Help with Marriage problem!?Please

[stephenkg]

Hello I am not realy writing about infedelity in my relationship. However I do have a problem and don't know who to turn to for advise. I figure people that have had many years of experiance would know.

 

Anyway I will start from the beggining. My wife and I met back in 98' we married in 2000. There is a seven year difference in our age. I was 17 when we met just getting ready to turn 18. She was older than me. Anyway, I did everything I could for the woman. She had lost her kids to there father in KY. We met in MI where I was living and working. So I decided the best way to show her how I care is to help her get her kids back.

We move to KY, a little town called Flatwoods. We moved here without any jobs at all just renting a room. Well everyday I was out looking for work. More than she was. We decided to get her in beautiy school. So we did. I worked fast food day and night to make money. Eventualy the hard work paid off. I had made enough money to move into a place. Well as time passed bills were harder to pay...me being the only one working. So I asked my wife to get a part time job after her school so she could help with the bills.

Well she simply refused to and said that I didn't want her to finish out her schooling. That all I cared about was money. Yes I admittid it, money does make the world go round. In the end we got too far behind in everything. Rent was always late, the cable and electric was gettting shutt off. Not to mention I helped her get back in court to get her kids back. Eventualy I had to leave and go back to Michigan to get my point across that I couldn't make the money by myself. She said she would help, however she dropped out of school and got a job. And she always blammed me for her not being in shchool. I just wanted her to get a part time job and help a little.

We eventualy got things caught back up. And I told her to go back and finish her schooling. Seing that I just landed a pretty good paying job for this area. It wasn't much, but enough for her to go to school full time and me work to pay the bills. She graduated febuary of this year as a full blown cosmetoligist. I was so proud of her, yet somewhat dissapointed she never thanked me for working so hard to make ends meet so she could go to school. I never said anything to her about it, because anytime I say anything about the way she acts or does things...she turns it around on me and makes me think its all my fault. I even helped her get her kids back...and she feels like it was all her doing. I left my life in michigan to be with her her and get her kids back. Of which we did through the courts. It was a rough go on getting them, but we did.

Anyway, she is now working at a Hair care place. And this is where my real problem is starting. We are again starting to have finacial problems. I make 229 bucks a week to pay bills and rent and other things. However there is four people in the house and that just isn't enough money. The place she works at only pays her 50% of the cuts she does. Meaning if you go in to get a cut and they charge 10 bucks she gets 5. Its all under the table no taxes or anything taken out. I see that as a problem...she has no taxible income yet for this year...that will be bad on taxes at the end of the year. Anyway, she is only been bringing like 45 to 55 bucks home a week. And it is getting frustrating. She keeps telling me it takes time to build up my clients. Yet she passed up a job a JC Pennys hair place...wich paid hourly and commision plus a 1000 dollar sign on bouus. And I am sure they are a lot busyier than the place she is at now. Everytime I talk to her about it, she gets all pissy about it. She doesn't know what it is like to have all the weight on my shoulders, paying bills and what not. I need her help again and she just won't budge. The lady she is working with that owns the place is talking about retireing.

My wife thinks that she will leave her the business. However I am joining the ARMY her realy soon...I have to get something taken care of before I swear in and go off to boot camp. But she was talking about running her business when she retires. However I thought we talked about my plans of going into the ARMY and her and the kids moving on base with me so we can live a pretty decent life. Wich if I bring that up to her she will get all pissy and not talk to me for a day or so, and not accomplish anything. I just don't know what to do here it is we need her making more money. We made plans on a great future with me being in the ARMY and being able to provide a lot better. But she keeps talking about takeing over this Salon. What do I do how do I get her to understand.....maybe she is just too old and thinks she can run the show. I don't know I just need someones advice...I love this woman with all my heart and have proven it time and time agian...I just don't think that she has realy shown me. Any advice would be very nice.

 

 

Thanks

[Fedup&givingup]

Wow...I would say that you have been taken advantage of, to say the least. You have a kind heart.

 

I would be firm and put my foot down regarding the Army if I were you. You owe that much to yourself. It is fair and more than reasonable for you to have a decent career. If she's unwilling to bend, compromise, or accept the fact that you have chosen a career that will cause you to have to relocate, that is a serious factor. I could see her not wanting to have to relocate if the children's father is an issue, but I haven't heard anything about him (not to mention any child support being paid).

 

I will state my opinion on your wife...I think she's done what she has wanted to, and now you are seeing the fruit (or lack thereof) of it. I agree that she is making a very poor decision in working at this salon making next to nothing. All the talk about one day owning this shop is pie in the sky, and her dream is not doing a thing for your bank account. It's unrealistic at this point. It's all been her way, and you've fed into that.

 

I will say, GOOD for you for starting from literally nowhere and making it. That's good to hear-where there's a will, there's a way. I know you love her, but I think it's time you draw your line in the sand and tell her that YOU have chosen YOUR career. You need to have something dependable, period. I'm sure she gets and understands what it takes to make ends meet, she's 7 years your senior. She's been riding on your train "free of charge" long enough, and now that she's gotten her cosmotology license, you both should be reaping the benefits. You are not, because she's not being fair. I see a whole lot of selfishness in her.

