I miss my wife - and we live together

[D-Lish]

It's unfortunate, but a lot of people lose sexual attraction after getting to know one another to the point where the relationshionship starts to feel more like you're brother and sister. I had that feeling with my exH.

 

Some women also lose further interest after childbirth.

 

It's awful being in a relationship, living side by side with someone, and feeling alone- what a frustrating and horrible feeling.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am sorry to hear as well that you are Going through this.

 

I am in a similar situation. My husband just doesn't put out. In the last 2.5 years I have gone one calendar year without sex and we have had 5 encounters this year. Which is on track for having less then we did last year. I kinda really hate him now.

 

One thing I did last week was simply say: look, I am not going to live like a nun anymore while this plays out, you either tell me what I need to do to get something going on here or I am going to leave without the means I need and supplement from the outside. Twice in one week. I hated doing it but our relationship is so bad that I have nothing to lose. I don't ever think I would have actually gone outside for it but I don't think that he would have paid any attention without me making it cut and dry.

 

There's a couple other people on here with this issue and it is such a piss off

[D-Lish]

I am sorry to hear as well that you are Going through this.

 

I am in a similar situation. My husband just doesn't put out. In the last 2.5 years I have gone one calendar year without sex and we have had 5 encounters this year. Which is on track for having less then we did last year. I kinda really hate him now.

 

One thing I did last week was simply say: look, I am not going to live like a nun anymore while this plays out, you either tell me what I need to do to get something going on here or I am going to leave without the means I need and supplement from the outside. Twice in one week. I hated doing it but our relationship is so bad that I have nothing to lose. I don't ever think I would have actually gone outside for it but I don't think that he would have paid any attention without me making it cut and dry.

 

There's a couple other people on here with this issue and it is such a piss off

 

I never advocate cheating, but in your situation, have you ever thought about branching out and meeting someone that makes you feel sexy again?

[dreamingoftigers]

The thought crossed my mind when I read another thread on here, but really the last thing I need is to make things even more screwed up.

 

Plus my kid is my #1, and I have spiritual things to consider.

 

Truly, those things are always more complex then they present themselves. I could end up hooking myself into a relationship I am not ready for. Or a rejection could really faceplant my self-esteem etc. Need to strengthen those emotional muscles and free myself from obligation before I could go there.

[D-Lish]

The thought crossed my mind when I read another thread on here, but really the last thing I need is to make things even more screwed up.

 

Plus my kid is my #1, and I have spiritual things to consider.

 

Truly, those things are always more complex then they present themselves. I could end up hooking myself into a relationship I am not ready for. Or a rejection could really faceplant my self-esteem etc. Need to strengthen those emotional muscles and free myself from obligation before I could go there.

 

Your self esteem is already suffering girl.

Not that you should have an affair, but you need to find a way to feel sexy and good about yourself again.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe I don't need a full-blown affair scenario. I could repair my self-esteem and promote my health.

 

I'll just tell myself that I can have a random sexual encounter every time I lose five pounds. :lmao:

 

And it would be a big boost to me because it would get easier to achieve as time went on.

 

I wonder if I could lose 100+ lbs in a month, hmm....

[SelfControl]

arewethereyet...now that you have tried a few tactics it's time for a new approach. From what I have learned over the years is that relationships are back and forth. One person goes one way and the other follows. Then the follower goes their way and the first person follows. So, what if you went in a different direction than what you have been doing (and, I am not talking about cheating here. I would never advocate that.)?

 

Try this...be the guy you were when you first started dating. Remember, when you first took her out but it was too early to be intimate with her, or have any kind of physical contact with her? That's what you need to do.

 

To be more specific, go back to what you started in Feb., which was to go out on the occasional date, like you did for V-Day. However, this time just be the light hearted, funny guy and act like you don't have a care in the world. Keep the conversation about positive things and don't talk about the current sex situation, your daughter, the bills, the house, etc. Keep everything light and fun. The other thing you'll want to do is to hold back on the romance and affection, meaning let her initiate all contact and when you go on dates they are not the romantic kind, they are more the putt-putt golf, shoot pool, get some ice cream kind of dates. And, if she asks you if everything is ok because you are so care-free and you haven't been touching her or begging her for physical contact, just smile at her and say 'Everything is great, Honey'. Do this for three months and see what happens, or until she comes around. You'll know when she does because she will start to act like her old self again.

