Me and my girfriend of 8 years just broke up. need on coping

[fetish]

Hey LS, need help. I'll try and keep it as short as I can.

 

Me and my girlfriend of 8 years just decided to end our 8 year relationship as of Friday (Valentines Day weekend, ironic huh). We used to have so much fun together, go to the park, beach, San Antonio, New Orleans, Dallas, movies, and dates. She often talked about marriage and said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. So i finally proposed after she graduated college and we've been engaged for the past 2 years. Just haven't had the money for the wedding she wants and you're soon to find out why.

 

I dealt with her control issues over the years. I used to hang out with my friends and sometimes come home at maybe 10 or 11p, but i always let her know where i'd be. Sometimes she would call and I would miss her phonecalls and that would make her SO angry. Matter fact, anytime i missed her phonecalls, she'd throw a fit. So over the last few years, i started coming home, cooking and would usually be there when she gets off work at 10:30p, really because the friends i used to hang out with moved or we lost contact.

 

Now the tables have turned. She started taking that for granted. She's developed a gambling addiction and it has taken over the relationship. She often goes now about 2,3, and even 4 times a week after work. She would send me a quick text after getting off work saying she was going to the gameroom. Alot of times, she wouldn't answer the phone or my texts when i call. When i'd approach her on that, she said she didn't hear my phonecall because the phone was still on silent from work. I started remembering the times when she got angry if i missed a phonecall. A few nights, my suspicions grew and i drove by the gameroom where she gambles and her car was parked there. I wasn't surprised because i knew her propensity to gamble.

 

She already has money issues because she's often runs out of money and would use our joint account as back up. When we first opened the joint acount, we made an agreement that the joint account was only to be used to pay bills. She would take $ out, sometimes without telling me and would get mad at me for questioning her on it. Now she has this gambling issue. I tried talking to her about 2 weeks ago. I told her i don't mind if she gambles but just keep it in moderation and don't let it control her. I warned if it keeps up, i'll be leaving. She kind of acted like she wasn't taking me serious because the last time we broke up about 3 1/2 years ago for a different issue, we decided to work it out a week later. Well that conversation ended in her agreeing that she'd cut back and i asked her if she could keep a limit on the gambling to maybe once a week, because her coming home from gambling at 12:30a and 1:30a was unaceptable and it was driving us apart. She gets off work at 10:30p and heads straight to the game room. She said she would control it. Now, 2 weeks

later, she's already gone 4 times in one week. This past thurs night, when she came home, i approached her and i was angry. I gave her an ultimatum. She said playing the slots is theraputic for her and doesn't like me trying to stop her from doing it. She said she doesn't see it as a problem and said she would cut back. I asked her if she could give a limit number on the times she'd go per week and she couldn't give me an answer.

 

She always bluffs us going our separate ways whenever we get in an argument, but usually that's to try to deflect the fault away from her. Sometimes she'll storm out the house and come back 30 min later and act like nothing happened, but she doesn't really talk things out. She seems bipolar. This time i told her, if you can't control the gambling then it's not going to work. We both agreed to separate and she moved some of her clothes out and went to stay with her girlfriend she goes gambling with. She says she wants to stay friends but she didn't leave the key to the apartment. She left alot of her clothes and said she'd be back for them.

 

I think this is working out for the best but i'm still hurting like hell. I miss her ( at least the old her before the gambling took over). Nowadays, it seems like she lives to gamble and it's going to get worse. I'm doing the NC thing for right now. I've gotten in some debt with her over the years. I made the mistake of cosigning her a car a few years ago (and yes it was before the gambling took over and we had plans of getting married). She was keeping up the payments very well until last month, she was late. That's due to the gambling. My phone that i've had for years where all my job contacts and people know me by, is under her employee plan because she works for verizon.

 

Does this sound like one of her ususal bluffs? I'm pretty sure that i don't even want to work it out even if she tries unless she comes to an agreement, which she hasn't shown me she's willing to do. I just feel like such a sucker. I started conforming to what she wanted, and then she I was taken for granted. But now, this gambling she's let take over. I know its only been like a day but does it sound like she's going to try to come back? She said she still wanted to remain friends but i don't think friends after break up is good right now. What if she calls? Should i even answer? I want her to know what she messed up on. I need help on coping with this. Any help would be appreciated.

Edited February 13, 2011 by fetish

[mustofbeen]

You said you don't want to work it out, so just leave her alone, don't talk to her, nothing. It's been 8 years, she hasn't changed, she is never going to change, so just let it go. Think of it this way, instead of working out with this girl every day, you could be seeing some other girl that you are a lot more compatible with that will treat you much better. Those girls exist, they are all over the place, it might take you a day or many years to find one, but at the end it'll be worth it.

