loveforever Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I've read a lot on LS last night and couldn't sleep a lick.... Ex-husband came home from work at 6:45 am and I just had fallen asleep.... Before that I thought about my future.... I will be living with him and our sons (in his house) for a while..... Ex wanted me to get an apartment first, but when the finalized d-papers arrived he told me he loves me and he doesn't want me to move out.... My first initial thought was he wants to reconcile (which he said would be a definite possibility in the future)....but for a month now nothing in his attitude really has changed....he's nice and sweet with me, but no "I love you"s, hugs or kissing.... And I can't take it anymore..... I can't move out (debt).....so I have to deal with it at home.... So last night/this morning I decided today will be my first day of my 180 !!!!!!! It'll be a moderate one because I can't promise not to have sex with him.....I enjoy it too much.....but I will not be - snooping (used to check his office, car, etc. for phone numbers or hints of another woman) - making comments about possible other women - ask him "What's wrong" if he seems to be in a weird mood - texting or calling him unless it is about the kids or an emergency and I'm sure there will be more things I can think of, but those are my major mistakes I make when interacting with him.... I will start going to the gym regularly again..... I will work on being a better housewife (always wanted to be one )..... I will go do things for myself like going to the movies.... I will make sure I always look and act my best when around him.... Well....we'll see how it goes.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Messed up already ..... A young girl knocked on the door....I didn't open....just watched (too many solicitors lately).....(ex-husband sitting in his office, didn't hear knocking).... After some minutes girl walks off, gets into car which is parked at neighbors.....car turns around and parks right in front of our house..... A woman in the driver's seat pulls out her phone..... I say to ex "There was a young girl at the door for you"....ex: "For me ??? What makes you think it was for me ??".....me: "I know it wasn't for me because I don't know her"...."She was Hispanic and is on the phone right now, so you might want to check your phone.".....ex: "I don't know anyone around here especially no Hispanic women"...seems really annoyed now..... It's soooooooooo hard not to make these comments !!!!!! Ok....new start !!!!! Maybe I have a better shot at it tomorrow....he's got in-service and won't be home until the evening...less time together....less time for such confrontation..... Link to post Share on other sites
Albertan Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Oh dear....... Don't let your imagination get the better of you! You have your own life to live and let him go about his without worrying about what he's doing. Easier said than done I know. You can and will do this. Believe that and believe in yourself. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Forgive me for asking- but why the hell are you still living with him if you're divorced? And what's all this about doing the 180 and hoping for reconciliation? What's the background story here? I thought divorce was the end of a relationship and I don't understand this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Forgive me for asking- but why the hell are you still living with him if you're divorced? And what's all this about doing the 180 and hoping for reconciliation? What's the background story here? I thought divorce was the end of a relationship and I don't understand this thread. I was going to move out, but after divorce was final he changed his mind.... Divorce doesn't mean that everything has to be over period....people sometimes make decisions and later realize it wasn't the right choice or that they haven't 100% detached..... You asked for the story.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3244726&postcount=7 It's very long, but I can't just throw you bits and pieces to form an opinion....it's too complicated..... Link to post Share on other sites
Albertan Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Holy mother of I don't know what. WTF?!?!?! Like the pair of you...........I think I read that entire thing with my mouth gaping open. Now he doesn't want you to move out? I do not even know what to say......why didn't he move out? That is truly one of the most astonishing stories I have ever read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Holy mother of I don't know what. WTF?!?!?! Like the pair of you...........I think I read that entire thing with my mouth gaping open. Now he doesn't want you to move out? I do not even know what to say......why didn't he move out? That is truly one of the most astonishing stories I have ever read. I would laugh if it wasn't so sad .... Anyway.....it's his house....he and he alone is paying the mortgage and I would never expect him to move out.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 (edited) Wanna go downstairs soooooooo bad to see what he's doing (computer).....but I'm not ....I'm being good !!!! It's hard, but I'm going to get better at this.... Detach.....detach.....detach.....detach..... Edited February 14, 2011 by loveforever Link to post Share on other sites
