He chose the addiction

[Duckduckgoose]

Psoriasis isn't so bad in all cases. I have a spot of it on my lower back. My father has it also and it does not flare up for him very much. It did for a while and it was horrible but something he did got it under control.

[dreamingoftigers]

Psoriasis isn't so bad in all cases. I have a spot of it on my lower back. My father has it also and it does not flare up for him very much. It did for a while and it was horrible but something he did got it under control.

 

My father has an insanely bad case of them.

 

OK Loveshack, I have lost a lot of self-respect due to my poor handling of this whole situation.

 

I have not thought clearly through most of it and feel completely lost.

 

Everytime I felt discomfort I have tried to pull my husband very near to me, I have also isolated myself, I have also pulled strings everytime I felt scared. My own pattern has gotten out of control and I keep dragging others into it.

 

If everyone could please, kindly give me the first 5-10 steps of what I should be doing RIGHT NOW considering I need to stabilize my own situation and heal from the hurt, anger and fear. I also need to give my more loving/caring feelings some breadth and be able to deal with the grief from those too.

 

The basics folks, please give me the next 5-10 steps and make them BASIC.

 

I need to start small and have things make some sense, I am so tired of lving an insane and depressed life. I can't believe I fell apart like Chinese Hardware after everything that I have been trying to work on lately!

[dreamingoftigers]

Tonight I really need some extra support and most everyone I know has gone to bed.

[michaelhopes]

P.M. sent....

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you very much I greatly appreciate it!

[dreamingoftigers]

Chrissakes, this whole 2 year long situation has exposed every single fear and trauma for me. I have just been reactive the whole time. Everytime something comes up I am super-super reactive because I am terrified. I feel like I never get to prepare for what is coming next, much less be able to look at the bigger picture.

 

I just keep trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together without even considering what I am shaping them into. I really just need a week's break from EVERYTHING. I would like to go to a small B&B and just be by myself. No kid, no business, no groups, no addictions and no tenants etc. Even no LS for awhile just to calm things down.

 

I have been reacting so poorly that I would rather have had my husband cone home in his broken and unhappy state just to go through the cycle all over again, just to put the pieces back together for a little bit so that I could make sense of everything, but we are both so unhealthy right now that we just end up retraumatizing each other. It's very draining and up and down.

 

I have had a HUGE fear that if he doesn't pick up the pieces with me then all is lost. The truth is that the way we are living isn't sustainable at all. I used to be okay with myself and now I get the shakes and have health issues. I spent the last two years feeling like everything about me was wrong as a wife and mother, and if course my husband whose mind has been polarized by addiction reinforced all those insecurities.

 

My template from childhood is this: if you aren't quite up to par, you will be ignored followed by being emotionally abused. If you abandon someone it us the worst most rejecting terrible thing you can do. My father was so afraid of anyone leaving him or abandoning him that he controlled everything by being a miserable aggressive person that would never leave you alone. Or he would toss you aside like total trash and if you tried anything to be close to him, he would attribute the worst intentions to it like " you are only saying that you care so that I will buy you stuff." It hurts and it's messed up.

 

I notice these traits in my own relationship. I have extreme difficulty cutting someone off for "poor" behaviors. If I do then that means that I am tossing them away like garbage, that I am abandoning them and telling them that they are useless to me, that I don't love them. Any sign of them rejecting what I believe in or what I believe to be appropriate means that they are rejecting me and will probably throw me away.

 

You wouldn't believe some of the little things that upset me in the core and make me hyper-vigilant about being left.

 

My husband will often attribute the worst motivations to my more caring and effort-filled actions. For instance, last week I went to surprise him and try to spend time with him. He interpreted it as me spying on him or trying to catch him (this was not my intent whatsoever). To me with my template it says "look how deeply I care for you, you treated me like crap and I still show up to let you know that you aren't abandoned and are in fact special."

 

When I caught him at McDonald's he accused me of spying on him and that I was out to get him. Truth is, I thought he had redeemed himself and was nit having an affair after all. I never expected to see what I saw and it shocked me. Not only did I not expect it, I expected something completely different! I wasn't there to do a "blame and shame" on him at all, I went there to talk to him about going home so that he wouldn't feel abandoned.

 

In fact, with my screwed-up template that was how my mother showed that she loved my father, she never left his side and took all of his crap. When she would say verbally that she cared for him and cited examples " I e you treat

me crappy and I am still here." he would tell her that it was all bull**** etc.