[timchambo]

well you say you don't want to work it out. Sounds to me like you don't mean that, why else would you post here and wonder if shes bluffing? If you want the old relationship back then she would need to stop the gambling. If she calls I would talk. Its only been 1 day. I would try to get her some help for this addiction and offer her your support. If she doesn't want that then walk. 8 years is a long time and a lot to let go. I just lost a RL that was over 7 years. I also still go through moments where I feel I would want her back, but in the end she done me so wrong I know I would never.

[fetish]

well you say you don't want to work it out. Sounds to me like you don't mean that, why else would you post here and wonder if shes bluffing? If you want the old relationship back then she would need to stop the gambling. If she calls I would talk. Its only been 1 day. I would try to get her some help for this addiction and offer her your support. If she doesn't want that then walk. 8 years is a long time and a lot to let go. I just lost a RL that was over 7 years. I also still go through moments where I feel I would want her back, but in the end she done me so wrong I know I would never.

 

Thanks mustofbeen and timchambo for both of your replies...

 

I'm posting on here because i'm in pain and wanted some suggestions on how to cope with the breakup. Afterall, it has been 8 years and we had a lot of good times together but the gambling has spiraled out of control and she gets upset at me when i mention it. I do wish it had worked out and that's why I still wonder if she's bluffing. But at this point, i don't think its healthy for either of us for us to be together. If i ever did decide to reconcile, it's almost like i'd be giving her permission to take me for granted and start doing what she wants again. I'm sorry, i gotta have some self respect.

 

She did text me yesterday morning and asked me how i was and if i was going to church. I didn't reply. She texted me again that afternoon and asked me how i was and if i was going to ignore her forever. I finally replied this morning and informed i was doing ok and wished her a happy v/d.

 

I'm not going to lie, i still care for her deeply, but her tendency to overdo everything and lose control to gambling turns her into a monster. She has a temper and when we get in arguments, she'll always say alot of hurtful things and threaten breakups to try to intimidate me off her. I told her i'm not one to be threatened and i guess she didn't believe me. Now that she's mellowed, she seems like she's trying to soften back up to me and i don't want to fall for that again That's why i say i gotta have some self respect.

 

Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated... Thanks in advance.

Edited February 14, 2011 by fetish

[depplover_1980]

Fetish, what is your living situation? How much in contact are you still wiht her? How many close friends/family do you have around you could utilise for support?

[broken-and-lost]

get a lot of sleeping tablets a good gym run hit a punch bag a lot cry to friends, what ever you do no matter what go NC NC NC you won't but trust me you will wish you had never break it ever............ good luck

[fetish]

depplover_1980. we were living together. she still has the key to the apartment and most of her things are still there. i still have 6 months on the lease and wish i could break my lease now and get out of there. I feel i'm going crazy. I have my dad and grandma here and some cousins and uncles i don't see that often. Me and my recent ex got to the point where we were our best and only friends. Last week this time, i had no plans of this happening, and we had plans on doing something for valentine day.

 

broken-and-lost so you sugest the NC route? i was trying that and that's when she texted me yesterday to see how i was. I know i have to keep playing it but today i did finally respond to her as i explained in my previous post.

 

As she was moving out on friday, she said we could still do something for valentines day because both wouldn't have valentines. She texted me this afternoon saying, "do u still want to do something for Valentines day or is that ridiculous?" As hard as it was, i responded: "ridiculous". She hasn't texted me back ever since and i'm not sure if she will.

 

I'm just so confused, i know she's a trainwreck waiting to happen and she has anger issues, but we were together for 8 years! That's almost 1/3 of my life! How does anyone get through this?

[fetish]

well just an update. my ex texted me yesterday and asked me if i still wanted to do something for valentines day or if that was ridiculous. I texted her back and said: ridiculous. She was really talking about dinner or something. She never replied back.

 

There's a co-worker of mine who knows about the breakup and everything that led up to it. She agreed that my ex is selfish and wants to be able to do what she wants to do while she has all these rules that i have to follow. I told her the story about the text message and she kind of sided with my ex. She said your ex still loves you and was hoping you'd say yes. My coworker then said, "It's valentines day and she probably doesn't have a valentine. you can give her one last romance." I felt even more guilty because it was hard for me to tell my ex: ridiculous.

 

So i called my older brother and told him about that. He said he would probably go ahead and send her something for valentines day, but he did say that was him and i needed to make my own decision. He said he would only do it just to remind her what she let go. I went ahead and took his advice and as soon as i got off work, i delivered her some flowers and said:" Happy valentines day and i wish you the best." She texted me an hour later saying: "Thank you for the flowers but i thought you said it would be ridculous?" I texted her back and said, "It was valentines day and i just wanted to give her one last surprise". LAter on last night, she texted me" Can we still have sex?" I thought we could do a break up sex and replied" sure, friends can have benefits."

