Miserable Mike Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Well, here it is, I have been married for almost twenty years and I am more in love with my wife than I was when we first hooked up almost thirty years ago. Even after kids, even after all the years I still think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. I have always remained truly faithful, I have only even been to a strip club once in our marriage, and that was with her and it was her idea. I work for the Federal Government and that's all I can tell you about what I do for a living, but I have always had a well paying job and we have never suffered in any way financially. My wife is one of the top executive at one of the largest and most high profile corporations in the world and I will leave it at that. I can say on paper we are the perfect couple, we even have great in-laws, I like her parents and she mine and no nosey mother in-law on either side. Almost ten years ago she had the opportunity for a big promotion but my job would have prevented her from taking that promotion due to the constant moving and my traveling, we sat down and talked it over, and decided that it wasn't fair for her not to pursue her career and see how far she could go. While I had some reservations about giving up a totally cool job that just about every red blooded kid in America would kill for, there is no end to what I will go through for her and my family, and I gave up my job with less than five years until a full retirement and took a less exciting job in the Fed. and I absolutely hate with a f&(&%^% passion, but I am going to retire Mar. 2012 so there is light at the end of the tunnel in that respect, I just can't collect my retirement now until I hit the big 60. I give her whatever freedom she needs to pursue her career and her dreams. Okay I will get to the point, I am starting to get the feeling she is being unfaithful and she is seeing someone that is more her equal in the corporate world, it's the little things that are giving me these feelings. She is staying up until 1 and 2 AM in her office "working" unless I stay downstairs watching something on the TV then she is in bed by 930 1000 at the latest. She has a home office and works a lot from home but she always seems to have a meeting she has to attend to on Fridays until late in the evening and the day or days going into a holiday. I know it sounds crazy but it almost makes me feel as if she having holidays and weekends with whomever and then coming home and doing it all over again with me and as of late she is in a horrible mood or is so distant its almost like I don't exist. I would like to talk about the sex life but there isn't one to speak of, it has never been as much as I would like but it always was really really good! but now I am lucky to see her heading into the shower. I try and be romantic, I try to listen when she is venting about work or when something doesn't go right, I do all the cooking and cleaning and I am a damn good cook. Am I just being over sensitive or am I really sensing something here? I try to talk to her about this, but she just says it all the stress at work or she just finds a reason to be pissed off. I flat out told her just the other day that if there is something I need to know about she needs to tell me now and we would go and get some help, I also told her that if she is having an affair and she was planning to leave that I need to know now instead after I retire. I feel so betrayed, I gave up so much to make sure she had what she needs to be happy and to follow her dreams, I would be retired right now collecting a tax free check every month. There is much more to the story and many more signals that make me feel this way, so feel free to ask me any questions you need to help you understand why I feel the way I do. I apologize for the poor grammar and use of words, I am not the best righter or good at putting my feeling down on paper. Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Your post brings tears to my eyes. Your wife has a gem of a man right in front of her, a man who adores her and loves her more and more each day.. It's a shame she's acting like a fool! Listen to your gut. If you feel something isn't right and she's up to something behind your back, really confront her on this and let her know she has two choices. Pack her bags and go, or end it with the OM and work on the marriage with you. I know you love her so much, but right now she is not the woman you married. She's selfish and treating you poorly, looking for reasons to justify her choices. Maybe it's mid life crisis or maybe she allowed herself to fall for someone else and got caught up in feelings..Who knows, but either way, she has to decide one way or the other. Sorry that you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Very sorry to hear that you are going through this. It does sound like she is playing the avoidance game in regards to not putting herself in positions where she will have to be close to you. Her Friday meetings and even the holiday meetings may actually be legit. I know several corporations like for their traveling people to be at their destinations at the beginning of the workday on Monday or the next day of business after a holiday. The best time to brief them is at the end of the week before sending them off. This one thing on it's own, while being inconvenient, is not not that big a red flag, IMHO. But I can understand your suspicions. You probably don't know alot of the intimate details of her job. Her home office is probably not a place you venture into often. He workplace is probably not a place you visit with any normalcy. Do you ever have a need to use the computer in the home office? Have you ever driven by the office to see several vehicles there that would validate her working late? How long has the Friday and Holiday thing been going on? Are you still up on those evenings when she gets home? What are her habits when she comes home? Always showering immediately? Does she tend to hide clothes? Your gut is telling you something has changed. That is enough to be more mindful and observant. But when one confronts first without the concrete evidence, many times if there is something going on, the partner will simply do a better job of hiding things. She could just be really focused on her career at present and since she knows she has your full support, it could be simply she is unintentionally taking you for granted. A woman reaching the corporate levels you imply that your wife has, usually has worked so hard to get there that she is aware of how much she stands to lose and is either careful to avoid office affairs or damn good at keeping them out of the light of day. Good luck to you. Will be watching your thread for updates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miserable Mike Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 She is a VIP and the computer she uses along with her cell phone in her home office is supplied by her company and is locked whenever she is away for more than a few minutes. She actually has two corporate offices, one is about an hours drive and the other is about two and half hours away, either place there would be at a minimum two hundred cars in the parking lot at all hours of the day. If there is an A going on it wouldn't be taking place at the office. The Friday and holiday thing has been going on for about six or seven months now. Something has change in regards of her attitude towards me, its almost to the point of complete disrespect and it seems its getting easier for her to say things just to hurt my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Kivu Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 First of all...hugs! Sorry you're so upset about this. Second, could she be irritable because of hormone issues? Could she be stressed because of work? Could she be depressed? Third, you say you can't check her computer or phone messages. Have you tried walking into the room when she's working late, unexpectedly? Have you dropped by her office with flowers or a takeout dinner, unexpectedly? You say an affair wouldn't be at the office, but you don't really know. If you really have lost all hope then you can always hire an private investigator :/ Link to post Share on other sites