 

The point is that you want her to sense that you can be happy all on your own. I know it seems counter intuitive because you are not happy at the moment, but since nothing else has worked so far, why not give it a try? On top of that there is no cheating involved and no trying to make her jealous. And, the best part is you get to have fun dates with your wife, and even if she doesn't enjoy them, you will. What have you got to lose?

 

Now I am not saying that you need to make all the effort here. All I'm saying is plan some casual dates, act like everything is great, keep things light and funny, hold back on affection and romance for a little while and have some fun. In other words, make the change within yourself, with your attitude, and see if she follows.

Edited August 15, 2011 by SelfControl

[Citizen Erased]

You need to stop her from allowing your daughter to sleep in your bed. Cos she will be 8 years old and still sleeping there before you know it. You are both in the roles of parent instead of husband and wife. Don't be afraid to piss your wife off a little to gain the alone time you both require. The kid will survive if her parents have sex in the next room while she sleeps. Growing up sleeping in between your parents until you're old enough to realize just how screwed up it is to sleep in between your parents however, may ensure years of therapy.

 

Or, why cheat when you can leave? You barely have a relationship, apparently what has been tried doesn't work. If you think staying with her for your kid and screwing around on the side is better than leaving, you're wrong. That dynamic did far worse to my siblings and myself than our parents divorcing.

[Jamone]

arewethereyet Mate i'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I went through exactly the same thing and we had been married and together for the same amount of time as you. Long and short of it is that after 8 months of sleeping on my sofa bed i moved out. Even though i suffered incredibly BOTH emotionally and physically i see no hint of emotion from her whatsoever. My conclusion...she doesn't love me anymore.

 

My emotions now range from hating her guts for destroying my dream of having a happy family and marriage to saying we just weren't compatible and had different views on life and relationships.

 

I love my daughter dearly and think about her everyday and not being able to cuddle and kiss her goodnight at nights.

 

She rejected me 95% of the time and whenever we did 'make love' it was on her terms. I was lucky if i had sex once a month and it always felt like she was giving in to keep me quiet.

 

As far as i'm concerned, sex is very important in a marriage and no matter how good your friendship with each other is you will start to resent her out of frustration.

 

Mate just know that you are not alone going through this and for your own piece of mind take some out to try and rediscover yourself. It doesn't mean that you're necessarily gonna 'get some' (i haven't) but you are away from the situation and that may help you to think things through better. For me, sex wasn't everything but the occassional hug and kiss wouldn't hurt. i got tired of initiating so stopped in the end and got very cold towards her.

 

I really hope things work out for you and that you'll find happiness again. This forum was really helpful to me and although even now i'm still emotionally f*@*!d up it was very therapeutic (sp) for me hearing others views.

 

Good luck.

[NervisPervis]

If my wife loved me (more on that in a minute), and wanted to be with me, and a doctor told her that if a penis ever went into her vagina again she would die, we would stil have a happy and content love life. There are other means that a committed couple can use to make each other happy sexually without vaginal intercourse. In other words, the pain is just an excuse. But you already know that.

 

10 years ago or so I started to notice that I was the only one that ever initiated sex, but I kept at it. 7 years ago or so I noticed that my wife was doing anything she could to avoid sex (TV until 11:30 at night, quick "godnight" with back turned to me). I slowed down to the point of just "getting some" when I was desperate. 5 years ago or so, I realized that if I had to describe my sex life accurately, "rape" or "sexual slavery" would be more descriptive than "loving" or "intimate", so I stopped initiating. You guessed it: ZERO sex or intimacy for 3 years.

