Author loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I say that because he has not let you go! He has you there, sleeps next to you, cuddles with you. When someone decides they are done in a marriage and there is nothing left for them, it is far too often slash and burn then run for the hills. His actions show genuine care, compassion. I just wish he would make the decision to give it a chance and not "Let's see what the next few weeks/months bring...." Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Yesterday at lunch I made my first slow cooker chicken dinner..... When I got home he was playing with the kids, I finished cooking dinner....we ate and I only responded cordially to him.....he helped me clean up but we didn't talk much.... I went to do homework and he was playing Mahjong.... Later I started getting the boys ready for bed and while he finished by reading books to them I took a shower.... Then I went to bed and finished the movie I started last night.... He came in and told me something funny our 3-year-old (A) said....our 9-year-old (D) got hurt and cried and screamed....so ex asked "Where is D ???"....A said "Upstairs, screaming and crying like an idiot !!!" (note....we don't use language like that at home, gotta love daycare.....but he said it so cotton dry it was hilarious) Then he got into the shower....I turned off the movie and went to sleep.... A short while later he started snuggling up to me and held me, kissed my neck and massaged my back....haven't had that in forever !!!!!....very passionate and loving.... Again....I'm trying not to read to much into it, but I will definitely keep that 180 up..... One good thing I noticed yesterday was I didn't care so much about checking with him like what he was doing on the computer.....I felt so much more confident about myself..... More like 'let him do what he thinks he needs to do'..... Link to post Share on other sites
sammyd Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 "One good thing I noticed yesterday was I didn't care so much about checking with him like what he was doing on the computer.....I felt so much more confident about myself....." Well done you, you should be doing this for yourself as well as the relationship:) Sounds like it's working:) Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I just wish he would make the decision to give it a chance and not "Let's see what the next few weeks/months bring...." First i want you to know your doing very well with all of this, a lot of people don't have the strength that you do! If you want him to tip his hand, you have to start to detach (or at least seem like you are) Look at it this way, if you walked into a dealership and test drove a brand new Cadillac, and then the salesman told you to just hang on to it until you knew if you wanted to buy it or not, would you be in any hurry to decide??? Now what if you test drove the same Caddy and then had to walk home, and to the store, and to church....... you get my drift??? There are subtle ways to do this. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 I understand what you are saying.....really !!! But, he's the one who fell out of love, how can I expect him to meet my needs right now ?!?! Right now I am trying everything possible for him to fall in love with me again....like he used to be..... I know he still has love for me, but it's not enough yet.....I see and feel that..... What you don't see here (probably didn't write it) is that he was trying to get me to understand his position for years..... I remember when we were not married yet (and we got married after 9 months) we had a fight about me not cleaning the apartment (vacuum, dishes, pick up) but rather hanging in front of the computer all day (I was not working at the time)....I did this for weeks on end and he finally had it, after trying to do it the nice way ("let's do it together")....I didn't even cook dinner or anything..... So the issues were there all these years, but I didn't think to much of it, since he was always trying nicely to get me to change..... He was asking me this way: .....that's why I was shocked when he was telling me he's divorcing me because of that.....he never made it a big issue.... He was always so nice about it.....as I wrote we never really fought about it..... He's tried.....really..... I agree.....but you have to understand that all those years I have done very little to contribute to this partnership..... You all see what I'm doing now....how I'm trying to do all the right things now, but before D-day I have neglected the marriage/partnership.....I was more like another child in this family..... Can you really not understand that all his trying all these years have made him become resentful, disappointed, fall out of love and lose trust in me ?!?! I can.... He's not made this decision to divorce me within a couple of weeks.... He's been dealing with it for years and I guess midlife crisis and depression made him re-evaluate his life and he came to this conclusion..... Again....I'm not validating his decision as right, but I can understand him..... I am trying my hardest to show him I've changed..... I can only hope he'll find love for me again....if not I'll be forever resentful towards myself..... Well....not really.....I have left the cleaning and all to him here lately....I am technically coming home from work, eat, do homework, play with the kids a little, go to the gym and go to bed.... I