Past coming back to haunt me regarding internet affair.

[f1fan]

I feel like I'm in a bind, and I would like some sort of advice, if possible. I have been married to my husband for over 10 years now, and about 4 years ago, I was very vulnerable, and I had an online affair. It lasted for about 6 weeks, and mostly consisted of fantasy cyber-sex. I had actually set up a meeting with this person because I was so turned on by the sexy talking that I felt I wanted to at least try it one time. I never went to that meeting, because my common sense took over, and I confessed to my spouse, and then cut off all communication with my internet lover. For the most part, my spouse and I have gotten around this, and gotten on with our lives. However, sometimes it comes back, usually after my spouse has been drinking. This time, it will not go away. We have talked about it, and gotten through the "What I felt at the time, and why I did it," and have both accepted out parts of the responsibility, mine being the greatest, of course. But, my spouse is demanding details of at least one conversation that I had with my internet lover. When I try to tell him that I can't remember this stuff because I've either blocked it out as a traumatic experience, or because it didn't mean that much to me, my spouse gets upset, and says that I'm just hiding more information, and that I just don't care enough to be able to come totally clean. I don't know what to do, but if I can't do this, I'm afraid that my spouse is going to leave me.

[Arabess]

I agree that sharing specific conversation that you had....would only hurt your husband more. He may think he wants to know....but deep in his heart, it would have to be too painful. What's done is done.

 

There is another thread on here from a man who has just caught his wife doing the same thing. Perhaps by reading his thread or PM'ing him....you could get a persepctive from the other side.

 

Good Luck in finding healing for your marriage. There are many sites which would probably help if you read them regarding repairing your relationship. Also, maybe even some joint couselling would help you guys get passed this.

[Leikela]

It sounds as though your husband still doesn't understand the nature of your online affair. The fact that years later he's still asking you about it means he hasn't been able to heal and move on from the betrayal. Have you guys gone to counseling at all?

[sportsloving]

I also don't think you should share any of the details other than the ones you have already said to your husband. As you said, it was four years ago, it has been dealt with and you are still working on your marriage.

 

There are so many websites and such that have great information on what you can do to rebuild the marriage (if both parties are willing). You can search the information, or you may try the counseling.

 

However, sometimes it comes back, usually after my spouse has been drinking.

 

Is he the one bringing it up after he has been drinking? Was the drinking one of the reasons that you felt so vulnerable?

 

I sincerely wish you tons best wishes~

[f1fan]

Yes, he is the one bringing it up. I understand that it hurt him badly, and I would give anything to be able to take that away. I was vulnerable because he used to raise his hands (and fists) to me in anger. My self-esteem was shot, and I was easy prey to someone I "met" in a debate forum. Instant messaging began, and I opened myself up to this man because...let's face it, someone was giving me what seemed like positive attention. My husband knows all of this - he knows the reasons why. I told him that I wasn't thinking, and that I realize that I did a horrible thing by not trying to talk to him about what I wasn't getting at home emotionally. And regarding the violence, he has been to anger management, and since that last incident, hasn't raised his hands in anger to me again. Now, if I can just get him into AA....

 

My point is that I told him about it-he didn't find out on his own. I broke it off immediately with this guy before any meeting had taken place - so I never even saw this man. There aren't any "special secrets between he and I. To me, it was like reading a romance novel, except not as innocent. But, my husband doesn't buy this, and wants me to tell him what the conversations entailed. He can't believe that even after 4 years, I don't remember that stuff, because it didn't mean anything to me. He insists that this guy got into my head enough for me to want to meet him, and that there is no way I wouldn't be able to remember it.

 

I'm not kidding myself and thinking that I was the only one that this man had a cyber affair with, even at the same time he was talking with me, he would tell me that he was also carrying on conversations with other women (at the same time).

[sportsloving]

Let me just see if I have this correctly?

 

A. You have a husband who drinks regularly

B. He was/is abusive emotionally and physically

C. you had an affair (online only) but when it came time to meet, you decided not to and confessed all to said husband (who likes to drink and hit).

D. Husband still drinks, and instead of hitting you, brings up a very painful situation and now asks for details that you are unable/unwanting to give.

E. Emotionally, you felt alone, neglected, unloved, and abused.

F. Finally, by not telling him things you do not remember, he says he will leave you.

 

But he did attend Anger management (was he ordered too?). Will he see counseling dealing with the (internet) affair? Does he refuse AA treatments?

 

The person who treated worse than anyone has a right too, is now bringing this up to you, four years later? And how many times are you bringing up his hitting or emotional abuse?

 

I won't state my opinion as I don't think I have any right. I wish you would seek counseling for yourself... not because of the affair, but perhaps the events that LEAD to the affair. And no, I do not believe that you should take most of the responsibility for seeking appreciation, kindness, attraction or self worth from another person not your husband.. Holy Buckets I had better shuddup now.

 

I will say this, your husband isn't asking for details for his own piece of mind, he is asking so he has more ammunition to use against you once he drinks (again). Telling him anything more than you have (probably more than you should have) is only going to add more fuel to his fire. If he wants to help your relationship, he will attend the AA, he will seek counseling, and he will stand up for his wrong doings. You deserve nothing less than that from the man whom "loves you".

 

I wish you so many blessings and hope things work out, I just can't help but think that you might be better off without him. And for saying that, I apologize.

[Rockstar]

I dont think he even cares about the "affair" you had. He is probably just using it as a tool to beat you up with and keep you in check. Is he a control freak? Does he order you to do things instead of ask you to do something?

[moimeme]

There are a lot of people who, drinking or not, can't get over that their partners had pasts, etc. This is not for you to solve. It is his issue. And frankly, it seems that it would be no great loss to lose a husband like this.

 

Don't give in. Tell him, every time he bothers you, "the past is the past and it's over" or some similar phrase. Don't vary from whatever phrase you choose. Just keep repeating it.

 

Maybe if he attended anger management counselling, he'd be open to attending another few sessions to help him let go of this.

[f1fan]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I would like to let you know that last night, we sat down and talked...actually talked from the heart...for the first time in what seems like an eternity. I answered his questions truthfully, and only offered up my reasons for getting involved with this other man. I told him my feelings, and for the first time, I believe he truly heard me.

 

We are on the right path to heal, and we have an appointment for counselling in a couple of weeks.