A date with my separated spouse

[IfiKnewThen]

quote: I remind myself that every time she allows me to come to the house to work or she agrees to go out with me, she easily could have said no.

 

 

this is true. good luck. i think youre doing all you can. God willing, slowly but surely, things will keep moving forward in a positive direction.

[Mick1963]

We'll see how things go this week when I give up my passwords to my Facebook, work e-mail and phone records. I might even let her put a GPS tracker in my car so she'll know where I'm going. I need these things to keep me honest. I offered all of this in a letter to her last month, but she never asked for them. I'm giving them to her anyway.

Edited February 21, 2011 by Mick1963

[IfiKnewThen]

awesome idea

[Mick1963]

This must be my lucky day. The faith-based MC counseling center just called. Someone canceled their session at 10 a.m. tomorrow, and the center's scheduler asked if I wanted to come in at that time. I had to refrain myself from saying 'Hell, yeah' when I answered. I'm going in.

[IfiKnewThen]

lol. yeah cant say that:p

[You Go Girl]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else here who had an opinion on the mc that you should go ahead and start by yourself.

I think to go yourself, to start mc w/o her, is presumptive. It's mho, but, if I was her, I would be pissed off once I found out. You don't do mc alone, this is impossible. Either both agree to go, or they don't. For one partner to get a "head start" on the whole matter leaves the other at a disadvantage. Maybe your w would prefer to meet the counselor at the same time as you do. Maybe she wouldn't like it that you gave out personal info on your marriage to a counselor w/o her approval. (not talking about IC, that's for your personal improvement). Maybe she sees mc as I do, something that can only be done together AFTER agreeing together to go.

Now I understand that you want to save your marriage. Perfectly reasonable. However, to say, "well you wouldn't agree to go to mc, so I went w/o you, is like saying--you wouldn't agree to marry me, so I went and applied for the marriage license and I'm waiting for you to approve."

See what a ridiculous idea that is?

It's taking an executive decision on a marital decision. These type of decisions CANNOT be made by one half of the equation, or you are asking for trouble.

It is impatient. It is presumptive. It is counting your chickens before they hatch. It is also controlling to a degree to get in there first and meet and discuss your marriage w/o your wife there.

You know what else it is? It is the same type of thinking that led you to have sex behind your wife's back. You decide to do something without her approval. Umm...stop that shyte right now, you know where that gets you.

 

Now on the sex addiction--an addiction is loosely any behavior that has negative consequences and yet the person chooses to continue the behavior.

But this type of "addiction" is certainly not like a physical addiction such as an alcoholic who is going to have a seizure if they don't get their dose today. It is not a physical addiction, it is a mental one, much like shopping without cash in the bank.

Imho, yet once again, I would not label myself such if I were you. I think it far healthier to say--

I did some very selfish things and I regretted that I got caught.

Once I got caught, I wanted to save my marriage and I started looking at the possible consequences of what I had done.

I am learning how to not be so selfish, and I am taking my recovery farther than just regretting that I was caught. I am looking at how my behavior hurt another person that I love and care for...etc., etc., etc.

 

The problem with labeling this type of behavior as an addiction in the same way as an alcoholic is that labeling gives you the ability to self-pity with "I have a condition" or "I have a mental disease" and whatnot. It is my opinion that you should refrain from labeling yourself as a sex addict for this very reason, and own your past selfish decisions. Your recovery could be much quicker if you do.

 

For example: I am a financial drunk.

I have a condition. I am addicted to "not working". Is there a drug out there and a support group for me?

Suddenly I've removed some personal responsibility. I seek the comfort of others who don't want to work hard and earn money, I label myself as having a mental disease, and I now have earned my own self-pity. This is faulty thinking, and could very well hinder my progress on becoming financially responsible, no?

So be careful as labeling yourself a "sex adddict".

Imho yet once again, a true sex addict would be a person that was unable to stop having sex with others even when it jeaporadized their very life, and they were going to lose everything they had, the same as a heroin addict would.

Can you say that you would seek sex at all costs including your very life? Then you are a true sex addict. Otherwise, own it as selfish compulsive obsessive behavior, and forgo the labeling.

Edited February 21, 2011 by You Go Girl

[Mick1963]

I'm approaching tomorrow's session as a type of informational meeting with the counselor, to check it out and ask a lot of questions. I may learn from him that it'd be better if my wife joined me in the session. If that's the case, I won't return until she's with me. That way, we can start our MC from scratch.

[whichwayisup]

I think to go yourself, to start mc w/o her, is presumptive. It's mho, but, if I was her, I would be pissed off once I found out. You don't do mc alone, this is impossible. Either both agree to go, or they don't. For one partner to get a "head start" on the whole matter leaves the other at a disadvantage.

 

Many people go on their own and then use the same person together as a couple for MC.

 

It's good for him to go now, work on himself. He needs to do this for himself and once his wife sees his changes, and she's willing to go with him, then together they can work this out. There's nothing wrong with him going! IF his wife doesn't go, isn't into going, then atleast this guy has got some counselling in and got the help he needs. MC is different than a regular C.

[britchick]

Please, please remember that your wife is not privy to your prayers or your discussions in counselling. Your wife is vulnerable at the moment and you would do well to remember that.....putting your faith in some outside entity to protect the two of you from future betrayal seems to me a cowardly way out. Have you really faced what you have done?