 

Two years ago my current mid-life crisis hit. I realized that I wasn't getting any younger nor was she. If we were going to fix anything, it has to be now. Oh, she said and did everything she had to do to make me shut up and go away, but as soon as I realized she wasn't into it again I'd stop, and she was more than happy to slip back into brother/sister mode. Two years of going back and forth this way, her saying "I'll change" and slipping back into her old self were very difficult on me. I have finally, just recently even, decided again to quit. This time for good, and she won't care. I'm leaving out a lot of BS that she said in those 2 years, but you get the point. I realized during this time that she hasn't loved me for a long, long time.

 

I'm now 50. Too late to start over. I wasn't good at meeting girls when I was young, fit and had a good head of hair. Now it's out of the question. I have no doubt that if it falls in my lap I'd go for it, but it's not going to happen. My life is now one miserable day after another. Just waiting for the youngest to turn 18 so we can finally end this facade of a marriage. I hate it.

 

I know that the thought of splitting up this family you've recently started is not what you want. But I wish I could go back and change things. I knew before we conceived my youngest child that there were problems. If my wife had just told me then that she didn't love me and wanted to split, it would have been the most horrible thing I could have heard. But you know what? We'd all be over it by now and happily getting on with our new lives.

 

Pack a bag. Put it by the door, and tell her that if you don't see some concrete evidence that she wants to work on your marriage in 72 hours, you're gone. If she calls your bluff, leave and don't turn back. Tell her you'll hear from your lawyer with divorce papers. You're still young. You can start over. I can't. I actually envy you. Life is too short and you only get one shot. Don't live it in misery when you're 50 like me, with no hope of improvement.

 

Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

NP,

 

I can just about guarantee that it is resentment poisoning your relationship.

 

Seriously before you just throw in the towel how about trying 6 months of getting past your own resentment and grabbing a copy of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 

Furthermore I can tattoo you a guarantee that despite whatever she said during those two years that women RARELY mean what they are saying. RARELY. despite emotions etc. Not kidding.

 

She played during crisis mode, and now she thinks things have calmed down to their unhappy normal. This isn't lack of love, this is resentment. Bet my bottom dollar.

[NervisPervis]

Thanks DOT, but I'm getting off that rollercoaster. I can't do the "she loves me, she loves me not" thing any more. I've distanced myself from her enough that she can't hurt me any more. I'm not going back. My choice this time.

[OliveOyl]

NP,

 

50 isn't the end of the line. There is still plenty of room and time for improvement. I'm 50 and have been starting over. Things looked very, very dark a year ago, but they have been looking up since around the beginning of this year.

 

Why wait until your youngest hits 18? If you know in your heart it's over, make your exit now. Kids have an intuitive sense of what is going on and they are very resilient.

[arewethereyet]

Some really great (and insightful) responses which are greatly appreciated.

 

Our daughter did start sleeping in her crib a few weeks ago but did not last long. Middle of the night she would cry and mom would bring her to bed to feed and sleep. Time our daughter was in her crib was not spent embracing or in any way connecting though - just opposite ends of the bed. But now she is in our bed all night once more. I agree that she should be in her crib (do question why we had to get it 18 months ago only to have it empty all that time!!). I have asked my wife if she still feels she needs to have our daughter in bed to be protective of her which she said was the case - but to my eye it does feel like she is also placing a constant barrier between us every night.

 

In response to "Self Control"s post, The past month I have tended not to mention anything regarding intimacy or sex. I have tried to be a little more romantic (random gentle kissing of her neck but not pushing for more, Massages, doing more around the house, spending time with our daughter so she can rest or go out with friends etc). Not that I was not doing so in the past - but there has been a real increase in what I am doing. I am not so much doing it hoping for sex as a reward - more just to try to feel some desire, affection, or appreciation from my wife. As I said in the past - I am sure she does feel like she loves me. I am just not sure her definition of love includes a physical element. I will continue.

 

Dreaming of tigers - I also did appreciate hearing your situation - It is helpful to know this is not necessarily a gender thing but a relationship thing. While I entertain the idea of being unfaithful to my wife I know deep down that the reality of crossing that line is more than I am really prepared to do - to both my wife and daughter.