optimisticgirl Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Hi loveforever. i feel like you and i are the same person, with the same man. i do all of the things you do...pretty much to a T. how are you doing with detaching? Do you feel like every time you try to pull away...he comes back and gives you a reason to stay? Are we both hoping for miracles here? I'm having a hard time focusing on my own life. He has been my life for so long... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 Hi loveforever. i feel like you and i are the same person, with the same man. i do all of the things you do...pretty much to a T. how are you doing with detaching? Do you feel like every time you try to pull away...he comes back and gives you a reason to stay? Are we both hoping for miracles here? I'm having a hard time focusing on my own life. He has been my life for so long... Yesterday was a much better day.... I came home at about 6 pm....he just got home before me.... He asked me what we're going to eat for dinner and so we decided together..... I was nice and friendly, but not chatty.... After eating I got onto the computer and left him alone....he was playing the Wii with the boys.... I brought the boys to bed while he went to take the dog for a walk.... Then I took a shower, got into bed and watched a movie....fell asleep shortly before he came to bed.... In the morning I woke up playing footsie with him.... When he was in the shower I went to make breakfast for the boys and he then came into the kitchen... He's not a morning person, but he asked me why I'm up already....we chatted for a bit and planned dinner for tonight..... This is soooooooo not like him.....it was really nice.... I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm trying to just notice, but not over-analyze (like that's easy)..... But one thing that I can't get out of my head is what happened February 3rd..... I had to fly overseas that day and the cab was picking me up at 6 am..... E. (my ex) got up with me....I said "Just go back to bed"....E: "I'm already up"....so he followed me around a bit and when the cab pulled up he gave me a big hug (me holding on to the suitcases).....as he let go I pulled away and saw that he was about to give me a kiss....at least that's what it looked like..... I didn't react.....so he said "Have a save flight"..... That was soooooo odd....he hasn't kissed me in forever..... Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Just read your story. What came across loud and clear was all the effort you were putting into your marriage. But what is also clear, is that your ex is not making any effort to change. Why is this? Surely a relationship needs both people to work on it ,to improve things. Do you really want to live your life according to his dictates? Break free, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Just read your story. What came across loud and clear was all the effort you were putting into your marriage. But what is also clear, is that your ex is not making any effort to change. Why is this? Surely a relationship needs both people to work on it ,to improve things. Do you really want to live your life according to his dictates? Break free, my friend. I really don't know what he should change ?!?! He's been a great guy throughout the marriage....nothing much I could complain about....petty things..... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I really don't know what he should change ?!?! He's been a great guy throughout the marriage....nothing much I could complain about....petty things..... I think you need to take a closer look my dear!!!!! Don't let your feelings for him blind you. He has a role in this and from reading your story, a pretty big one! It happens all the time, Me and my ex-wife were no different. During the whole ordeal I never saw her role and believed every little flaw she threw at me and set out to fix it. As it turns out everything was right out of the walk away spouse handbook, and it took a long time to see what she had become and the true reason for the breakdown. Sad thing is it will take her even longer to see that. Be honest with yourself, hes not here reading this and its the only way anything can be repaired, if you carry the blame yourself, it will never end! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Loveforever...I literally had to take a couple of days and five pages of notes to get through your story...WOW!!! I'm going to start on my last thought and work my way from there...you stated in one part of your story that your ex husband has been honored in the community and is well thought of by his peers, friends, etc. He is a perfectionist, can be stubborn, is in therapy for PTSD and is in MLC. HIS therapist has informed HIM that YOU will not change and he refused MC when you requested it. When he makes a decision, he sticks to it and follows through regardless of the outcome. Also it was stated that you found naked pictures of a women who befriended him on FB recently and she was someone he was involved with prior to your marriage...he showed you the texts and you believe him that it was nothing. He also resents that you were lax in going back to school so you could help brighten the family's financial picture when the opportunity was present when he was in the service. And lastly, he divorced you so you would become the strong, beautiful woman that he always knew you were....and now he loves you..but....marriage is just a piece of paper and this can work out if you want it to....is that about right on your story? Whew!!! It appears you have a very passive nature with your ex husband, and are hard pressed to point out his fatal flaws that you have issue with...rather you sweep them under the rug. Whether it is because you allow him to do this or have just become conditioned to it or been brushed off that he is perfect and you should have no complaints...he seems to be very controlling. Perhaps not in an aggressive way, but more in a passive way and perhaps more as a parent in the relationship by the way the background reads. Based on some other items noted, he seems to respond to you more favorably when you do the unexpected as you noted in the 180...doing things for yourself..not coming to bed at the expected time...being your own person.....these are things you need to continue doing for you. Understandably, you have some jealousy now not knowing where this stands being divorced and living under the same roof....still sleeping in the same bed...my goodness!! Yes, you need to detach because this is more of him treating you like you are his child rather than an equal partner. It is perfectly fine to see the good in a man but see the flaws as well...you can still love them in spite of them if there is truly more good than bad, but you do need to take off the rose-colored glasses to get there. Question...I could not find anything in your story about this, but are you seeing a counselor at all?