He chose the addiction

[Tiberius]

Okay, last reply. From what I can see, you've no interest in helping dot. Your point has been made of which has nothing to do with the price of rice in China, that they're still "legally" married.

 

Now go wank off or something.

 

Of course I helped her, by reminding her that she does not HAVE to be divorced, if she does not want to and does not quit, unless it is her husband who files for divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course I helped her, by reminding her that she does not HAVE to be divorced, if she does not want to and does not quit, unless it is her husband who files for divorce.

 

Honestly, thanks because there tends to be a lot of divorce pressure in general. In my thread I talk about treatment etc. In other threads I mention Divorce Busters etc. Divorce is an extreme last resort for me but if we do end up divorced and I initiate it, it will be because of my husband's infidelity and everything that goes with it like the lying.

[dreamingoftigers]

You need to read the thread before posting crap. Her husband was arrested two years ago for wanking off to porn in a public place. Lay off.

 

It's nice to know that someone is paying attention

 

In actuality the charge was: Unauthorized use of a computer signal (if memory serves). The were looking for 'illegal' materials but failed to turn anything up. The actual wanking is unconfirmed and unproven and to be honest I wasn't there.

 

Okay, last reply. From what I can see, you've no interest in helping dot. Your point has been made of which has nothing to do with the price of rice in China, that they're still "legally" married.

 

Now go wank off or something.

 

Just don't do it at McDonald's, crazed wives lurk there:laugh:

 

I thought he was one if the "porn is natural, like water" and "all guys have to

do it lest they wither away and die" crowd as well.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am just so completely fed right the Hell up!

 

I am FED UP AND EXHAUSTED AND WORN OUT AND MAD AND ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE SOMEONE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS!

 

ARGH!

 

I have tried so hard to be supportive and been trusting etc!

 

My husband found a therapist and I asked him a few questions about her and I WASN'T BEING A DICK ABOUT IT AT ALL!

 

Then I asked him about how I would know that he was actually going and he says to me: "Well that's something that you're going to have to figure

out." Jerky tone and everything!

 

So I say back (equally snarky) : I'm going to have to figure it out?

 

And he says yeah. So I am pretty shocked by this attitude and thus suggestion and I say: "wrong answer."

 

He says something else pissed off and hangs up.

 

I just get so pissed because he hung up on me twice yesterday and I hung up on him once and we discussed it etc. And as well the time I hung up on him he was being really insulting and I asked him to stop and he wouldn't.

 

I opened up my heart yesterday by text and told him how I felt about the hanging up/leaving and he texted me back nice stuff and I thought we were doing better and the hang-up bull**** was done.

 

Just the smallest ****ing thing! Just don't pull a dick move and hang up!

 

So I text him and tell him: I am so ****ing done.'

 

He texts me:I give you good news, show you how interested in recovery I am. By making all these steps and you **** on it each time. Its not good enough for you

 

**** THAT! I just lose it I text him tons of stuff while driving down Deerfoot Trail.

 

I did Not **** on it at ALL!

NOT EVEN ONE THING!

I told you I was proud of you!

I even showed A LOT OF INTEREST!

 

Then he says: when?

 

I text: THE FIRST WORDS WHEN U SAID U FOUND A THERAPIST

 

He texts: You would know if I am not going because she would be calling about missed appointments

 

What the ****ing ****? I am supposed to be spying on him now???

 

Anyways I text back: I said "that's good or great and I am proud of you

I asked how u found her etc. And if she worked with couples!

 

And he said: So?

 

And then I text: Interest I showed INTEREST!

And i never suggested that your choice wasn't "good enough"

**** that!

I even posted yesterday a little post with bunnies on LS saying I was proud of you!

And so I ask how you are going to confirm that you are ACTUALLY GOING and you tell me that it is up to ME to figure out how YOU ARE GOING TO RESTORE TRUST! **** THAT. I AM NOT THE RECOVERY BABYSITTER!