agree....it's hard for me.....I am trying to do the 180 but it's difficult since he is a great guy and I do love him an awful lot.... But little by little I am getting better at it.... What makes you say that ??? It sounds more like you think he's a user and (emotionally) abuser.....what makes you think there is a chance ??? And what exactly do you advice I should do ??? Please keep in mind, I can't move out right now and we do have children..... PS. Thanks so much for your responses, Tojaz !!!!!!!!!! The bolded part of your post! If he wanted you to change then why did he marry you? You don't marry someone wanting to change them, or you shouldn't. Whilst I am not suggesting that there weren't things that you did that you now regret, like Tojaz said, you aren't giving any thought to your needs and neither is your H by the sounds of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Well done you, you should be doing this for yourself as well as the relationship:) Sounds like it's working:) Thanks.....I sure hope it is....if not for us, at least for me.....slowly but surely Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Look at it this way, if you walked into a dealership and test drove a brand new Cadillac, and then the salesman told you to just hang on to it until you knew if you wanted to buy it or not, would you be in any hurry to decide??? Now what if you test drove the same Caddy and then had to walk home, and to the store, and to church....... you get my drift??? Great analogy !!!! I'm trying my best for him to want that Cadillac !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 The bolded part of your post! If he wanted you to change then why did he marry you? You don't marry someone wanting to change them, or you shouldn't. He probably just thought that it will get better with some time....and it did....for quite a while..... But having a child and work full time made me go back to lazy.... Whilst I am not suggesting that there weren't things that you did that you now regret, like Tojaz said, you aren't giving any thought to your needs and neither is your H by the sounds of it. My needs are for him to be is old self....to be loving me like he used to.....to be a happy family again....to get kisses, hugs and I love you's.....to hold hands..... He doesn't give a thought about my needs right now.....I know.....why should he.....he is being selfish right now.....he only cares about himself for once in his life.... I understand him.....though I don't like it..... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hi Loveforever - I can understand your sacrifice for wanting to save this and get your family back...to keep it in tact. It's what anyone with children would want...and you are being very selfless in your efforts. That's to be commended; however, have you given it any thought to what you will do if this doesn't work...if you and the children will have to move out. I know you said that he has it all planned out....what is his plans for you and the children? Given that, are you ready for that...have you prepared yourself for that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveforever Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Hi Loveforever - I can understand your sacrifice for wanting to save this and get your family back...to keep it in tact. It's what anyone with children would want...and you are being very selfless in your efforts. That's to be commended; however, have you given it any thought to what you will do if this doesn't work...if you and the children will have to move out. I know you said that he has it all planned out....what is his plans for you and the children? Given that, are you ready for that...have you prepared yourself for that? Yes, I (we) know what's going to happen in that case....it's been planned and agreed upon by both of us.... I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Loveforever - I think your story is so different from what is typically seen here on these forums, you truly love your husband and want to change not just for him but for yourself as well. I hope he realizes what a wonderful woman you are and that is irreplaceable. I also hope that he will be the good man that you say he is as you both go through these changes....that could truly strengthen your bond to a new level in your relationship. It seems that too many times on these boards the general thinking is that love is a strategy or a game that has to be played and won, test of wills, who is going to give in....it can't just be about two people truly being in love and not wanting to lose each other. People get caught up in their wants and needs and forget that love is about sacrifice too...as long as that is not all one-sided....love can thrive. The divorce woke you up, but I think that it woke him up too in a way. Continue working on you and making those changes for yourself...that's very important for you (not for just him). Obviously you are doing something right. Heck, you may teach some of us a few lessons. Something I would suggest is to make sure you are both on board with a timeline for these changes (school, weight, finances..etc) so you don't get hit with any "surprises" of not being on the same page. Clear communication of expectations will help you both in the long run. I'm rooting for you and your family....keep up the good work and working on you. :) Link to post Share on other sites
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