I actually have this tendency too. I would often say to my husband " you are only here for T or because we have a business, aren't you?"

 

There is an overwhelming part of me that believes that no one could just love me, especially if I am not taking care of them, professing my hurt over their unloving actions, or eating their crap with a spoon. No one will love me unless I am an outlet for them to treat poorly, act disappointed in and ignore at will. No one will stay by me unless they have certain license to do as they please. It's a wrong and unhealthy assumption, but those are my core feelings.

 

My husband's template is equally screwed but in the opposite direction. He had the mother that was so overbearing it was suffocating, the nagging, the mood swings, the utter dependency. She would call him out of bed to shut off her light. Any decisions that did not fall in line with what she wanted were shamed and discounted. "If you have feelings, you better hide them and go along with what I say. My feelings are #1!" "You can't hang out with those people, you go to bed extra early, you are an embarrassment, what would the neighbours think?"

 

Both mine and my husband's "rebellion" was trying to live our own lives and the reward for making our own choices was being tossed aside and made to feel unwelcome, guilty or like we owed something to our parents.

 

He grew up seeing that the way you love someone is to hide your negative feelings, not deal with them. That way your insecure partner feels secure and won't let you know what a "loser" you are. My husband avoids his feelings through sexual addiction, and some food addiction. Before that it was alcohol and avoiding the constraints of a typical home life, which I am site triggered memories of his mother's shaming. I allow my feelings to overwhelm me and

then I eat to take away the discomfort.

 

Lying for my husband also allows him not to deal with the feelings and it could also function to provide me with the illusion of security. He told mr repeatedly that he lied to me because he didn't want to hurt me. And sure I would have been hurt, I may even have ranted and put the pressure on to stifle and "change" the truth. Uncomfortable yes but the lying was like taking out a huge high-interest trust loan. You sacrifice the short-term discomfort for the long-term lack of trust AND discomfort.

 

Me blasting my overwhelming feelings (which to me with my screwed-up template is actually a huge sign of love) is an attack to him, it means that he is controlled, stifled and told he is worthless.

 

With my screwed-up template: my father being so "hurt" by my mother's seeming indifference and him pouring his heart out to her and telling her all about his horrible childhood was how he showed he loved her. The fact that he showed her his hurt he was over her showed her how much he cared about what he thought and felt.

 

In my case sending my husband the " I am so totally devastated" packages told him: "you are the biggest piece of crap on the planet, and I am going to treat you like garbage or toss you aside unless you fall in line."

 

Ironic really: in my case I am basically saying "please stop, it hurts and I will love you forever." He hears "you are not lovable."

 

I may lose this relationship free and clear, everything remains to be seen but at least I may be able to bury my parents patterns before they bury eveything precious in my life.

 

It sucks though.... I know that we have both loved and liked each other deeply, I wish the Magical Healthy Pattern Fairy would just touch us both on the head and we could figure it all out.

 

 

Oh yeah, my mother never did anything around the house either except warm the couch when Oprah was on, and my father is/was a workaholic. ****.

Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dreamingoftigers]

Holy crap, long post....

[UnsureinSeattle]

Honest question- no judgement given or implied...

 

... Did you tell him all that? I mean, if you can't bring yourself to tell him these things, even printing your post (or an edited verison, whatever) out and giving it to him to read might go a long way.

 

It does sound like you've made kind of a break thru in regards to your actions and how he perceives them (and vice versa) which is good. Really positive.

[elaina]

 

If everyone could please, kindly give me the first 5-10 steps of what I should be doing RIGHT NOW considering I need to stabilize my own situation and heal from the hurt, anger and fear. I also need to give my more loving/caring feelings some breadth and be able to deal with the grief from those too.

 

The basics folks, please give me the next 5-10 steps and make them BASIC.

 

Dreaming of tigers,

 

I love your screenname! The picture of you and your daughter is beautiful too.

 

Here's my advice. Take it or leave it:

 

1. Look up a women's shelter in your area and call them. Set up an appointment with the director or a person who is not a volunteer. At the appointment, pour out your heart. Ask them if they can help you in any way, with a support group they might know about or anything to help you through this rough time. Specify that you don't need protection from your husband, but you are in need of help to make it without him, because of his issues. Don't be afraid to wear your emotions on your sleeve. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Hopefully, they can help. Specifically ask for help concerning childcare and getting a job. See if they can help or if they know anybody who can.