 

And then you hang up on me and punt my calls and tell me that I **** on it!

I am so sick of trying to prove to you that I care and that I am not spying on you or trying to control you and that I have faith in you and support you. **** that. No one else has been behind you more NO ONE! I don't have anything to

prove to you.

 

I am so sorry that you feel that I don't support your efforts and encourage them. I TRIED. IT'S ME THAT ISN'T "GOOD ENOUGH" FOR YOU EVER!

 

I can't do anything more for you. I did everything that I could and stretched myself waaaaaaaaayyyyy past my limit. And it still isn't enough. I am not the one who is acting like something ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!

 

 

Then nothing. Am I an *******, I am still pretty shaken but this really doesn't seem to me to be the attitude of someone that has any care for the fact that their spouse might just be another person on the planet with feelings!

 

Or I am just jumping the gun like an *******. I am pretty angry and I don't have much of an angry streak I haven't been getting angry with him about this crap in a long time but I am so fed up.

 

Like WTF? How dare he place his responsibility on me and expect me to eat it for breakfast and then act like I am ungrateful. I am so triggered and sick of having my character called out by him. Especially when he has been so untrustworthy. I don't shut on him (I am bitching here) but I feel like it. I feel like just not being there for him at all. At all. Even like "pass the salt" or like anything. You go get the damn salt yourself.

 

I don't want to give him "credit" for anything now. Whatever. Like how was I supposed to react? Backflips? Apparently "that's good" and "proud" don't make the quota.

 

Hhhhheeeeelllllooooo you cheat on me!!!!! Hhhheeeelllllooooo!!!! Who isn't good enough for the other? Who acts that way?

 

****ing Hell I am so sick of this. So ****ing sick of this.

[trippi1432]

Like WTF? How dare he place his responsibility on me and expect me to eat it for breakfast and then act like I am ungrateful. I am so triggered and sick of having my character called out by him. Especially when he has been so untrustworthy. I don't shut on him (I am bitching here) but I feel like it. I feel like just not being there for him at all. At all. Even like "pass the salt" or like anything. You go get the damn salt yourself.

 

I don't want to give him "credit" for anything now. Whatever. Like how was I supposed to react? Backflips? Apparently "that's good" and "proud" don't make the quota.

 

Hhhhheeeeelllllooooo you cheat on me!!!!! Hhhheeeelllllooooo!!!! Who isn't good enough for the other? Who acts that way?

 

****ing Hell I am so sick of this. So ****ing sick of this.

 

Hugs!!! I KNOW what you mean, but it is what people with addictions do...and you just have to become indifferent. I held my ex accountable for his actions...it WAS his problem and he had it long before I knew him.

 

Do not allow him to make you accountable for his issues...you already know that they will try to make it out to be you...mine did.

 

Oh...and TIB - $^&%&^(&(&)*_*_*_)*_)*((^%$%^# Nuff said...and I was being nice.

[Janicee]

Reading through your thread and find that your husband is not behaving worse than before. Though you hope for the better to come when he seems to go for therapy, you still have to prepare the worst.

 

Recovery from addiction is never easy. Plus there seems to have molesting traits of him due to being self-centred and imature.

 

Some posters here have similiar concern to your continued shifts in attitude towards him which puts you through hells. You have invest more than enough. Take care and curb the loss.

 

Hugggg

[dreamingoftigers]

Hugs!!! I KNOW what you mean, but it is what people with addictions do...and you just have to become indifferent. I held my ex accountable for his actions...it WAS his problem and he had it long before I knew him.

 

Do not allow him to make you accountable for his issues...you already know that they will try to make it out to be you...mine did.

 

Oh...and TIB - $^&%&^(&(&)*_*_*_)*_)*((^%$%^# Nuff said...and I was being nice.

 

I was so pissed off when I wrote that. I can't even read it!

 

I have noticed that I am having a heck of a time in the last week taking my own "Be non-reactive" advice.

