He chose the addiction

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi again everybody!

 

I am having a hard time. As much as the rest of my life has become *mostly* manageable, the conflict here is wearing me down. We had a huge blowout last night which was 80% my fault. I even broke a glass. I just need to 180 and stop falling into these situations and letting my emotionality and hurt carry me away. I have decided when I am stressed to call one if the help lines instead of trying to reach out to my already overwhelmed and distanced husband. We shame each other and then it turns into this whole push & pull thing as we get more stressed. I just need to completely backburner this relationship and the end/reconciliation of it until I have a better handle on managing the conflict. Because we have a daughter together I need to be better at managing conflict no matter what the outcome of our marriage is.

 

I may be posting up here for help and ideas to go the 180 route. Not to "get my spouse back" but to improve my own coping skills and repair shattered parts of my life without fearing interference. I could really use some support and guidance.

 

Here tend to be my weaknesses:

 

I will pick him up from work (it is a long commute),

I will take him for poutine or buy groceries for both of us (he does this too).

Often I will invite him to sit and watch an episode of The Office online because I know that this is an activity that he likes so he will do it and by being calm in a space with him for awhile, it gives me the chance to try to resolve conflict. Now really this means that we are not sheerly enjoying each other's company as I have a relationship agenda (thus actually makes it sound a lot more harsh then it actually is.)

 

Truth be told though I have had a relationship/apology/reconciliation agenda that has blinded me from being able to even enjoy or gave fun with my husband or even see if it is possible. Every date is like a ratings game and strategy, it is very wearing and I guess right now at 3:00 am I just realized that I am not as healed and detached as I thought I was..... Frustrating.

 

Everyday I debate whether or not to go or stay and I do a little pushing to repair things. Every single day. Then often I won't respect a basic boundary when I get stressed and pissed off and it blows any progress we might have made. The whole thing is just so damn stressful. I keep trying to find that magic key or magic sign that shows me I either can't take anymore or that I am fed up with it OR that everything is going to be fine. It isn't going to work like that. I just need to let it slide for now and work on managing the rest of my life and let him figure it out too. Without 6 tons of pressure on both of us. I never get a good answer from him under pressure anyways.

 

So I am going to ask again for support to help me re-focus on me and my life. And my daughter's (because she's so wonderful). Thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

So since I last posted I have been able to refocus again. My last post made it sound like I had spent the last couple if months pining away and trying my heart out and that isn't really the case. Recently I fell back into the old cycle a bit. I have been backpedalling ever since because I don't want to go bank to those dark, sad places anymore and I certainly don't want to follow my husband in his journey to Hell.

 

I have backburnered the relationship overall for now. I just want to get moving on the rest of my life. A close friend and I may go away for a weekend this month. It would be such a nice break.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks,

 

I have really wanted a break for so long. I would love to go for a week in September or something to the mountains and hike some of the trails, just clear my head and get myself together.

 

This living upstairs and down thing really isn't working and it is pushing all of my damn buttons!

 

I've gotten really tired of the "relationship" altogether. It isn't healthy and he isn't doing anything to change his end of things. I won't live with him the way he was, I don't know any women that could and be happy.

 

Everything else in my life is becoming much more manageable and happy. I don't need the extra stress anymore. I feel sad for my daughter because I can see how a split would impact the way that she experiences a great deal of her childhood. Being a single parent means that if he goes for joint custody she gets to see us half the time that she normally would. It also means that certain fun times and activities get clipped. For instance tonight I needed to do some cleaning so she had to come inside with me instead of being able to play outside because there was no second parent that could be outside to watch her. As well today after working out I actually needed a nap and had to drag her with me to bed (she's 2 and gets into everything). Induvidually I am sure that she isn't traumatized for life but these little things are cumulative.

 

I guess the change won't be completely overwhelming, I have already had lots of experience on my own and he isn't here as often as he used to be. He kind of acts like he's "not welcome."