 

2. You have faith in God, yes? Go to a place of your faith and talk to a leader. I think women leaders would be better to talk to concerning this. Again, pour out your heart and ask for help. Again, see if they can help concerning childcare and getting a job. You never know if you don't ask.

 

Communities are important because people thrive much better when working together and helping each other. Now is your turn to get help, and someday, you will be able to help those who are suffering what you are going through. But right now, I strongly advice you to seek help from people either in humanitarian nonprofit organizations or faith based nonprofit organizations.

 

Don't put it off. Don't question your relationship with your husband or your hope for your husband and you to work this out by yourselves. Get that search engine working and find those women shelter/help numbers, make appointments, do the same thing with any faith organization you like, and pour out your heart. Ask for help. People helping people is good. There is nothing wrong with it, and again, someday you can help people. Do this for you and your daughter, so you can get on your feet and not be on such a pain-jolting roller coaster. You can do it!!! So open that search engine and look for numbers!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

Ironically one of the times I felt quite loved was when he started monitoring my Internet history and went through my email. Most people may feel a sense of violated privacy or hurt maybe because their partner may not trust them.

 

I was feeling "oh wow, he's so into me! He wants to know what I am really thinking/feeling."

 

He might have been thinking: "I don't trust this crazy bitch, she's always trying to get me, so I'm going to find out what she's been hiding. I hope she doesn't realize I've been checking this. She's going to be so pissed."

 

 

Kicking him out was so so brutally hard far me. When I left home after my Dad tried to kill me, both of my parents guilted me about it and about calling the police on my father to the extreme, for YEARS!

 

Leaving home was the ultimate rejection to them and yet they made sure I felt unwelcome there for years, and for years after I left. They brought out the big guns to oppose my marriage and my wedding. They treated it as if any if my life choices were simply to hurt or reject them ( which I now realize with their own screwed-up templates that that was how they showed they love me, that's so messed!).

 

So by kicking my husband out I felt that although it was something that literature, my therapist and group had recommended as a way to reinforce a boundary, that I was doing the most rejecting, unloving, brutal thing to my husband and completely undermining his trust and sense of security.

 

I think he respected mr for throwing him out and didn't have an issue with it, even though he slept outside in the cold (and I mean damn cold that week).

 

Ironically enough, me trying to convince him to cone home and give another chance served two functions: I guilted him similar to the way my parents guilted me. He actually told me that he was happier without the conflict and was dedicated to getting himself healthy. I brought out the big guns to get him to come home because what I heard was: "I don't believe you live mr enough to want me home, you rejected me and I hate you that's why I am not coming home."

 

I was gutted. Partially because I left my home to safe my sanity, I didn't do it to hurt my parents. I did it because things were too crazy there. Also I hated them because they treated me like crap and let mr know that I was responsible for hurting them in every way and that it was my life-long duty to fix the problem and make them feel better, which they never would.

 

So my husband wants to leave our home: probably because he thinks things are too crazy ( or I am too crazy) and maybe he hates/resents me somewhat. He also wrote me a very nice email today letting me know that he loves me. It really touched my heart that he is reading the book on optimism that I gave him. I am actually quite proud of him for getting so far in it already and listening to the message. I hope he gains a lot from it.

 

But the main thing is that he probably wants to be able to breathe and be able to deal with his own problems instead of having to deal with all of mine too and feel like he is under a microscope.

 

Why didn't we listen to each other? Why didn't he believe that I would lay off if he took the initiative to show interest with me? Why didn't I believe that he would show interest in me if I showed that I had faith in him to work out his own issues?

 

The key to that is in the past as well...

 

My father is a dreamer who makes big promises that he can't/won't live up to.

My husband is that as well. I think that they both mean well and want people to like them. But the reality is the follow-through is often not there or it isn't as much as promised.

 

I suspect that my husband merely had to say the right words to placate his mother's mood swings. Often when I would ask him the sane questions over and over and over he wouldn't know the answer to them or he would serve up some story expecting the conversation to be over.

 

I remember that I asked him to plan out a nice laundry system with me nit long ago because we generate a lot of laundry between our personal stuff, work clothes and rags for the business. He tried to just play nice and placate me even though I could tell he didn't like my idea. Then he thought the conversation was done.