 

Just so pissy that each time there are two steps forward, there is one back. I have gotten to the end point.

 

I have never told him I am through with stuff before. Lately everything has moved away from denial and sadness into really really pissed off.

 

I am not used to being an actually pissed off person. I know my posting history on LS has been somewhat snipey/complainy in the beginning, pretty passive anger.

 

I guess too that I held a lot of it in tight check because he was always so eager to bolt and I didn't want to lose him at the time.

 

Now I just look at life as something that I could manage with him here or not and I expect that if he is going to be here that there has to be a wayyy better standard.

 

But I am not going to get it by texting and being pissed off.

 

One thing that came out of it though is that he kinda got the message. I have noticed over the course of our marriage that sometimes a bonk of anger on the head seems to have more effect. Not exactly sure why. It is the exact thing that leaves me going for the door, but to him it seems to connect the dots.

 

I haven't really had to deal with raw anger before, I used to just eat it away or avoid it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Reading through your thread and find that your husband is not behaving worse than before. Though you hope for the better to come when he seems to go for therapy, you still have to prepare the worst.

 

Recovery from addiction is never easy. Plus there seems to have molesting traits of him due to being self-centred and imature.

 

Some posters here have similiar concern to your continued shifts in attitude towards him which puts you through hells. You have invest more than enough. Take care and curb the loss.

 

Hugggg

 

 

Thank you for your consideration. We seem to both be stressed over the coming treatment. Arguments have come up in our marriage but they are usually over stupid things that get dealt with somewhat quickly.

 

He said tonight that he has just been lashing out etc. He wrote me a message on facebook that seemed more aware of what he was going through. I do see more effort, loads more actually. Just frustration when hitting all of the brick walls. It just feels like everything should not be this hard.

 

Now that I have made the decision to stay (although I did text that one thing) coming to last part of this issue one way or the other is tense and unnerving. Like going over a ridiculously bumpy road.

 

I know that my mood has been shifting a lot. I also use LS as a place to vent my hopes and doubts and make sense of them, not just raw updates.

[dreamingoftigers]

Like 99% of human beings on the planet I need to learn to take my own advice

 

I realized that I haven't been taking the greatest care if myself lately mostly because I have been battling back a depression. I really appreciate the support I have been getting from LS. Thank you everyone for bonking me on the head when I need it and helping me pull myself up!

 

I realized that my energy is low because of depression/not taking care of myself and that having low energy is making me depressed! So I have to break the cycle.

 

Since a mountain can only be moved one piece at a time, I am think I will just start by getting to bed at a reasonable hour and having a nice walk or whatever in the morning. I'll do that for a few days while finishing the last of the not quite healthy food in the house. Then I'll switch that out too. I think I will start going back to my food group but I hate to take another evening out during the week so we'll see.

 

The more I don't take care of myself first, the more moody and miserable I am going to be and that will affect every part of my life especially my cute little daughter.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay so I am packing it in earlier then usual.

 

The past couple of days I have been thinking about how miserable this relationship is and how it's dreary and overwhelming and hopeless blah blah blah I might not be able to make it through his treatment etc etc etc

 

Then I remembered all of the little lessons I have learned on the way: I am responsible for my own happiness. Not him. If there is something I need, I need to give him the chance to provide it, I have to ask him.

 

He is doing pretty good, but I do think that the emotions and connection between us is dying out. There is no one to nurture it. Not now anyways.

 

Guess we can see later.

[Janicee]

In order to get a grip of yourself, you really need to handle the emotional swing first. May be consulting the medical professional to get some help. I see that there is nothing much more you can do, it is quite a last piece of leave on camel. It is his effort to show. Since the chance is dim, you had better take care your own steadiness of mood and thought in handling the roller coaster ahead. Huggggggggggggggggg

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well everything is booked now. His first treatment session is on the 13th. His first counseling session on the 8th and his flight leaves for BC on the 12th.