 

You honestly sound like a good guy, but I will say that you need to consider how much more of this you can take.

[spencer]

well i sympathize with you.

i agree with fedup's analysis.

i would like to add something though.

why do you want to join the army?

is it something you really want to do, or something you think you should do?

plans do change, and now she is seeing opportunities for herself that she never had before.

selfish- absolutely.

 

you have extreme maturity and work ethic for your age.

i applaud you. you have proven yourself quite capable of making excellent decisions and despite the fact you are younger than her, you are apparently more intelligent.

as a 34 year old woman myself, I would trust and follow your logic.

age is irrelevent.

i advise you to encourage her to ask her boss if she is going to retire.

then to find out how much this woman wants for the shop.

no one ever leaves a profitable business to a non family member.

this conversation should wake her up out of her fantasy.

she might have to take that other job to afford to buy the business anyway.

 

proceed with your plans for the future, a hair dresser can work anywhere.

just show her the benefits of the army like any good business plan, and suggest she start her own shop if she wants later when your both more secure.

also remind her that the average cost to run a small business anually is arround 25-50 thousand per year.

2 years average to break even and 5years to be stable.

what happens when the kids get sick, now she can take off, her own business nope.

health insurance, ouch pricey.

she will have to work atleast 16 hour days in her own shop.

she doesn't like giving up 50% of her income now, she will have to give up around 90% for the first couple of years. if she is serious have her check into the local SBA.

she will probably change her mind and run to the nearest army base.

just let her think its her idea

[FreeMe]

I'm surprised you were able to get custody of the kids with so little income. I would have thought the court would have required more.

 

I think she's being unrealistic and selfish. I agree with the other posters about it. You have worked really hard and done everything for her and she seems like she's just along for the ride. I think you have to do what you have to do for yourself - you should have a career and make a life for yourself. You should try to convince her again, but if she doesn't cooperate I think you can go away knowing you did everything you could for her and you have fulfilled your responsibility.

[stephenkg]

I realy do apreciate the replys, and so quickly. Yes more and more latley, I have been feeling used and tossed aside. And yes the ARMY is my decision for myself, somthing I must do to make peace in my life. I just wish for once she would understand that I am only doing what is best for our family. And the decisions I make, and the decisions I wish she would make are a realy benifitial situation for us. I also find myself wondering if I made the right decision putting myself in this posistion. But I guess when you love someone very much everything you do for them just seems right and nothing els matters.

And that is just it. I feel if I wasn't here my step-daughters wouldn't be taken care of. That they couldn't have the things that they like or want. I often feel that my wife can't provide, or lacks the abition to do it. I have tryed to leave a couple of times, because I felt it is what she needed in her life. So that she can grow up a little and provide for what two living beings depend on. But I feel that she can't and it would be wrong of me to do that. Becasue two lifes depend on me to take care of them, for they can't do it themselves. I don't know I just wish it was a little easier. Maybe I am just to weak to stand up for what I think is right in our lives. You see I can't stand confrentation. I lived with it all my life with my parents. But if I don't make a stand soon.......there may not be anything to stand on.

And the kids father is a peice of s&*^, he can't even hold down his own place. He has been living with his brother for ever and a day. He won't even take care of himself at all. He always smells and his teeth, well what teeth. You get the picture. And no my wife decided she didn't want any child support from him. So we get none. I feel like I am just a ATM machine...they just stick the card in and I spit out money..and have nothing to show for my hard work. Yet I don't know why it seems so hard to do something drastic for myself...eees the stress a little.

I know in a second that if a woman approched me that took care of herself financialy and phicicaly, and wanted a relationship with me, she could turn me in a heartbeat. And I don't feel like that is what you should be feeling in a marriage. There should be nothing that can take you from that person. Its scary to think I could f&*^ up our realationship. If some woman actualy persude me. And yet feel like it is her fault, because she didn't stand by me and give me what I would like to have out of life. Maybe I am brain washed in a way....I don't know it just if frustrating to get up everyday..and have to live the bull of a life doing everything for everyone around me, but no one do somtihng for me. Well maybe some good advise would make me feel better...thank you all

[FreeMe]

I don't think you're brainwashed. I think you are very responsible and mature. You took on responsibilities that you don't have any problem handling, but nevertheless, you should not be handling them alone - the support and cooperation you should be getting from your wife - the girls' own MOTHER is not there. You are in a rough spot and I don't think anyone would blame you for your feelings and doubts. You've taken on a lot, especially for someone so young, and you've lived up to it. You obviously have a huge capacity for love as well, which is wonderful. You deserve to be appreciated, you deserve help, and you deserve a career and life you take pride in. I wish I could say something that would help you persuade your wife to do what's right and take on some responsibility but I don't know what to say. All I can do is say that everything you're doing is admirable.