 

It's close to 12:30 here and he's still out. This isn't even abnormal anymore.

 

I am actually looking forward to my life changing however that happens. Whatever it is, it will be more fun, more laughs then this.

 

I am also pretty excited to be rebuilding my business and changing some of my financial picture. I have also scratched the surface of going back to school. My daughter and I have been spending more time together too, she's so much fun right now. I love the little sentences she is stringing together.

[marqueemoon4]

Keep up the positive attitude.. you'll get through this. How in the hell does your H deserve joint custody? He doesn't. Your daughter will be better for this.

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't say whether he did or didn't, but he will go for it.

 

I know I will get through this. I am kind of curious what will be at the end of this long tunnel.

[betterdeal]

What made you smile today?

[dreamingoftigers]

My daughter, she always does.

 

Today she got into my makeup. She is 2. Often in the morning when I am putting on my eyeshadow she comes up and says, "eyes!" Since she is so little and just learning her words it sounds a little more like "ice!" but it is really cute. That is her way of asking me to put a little makeup on her.

 

I don't agree with little girls wearing cosmetics and having body shame issues blah blah blah. In this case I do see a Little Miss Cutie who wants to be like Mom, so I take a little, little, tiny bit of white of light blue eyeshadow and give her just enough to feel it going on, but that no one else would notice unless they were looking for it. She looks so proud of herself and has a big smile when she "gets her eyes done."

 

Well today I didn't put any on in the morning and she decided to do it herself. She found some pink lipgloss and smeared it above her eyes. Hilarious.

 

As well, when I had my eyes closed for a blessing, she climbed up on me and tried to open them, stuck her fingers right in my eyes. LOL.

 

She is always popping out of places yelling "HEL-LO" with a big smile.

We have a balcony that overlooks the small street we live on and when people walk by she runs outside and shouts hello to them. She is so wonderful. One day this couple was fighting as they were going by and my daughter ran outside to the balcony screaming "HEL-LO" "HEL-LO." You could tell they were really awkward about that too, so funny my little one.

 

Literally everything else in my life has started to perk up, there is still some financial adjusting to do, in fact I am losing the internet today or tomorrow until I can pay the arrears. Unfortunately it is that or the electricity, the choice is obvious.

 

Hopefully I will be able to post intermittently and things will improve soon.

 

I know that I will pull through and things will be better for me and my family one way or the other.

 

Thanks so much everyone, you have no idea how each and every single response really helps. I kid you not and I am not kissing your collective asses. They have all stuck out and I pretty much have this thread memorized.

[betterdeal]

Aw, what a little cutie! Sometimes, when things stress us it helps to take a deep breath and think of something that made us smile.

 

The Internet is overrated. Radio is much better.

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL, I should get myself a ham radio. Our church was offering courses in ham radio becase apparently with our technology level now if everything was to go out, ham radio would pretty much be the only way to communicate. Our church is big on disaster preparedness. We are also supposed to keep a year's food storage. Working veeerrrryyy slowly on that one LOL.

 

I think not having internet for a little bit might be a nice break and I might be able to retouch life without it. I know it is going to be a pain but whatever, there is other things. I am trying to get my fill in now because I don't know how long I have, they said today or tomorrow, but it is on the list for today.

 

At least I get to keep my phone for a little bit. It sucks so bad when no one can get ahold of you.

[betterdeal]

Ah, but sometimes it's also cool when no-one can get hold of you. We'll all be wondering what you're up to and won't be able to find out. You can learn salsa with a dishy teacher and we wouldn't know a thing!

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL, how did you know my secret plan....

 

Back in the early days, the running joke between my H and I was that I was going to run away with the pool boy to which his response was always, "We have a pool?!":laugh:

 

I am going to be a little harder to get ahold of.

 

Still haven't been able to modify that approaching him when he gets home behaviour. Have to work on that. Crucial. Just need to snap an elastic band or something. Or blare a rape horn in my ear when I think of it. Ugh.