 

There is also a Naturopathic Doctor appointment on the 5th for trying to find better ways to work with ADD instead of Dexedrine.

 

I am just not finding the motivation to do things that need to be done around here.....

 

Just blah. I am on sugar withdrawal and the headache is pretty wicked and I just feel sore.

 

It is a little hard to keep your eye on the ball when you are tired and just m o r e t i r e d.

[dreamingoftigers]

So he will be here for the next two nights and then gone a little and then off to treatment on Tuesday.

 

I was happier to see him then I thought I would be. He's put his weight back on but his skin looks better from being outside so much.

 

It was quite different having him home for sure. We are just like two old friends and a bit more.

 

He brought me a really beautiful card, it even had embroidery on it. He had written quite a bit in it. Very thoughtful.

 

We cuddled up together and he initiated......and I turned his ass down flat.

 

No way in Hell am I going to let him back in that easy! Duh! I am not going to lie back after the act is done and be all ashamed and conflicted over what just happened!

 

I have really wanted it for a long time but since everything broke I kinda accepted that I am not going to get it anyways. But the overarching reason is I just don't want it to be so cheap anymore. Just like I get his sloppy seconds.

 

I also don't want to get too attached again and have it cloud my judgement. I also know that a ton of oxytocin will probably produce trust which may not have merit until after treatment.

 

Probably about the 3rd time in our marriage I ever turned down sex. But we still cuddled and kissed a fair bit. His kissing has gotten waaaayyyy better already. I don't think he is messing around right now.

 

It was great seeing him play with our daughter too, she was really happy to see him. She threw a temper tantrum later though when she was really tired so we had to cart her off to bed.

 

Now we are just watching episodes of The Office.

[Icanseeu]

Hi, I have been married before and it lasted 10 years of him looking at porn but now im in a partnership of nearly 4 years and I thought I could trust him but then I found the webcam sites he had been on and pics of him in my livingroom caming to all to see.I made him get rid of the profile that stated he was bi curiose and up for anything,He swares hand on heart he hasnt been with a guy but it is a curiosity and as that kills cats would never do it.He also cams to women.I found secret email accounts intitled a dirty name.I love him to bits and so do my kids and he does everything to help me round the house and garden,even fixing my car,what can i do .I have begun to hate the internet more then anyone can imagin.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi, I have been married before and it lasted 10 years of him looking at porn but now im in a partnership of nearly 4 years and I thought I could trust him but then I found the webcam sites he had been on and pics of him in my livingroom caming to all to see.I made him get rid of the profile that stated he was bi curiose and up for anything,He swares hand on heart he hasnt been with a guy but it is a curiosity and as that kills cats would never do it.He also cams to women.I found secret email accounts intitled a dirty name.I love him to bits and so do my kids and he does everything to help me round the house and garden,even fixing my car,what can i do .I have begun to hate the internet more then anyone can imagin.

 

I am so sorry to hear your pain, a violation of trust from your partner is a very horrible experience and you are not alone.

 

I will post up in the morning or early afternoon, I am just headed to bed. You do have options depending on your area etc.

 

For starters to understand there is a list of books:

 

Out of the Shadows

Facing the Shadows

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse

Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and their Partners

 

You may not be living with a sexual (porn) addict. He may simply use it recreationally. Only a specialist would be able to confirm that. Is it interfering in your intimate life? Have you found this stuff before and he has sworn it will stop? Have you both even discussed the issue and set boundaries before? Are there other trust issues in the relationship?

 

If you have a look at these books it may help you to establish whether or not this is the case.

 

Anyways, hopefully you get some rest and peace soon either way.

[updown]

DOT. sounds like things are at least heading in the right direction, re; counseling/ treatment, and your head being in a good place to turn him down, and the improved kissing. i never knew that was part of this ( sexual addiction/ porn thing). i wish i had. i also wish i had married someone that wanted to save their marriage that much. i hope this is the start of a new life for you guys. i hope that he sticks to treatment, completes it, and is new person. i hope you are able to fully heal and be the best YOU can be. you are such a strong woman! keep the faith, and keep up the great work!!

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT. sounds like things are at least heading in the right direction, re; counseling/ treatment, and your head being in a good place to turn him down, and the improved kissing. i never knew that was part of this ( sexual addiction/ porn thing). i wish i had. i also wish i had married someone that wanted to save their marriage that much. i hope this is the start of a new life for you guys. i hope that he sticks to treatment, completes it, and is new person. i hope you are able to fully heal and be the best YOU can be. you are such a strong woman! keep the faith, and keep up the great work!!

 

The bolded isn't certain but I have noticed a correlation i my case and by talking with other wives of sex/porn addicts.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I can tell that there has been a lot of damage.

 

I am very uncomfortable in my own skin around him still.

 

I also see signs of improved committment and genuine affection but there are things that still push me back (which is actually a good thing).

 

He left early today which completely flipped my abandonment trigger. I now feel pretty uncomfortable all-around.

 

Not quite sure what to do with myself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Am actually pretty pissed off again. We had a talk about what the plans were for the next week and then he was supposed to come back after his appointment to come and discuss this. He called after his appointment and said he was really happy with the Dr. And that stuff had already started and he was much more hopeful. Then we talked about tonight etc. But then we said bye and now his is ignoring my calls/texts. And I know that it is ignoring and that is his MO. So now he isn't going to be back until probably Sunday night. I have talked to him numerous times about the just ignoring me and treating me like I don't exist things. So at this point I am just going to go NC until it looks like he can be a little more genuine and consistent.

 

We had a really nice day and a bit until this entered into the equation.

[dreamingoftigers]

Part of what is turning this so toxic for me is the trickle-truthing that is happening. Part of what he has been changing is his honesty towards me, he will tell me one thing and then he will confess the truth is a relatively short period of time.

 

Today he told me about a mailbox that he got and had his pension cheque sent to. He said that he opened it 3 weeks ago and because he didn't know whether or not we would be together and trying still. But the thing is that he had me cheque our mailbox for the cheque, he said it was to throw me off the trail. So today he decides to be honest about it, out of the blue.

 

Lately if it has been a lie he comes out with the truth in a couple of minutes to an hour. Then he's all like "well I am trying to be honest and now I told you the truth." THen he gets upset if I have a reaction to it.

 

I hate the storm I am living in. I just won't really have an idea what this is going to be like until he is done his time out in Victoria.

[dreamingoftigers]

It has been a much better week so far on the workfront.

 

I have two of my old clients back that I lost when this all hit. I actually have a somewhat heavy week next week which is so important for two reasons: 1. I am going to be ass broke. 2. My H will be gone into treatment so I just need something to keep my mind off of everything.

 

I have been almost fiercely intolerant of him lately.

 

I am not sure exactly why this is.

 

I have dealt with so much crap in the last two years that one would think that I would be a little more charitable when he gets his act somewhat together.

 

I think it is:

 

1. When you spend so long picking up the pieces you forget what the bigger picture actually looked like, maybe you don't even like the design anymore

 

2. I just feel like when he is done treatment he'll be like "well I am not as triggered anymore so we can be together now and:

 

a) I really don't like you after all

b) We can have sex now, just like you wanted but I didn't and yes you are still inadequate but I am not doing anything else in the next 10 minutes and you'll do for now.

c) Everything is fine now! Why do you have to act like you are depressed or hurt or whatever, my cheating/porn crap was so 2 months ago, why don't you get over it already

d) I don't need anymore counseling or group and you can't make me

e) actually I am lying, I am just as triggered and now I have no hope and don't want our family, see ya.

f) Now you can lose your weight and work on all of your issues well I nag at you! I expect to see drastic change in the next 3 months.

g) How come you didn't do "x" when I was away? How come you didn't do "y while I was away? What did you even do? Spend all of your time posting on LS?"

