Nixx Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 So tonight after work I go to a birthday party thing with some people. Most I dont really know that well but all are quite lovely people. Anyway. I'm a bartender. Behind the bar I'm fine. I can be social. But when I go out? Barely a word. I seriously had to force myself to come up with things to say when people would try to have a conversation with me. I feel so dull. What is wrong with me? I've always been shy and have tried to push myself out there to not be. But lately I've just become so comfortable in my own little shell. I'd rather be home. Playing video games...or looking up ridiculous videos on the interwebz. Ugh. I'm going to die an old lonely cat lady. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I'm gonna put this out there... if you feel completely comfortable and happy doing what you said you do.. why are you forcing yourself to be what you're not? Is it because you feel there's something missing... or because you think that because everyone does the party/social thing, there must be something wrong with you if you don't? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nixx Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 true. Right now I dont have many friends. I'm temporarily away from home for a while. And the people I know now always go out and try to include me. I try. But I just dont really have any desire to. I just started to feel a bit down because I felt like such a boring person. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Going out alone to mingle among a group of acquaintances and strangers is very difficult at first. Personally, I don't care for small talk. It bores me and feels superficial. However, I HAD to learn small talk. And now I like it because it's a way of breaking the ice. I have become very social skilled among strangers with practice. I went from talking in the corner to one close friend to leading meetup groups. I will tell you a secret... Many times when I'm out laughing with a group of strangers, I still rather be talking to a best friend. Or be alone with solitaire scrabble or a book. On the surface, everybody looks like they're having the time of their lives. But underneath, they have fears and insecurities too. And a lot of them are bored and would be grateful to hear stories about bartending and whatever else you have to share. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 One of the most important things I learnt in life is not to let anyone else dictate what should or should not make you happy. I nearly made the mistake, once, of believing that because people say 'the best life' should be lived in such and such a way, or the 'best relationships' done in such and such a way, that mine necessarily needs to conform to such to be happy. But it doesn't. I am happy the way I am. I go to parties maybe 4-5 times a year, usually only when the people there are the people I know very well. Are you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
IusedToBeFunny Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I'm like you Nixx.. I been like this for a long time so now I sorta "know" why I am the way I am but it still just "sucks".. I come to love/enjoy being home, having few/no friends, and hope to meet a date or get a girlfriend. that's like my only solace.. which everyone will say not to rely on, but I just focus on actually trying to be somewhat appealing to a girl and hope she's kind of "like me" a bit.... What it comes down to... you don't need to be an old cat lady -- find an old "dog man".... ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nixx Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Elswyth.....you're right. Its just not my thing. So why should I force myself to enjoy that type of lifestyle? I'm honestly happy the way I am. I guess most people that work in a bar are usually more into that lifestyle...doesnt mean I have to be. I do enjoy my job but I dont want to be on the other side of the bar. Unless its just a small group of friends in a pub. Its difficult meeting new people when in a different country though. I get super lonely sometimes. But I'll be back home soon enough. Just need to enjoy my time out here! There HAS TO be more to this place than going out at night and getting wasted. Iusedtobefunny....I lasted 45 minutes at the party. I think I'm just going to accept that I'm just that way as well. Luckily....I think I have found an "old dog man" (haha).....we're just LD"R" at the moment. I CANNOT WAIT to just hang out with him, make fun of eachother, and play video games all day long. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Social interaction makes me uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as being in isolation. You have to weigh your options. If you want better social skills, you gotta go out and get them! Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Nixx, how about going to the bar that you work at, as a patron? You've already stated that you're social and relaxed behind the bar, so at least you'll have the familiar surroundings factor to make you a little more comfortable. Start by being more social in the bar you know, then once you are fine there, then move to foreign locations. It gives you a chance to expand your comfort zone gradually, rather than all at once. Just a thought. And on behalf of the rest of us shy folk here, I wish you the best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bolase Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 So tonight after work I go to a birthday party thing with some people. Most I dont really know that well but all are quite lovely people. Anyway. I'm a bartender. Behind the bar I'm fine. I can be social. But when I go out? Barely a word. I seriously had to force myself to come up with things to say when people would try to have a conversation with me. I feel so dull. What is wrong with me? I've always been shy and have tried to push myself out there to not be. But lately I've just become so comfortable in my own little shell. I'd rather be home. Playing video games...or looking up ridiculous videos on the interwebz. Ugh. I'm going to die an old lonely cat lady. I feel the same way sometimes. I have been in exactly your shoes, as a female bartender, feeling that way.. especially when I was kinda in between two groups of friends (ie moving from one, through a breakup and mad stuff happening with mutual friends, to a new group of people entirely in that town) and forcing myself to get to know the new group was excruciating at times and I wanted bonds to form way quicker than they did, I set my expectations too high - BUT I made myself go to parties etc with some new friends to meet others and get more comfortable around everyone. However I think you need to force yourself to act: force yourself to pursue your hobby, get out of the house if you dont have a good reason not to, and to talk to strangers. I am going well with the first two and..okay with the second. Something i think I am shy, other times I know its just practice and the problem is laziness! Kill the laziness in you and go hard at solving your shy issue by talking more and the inner confidence you will start to burn through. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 One of the most important things I learnt in life is not to let anyone else dictate what should or should not make you happy. I nearly made the mistake, once, of believing that because people say 'the best life' should be lived in such and such a way, or the 'best relationships' done in such and such a way, that mine necessarily needs to conform to such to be happy. But it doesn't. I am happy the way I am. I go to parties maybe 4-5 times a year, usually only when the people there are the people I know very well. Are you happy? Maybe you can elaborate on that sometime. I'm going through the same thing as Nixx. I can't stand the thought of going out right now and never have been that big on socializing. Not to mention I'm going through a bad breakup (like there's any good ones but you know..) and everybody at work keeps busting my chops telling me I'm weak and pathetic and life is there to be lived and all this when what REALLY makes me happy right now is... well... being a hermit. Trying to sort **** out. The last thing I wanna do is go out and force myself to conform. I went out to eat recently on a friday night at a packed bar/thingy and I can honestly say that my uncomfort level was so through the roof that I'd have actually preferred to have my skin torn off by an angry pit bull. Never again. It doesn't make me happy. IT DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY YOU BUNCH OF HEARTLESS BITCHES THAT I WORK WITH!! YOU HEAR?? **** YOU ALL!! Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Throw me in there with the socially awkwards .. The last two events I attended by myself, I felt extremely awkward. The events consisted of others already in their groups for the most part .. I wonder if creative people tend to be more antisocial? I'm creative and proud of my endeavors and accomplishments - but obviously uncomfortable in these groups of those I don't know, or remember. Probably if I had attended with others, I would have been able to blend better. And I would think one of the biggest keys to being socially comfortable would be that of showing interest, and being inquisitive of others. Personally I think people are here today, gone tomorrow - and not to be taken too seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Maybe you can elaborate on that sometime. I'm going through the same thing as Nixx. I can't stand the thought of going out right now and never have been that big on socializing. Not to mention I'm going through a bad breakup (like there's any good ones but you know..) and everybody at work keeps busting my chops telling me I'm weak and pathetic and life is there to be lived and all this when what REALLY makes me happy right now is... well... being a hermit. Trying to sort **** out. The last thing I wanna do is go out and force myself to conform. I went out to eat recently on a friday night at a packed bar/thingy and I can honestly say that my uncomfort level was so through the roof that I'd have actually preferred to have my skin torn off by an angry pit bull. Never again. It doesn't make me happy. IT DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY YOU BUNCH OF HEARTLESS BITCHES THAT I WORK WITH!! YOU HEAR?? **** YOU ALL!! Ehh. Your rage level scares me a little. What do you want me to elaborate on? Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 "I nearly made the mistake, once, of believing that because people say 'the best life' should be lived in such and such a way, or the 'best relationships' done in such and such a way, that mine necessarily needs to conform to such to be happy." This part. It made me happy to know that someone else felt the same way and I was just wondering what your experience was. I'm sorry about my rage level. I know. This person I've become is not me. I used to be the nicest kindest person and inside I know that I still am. It's just that my ex has completely driven me crazy and I just cry all the time and these people I work with keep calling me lame because I'm not ready to go out and it just.. hurts... ya know.. to think that my friends are only my friends when I'm happy and smiling. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor. Please don't count me out because of my rage level. I'm just losing my mind. I'm really sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Nah, don't worry about it. We all need somewhere to vent. Basically, I realized that I was 'creating' issues in my relationship because of what I'd been hearing or reading from other people, when those things did not actually bother me in the first place. Yet, hearing people say that such issues meant this and that and that a happy relationship HAD to be this and that, made me think that because mine was different I could not possibly be happy and that I should try and force it into a place that it was never meant to go. I ultimately realized that not only were those people not in happy LTRs themselves, but also that what everyone needs is different. I know this isn't really related to the OP, but I think this is a lesson that can be extrapolated into many areas of life. I also tried the whole 'going out and (trying to) party' thing back in college for a bit and ultimately decided it wasn't for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I also tried the whole 'going out and (trying to) party' thing back in college for a bit and ultimately decided it wasn't for me. I think that's the bottomline. There is no obligation to be a party animal. I don't consider myself to be socially awkward, but even then, 90% of the time I would rather spend a quiet evening at home then go out. My favorite socializing activities usually involve 2-3 friends and a good dinner. Once in awhile, I'll be in the mood for socializing - and even then I would not pick a crowded bar as my top favorite place. If I do find myself not enjoying a party, I will leave. It doesn't mean that I'm socially inadequate or even that the party is bad. It just means that the party and I were not meshing. To me, the line of sanity is that no one can make me do something I don't want to do. I mesh with some crowds and I don't mesh with others. There's also nights when I'm not in the mood for small talk, while on others I could talk anyone's ear off. Whatev, that's just how it is. I'm saying all this because I think many posters on this thread are putting unnecessary pressure on themselves. Start by respecting your own boundaries. Tell yourself that if you're not enjoying yourself, you can just leave. As soon as you stop putting pressure on yourselves, you'll likely start finding social situations a bit less daunting. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 "I nearly made the mistake, once, of believing that because people say 'the best life' should be lived in such and such a way, or the 'best relationships' done in such and such a way, that mine necessarily needs to conform to such to be happy." This part. It made me happy to know that someone else felt the same way and I was just wondering what your experience was. I'm sorry about my rage level. I know. This person I've become is not me. I used to be the nicest kindest person and inside I know that I still am. It's just that my ex has completely driven me crazy and I just cry all the time and these people I work with keep calling me lame because I'm not ready to go out and it just.. hurts... ya know.. to think that my friends are only my friends when I'm happy and smiling. I'm thinking of seeing a counselor. Please don't count me out because of my rage level. I'm just losing my mind. I'm really sorry. I've read your story and I'm sorry for what you've went through. Link to post Share on other sites
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