your own for a while and working on 'you'.

 

I won't say anything about her post unless she says something. If she does, I'll say I was upset at first, but then got over it and passed if off as her needing to vent -- and then mention if she wants to vent some more, how about coming to counseling with me.

 

Did I miss something? What post?

[Mick1963]

Which Way: Her facebook status comment, posted yesterday, was "Betrayal and lies make valentines day a depressing holiday."

[Snowflower]

I have encouraged my wife to seek counseling either for herself or us as a married couple. In fact, the medical center where she's employed has a behavioral health employee assistance program; she or a family member can receive any kind of counseling at no cost. It's available for her. My wife, however, is a reserve and prideful person who does not like to show her feelings or emotions. It would take a lot for her to open up to a neutral party about anything. I think she can do it and would benefit from it. If the subject comes up again, I'll ask her nicely to consider the employee program or consider going to a faith-based counseling program that has helped couples like us.

 

 

I appreciate the advice. I just wish she was willing to go to marriage counseling. I've asked her to consider it, but she gave a 'I might' response one time and a no response another time. She's by nature a guarded and reserve person who would have a hard time opening up to a neutral person about anything, much less a troubled marriage.

 

 

and then mention if she wants to vent some more, how about coming to counseling with me.

 

Mick, it seems to me from reading this that you almost think badly of your wife for not seeking counseling. So what if she is guarded? She has likely always been that way.

 

I'm a rather guarded person myself and if my WH had tried repeatedly make me seek out counseling after his affair, it would have pushed me further away.

 

How do you know your wife isn't going to a counselor and not telling you about it? In a way, it is not any of your business if she goes or not. That is her choice.

 

I do think that going to MC alone is a good gesture though. It will hopefully help you in the long run if your wife decides to join you, or give you coping skills to handle the divorce.

[Mick1963]

Sunflower, I've made more pleas on this board for her to seek MC than I have in person. When we had a conversation a week after the separation, I asked would she consider going to MC, and she replied, "I'll think about it." A month later, I wrote her a detailed letter explaining the changes I was making in my life (changes she wanted me to make before she'd consider taking me back), and I wrote in a nice way that counseling was helping me and it could help us as a couple. I'm not demanding or pressuring her to do it; that's her call. However, based on the counseling I'm going through now, I can see the benefits and for her to think about it. If she's going to counseling, that's great, but I doubt she is.

 

I think my counseling for sex addiction is turning into a part-MC session. We spent half of the time talking about the current status of our marriage and this week's circumstances. The therapist and I agreed that I may have been a little too giddy about how the date went and overcontacted my wife this week. I was encouraged to scale back on the contact, and when we do see each other to encourage my wife to contact me anything anytime.

 

I'm going to the house today to do some work. I'm wondering if we'll have some time together to talk and work together or she'll keep her distance by going into another part of the house, leave to go shopping/run errands or whatever. I'm glad she's even allowing me to come there to do the work; it's either a sign she's giving me a chance to gradually work my way back into the relationship, or I could be fixing the house for her to enjoy after she files for divorce.

 

This separation stuff is one hell of a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts.

[susanfollows]

Oh brother, not another religious nut that found god and thinks he's FIXED but ends up doing it all over again later. Face it pal you ruined your marriage already there's nothing else you can do but move on.

[Goldenspoon]

It seems to me that you are some what expecting a quick fix. Your wife will be feeling betrayed, questioning you, wanting to lash you on you, not for months to come, but for YEARS to come. If you're not ready for that and want a quick fix, you won't get it and should look somewhere else.

[Mick1963]

My visit to the house was just an average work day. I did some work in the bathroom, loaded some junk in the back of the pickup, and cleaned out the garage while my wife did some yard work. We had a conversation here and there. No talk about the marriage woes.

 

When we finished the work, we rested in the living room. My wife and I sat on opposite sides of the room. I made a suggestion about going bowling earlier in the day, but after a day of work and settling in to watch BBC America's "Being Human" marathon, we decided to stay home. Our daughter came over from a friend's house and my wife cooked dinner. It was nice to enjoy a home-cooked meal by her - the first I've had since early December.

 

After watching our third episode of "Being Human," it was 7 p.m. and I was getting tired. I had to drive about 40 miles with a truckload of junk. Our daughter had returned to the friend's home, so it was my wife and I alone. We made small talk for a minute and I thanked her for dinner. I told her if she can always call me if she needed to talk or wanted to ask me anything. She stood up and we gave each other a hug, and I told her I'll call her sometime this week and she said "OK."

 

The next time I see my wife will be Thursday, when she has the day off and I pick up our daughter - a vision-impaired college sophomore - at home to take to class at mid-morning. So far, our planned date to see a Beatles tribute band in two weeks is still on.

 

As for the counseling issue - I won't bring it up to her unless she mentions it. I'll continue with my counseling to improve myself, and then I can tell her all about it if she asks. I'm not expecting a quick fix in our relationship; being patient is the best way to go in our case. I remind myself that every time she allows me to come to the house to work or she agrees to go out with me, she easily could have said no.

Edited February 21, 2011 by Mick1963