 

*sighs*

 

I hate what I have gone through and have been wondering lately if finding another partner would be easier/harder then going through this process, but that is just ridiculous at this point isn't it?

Who dumps their husband less then a week before treatment? Seriously?

It must be my fears leeching into stuff.

Or maybe it is the fact that I keep asking him to do something to show care for me or our marriage and the best he does is say "I always think of stuff we could do."

 

Blah.

 

Could just be my fear of going into a healthy relationship with someone I feel pretty put-off by for the most part. I feel myself losing a lot of my focus lately and that really sucks, like I have been paying less attention to "thinking-brain" and too much attention to "feeling brain."

 

And that never gets me anywhere.

[dreamingoftigers]

As for yesterday he told me that he put his phone on silent when he went to the doctor's office and didn't remember to take it off again....whatever. 50-50%

 

One thing I do find amusing is that anyone who knows he is going away for treatment I tell them that he has a gambling addiction and that he couldn't tear himself away from the computer etc...

 

He asked me why I said that and I told him that going for treatment could be pretty negatively viewed for most of the other kinds of addictions. Plus he is a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm and there is an episode where Larry gets roped into going to an Incest Survivors Support group and he is all awkward about being there so he makes up a story about his uncle abusing him.

 

After that his wife is part of a play and the producer turns out to be in the same group. The producer recognizes Larry but won't tell his wife from where. His wife figures that he has had an affair and walks out of the play and so Larry tells her what happened but his wife cannot tell the producer because no one outside of the group is supposed to know. So they make up a story that he pretends to tell his wife that it is a gambling addiction group so she calls the producer and talks to her about Larry's gambling problem and how she is so happy he is going to group with the producer.

 

My husband actually liked the idea and got a bit of a kick out of the fact that I remembered his show. After that I nicknamed him "Kenny Rogers.":laugh:

[What_Next]

Good luck with it all DOT. I know firsthand what the impact of marital issues can have on business and employment. Both my wife and I have came close to losing our jobs as a result of being basket cases for the past year. Only now are things coming back into line again.

 

I still stick by my frying pan suggestion I've made to you in another thread

[dreamingoftigers]

LOL I run my own little business so I was able to preserve about half if my clients unscathed, since most of them are on a "biweekly" schedule. So for the Past six weeks or so it has been alternating week-to-week heavy-light.

 

It has been pretty catastrophic. We must do good work though because I would have replaced me given what has happened!

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had a very hard time coming to terms with everyting lately and the truth boils down to this, LS have at me if you wish:

 

I have been lead to believe in my time with my husband that I am clearly not intimately special to him and completely inadequate.

 

Even if he goes through with treatment I would be a far cry from what he desires (clearly).

 

Although wives of sexual addicts are encouraged to foster intimacy within marital relationships and be the companion etc to their husbands I want something more then just that "emotional connectivitiy" which is going to take years to restore. I want something more then to be my guy's "glorified friend" and "understanding wife."

 

I want to be special to my guy on a sexual level. I don't want to spend my life being woman #3289 on the desirability list to my own husband. Or like a chore. I want to actually be desirable to my mate, not someone he "settled" for.

 

I am not even sure that this is possible with men (I don't mean this as a swipe, I actually don't know if their sexual template works that way). Are men capable of feeling like their wives give them something sexually that is not instantly replaceable elsewhere? Or is that a dead-end goal to want that in a relationship? Is it merely based on visual appeal?

 

In my view my husband is 33 and therefore his views and urges etc on sexuality be they right or wrong have been set the way that they are and are not likely to flip over just "because."

 

Is it wrong to want to end a marriage because of this or should I wait until after treatment to see where we are? Or is my attitude and wish futile and immature to begin with?

 

I would really like some replies on this because it is causing me a lot of grief and confusion. I know that I don't have to make any decisions right away but I am so tired investing time and patience into something that has me so confused at this point. What is realistic?