trippi1432 Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 DOT - Sweetie!! Hugs!! You have done all you could....even more. None of this is your fault, the addiction was already there. I couldn't have gone through half of what you have been through with my exH's addictions...you are so much stronger than I ever was. In time, you will see this was not something that you could do anything about other than what you have already have...you stood by him to get healthy. The owness was on him to do that. Addictions are hard DOT...so hard to live within. I just told someone the other day that if I could have stripped off the drinking, the gambling and the childhood dysfunctions, the biggest issues in my marriage would have been picking up his underwear and putting the toilet seat down...easy issues to resolve and not worthy of divorce. All of those things were within him to fix...not something I could fix for him. Know this, his therapist's job is to make HIM feel better...perhaps not quite fair to you. You have a boundary and it's a healthy one for your emotional well-being, for you and your daughter. Don't you ever feel bad about that. You are a strong, beautiful and resilient sweetie...your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you to look up to. Huge Hugs!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 No matter how hard we try, the decisions, actions and intent of those we're bound to effect us greatly. How could it not? Sometimes that's good, but not for most of the people here. When wrong is justified, it just makes the suffering worse and twists the person being wronged unnaturally. Second guessing and depression are real issues DOT. Everyone goes through it. When past events or reasoning is rewritten the intent is to shift blame or confuse...making you feel guilt and suffer though whatever it is over and over again. The only way to combat this is to focus on the reality and to (emotionally/mentally) move away from the source of the problem. That's easier said than done, and the constant battle is exhausting. Isn't it? Bottom line; what choice do you have? Do any of us have? Selfish or damaged individuals somehow just expect others to continue on; to be capable of taking it because they cannot. After all, if you REALLY loved them, wouldn't you want to? That's more blame shifting and manipulation. No one can stop you from feeling what you're feeling, but the only recourse you have -any of us have- is to forge ahead. It does help to have a shoulder to lean on though. Maybe that's the beauty of discussion boards like this; to help each other through. You certainly do your part! Hang in- Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 DOT- I have seen how you have applied love, clear & careful thought, and generosity to others on this forum. It's time to apply that same love to yourself now. You deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I don't drink but my kid just saw Daddy around all last week and she asked about him last night. He tries to say I play victim a lot. But I just can't get through this without seeing that wrong has been done to me. This was wrong. This was very wrong and avoidable too. He actually tried for four days out of treatment. After all of the time, money, effort and affection put into this: I was worth four days to him. Not a great exchange on two years. This isn't what love is supposed to feel like and I am sick of feeling this way and sobbing like an animal alone in my room. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Just like I thought. He grabbed his backpack from the garage. He's in the wind again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) T's birthday is in five days and I don't know if he will show up for that. I am sure that he would drop a present or a card but I am not sure he would actually make an appearance to her. Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I'm so very sorry. I don't comment often, but I have been following your thread for some time now and you have truly given this your all. You have tried and tried and tried to be the best wife and mother that you could possibly be. It's just not in him to do the same, not right now anyways, not when he can't seem to face and defeat his personal demons. I wish the best for you and your daughter and I hope that the two of you can both come out of this without too many battle scars. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I feel like asking you for his therapist's contact details and asking her if she's really from this planet..... To say her PoV is blinkered and insular is being too respectful to her complete inability to grasp the true state of things..... Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 DOT I was sorrry to read that you've finally came to the end of the road, but in all honesty I cannot say I am surprised. To say you gave him all the chances he deserved is the understatement of the decade. You really did everything you could. You will survive, you will thrive, there is not one single question of this in my mind. Good luck, you have friends, use them if you need them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi everyone, Sorry I haven't popped up and been more responsive lately. I have had a lot, a lot going on with me and my family. Personally I have been doing much better and feeling a lot more confident about my life in general. I have also been attending church more often and taking part in the activities. My daughter is also doing really well and is growing up so very fast. She us already saying little sentences like, " I want that." "what's this?" "all done" etc. I am very proud of her I have committed to improve my life by 1% every week. I know it seems small but I am not going to rush everything and have none of it stick. The changes I have made do far (especially walking every day between 0.5-2.5 hours per day) have really improved my quality of life (except for blisters LOL). I miss a lot of you guys, I just needed a little break from focusing on all of the relationship troubles of the world. They get pretty overwhelming. And I got overwhelmed. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) Hey DOT! So happy to hear that you are doing better. Keep up the good work on focusing on the important things, you and T. Hugs! Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Oh, DOR! I've missed you! I hesitated to make any connection because I knew you were going through it, and I thought it best to let things be.... And I'm so happy to hear you're doing so well, and everything is so positive!! Love u hun! We all said you were strong and determined and hey, look at that! We were right!! * rapturous standing ovation, add cheers!!* Link to post Share on other sites