milkmaterial Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 well i wish there were more men like u who would be in love after so many years of marriage together. Link to post Share on other sites
Iconoclast Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 If you really have lost all hope then you can always hire an private investigator :/ This. You're of ample means. You feel something is up, and that means a lot after this many years, you know her well. But, you need objective verification, and the convention route of electronic eavesdropping sounds closed to you. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) I do feel for you. Your suspicions about her saying things to hurt your feelings is most likely her way of disguising her guilt. The closer you are to her, the greater the guilt. She is disconnecting from you. Your answers to the rest of the questions in my first post to you could be telling, when put in combination with the suspicious meetings that run late into the night along with her general disrespect of you. You mention the two of you are primarily in opposite parts of the house. Do you ever just talk anymore? Do you still have anything in common? Is there any one certain person she mentions alot? Is there a certain client that she seems to mention alot? Could there be a person she mentions in a negative tone often? Women use the negative tone alot when referring to men they are actually attracted to to throw their husbands off the trail. Has her attire changed in the past few months? Does she seem to dress up more? Do her latest shopping trips reveal a theme, i.e. shorter, younger styled, or more revealing clothing purchases? Has her lingerie undergone a makeover? Has her hair style changed? These are often clues that we men miss. Many times a woman will change her hairstyle and her wardrobe to portray a new image. The image change is usually connected to a significant change or milestone in her life. Let me also offer something, no less painful, but a possible alternative for your wife's actions. You said in your first post something to the tune that you sometimes feel she treats you like you are not an equal since you don't have the same important status in the corporate world that she does. Could she possibly be "outgrowing" you? Could this OM not be a man at all but her job? Consider all the male executives from past stories in the news who outgrew their devoted housewives after reaching the top floor of the company. Could this also be the case here? Could she have allowed her zest to succeed blind her to the fact she is allowing her marriage to wither and die? Edited February 15, 2011 by MarriedGuyNTennessee Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 well i wish there were more men like u who would be in love after so many years of marriage together. Maybe if they weren't treated the way the OP is there would be more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miserable Mike Posted May 10, 2011 Author Share Posted May 10, 2011 Well, a followup to my old post. I gave her an ultimatum, she needed to come clean with me and work to improve our marriage or I was pulling up and moving out with our son. My reasoning was, I had sacrificed so much for this marriage and to ensure that her goals of being a professional in her career were reached that I was no longer going to be pushed to the back burner. I told her that part of the unwritten agreement that we had when I chose to give up my career so she could pursue hers, was that the marriage and our son wouldn't suffer from this move. I told her that we would be going to marriage counseling and what needed to change for me and our children to stay, and she quickly agreed, but still refuses to admit any adultery, which I still strongly feel is or was taking place. When this all started to transpire, I was willing to deal with that possibility and willing to work though it, but as time has pasted, I do believe adultery will be the deal breaker for me, to me it is the ultimate betrayal, and I would leave taking our children. I have started therapy on my own just to get my head clear and to ensure I am holding up my end of the deal, and to ensure if things don't work out, we can make the transition as friendly and easy as possible and as small of an impact on the kids. Thanks for listening and for the advice and sorry I haven't gotten back sooner for an update. Link to post Share on other sites
Kivu Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I still think a private investigator would be a very good move for you. It would give you a definitive answer, and really they don't cost very much. Anyway, I hope things work out better for you. I do understand what kind of hell not knowing can be. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Women want men of higher 'worth' just like men want women of higher physical beauty. I feel for you but there is nothing you can do about it. Link to post Share on other sites
listen777 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Sounds to me like although you gave her the freedom to launch further into her career, that it didn't come completely without strings attached. Is this the only instance in your marriage or do you often do things for her out of benevolence but at the same time expect something in return? Also, what do you mean that she could potentially be with someone "more her equal " ? Sounds to me, that given the love you have for her and what you've done, you are her equal. I'm confused. Here is another question. What if she told you she was having an affair but in order to keep the family together and have a "stable" life she was willing to keep it from you and spare your son and you the pain of finding out, that for all these years, you all have been in love with an image of her that was not real? Are you ready to throw everything out, the 20+ years over this issue? Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 If she was cheating, the only reason you would never tell you is because she wouldnt want to give you half her assets and pay alimony. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Seriously why did you give up your career for hers. Women never respect that in a man. Also her climbing the corporate ranks was only ever going to hurt your marriage. Please take some responsibility. Finding out if she is cheating would be very easy, just hire a PI. Also whether she is cheating or not you guys have problems you need to work on so enjoy the marriage counseling or just talking it out. Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I had honestly stopped checking your thread since so much time had passed. I really did sympathize with you since I was where you are at one point as well. Yours came towards the end of your career and mine was at the very beginning of my marriage. When we first got married, the wife made more money than I did. She tended, at times, to dismiss my opinions and everything revolved around her career. She was rarely home and always at work or meetings. When we were together, our life was never as interesting as the lives of her work companions, so that was what she mostly wanted to talk about. Intimacy had trailed off to nothing and like you, I began to suspect ( correctly so in our case) she was being unfaithful. Due to the high stress environment of that career, she eventually burned out and left the profession. Only years later would she admit that she felt her job was more important and she was more important than anything else. Her job, her career, her friends, and her way. After your ultimatum to your wife, did the late Fridays stop? Did the pre-holiday meetings stop? Did the negative behaviors improve? Link to post Share on other sites
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