 

I think i'm headed in the wrong direction with this. I know suffering through the gut- wrenching painful days of NC is the way to let it go. At this point, i pretty much know I couldnt be in a relationship with her again because she's selfish and would blow me off when i tried to talk to her about our relaitonship struggles. She got to the point she didn't care and wanted to do what she wanted. The night i tried to talk to her about the gambling, she said "You ain't my Daddy! She tuned me out and even said "I don't care about this issue you have!" She told me this even after i told her it was putting us in jeapordy. She left the house the next day with alot of her things. She always storms out of the house for a while when we get in an disagreement, only this last time, we both declared it was a breakup.

 

The crazy thing is, i know what she's doing.I know she still cares for me but at the same time shel just wants to have everything her way and is used to me caring about her. She claimed she loved me but i've been feeling for a while that she was taking my love for granted. I told myself that i'm not to put any feelings in to this girl and have this break up sex date, put it on her real good and move on. 8 years is a long time. I think the girl knows i'm a sensitive guy who cares for her and just wants me to beg her back and we will eventually go back to being a couple again. That's not going to happen. I just want to remind her on what she let go because of her denial of her problem with gambling.

 

Please love shack, i need more replies? This is very hard and painful.

Edited February 15, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

She texted me again late last night saying she's hurting real bad and has a lump on her stomach and hopes its not cancer. What's that about? I didn't reply.

 

 

I just lost a RL that was over 7 years. I also still go through moments where I feel I would want her back, but in the end she done me so wrong I know I would never.

 

so timchambo what exactly happened between you and your ex if you don't mind my asking?

Edited February 16, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

anybody else who cares to chime in, please? feel free!

 

I'm in a bad way right now and L/S ususally is pretty helpful. I need some more replies.

[Rose T]

Fetish it's so hard coming out of a long term relationship - I've just come out of a five year one - but the early NC is really important. You may need to communicate that you are going off range under the circumstances but you need to go NC for a couple of weeks if you can. If you can make 21 days I find that your head starts to clear.

 

The longer you keep texting, if you have sex, meet up etc it will prolong the agony. Can she take her stuff out of the apartment so you can both enforce the space that you need? There are some huge red flags in what you've said and if she doesn't want to change she never will. It's too big a difference in your outlooks.

 

I know it hurts, but if you defer the break-up now it will happen anyway further down the line. You have to go through with it and you have to hurt now to help the future you. We've all been through this and it's so hard and painful to let go of that contact but it's the only way. Use Love Shack and surround yourself with friends and family. Good luck. x

[fetish]

Thanks Rose T. Your words mean alot!

[cmoney]

Hey,

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I wish I had the magic words to tell you that would take the pain away but I do not. The best thing I can say is that you have to bear-down, grit your teeth and let time pass. I will not even say that "time heals all wounds" but I think that I can safely say that in time it will not hurt as bad. You may never truly get over this break-up but you might begin to be able to live with it. In the mean time, try to keep yourself busy to take your mind off of the hurt.

[fetish]

thanks cmoney. i've been trying to stay as busy as i can but my energy level isn't really up there. there was a day i wasn't really even able to eat so that meant decreased nutirents to the body. That can definitely enhance the depression. I went to the gym last night and i felt a little better.

 

I don't know guys! Was i asking too much for her to put a limit on the gambling? All i asked her to do was put a number limit on it the times she would go out of a month but she couldnt. Her first priority became going to the gameroom and it wasn't like we really got to see eachother that much anyway because we worked different shifts. By the time she got off work, it would be almost bedtime for me. Plus, i found out she fell behind on a couple of car payments that she promised she would keep up after i cosigned her a car back in 09. She didn't even tell me! She was doing good on the payments before she started with this frequent gameroom/gambling.

Edited February 16, 2011 by fetish

[fetish]

well just a quick update: she texted me today and asked:

 

do you not care about me? u don't reply to my text. u act like u want nothing to do with me. I see how it is. I give you my best years and this is how you repay me.

 

L/S. It kills me to put her through this. This is my 3rd day of NC and its been killing me but it hurts me even more that its killing her too. I still deeply care for her. It's just that i feel that she brought all this on herself and me. The night before she moved out, she was ignoring my requests about the gambling and she said that she didn't care. She tuned me out and avoided me by going to go sleep in the guest room. I told her that if you don't care then that means your love for me has died. She didn't even reply or try to convince me otherwise. She turned over and went to sleep. I knew that night that our relationship was over.

 

I may be too a nice guy but now she's hurting and I'm tempted to break NC and give her some words of comfort, even though i don't see myself going back to her reckless and carelessness. I still want her to know that i care for her, even though i don't trust her to ever go back to being a couple.

 

I need help. Should i still keep the NC going for a while? It's not like i can avoid her forever because my name is still cosigned to her car. She also has basically all her stiuff @ my house, as well as the key. Her name is also on the lease and we have 6 months left.

[fetish]

<bump>

 

any thoughts on my previous post? what's your guy's take on the message she texted me? I havent responded to it BTW.

Edited February 17, 2011 by fetish

[holly4u]

make sure you guys can come to an agreement before you get back together!