 

Something about your posts (as a previously betrayed spouse) puts me in mind of my ex and his 'sorrys'....'I am seeking help with my problem'....I know that marriages are not simple and there's always blame to share but having sex/relationships with others means she will need you to say that you accept the blame for this lies squarely on your shoulders and you really need to ask yourself if you can be sure that this will NEVER happen again (if she agrees to take you back). I am saying without trying to sound unkind that your posts are becoming 'Holier than thou' ...please don't seek a way to explain away your bad behaviour but take the blame like a man! If you can say you are sorry without excuses...well that would be a way forward.

 

Please continue to offer help where you can but try not to have any expectations...forgiveness, if there is any, will have to come from her and no amount of MC can fix what is ruined. As others have said you have a lot to rebuild and perhaps the best you will get is her respect and wishing you well........continue to work on yourself because, in the end, if this doesn't work out and one day you start a new relationship, I am sure you would not have any respect for yourself if you make the same mistakes again.

 

Wishing you the best of luck x

[You Go Girl]

Many people go on their own and then use the same person together as a couple for MC.

 

It's good for him to go now, work on himself. He needs to do this for himself and once his wife sees his changes, and she's willing to go with him, then together they can work this out. There's nothing wrong with him going! IF his wife doesn't go, isn't into going, then atleast this guy has got some counselling in and got the help he needs. MC is different than a regular C.

 

It is removing her half of the decision making process. This is exactly what happened when he decided to have sex behind his wife's back. Now he will be going to mc behind his wife's back w/o her approval?

Hello!

He already asked her to go. She has said she will consider it. He should wait it out!

Stop taking away her half of the decision making process in marital decisions!

He is going to IC. There he can work on himself, and discuss his marriage, as he is already doing there.

It is selfish to start mc w/o the other partner. It is presumptive, it is controlling, it is taking away from her once again her half of the decision making process.

If he were my H, I would be pissed through the roof. Once again he is selfishly deciding marital decisions on his own.

 

On his defence--he has decided to use the meeting as an infomational meeting.

Good.

Do not take her half of the decision making process away from her. It would be very disrespectful to do so.

Edited February 21, 2011 by You Go Girl

[Distant78]

Not trying to defend this guy but I find it interesting some women on here are "dogging" this guy, yet when the OP is a woman she's defended for her cheating.

 

Look dude, going to MC by yourself is a waste of time. You know why? Because your wife doesn't want to go, and with very good reason. You should go to IC by yourself and not hold your breath for your wife coming around. She may end up just divorcing you. Work on yourself and be there when she needs you. I can see you're having expectations like every other cheater and that's very disrespectful. Work on yourself and your issues, be a mature adult from this point forth and be an open window for your wife, whether she decides to stay or not.

[Mick1963]

I went to the counseling this morning, and it turned into more of a two-hour individual session than a MC session. The discussion was very deep and productive. It's given me a lot to think about until my next session March 10.

 

The counselor said if my wife wanted to do MC, then she could come for a solo visit so she can have her two hours individually like I did, and then we can start going together for MC sessions. However, I'm not going to pressure her into going. If the subject comes up in our discussion, I'll tell her about it.

[You Go Girl]

Sounds like a fair enough plan, Mick.

[IfiKnewThen]

its another step mick. hope they all add up. good luck

[Mick1963]

Gave my wife the passwords to my accounts - Facebook, cell phone record, work e-mail and other e-mails I've used recently - and she thanked me. I won't create any alternate e-mail or FB accounts to get around this. I'm doing everything I can to get away from my old "underground" life. The OW is blocked on my FB page. Someone suggested I deactivate the FB page, but several of my FB friends (some family, some longtime real-life friends) have sent me messages of support and encouragement. I also reconnected with a male childhood friend who gave me his phone number. I called and we talked for an hour about how he and his wife were able to save their marriage after her cheating. At one time I had about 1,900 FB friends, now the list is 153 - people I assured to my wife will not jeopardize my recovery from porn addiction or my attempt to work on my marriage.

 

I also told my wife I had joined a sexual addiction support group and gave her some details about it, and she said it was good for me to join it. I noticed she seemed surprised when I told her one of the support group members knows us personally and works for the same company as hers. I didn't reveal his name to her.

 

My wife and I went out again Friday night to see the movie "Unknown" and a light dinner at the mall food court. Once again it was a nice evening. Good conversation, some laughs and smiles. No talk about the marriage woes. I did notice that when I gave my wife a good-bye hug, she didn't embrace me back, instead leaning a bit toward me while keeping her hands inside her sweater pockets. She said her hands were cold, so I'm trying not to dwell too much about it. I told her I would call Tuesday, and she sounded as if she was looking for to it. We're going to a Beatles tribute band show Thursday night.

 

My wife knew I had an appointment Friday morning with the porn addiction counselor, who is 90 miles away. She didn't ask me about it Friday night. I didn't tell her about the individual counseling session earlier in the week. The IC, which is in the city where we live, is more spiritual based; the discussion included porn addiction and how men of faith cope with it.

 

I have appointments March 10 with both the individual counselor (morning) and the porn counselor (afternoon). I'm thinking about scaling back on the porn counseling because gas prices are skyrocketing and if the IC goes more into how to overcome off porn/sex addiction. I'm also doing work in the workbook "Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World" by Mark Laaser, which takes a faith-based approach to tackling sex addiction.

 

If I make the decision to switch counselors, I'll tell my wife. Maybe it will give her incentive to join in if the counseling is in our hometown. However, I won't pressure her. That's for her to decide.

Edited February 26, 2011 by Mick1963