 

I guess at this stage I am feeling a little bit on the bitter side at times - I feel like if we were to start a more physical relationship that it would almost be a little like starting over. As much as I love to make love I now do start to question everything.

 

There are days when I really feel like life is headed down the shi tter. But I do appreciate being able to vent here at times and to know there are others with similar situations.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh cripes, is it ever not a gender thing. Ha ha.

 

Glad to have you on LS

[SelfControl]

arewethereyet...Please go back and re-read my post. I am saying to HOLD BACK on the romance stuff, not increase it. Some of the things you are doing are great, the spending time with you daughter, not talking about intimacy and sex, etc. Just don't do the romance and affection things like the gentle kisses and massages.

 

You situation is the classic push/pull of a relationship. Prior to your most recent effots, you have been pushing (in this case for sex/intimacy) and she has pulled away. Let's try to switch things up, where you pull away and she pushes you. Trust me, women can sense the slightest change in a man's actions and chances are she'll react to it. So, when she senses that you have stopped pushing for sex/intimacy and being touchy feely and romantic she will wonder what's going on, which could turn her around. Who knows, it could even turn her on. The thing is you'll never know if she'll come around until you do things right. So, with that, I say continue doing the care-free guy stuff like spending time with your daugther and doing things around the house. Try reading a book in the other room, spending time with a friend one night a week or taking your wife out on fun dates, also. Just don't initiate ANY touching with her, talk about your feelings, give her any gifts, etc., until you notice a change. Again, do this for 3 months.

 

And, remember, if during those 3 months she asks you if there is anything wrong, just say, 'Everything's great, Honey.' and smile.

Edited August 21, 2011 by SelfControl

[arewethereyet]

My Bad

 

I have to say that I have told people in the past that there always seems to be one person more into a relationship than the other (most relationships - not all). While I am not sure it is the case here it is certainly worthy of consideration.

 

Thanks again!!

[ronald2011]

Communication mate is the answer. Talk to her how you feel. Ask her what seems to be the problem and stuff. Stop guessing and wondering all by yourself. That will surely drive you nuts.

[Llakdknek]

NP,

 

I can just about guarantee that it is resentment poisoning your relationship.

 

Seriously before you just throw in the towel how about trying 6 months of getting past your own resentment and grabbing a copy of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 

Furthermore I can tattoo you a guarantee that despite whatever she said during those two years that women RARELY mean what they are saying. RARELY. despite emotions etc. Not kidding.

 

She played during crisis mode, and now she thinks things have calmed down to their unhappy normal. This isn't lack of love, this is resentment. Bet my bottom dollar.

 

That's interesting. I'm in a serious relationship and basically feel the same way: alone.

[arewethereyet]

Ok - so we have done a whole lot of talking. We have had some alone time but still no passion or intimacy to speak of. I do know and see she is often tired after putting our daughter to bed (still our bed despite many discussions on the subject). But not always. She will busy herself for hours some nights before going to bed.

 

It is no longer a matter or pain or discomfort for her. She has told me that was resolved many months ago. So I guess the reality is that the passion has left my relationship. I do feel like I am trying to be close to a woman who I have confessed about having an affair to. Only I have not.

 

I guess at this point I will have to find an intermediate option that will allow me to feel the way I need to feel to stay in this relationship until it either is restored or resolved. It is the last thing I wanted to do but at this stage (with my daughter being one year old) I can safely say I have been "solo" for 18 months or better. I did not make a commitment to celibacy.

[TrueColors]

Arewethereyet,

 

 

1. What was the state of your relationship like before you had your daughter?
   
2. You mentioned this was your wife's first long-term relationship. Do you think she was emotionally prepared in that sense for a marriage and raising a family? Do you think you were/are?
   
3. Has your wife ever made her issues clear to you as well? Has she brought up anything that she feels makes her uncomfortable to talk to you about?
   
4. Someone else mentioned you BOTH see a counsellor. Have you? Have YOU attempted to seek counselling for your own peace of mind?
   

I have no doubt that you love your wife and yes, a marriage/relationship without any form of physical intimacy would be concerning to anyone. However, I think you (both) owe it to yourself to get to the ROOT of the issues. And the "not having sex" issue, I think, only forms a small part of it.