[betterdeal]

Prepare yourself for it. Lock yourself in the bathroom (hell, have a bath) when you hear him coming back.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have just been spending more time out, tonight I took my daughter for a play date. Went pretty well.

 

Clipped our interaction short.

 

I had specialist appointments today and when I got back from the playdate the first thing when I walked in the door was him greeting our daughter and then telling me how he expected me home earlier and that he was "done with" our daughter's late bedtime and how he had been "mentioning it for weeks."

 

I just said, "look, if you want to talk about a problem that needs to be solved, just pick a time and we'll solve it, I just got in the door."

 

So he starts with "so now I have to schedule a ****ing time?"

 

I say, "yes or at least ask me if this is a good time to talk, now I am going to take out the garbage and be back in a couple minutes."

 

Went, took out garbage, thought to myself "thanks for caring about my damn appointments or asking how my day was, ****face."

 

Then went back in and said, "The reason we are supposed to ask if it is a good time to talk about it or arrange a time is because right now I have already had a stressful day at the specialist's and the first thing I hear when I walk through the door is "here's a problem, here's a criticism, you don't want to talk about it now, **** you." It doesn't make me too receptive. Honestly it just makes me want to say "**** you" and then go to bed."

 

So he asks me how it went. It was fine pretty much. After that he listened.

We are going to talk about it tomorrow at 21:30.

 

I know that because his ADD is untreated right now (and so is mine, eep) I have to keep things kind of brief anyways.

 

Before I would have handled the situation by either co-operating with the demand no matter how it was made, or I would've lashed back. Forget it, life is too short to either take the crap or hand it out. If he doesn't want to do a sitdown to discuss living together crap, then he gets what he gets, I have been asking for quite some time to come up with a list of personal boundaries. Even tried to nail down a time. I think that boundaries sound too much like "rules" to him, so there is some resistance. So I decided that if we don't have mutual boundaries, I will just set mine and the chips fall where they may until he sets some properly too. Not my problem.

 

I am going to be out a couple more times this week, I have also come to realize that all uncertainty and discomfort that comes from changing my own behaviour is simply an opportunity to grow. Kind of like when you first lift weights, at first it is really hard and sore, then the huge soreness goes down and you accept a bit of discomfort as part of growing that stronger muscle.

 

At this rate I should be able to make it through a lot more then what I started with. I can still love with a full heart, but don't mess with me. And I also have learned that the more I protect my boundaries, the less likely my daughter is to cave on her's when she is older, therefore making her less likely to get involved with a spouse who dumps their emotional baggage on her.

 

I have also been able to greatly reduce sharing my feelings with him. This is actually a healthy step at this point since he has shown limited interest in remaining in the marriage. I often share feelings as an attempt to try to connect and feel very slighted by the responses that I get back. I just look at it now as though he is not privy to that information until he changes his perspective.

[betterdeal]

That's a great result. You stated your position, explained it clearly, gave him an alternative and it worked. You knew what you felt at the time of the interaction, and you asserted yourself.

 

It's weird how this straight talking business just works, isn't it?!? I found it weird when I started trying it, but it works much more often than all the other ways I used to deal with things. Let the future pan out as it will, and the present will be much more enjoyable.

 

I think that not sharing your feelings with him is a sign that you don't need to share them with him, because you are getting better at owning them yourself. You're connecting with your inner self better. Of the three children in the house, your concern is for the two that matter most to you (your daughter, and your inner child) and you are apportioning your energy more in accordance with that. The more what we say and do is in favour of the things that matter most to us, the more peace we have.

 

And like you said, it's all a learning process. You take yourself to the edge of your comfort zone each time and you improve a little each time. And the example you are setting for your daughter is exemplary. Your husband will also learn from it, even if not now, later in his life he will.

 

*fistbump*

[dreamingoftigers]

I recently read Taming Your Outer Child and it really has helped me become more internally connected glad it shows up somewhere.