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Be honest with yourself, hes not here reading this and its the only way anything can be repaired, if you carry the blame yourself, it will never end! TOJAZ But for things to get repaired don't both have to want to work on the relationship ?!?!? Right now....as he said he can't make any promises....he is not at the point yet, where he would see a future for us.... I believe he loves me, but he needs the reassurance that things have changed for good, and from what I read it takes people at least 6 months or more to believe that changes are permanent..... Maybe if he sees the consistency in my actions and his feelings towards me become stronger again, he is willing to work on our relationship together....and maybe by then I've had enough and moved on.....I don't know.... It sucks for me now to be me, but I understand his hesitation too..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 It appears you have a very passive nature with your ex husband, and are hard pressed to point out his fatal flaws that you have issue with...rather you sweep them under the rug. Whether it is because you allow him to do this or have just become conditioned to it or been brushed off that he is perfect and you should have no complaints...he seems to be very controlling. Perhaps not in an aggressive way, but more in a passive way and perhaps more as a parent in the relationship by the way the background reads. Based on some other items noted, he seems to respond to you more favorably when you do the unexpected as you noted in the 180...doing things for yourself..not coming to bed at the expected time...being your own person.....these are things you need to continue doing for you. Understandably, you have some jealousy now not knowing where this stands being divorced and living under the same roof....still sleeping in the same bed...my goodness!! Yes, you need to detach because this is more of him treating you like you are his child rather than an equal partner. It is perfectly fine to see the good in a man but see the flaws as well...you can still love them in spite of them if there is truly more good than bad, but you do need to take off the rose-colored glasses to get there. Question...I could not find anything in your story about this, but are you seeing a counselor at all?? I put myself in his shoes and thought about our situation....me working in a straining and dangerous job only to support our standard of living....and me being the only one paying all bills....my husband making debt, not helping much around the house and letting himself get fat and such and not sleeping with me enough for my taste......thinking about me having to live like this for at least 30 more years.....would I want this ??? No....definitely not.....would I have threatened divorce....most likely.....would I have gone through with it.....I'm not sure.....probably..... The changes my ex had asked for weren't anything stupid.....they were things that should have been a given (housework, taking care of myself) and things that he knew I sooner or later would have needed and wanted (new degree and better paying job)..... I could have gone to school for free through the Army and already have had a better paying job right now, but I didn't do it.....I was too blind to see what he was trying to accomplish..... Yes, he should have sat down to help me deal with money.....but he really had no idea until we were trying to get a loan for a house that I was in debt that far.....he didn't even know I had a credit card.... In a way, yes....he was more in a parental position than a relationship....I have to admit it....I'm very immature and I am trying hard to become more mature.....I'm 37 for crying out loud..... No, I'm not seeing a counselor for myself....I do not want to spend that money and I honestly am taking a lot from these boards....I can't see how he would tell me anything other than what you guys advise me to do here..... I'm trying hard to detach....but it's difficult....maybe it get's better with time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Update from yesterday.... Again...we came home later than usual....so we had fend for yourself night (dinner).....I've made dinner for the boys and me while he was taking a shower.... Then I did get onto the computer.... I told him I had to go to the store real quick and since it was time for the boys to go to bed I asked him to start on that already....he did and when I came back he was almost done, so I took a shower, hopped into bed and watched a movie.... He went to take the dog for a walk and by the time he came back I had already fallen asleep.... In the middle of the night I woke up to him cuddling and holding me....not in a sexual way....just cuddling.... He did so all night until I had to get up in the morning.... Maybe 180 really works.... I can't tell for sure yet, but I like what happened so far.... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I put myself in his shoes and thought about our situation....me working in a straining and dangerous job only to support our standard of living....and me being the only one paying all bills....my husband making debt, not helping much around the house and letting himself get fat and such and not sleeping with me enough for my taste......thinking about me having to live like this for at least 30 more years.....would I want this ??? Not being appreciated for the non monetary contributions you bring to the home, having to look over your shoulder at everything you do, having your body critiqued as you age, Feeling pressured to make love more then you desire, would you want this???? These are the things that I'm talking about Loveforever! Your needs matter just as much as his! Take that from someone who figured that out too late! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Not being appreciated for the non monetary contributions you bring to the home Him not appreciating me making and hiding huge debt, doesn't mean that he never appreciated the things I did do for the family....he did.... having your body critiqued as you age He never critiqued me for it....he knows his body is not perfect, but while he was doing something about it, I didn't.... He asked me to join him, going for walks etc. which would have benefit me twice....I would have done something for my health and for my marriage....but I said "No thanks".....he never told me I was fat or anything though.... Even now, he doesn't say it.....he never made me feel fat or not beautiful..... I'm saying that the letting myself go is an issue because I can't imagine him being as attracted to me as he used to be.....does that make sense ?!?! Feeling pressured to make love more then you desire That's the thing....I did not really let him pressure me into it..... I did it sometimes just because I knew he wanted it, but most of the time I just did not do it. period.... And I have to say....now that I lost weight and I have more energy I am enjoying it more than in a long time....and want it a lot again..... The first 3-4 years we've done it all the time.....I wanted it just as much as him, but it seems that with every lb gained, my desire (energy !!!!) went down..... All in all....his complaints about me were/are things that I either wanted myself or that were/are beneficial for me but I didn't see it.... Now I do....he opened my eyes....even though I hate the way he did this..... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You hit every line but the most important one. Its the one that says that your needs are important too! Your playing a lot of defense on his behalf and thats fine, I did too, go ahead and look up my old threads, but as someone who's been here and has watched theses stories unfold many times, I'm telling you to take a closer look. heck, take a closer look at your own posts, try and read them as if they were written by someone else, what advice would you give you? Sure he had your best interest at heart, and yes maybe you like the changes you've made, but what makes it different???? HE LEFT! Theres a big difference "Dear I would like more time with you what can we do about that? I wish you would have come to me with the debt but we;ll figure something out? and You've but on some weight dear and im concerned for your health!" That wasn't his response though? His became I want a divorce, and then went through with it. Marriage is a partnership, I've typed that so many times I could find the keys in the dark with ease! Two people working together, deciding together, building together! I read your posts here and i see an awful lot of what your trying to do for him, so what is he doing for you? Right now he has all the benefit of a wife with none of the obligation and your more then willing to give that to him and defend him with your last breathe, and sounds like he is more then willing to let you. The 180 is about showing them what they will be losing as well as helping you detach, I'm sorry Love4ever but your doing neither. I hope that doesn't sound too blunt, but i only say that because it does sound like there is a real chance here and i don't want to see it pass by. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 You hit every line but the most important one. Its the one that says that your needs are important too! I understand what you are saying.....really !!! But, he's the one who fell out of love, how can I expect him to meet my needs right now ?!?! Right now I am trying everything possible for him to fall in love with me again....like he used to be..... I know he still has love for me, but it's not enough yet.....I see and feel that..... Sure he had your best interest at heart, and yes maybe you like the changes you've made, but what makes it different???? HE LEFT! Theres a big difference "Dear I would like more time with you what can we do about that? I wish you would have come to me with the debt but we;ll figure something out? and You've but on some weight dear and im concerned for your health!" That wasn't his response though? His became I want a divorce, and then went through with it. What you don't see here (probably didn't write it) is that he was trying to get me to understand his position for years..... I remember when we were not married yet (and we got married after 9 months) we had a fight about me not cleaning the apartment (vacuum, dishes, pick up) but rather hanging in front of the computer all day (I was not working at the time)....I did this for weeks on end and he finally had it, after trying to do it the nice way ("let's do it together")....I didn't even cook dinner or anything..... So the issues were there all these years, but I didn't think to much of it, since he was always trying nicely to get me to change..... He was asking me this way: "Dear I would like more time with you what can we do about that? I wish you would have come to me with the debt but we;ll figure something out? and You've but on some weight dear and im concerned for your health!".....that's why I was shocked when he was telling me he's divorcing me because of that.....he never made it a big issue.... He was always so nice about it.....as I wrote we never really fought about it..... He's tried.....really..... Marriage is a partnership, I've typed that so many times I could find the keys