 

Perhaps she has always had issues with physical intimacy, and having a child exacerbated them in a way that never made you notice before.

 

How have you viewed sexuality and physical intimacy prior to your relationship with your wife? Is it a possibility that you sacrificed this part of yourself (with the "hotter, more attractive" exes) for something more emotionally stable, not so physical, such as that with your wife?

 

I'm only pointing out what COULD be factors to consider. The rest is up to you to work out. But you do need to take responsibility for your choices, and that includes looking at the bigger picture, not just zero-ing in on 1 aspect of your marriage.

 

PS. I would also add that if you both let these problems continue, this will be picked up by your daughter. Trust me, these things tend to make a difference in how she views a healthy relationship in the future...

Edited October 1, 2011 by TrueColors

[oldshirt]

I have not read all the posts so forgive me if I rehash what has already been said.

 

I do feel your pain and remember quite vividly going through similar situations when our kids were real little.

 

Our first was 2 years old when my wife's sexdrive started to return a little bit and then wouldn'tcha know it, the day we arrainge a sitter and got out just the two of us to go to a spa and have a little passion she gets pregnant again (unplanned ) and it is another two years before her desire started to creep back up.

 

Now to my wife's credit, she did try to accomidate me and at least put in some effort to at least give me a hand or a BJ now and then when I was really climbing the walls and really needing some attention and interaction. But it was "work" for her and there were a number of times she was obviously just going through the motions.

 

There was a time that I was truly unhappy and really wieghing all the options of whether to just grit my teeth and bare for the sake of keeping the family together or whether to try to find some love and affection on the side or whether to call it quits and leave.

 

What made the difference was one day I came across an audio book by Dr Laura Schlesinger called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It was almost as if she had written the book specifically about us and for us.

 

My wife was a big Dr Laura fan and respected her insights and opinions and so she listened to the book and it did strike a nerve with her. At first she was pissed and thought it was unfair that she needed to meet my needs while she had two kids to raise. but what the book made her realize is that I really would eventually have an affair or leave her and the kids if I did not get the love and attention I needed at home and then she would be raising the kids by herself.

 

She eventually saw the light and at least made some attempts to maintain a loving home. In time the kids needed less and less actual hands on care and she was able to relax A LITTLE and make some time for "us."

 

after the youngest was a few years old and was able to be left with a sitter we made a commitment to go out on "date nights" and to have a social and love life outside of the home and family.

 

There were ups and downs and we did end up in counseling at one point and the counselor basically told her she can either be a selfish bitch and ignore me and be a single mother or she can work with me and we can have a healthy home as a family.

 

Now the kids are 9 and 7 and we still have some ups and downs but the up are really really really really GOOD! and the downs are tolerable untill things swing up again.

 

In the end I am glad I stayed and glad that our kids have made it this far with a two-parent home. I am sure both of us still fantasize about leaving now and then but when you can see that someone is at least trying, it does make a difference.

 

My advice for you would be to never stop advocating for yourself and never stop asserting your manhood and making your needs known. It is not selfish to need love, affection, attention and sexuality. Those really are needs and not just something nice to have when someone feels like it (and when mothers have young kids they never just "feel" like it).

 

As a father you do have to make sacrifices and swinging from the chandeliers having wild monkey sex every night is one of those sacrifices. But while you made vows to love, honor and support her, she also made vows to love and honor you and a big part of loving and honoring a man is to realize that his sense of love and acceptance is mediated through his sexuality and intimacy. If he ain't getting that he is going to be packing up and looking for it elsewhere and that is just a fact of life. It may not be pretty or make anyone feel good but it is a fact. If you want a man in house and want him to support you and help you raise the children you'd best be giving him some lovins now and then.

[arewethereyet]

Some really good and insightful advice there guys. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I will have to stop back and reread it all but you both make very good points. (I cannot stay on long right now as I dont want her to see me on "the love shack")

 

Situation has not changed much but our friendship remains strong which is essential.