 

I actually drew a flowchart of what our laundry system looked like after we were supposed to be "done" our conversation:

 

Lots of laundry----->THEN A MIRACLE OCCURS------>everything is clean and put away

 

With my template I didn't just want any of my ideas rubber-stamped and let's get on with it. I wanted my thoughts to be considered, different ideas to be mulled over and then we could select the best one. I love talking and planning, it makes me feel close to someone to put something together as a team. I felt very close to my husband building out business together. I think he may have placated me on so many things about it, I may have been way too forceful.

 

The unhealthy part if my template refused to simply be placated or receive an incomplete answer, my template isn't patient. Patience leads to discomfort. Anything less then total undivided loyalty is no loyalty at all, but it is rejection.

 

That does not mix well with an addict. An addict's loyalty will be divided until he is sure or he is forced to choose. I would question every little tiny thing until I could prove rejection, and then be hurt by it all over again. Because to me: to be hurt by someone you love and then to show them you are hurt but you will still keep taking it is the ultimate gesture of love. It kept my parent's unhappily together for over 30 years. My mother didn't appear to be hurt practically ever.

 

I thought that my husband wasn't hurting either and I couldn't understand why he "couldn't take it" why he couldn't deal with me "torturing myself." wasn't torturing yourself over someone's disloyalty the greatest live of all? Judging by my parent's relationship there was one hurting partner and another who wasn't hurt but didn't really care too much either, but my Mother always got her needs met and knew my father "loved" her.

 

In my case I subconsciously thought I did my husband a great and terrible favor, I became the Hurt Partner. Look at what I was doing: I took the crappy part of the relationship do that he didn't have to! The ultimate self-sacrificing love! I was a great spouse, wasn't I?

 

Not really. I tried the only things I knew how.

 

I didn't trust what my husband was asking from me because it all looked like rejection. Independence and the space to work out his own issues as a man looked simply like he did not love me anymore. So I became more hurt, more guilting, more smothering and more determined. Are we only spending 23 hours a day together? I will show you that I love you 24!

 

And so the addiction and condition that was already there got worse under pressure. It became everytime I walked out the door, or went to sleep or when he went to the store.

 

I am not to blame for his addiction or the choices he made with it, but it became something we were both married to. Me trying to show hurt and anguish and trying to get him to stop, him trying to hide it deeper and deeper. It was bound to come to a header.

 

If it wasn't porn it would have been booze, or drugs, or gambling, or shopping, or musical theater. Who knows? I truly believe that addiction is conflict-avoidance at it's finest, and so often is adultery ( among women anyways, they seem to tend to blame their partner for unmet needs).

 

We never believed each other on what we needed because we both came from houses of promise-breakers and liars.

My father rarely kept a promise, my mother never held a standard. My mother dropped me into my grandmother's care at 3 months old. She lived with us. My grandmother stifled independence and never let her children (including my mother, and later myself) do anything for ourselves. My mother once started doing her own laundry and my grandmother used to go rush to take if out of the bin and clean it before my mother could get to it. Helpful in one way, damaging in another.

 

My husband's biological mother lost him at six months old, the first abandonment. His foster home was going to adopt him and at the age of 3 he was taken from them because his grandmother thought it was more important for him to have his family.

She is someone that says one thing and does entirely the opposite while emotionally storming you. She also stifles, guilts and demeans. This isn't to say that she does bit genuinely care for my husband or others but I am merely discussing the more damaging elements of her personality that affect my husband.

 

So who are my husband and myself? We are liars and promise-breakers. We tell each other how we are changing and what we will do to change and how wonderful it is going to be. Then we don't. We look at each other and say, "well you didn't x,y, and z."

 

(although I fully have been doing a ton of self-work on the last 3 months and my honesty is one if those things I have been striving for heavily, it is hard to be honest when there are so many things about yourself that you are embarrassed about and when you know that you are probably going to hear your vulnerabilities tossed back at you during an argument, or even just a day to day criticism).

 

Harder still is when you try to break the cycle and make the change but you only get 10% there and then we tell each other: "10%! you promised 100, you are a _____."

 

Or when I have tried to be level-headed and agreeable and then my H will test me and test me and test me (usually by ignoring me or invalidating me) until I produce that cacophony of emotional responses that justify his avoidance, reinforcing the proof that I am not to be trusted.

 

We see rejection from each other constantly. Our childhoods were full of rejection.

 

Oddly enough it seems so counter-intuitive the most absolutely loving thing that I could do for my partner is to love myself, stop hurting over his own busted template. Grow, change and stop trying to help him, fix him. Show him that I support his choices and have faith that he will work things out in his own life. Treat him like he knows what us best for him and our family too.

 

This isn't to say not to set healthy boundaries to protect ourselves and our daughter. It simply means that we stop showing each other that we think the other is a "loser" when neither one of us feels that way.

 

That epic novel being said, I am going to reach more towards my own independence and worry about my "relational worthiness" later.

 

I don't want my child thinking and feeling the relationships are made up of a "rejector" and "rejected."

 

In this case there is one person "in the wind" so to speak and there is another learning to live and live without being in pain all of the time.

 

To the above mentioned, the "why's" of why we are the way we are, are not excuses to behave however we please. In fact it means that we as adults have much more to take responsibility for, with fewer resources. It also isn't necessary to know the "why's." the part that is the most important about that is that the "why's" show how we had good intentions for the most part towards one another but that we couldn't see the damage we were doing to each other.

 

I am going to do the 100 items on the "clean sweep" list to the best of my ability. There is s website called betterme.org

 

I think a lot of those items hold the key to self-confidence.

[dreamingoftigers]

Honest question- no judgement given or implied...

 

... Did you tell him all that? I mean, if you can't bring yourself to tell him these things, even printing your post (or an edited verison, whatever) out and giving it to him to read might go a long way.

 

It does sound like you've made kind of a break thru in regards to your actions and how he perceives them (and vice versa) which is good. Really positive.

 

Thank you,

 

I'll put it this way.... He has gotten tired of the "Dreamingoftigers makes a revelation, My H lowers his walls to come back and try again, I back off for a little bit and things go nicely, then I start testing by talking about things I agreed not to talk about or doing things I agreed not to do, he starts getting agitated and then we have a blowout and he wants to leave Cycle."

 

I think we are both tired of just hearing more words words words. The smallest credible actions would bring more credit to the situation.

 

Plus my H is fully aware of my LS activities. He did read many of my posts while he was away ( which surprised and flattered me). If he has the wants to know my latest personal revelations, he knows where to find me. Chasing him down or emailing him the latest "relational revelation" would simply be disrespectful of his choice to "clear his head" of our circumstance (as I perceive it). I will not be tracking him down or contacting him unless he initiates contact first, gives the green light to reach out to him when he trusts I can be consistent, or if there is any urgent child or financial business to be discussed.

 

He didn't ask for this, I offered. Simply put: talking at him for hours about "how much I care and I have figured it all out" isn't what he is asking for right now. It's not like he'll never find out, I just don't need to barge in and announce it. I have also stopped tracking him in pretty much every way. He is going to be 33 in a couple if weeks, if he wants some space he can count on me to respect his choices. For the first time EVER!

 

I also never censor myself on LS because I believe that bouncing personal relational ideas on here has given me tons of insight and guidance. I know that the tone of my posts has changed dramatically in the year that I have been on here.

 

Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming of tigers,

 

I love your screenname! The picture of you and your daughter is beautiful too.

 

Here's my advice. Take it or leave it:

 

1. Look up a women's shelter in your area and call them. Set up an appointment with the director or a person who is not a volunteer. At the appointment, pour out your heart. Ask them if they can help you in any way, with a support group they might know about or anything to help you through this rough time. Specify that you don't need protection from your husband, but you are in need of help to make it without him, because of his issues. Don't be afraid to wear your emotions on your sleeve. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Hopefully, they can help. Specifically ask for help concerning childcare and getting a job. See if they can help or if they know anybody who can.

 

2. You have faith in God, yes? Go to a place of your faith and talk to a leader. I think women leaders would be better to talk to concerning this. Again, pour out your heart and ask for help. Again, see if they can help concerning childcare and getting a job. You never know if you don't ask.

 

Communities are important because people thrive much better when working

together and helping each other. Now is your turn to get help, and someday, you will be able to help those who are suffering what you are going through. But right now, I strongly advice you to seek help from people either in humanitarian nonprofit organizations or faith based nonprofit organizations.

 

Don't put it off. Don't question your relationship with your husband or your hope for your husband and you to work this out by yourselves. Get that search engine working and find those women shelter/help numbers, make appointments, do the same thing with any faith organization you like, and pour

out your heart. Ask for help. People helping people is good. There is nothing wrong with it, and again, someday you can help people. Do this for you and your daughter, so you can get on your feet and not be on such a pain-jolting roller coaster. You can do it!!! So open that search engine and look for numbers!!!

 

Thank you for being so supportive! It actually helped me to realize that my situation is not the worst ever and that I have a few more things going for me that I have taken for granted.

 

If the situation here was what I think you perceive it to be, then your advice would be spot-on!

 

Here's a little more with me:

 

1. I have a counselor but I have only seen her once in the last little bit. I will try to go again soon.

 

2. I am part if two support groups, one for Sexual Addicts (I think I maybjust be compulsive though, hope that that isn't denial) and one for spouses of sexual addicts. I have a sponsor in the spouse's group but my SA sponsor doesn't have time to sponsor me, plus she lives quite far away (way out if the city) so there wouldn't be much contact. She is also the only other female member of SA in Calgary so it may be awhile until I have another sponsor. Plus I may be switching to SAA.

 

3. I have a job, more or less. I still have the framework of the cleaning service that myself and my husband built. Right now I am working with a great friend of mine, she gets that I am having to adjust to a new circumstance as well.

 

4. I have excellent childcare too! I am so pleased that my daughter has been able to stay at her dayhome and keep her little friends. That is such a bright spot in my life.

 

Thanks for replying to the 5-10 steps post!

[dreamingoftigers]

I had one final way to see what was up with him, an error on his part. I let it go. I now have no way to know except for what he might choose/choose not to tell me. I am completely unhooked.

 

I feel very alone.

[heartshaped]

I had one final way to see what was up with him, an error on his part. I let it go. I now have no way to know except for what he might choose/choose not to tell me. I am completely unhooked.

 

I feel very alone.

 

You aren't alone. I know it's hard, but try to remain strong. Take this time to work on yourself and to improve your life. Focus on what you have to do for you and for your lovely daughter. Things will start getting better. It just takes time.

[dreamingoftigers]

And ridiculous amounts of effort!

[dreamingoftigers]

So I have been trying to leave well enough alkne and make reasonable attempts to fix up my life. I have not been contacting him except for when he contacts me, etc.

 

Then today my tenant tells me that she saw him yesterday at the Superstore at 9:00am. A few blocks from home....

 

It just threw me off a little. I mean, if he was going to pop over to home then why not do it? And if he is avoiding home then why go to that one right there?

 

It's hard not to be tempted to ask what he is doing and how hd is doing because we used to share little things all across the day. Politics, news, ideas about others, nutrition etc. Now I see things or hear things that I might want to share, and there just isn't really anyone special to share them with. Knowing that he is back in town compounds this a little.

 

But the fact that I have been focusing on work and starting the "clean sweep" has kept me going. I am proud of what I am doing and that I am doing it to partially be a better, more self-reliant Mom for my daughter. She is the most beautiful, special child in the world to me, and I am going to give her all that I can.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am also not going to go down to the Superstore tonight in case he is around that area because if I am around and he sees me, he will probably figure that I have gone looking for him. Truth is, I am tired if being a mere spectator in my husband's life. I have my own to watch out for.

[dreamingoftigers]

Obama isn't jack

 

??????

[dreamingoftigers]

In honor of my 2000 of so posts, I have decided to start partaking in some new interests for the time being. Loveshack has been very good to me for the past year or so, but there are done different things that I want to try out and I will be going NC until I have.

 

Plus if my husband and I do want to work out our relationship ever, there have been tons of resources on what steps to take. Ball is in his court, and I have a life to enjoy either way. I am going to pick a forward moving direction until there is an indication otherwise.

 

Life's too short to be stuck waiting around forever. If you don't have a goal, then get one, right?

 

Thank you so much for the support everyone has given me, I hope things start working out better for so many of you that are in relationship turmoil. Either way, it won't last forever and chances are tomorrow will be a brighter day!

 

I am counting on being at least 30 lbs thinner by the time I break NC!

 

I believe that patience, faith and kindness will see me through to a better

future with less pain and conflict, as well as greater clarity and sanity, whatever that may be!

[Duckduckgoose]

Obama isn't jack

 

Of course he isn't a "Jack", his name is Barack. It rhymes but not the same thing.

 

I like your other posts Jersey... especially the "nnnnnnnnnnn" and my fave "chicken sucks".

[dreamingoftigers]

An anonymous source has agreed to pay in full for my husband's treatment. They have agreed to pay for a cutting-edge proceedure in fighting addiction, four sessions of aftercare, transportation to the clinic in British Columbia and back as well as whatever else is needed.....:bunny:

 

The only piece of the puzzle is what will he choose to do?

 

And I must say that I stand amazed. And grateful no matter what the outcome. This is the best chance that he has ever had!

 

Of course if he chooses no, then he can go **** himself.

 

But we'll see.

[dreamingoftigers]

He did choose to commmit to the plan of action and he will get the ball rolling tomorrow.

 

Good for him.

[trippi1432]

That's good news DOT!!

[denise_xo]

That's wondeful news - I hope he invests everything he has in that opportunity. But even if he doesn't, I know you'll be fine.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks thanks.

 

There was some screwed up stuff last week and I delivered my final ultimatum on that. I said I wouldn't put our family through one more day of him avoiding treatment and that it wasn't fair to me or his daughter. I gave him 24 hours to do one verifiable step towards treatment or I was done. He had gone incommunicado with me and two people that I know ( one roommate and one of my father's employees) had seen him in town. He then contacted me after a bit saying he couldn't remember his new email password and dud I have a way into it. I just reset it using his security questions. I did it on my iPhone and so it popped me into his inbox. It actually showed the a wireless connection account update and the address he used it at (a Second Cup location).

 

So I knew he bought another laptop. He was living in a rental car, has not paid anything for bills yet, avoiding me and hus daughter while saying "I am on the way to treatment." I totally had enough.

 

He said he would let me know in 24 hours. I said it didn't work that way. He had 24 hours to make the step, but he had to choose before he left. Yes he avoided, yes he tried to delay, yes I was accused of being pushy/controlling and having issues. Truth is if he wanted it that bad, he could have it and I wouldn't have turned around. Not ever ever again. I never drew my line do sensibly harsh and to be honest, I didn't even want to give a final ultimatum. I do realize that this is a brain function problem but I seriously just came down to my wit's end. I am sure that many people with mental health issues have brain function problems and that their families are supportive, but when a person actively chooses to not get their ass into some kind of treatment everyone else's life shouldn't go into a long, drawn-out rollercoaster of false hope and lies. If addiction ever enters into my life in any form, I will nuke the mosquito long before anything like this happens again.

 

I simply told him that I wasn't negotiating with his demon anymore. 24 hours. And yes I even acted like a nut, but at the end of the night me being a nut or not was not the choice in question. I refuse to put myself and my daughter through this waiting game anymore. He truly can be addicted as long as he wants but I will not be waiting for him on the other side of it if he goes back.

 

He told me that his step would be booking an appointment for the next week or two. I told him that that was a step for the next week of two. Not for the next 24 hours. He tried to explain that he was doing his thing until he could afford to get the treatment. How ****ing ridiculous! Okay then...., so you are just going to keep cheating for the next couple of weeks, well that's just

fine.

 

And no Hun going to treatment in the distant future and purchasing a laptop and website access today are not on the same path. :facepalm:

 

(they need a facepalm emoticon!)

 

He did go to a meeting a bring me back the chip. I let it go for a bit and he came back into town on the Sunday. He told me that he threw the laptop out. (I have heard similar things before, whatever). He's not the type to throw $400 in the garbage. I just let it slide.

 

The next day he told me that he deleted all of the files off of the mini-laptop (the McDonald's one). Then he said, "not before I loaded them all onto the newer one, which in didn't throw out and is in the back of the car." This was the first time he had ever actually come to me and been honest about it.

 

I accepted it and he cried and I didn't pressure him about it. Later that evening he brought both laptops out and factory restored the newer one and was going to leave them with me but I really didn't want them in the house.

 

The last two times I have seen him he has been swept and trying to be near us etc. He talk a lot about our family etc. And seems to be looking forward to treatment.

 

I am just hanging back because although he seems more promising then before, the false hope and promise fairy has made too damn many visits to this house and he has a lot of work ahead of him, and thousands of invitations to quit trying. And unfortunately stupid excuses and lame justifications always outnumber good and healthy reasons.

 

I do know that if he wants it and figures that out for certain then nothing, absolutely nothing will stand in his way. And quite frankly I won't settle on anything less then a healthy environment for my daughter ever, ever again.