 

I pretty much always have shot straight with him but I don't think he took me seriously because I also relied on him to comfort me (which he sucks at in so many ways). No I don't even remotely look for that. Truth be told I think he suffers from depression. Why wouldn't he? He lost pretty much eveyone's respect and his business, car, the bulk of his relationship with his wife and time with his child. All for nothing. I'd be pretty depressed if I threw life away with both hands and felt powerless to get it back together.

 

But I can't help him do that, he needs to do it himself like I have been doing. He needs to develop some maturity and character anyways. And just pay his bills. And blaming others. But whatever, he hasn't discovered what isn't working yet. And I have, thankfully but trying every single stupid thing that doesn't work.

 

It did take over 10,000 failed attempts to get that first lightbulb working Family is no different, have to fail miserably in order to figure some stuff out. In our culture most people give up too easily and finally. The marriages on here that make it tend to have one trend: the spouse who wants the help to fix the marriage stretching themselves out to new growth, trying multiple times and not blaming the other spouse completely. They use their own power to either fix their relationship OR to effectively and rationally move on without letting their spouse's baggage bite them in the ass. You can see a total difference in tone between those posts and the ones that run, hide, blame and shame.

 

I want to be strong and successful one way or the other.

[dreamingoftigers]

So it is after 21:30 and he is nowhere to be found plus he is going to miss her actual bedtime it seems.

 

This "relationship" is do stupid. I can't wait to leave someone so inconsiderate and uninvolved in the dust.

[betterdeal]

Forgive me, I haven't read the whole thread, but why are you waiting?

[dreamingoftigers]

Um, I feel sheepish, he got back just a few minutes after my post and had missed his bus and we were able to work out a bedtime arrangement which even involved him having to go to my parents house to pick her up and walk back with her in her stroller.

 

But overall why am I waiting?

 

1) Counselors saying to give a year after recovery to see if the relationship can regain a healthy dynamic. Even though the **** I have been swimming through has been going on for the last two years, H only started his recovery April 12th.

 

2) We have to live separated for one year before we can file for divorce, in-home an split rooms/floors still counts, that places the earliest divorce time at February 12th.

 

3) Financial, he owes me a ton and the only way to easily recoup that is by keeping both of our living costs down, his living here does that and makes a lot of dealings with our daughter much easier.

 

4) I want time to do my own recovery and conflict-management work. We still have to get along for the most part because we are going to be dealing with each other for a looonnnggg time.

 

5) The tiniest, stupidest shred of hope, but it has had a long, slow painful death. I am 90% out of the marriage or even giving half of a crap. Just sometimes his lack of consideration still shocks me but I don't miss his touch etc. as much as I used to and am actually looking forward to becoming physically healthier and seeking out a new relationship partner eventually.

[dreamingoftigers]

Blarg, I just can't get my prescription yet and I am so damn sluggish today....

[betterdeal]

Hey, back again. I was on holiday in Spain the past week (too hot!)

 

Thanks for explaining why you're co-habiting. When I was reading that, I felt that, as you both recover, you appear to be getting along with each other better. As though you have both found other things and people outside the marriage to help you with your individual needs, and that's taken pressure off, and so made the relationship more enjoyable / bearable. Is that right?

[dreamingoftigers]

I know this might sound lame and pathetic but I am in so much pain now and I can't handle it anymore. I can't get left alone with my kid again now, I just can't handle anything. I am vanishing and I don't care about anyone's judgments. That's it, that's all. I am never as strong as I think I am.

[betterdeal]

Physical or emotional pain?

 

You're never as weak as you fear you are neither.

[dreamingoftigers]

Bump bump.

 

Invitation to debate on my thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ah, but sometimes it's also cool when no-one can get hold of you. We'll all be wondering what you're up to and won't be able to find out. You can learn salsa with a dishy teacher and we wouldn't know a thing!

 

omg, I just went back and noticed this.

 

Funny idea but I don't want to be the next LS marriage partially destroyed but salsa dancing!