Craig2425 Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Dot. So glad to hear that you're doing better. I like that you are taking small steps at focusing on your life with having a lot going on you don't need to overwhelm yourself. Stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 hey DOT i was just thinking about you. glad to hear from you ..even on your own thread lol. glad youre doing good and popped in to say hi. youre missed too. i think we all get familiar with each other even from our disadvantage points. its so understandable to get overwhelmed with troubles and then get busy to keep them from weighing us down....and then of course to rise up, again. walking is good . it can be a little stress buster, plus getting out is good, period. anyway all the best Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Hi DOT, I was wondering where you were - glad to hear that things are moving forward! Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 {{{hugs}}} to you, DOT. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Great to hear you're doing better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamingoftigers Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hey folks, Just wondering who all is around. I am so glad and grateful for all of the support each of you wrote up since I last appeared here. I am going to be popping in more often, I just couldn't handle looking over other folk's stuff for a little bit and needed a break. I miss my friends on here! My living situation continues to be him upstairs and me downstairs with parenting days for our daughter. Things have calmed down quite a bit (with the exception of a few arguments). He finally went back to work. He has found a job he really likes that he seems proud to be at. That seems to help quite a bit. I have to look for work myself but for the time being I am still cleaning for clients and slowly getting things together to rebuild. I am still improving my life 1% per week. It's been hard exercising and lifting weights so much and I have not lost an ounce. I actually put on about 5 lbs, and then it slowly came back off. I do notice that my shape is changing a fair bit, so I hope it us muscle. I can really move and speed along now. Plus my arms are really strong. I hope I don't turn into an Amazon woman! I have been able to cut back on a lot of sugar and should start seeing the numbers change soon (I hope). Being more focused on my health and body has really pulled me through this. One day my husband decided to cone for a walk with me in one of my favorite trails. He had to run to catch up LOL. Here in Alberta you need to be separated for a year before you can divorce. Unless there is some REALLY compelling change in circumstance, I will be filing next April, hopefully with some savings. At that point I should be a great deal healthier and having moved my life in a much more positive direction. I realize now that all men aren't like my husband and that I don't have to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage if I so choose. I have already had an increase in male attention since I began exercising and I really do believe it us because of my improved posture, skin, and the fact that I started regularly wearing makeup. Onward! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 God, you're phukkin' marvellous, you really are.....! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 God, you're phukkin' marvellous, you really are.....! Agrees with Tara on this....{{{Hugs DOT}}} Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Agrees with Tara on this....{{{Hugs DOT}}} I third this! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I was wondering how things were going for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
change Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 So happy to hear this, DOT. Please don't be a stranger. I think we'd all like to continue hearing updates on how you're progressing. Link to post Share on other sites
amy999 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Dot- I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey here! I have been reading your thread for hours today and it motivated me to sign up here and post because I can relate to a lot of what you have been going through and your posts gave me some clarity that I appreciate. It's great that you are feeling good about yourself, moving forward in a positive way for and with your daughter, and learning to cope with what you cannot change. As I read your thread I kept typing up notes to post and then your situation would change! At this point I am not going to try to impart any unsolicited words of wisdom or advice, I just want to thank you for sharing this personal experience. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 i am so happy to see you are making positive changes and moving forward! be proud of yourself! stay on the positive path. Link to post Share on other sites
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