in the dark with ease! Two people working together, deciding together, building together! I agree.....but you have to understand that all those years I have done very little to contribute to this partnership..... You all see what I'm doing now....how I'm trying to do all the right things now, but before D-day I have neglected the marriage/partnership.....I was more like another child in this family..... Can you really not understand that all his trying all these years have made him become resentful, disappointed, fall out of love and lose trust in me ?!?! I can.... He's not made this decision to divorce me within a couple of weeks.... He's been dealing with it for years and I guess midlife crisis and depression made him re-evaluate his life and he came to this conclusion..... Again....I'm not validating his decision as right, but I can understand him..... I am trying my hardest to show him I've changed..... I can only hope he'll find love for me again....if not I'll be forever resentful towards myself..... Right now he has all the benefit of a wife with none of the obligation and your more then willing to give that to him and defend him with your last breathe, and sounds like he is more then willing to let you. Well....not really.....I have left the cleaning and all to him here lately....I am technically coming home from work, eat, do homework, play with the kids a little, go to the gym and go to bed.... The 180 is about showing them what they will be losing as well as helping you detach, I'm sorry Love4ever but your doing neither. I agree....it's hard for me.....I am trying to do the 180 but it's difficult since he is a great guy and I do love him an awful lot.... But little by little I am getting better at it.... but i only say that because it does sound like there is a real chance here and i don't want to see it pass by. What makes you say that ??? It sounds more like you think he's a user and (emotionally) abuser.....what makes you think there is a chance ??? And what exactly do you advice I should do ??? Please keep in mind, I can't move out right now and we do have children..... PS. Thanks so much for your responses, Tojaz !!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Messed up already ..... A young girl knocked on the door....I didn't open....just watched (too many solicitors lately).....(ex-husband sitting in his office, didn't hear knocking).... After some minutes girl walks off, gets into car which is parked at neighbors.....car turns around and parks right in front of our house..... A woman in the driver's seat pulls out her phone..... I say to ex "There was a young girl at the door for you"....ex: "For me ??? What makes you think it was for me ??".....me: "I know it wasn't for me because I don't know her"...."She was Hispanic and is on the phone right now, so you might want to check your phone.".....ex: "I don't know anyone around here especially no Hispanic women"...seems really annoyed now..... It's soooooooooo hard not to make these comments !!!!!! Ok....new start !!!!! Maybe I have a better shot at it tomorrow....he's got in-service and won't be home until the evening...less time together....less time for such confrontation..... LOL! I'm sorry, had to laugh! Given the circumstances of your situation, I think you could let that slide and hit the reset button. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 By the way, as hard as you think the 180 is. I think you're doing great. Be happy, enjoy life. If he interacts with you, great! But don't read into every little gesture by him. I mean, I thought it was cute that the two of you were playing footsie under the covers but, that's all it is right now. Just keep on keeping on. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 What makes you say that ??? It sounds more like you think he's a user and (emotionally) abuser.....what makes you think there is a chance ??? And what exactly do you advice I should do ??? Please keep in mind, I can't move out right now and we do have children..... PS. Thanks so much for your responses, Tojaz !!!!!!!!!! I say that because he has not let you go! He has you there, sleeps next to you, cuddles with you. When someone decides they are done in a marriage and there is nothing left for them, it is far too often slash and burn then run for the hills. His actions show genuine care, compassion. I would not call him a user or an abuser, but I also do not believe he deserves all the defense of his actions you bestow on him. Keep in mind that I am on the outside looking in. I hold no love for this man, I have no emotions coloring my view,, in other words... I 'm seeing the whole picture. You can't, nobody in your situation can. I know I couldn't when I was where you are. So take a look at what I said before. Then take a look at your situation. Your unhappy, but doing everything in your power to make him awfully comfy on that fence. So what reason does he have to look at the situation? So what do you do? For right now, take some time for yourself, sit down and think about what you value in Marriage, the reasons why you both got married in the first place. Was it sex? His pocket book? His looks? or was it something deeper then that? I'm betting it was, and I'm betting it was for him too, but thats whats slipping away in favor of the intricacies of life, where debt and such things could get in the way and ultimately between the two of you. Get what I'm saying? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 By the way, as hard as you think the 180 is. I think you're doing great. Be happy, enjoy life. If he interacts with you, great! But don't read into every little gesture by him. I mean, I thought it was cute that the two of you were playing footsie under the covers but, that's all it is right now. Just keep on keeping on. Thanks Chi.....I'm trying hard not to read too much into it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts