Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 I wish all the pain and lies he put into my life were gone gone gone Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 {{{{{{{{{{dreamingoftigers}}}}}}}}}} If possible, stay with or spend some time with a close friend right now. It's not a good time to be alone, even though that might seem like a good solution. My sympathies.... Link to post Share on other sites
Albertan Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 PLEASE don't do anything you will regret later to make yourself feel better now or in revenge ie having sex with strangers. As you found last night, you can't do it and that is because it WILL NOT make you feel better, because that is NOT who you are, you are worth moe than that. If your H can't see that then to hell with him. Stop and think before you act. You're so hurt and angry and we all make rash decisions when emotion feels that powerful. Take Willow's advice here, making yourself "feel good now" will probably only bring more pain (and shame) later down the road. Give yourself time to recover, to heal and later if you want to go crazy and do wild things at least you'll be in a slightly better place. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I gave myself 30 days of a break to try to restore my sanity before I ever have to deal with him again. Good! That is a very healthy post DOT - whether you know it or not..I think you do know it though. YOU ARE what is important right now...for both yourself and your daughter. I, for one, am proud of you for that statement above. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 (((DOT))) DOT, I have read your posts on here for a long time and admired your compassionate yet firm nature in dealing with others. I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. It may be dark right now, but I can see you emerging from this tunnel much stronger and better than before, and an inspiration to your daughter. My thoughts are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 <---would marry you if I was a man Or a lesbian. But I'm not either of those. That's awesome cause you're posts have inspired and helped so many people that they all loves you! You have lots of support on here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Thanks Carhill, there really isn't anyone that I can stay with aside frommy parents and I am quite sure that that will do more harm then good. I do gave a nice young couple as tenants upstairs and they have both been awesome about this but I don't want to get too far into it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Good! That is a very healthy post DOT - whether you know it or not..I think you do know it though. YOU ARE what is important right now...for both yourself and your daughter. I, for one, am proud of you for that statement above. DoT, I feel your pain and the anguish of unanswered questions. It is so hard being a single parent but we can do it, we have to, to make up for the walk aways. Please forget the sex, it is not important at the moment and don't go meet strange guys! It is far too dangerous! I felt like dying too but 5 months on am starting to feel better, well a little bit. Someone sent me a text.....Spring is coming, the birds will sing, the sun will shine and I hope the clouds lift a little bit. Take care Dx Sorry I was a real jerk with that response. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 No apology needed hun. Hugs!! Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 My stbxH had a porn problem too, and it was really getting to me. I missed him real bad at first, his flaws and all. But LS, counselling, and just staying busy with my own life I really am not missing a lot of bad things about him. Not really missing the good things either Hell I washed my car and waxed it up real nice today, and talked to hot cop some more... all things I couldn't do with stbxH around. Yeah... even the washing and waxing my car... I was always afraid of him jerking off while I am not there so I could take care of him... I didn't want him to have any excuses why we shouldn't have sex...or oral... I really don't miss that **** now After a while (if not already) you won't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Yeah I totally relate to the second you leave the room you are sick to your stomach feeling. You just damn well know that something ain't right and if you bring in up they just act like you are demanding, crazy, conflictual or controlling. And you are going crazy because you know what is reality and isn't but you second-guess it all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 <---would marry you if I was a man Or a lesbian. But I'm not either of those. That's awesome cause you're posts have inspired and helped so many people that they all loves you! You have lots of support on here! I really appreciate that. Since I am not looking to get remarried, maybe we can just "get down.":laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Well I pretty much feel dead inside aside from keeping company with my daughter. When she says "daddy" in her cute little voice, my heart breaks all over again Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Well I pretty much feel dead inside aside from keeping company with my daughter. When she says "daddy" in her cute little voice, my heart breaks all over again She just went pee on the potty too (she is 20 months old) and she is so proud of herself. He is missing this stuff, it really sucks. And for what, really? Boobs on the Internet? How frigging stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Real life >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Internets And now you've got a first class seat to watching your precious daughter grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Yeah I am 100% on board with D now. I will not keep going through this fir someone who keeps putting me through it. Him and his computer can get married for all I care. I am nit destroying mysElf physically, emotionally and spiritually for such a loser of a lost cause. If I let it get to me then T doEsn't get to have even one parent. Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 DOT, in 2009 I lost my dad to cancer while I was pregnant with my daughter. Now I know its not the same as losing your H to porn, because your H can control his actions, BUT our coping strategies could be similar. I HAD to stay strong, because I was growing a baby. As tempting as it was to completely lose the plot, I didn't because I had someone else to think about. You do too. Be the great role model for your daughter- she only needs one awesome adult presence in her life to grow up happy. Be strong for her. Rise above this awful behaviour- for her (and for you). She needs you now more than ever since her dad has let her down. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 DOT, in 2009 I lost my dad to cancer while I was pregnant with my daughter. Now I know its not the same as losing your H to porn, because your H can control his actions, BUT our coping strategies could be similar. I HAD to stay strong, because I was growing a baby. As tempting as it was to completely lose the plot, I didn't because I had someone else to think about. You do too. Be the great role model for your daughter- she only needs one awesome adult presence in her life to grow up happy. Be strong for her. Rise above this awful behaviour- for her (and for you). She needs you now more than ever since her dad has let her down. You can do it. Thank you. I talked with another porn-addicted sexual addict who was in recovery and had been "sober" for 13 months. He said he is still not back to normalcy and that the drug that porn is, is just too heavy. It just rips your mind apart. He said that my H must be pretty low to a rock bottom but that he may even need to be the type that goes to jail. My H has been going to public places and using the wireless connection to view his materials. I found him just outside of McDonald's in the parking lot (in our car) with a blanket over his lap doing his business. He had been up all night drinking energy drinks to stay parked and do that. He had an address book of all of the Starbucks with the wireless. This had been going on for months. He's sick and I can't help him. He is too far gone. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Yeah I am 100% on board with D now. I will not keep going through this fir someone who keeps putting me through it. Him and his computer can get married for all I care. I am nit destroying mysElf physically, emotionally and spiritually for such a loser of a lost cause. If I let it get to me then T doEsn't get to have even one parent. Thank you. I talked with another porn-addicted sexual addict who was in recovery and had been "sober" for 13 months. He said he is still not back to normalcy and that the drug that porn is, is just too heavy. It just rips your mind apart. He said that my H must be pretty low to a rock bottom but that he may even need to be the type that goes to jail. My H has been going to public places and using the wireless connection to view his materials. I found him just outside of McDonald's in the parking lot (in our car) with a blanket over his lap doing his business. He had been up all night drinking energy drinks to stay parked and do that. He had an address book of all of the Starbucks with the wireless. This had been going on for months. He's sick and I can't help him. He is too far gone. DOT - I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, and it's only from my experience of living with a blackout drunk for 15 years....but if I had to do it all over again, when I was 8 months pregnant with our son...had sold everything I owned (including my rings) and was leaving him to wallow in his drinking with his drinking buddies after getting him to go to AA and my going to Al-Anon to try to keep us all together (yeah...wordy, I know)....I would have gotten in my car and never looked back. Thought I would share with you something my daughter shared with me today as she only had one parent for most of her life. "You are an amazing woman whom I have learned so much from. You have taught me to expect more for myself, to find the good in bad when I can, and you have shown me how to be strong. That's the most important thing you have taught me; to be strong. I watched you go through so many things over the years and you always picked yourself back up from whatever hardship you were dealing with. That is the woman that taught me so much about life without saying a single word to me." One day, that will be T saying that to you because you are a strong person and a loving mother. Put you and your daughter first....it will be a bond that no one can break. You are not responsible for his actions or his inaction. Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Thank you. I talked with another porn-addicted sexual addict who was in recovery and had been "sober" for 13 months. He said he is still not back to normalcy and that the drug that porn is, is just too heavy. It just rips your mind apart. He said that my H must be pretty low to a rock bottom but that he may even need to be the type that goes to jail. My H has been going to public places and using the wireless connection to view his materials. I found him just outside of McDonald's in the parking lot (in our car) with a blanket over his lap doing his business. He had been up all night drinking energy drinks to stay parked and do that. He had an address book of all of the Starbucks with the wireless. This had been going on for months. He's sick and I can't help him. He is too far gone. omfg... I had no idea it could get that bad! clearly someone needs to intervene or this will just get worse. and it can't be you, you have your hands full with your daughter! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) DOT - I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, and it's only from my experience of living with a blackout drunk for 15 years....but if I had to do it all over again, when I was 8 months pregnant with our son...had sold everything I owned (including my rings) and was leaving him to wallow in his drinking with his drinking buddies after getting him to go to AA and my going to Al-Anon to try to keep us all together (yeah...wordy, I know)....I would have gotten in my car and never looked back. Thought I would share with you something my daughter shared with me today as she only had one parent for most of her life. "You are an amazing woman whom I have learned so much from. You have taught me to expect more for myself, to find the good in bad when I can, and you have shown me how to be strong. That's the most important thing you have taught me; to be strong. I watched you go through so many things over the years and you always picked yourself back up from whatever hardship you were dealing with. That is the woman that taught me so much about life without saying a single word to me." One day, that will be T saying that to you because you are a strong person and a loving mother. Put you and your daughter first....it will be a bond that no one can break. You are not responsible for his actions or his inaction. Thank you. I am starting to feel that old grinding strength making a return. I have to work today and I have to work alone which is usually stressful as it is for me. I can't believe how much me and him relived our parent's templates. It is sick. He was raised by his maternal grandmother. Now my parents are taking an inordinate amount of interest in my daughter's care. His father abandoned him and now he is abandoning his child. His maternal grandmother was a cleaner single-mother who put together her own business to support the family. Ditto for me. My husband was the only child of his mother and now I gave just the one daughter. I feel sick. There are a lot more commonalities. I just think that it us very reasonable to assume that soon, I will never hear from him again. He will believe that he can't stop and that it is too hard to quit and be a responsible Dad and so he will just let his lifestyle eat him away. I truly think my little girl's chances if seeing her Dad are about 5%. omfg... I had no idea it could get that bad! clearly someone needs to intervene or this will just get worse. and it can't be you, you have your hands full with your daughter! Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Oh yes, There is no one left to intervene. There us simply no one. He had no friends, his parents are gone and would have had limited effectiveness. My parents sure as Hell aren't going to do it and he would tell them to go to Hell anyways. There is a bug street life just waiting to welcome him back. I think he might be a thorn in my side during the period of NC just to make a point. But that is it. I really do think he is quite lost and it is him and the laptop, all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 The truth is that my husband died a long time ago and I have been negotiating with the man that killed him to bring him back to life for almost two years. I haven't succeeded. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Hi DOT - I don't have much to offer you in terms of advice, but sending you my sympathies and hugs. I hope you find strength during these 30 days to put you and your daughter first, and to find a way out of your situation. Best of luck to you. As for negotiating with the dead: unless someone WANTS to change, it's a pure waste of time. Unfortunately. Focus on yourself because that's where the potential lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 I have spoken to 3 experts this morning including Milton Magness who wrote Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and their Partners. It is all sounding the same: he can't be reached until he gets to a place where he reaches out for it. The hope monster has been slayed. Time of death 8:18 am Valentine's Day 2011. Cause of death: pure violent exasperation. Link to post Share on other sites
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