flipz Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Hi all, I am brand new to the forums, and this is my first post. I am looking for any sort of information (whether it's personal information, links to sites with information, links to articles, etc) about why people (guys specifically) cheat over the internet. I have tried using Yahoo and Google and maybe I'm not typing in the right keywords but it comes up with all sorts of other things. I am wondering because in November I had an online "relationship" that lasted only about 1.5 months. It wasn't even anything too major. Basically just talking dirty to eachother (we knew eachother in real life). Not in a cyber sex way but just sayin well if we were together, I would kiss you, etc. Now I'm not trying to shrug it off, or say anything I did wasn't wrong, but I'm just trying to show what I did. Well a couple weeks back my fiance found out, and to say the least she is pissed. And honestly I couldn't explain to her WHY I did it. I LOVE her with ALL of my heart, and I would never cheat on her in real life, and it's the first (and only) time I had ever done anything like that even over the computer. And once I realized what i was doing, I completely stopped, and never talked to the girl again. So basically I am trying to come to a conclusion on why I may have done this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I know there is no simple catch-all reason why people cheat. And I know basically the main reason would be that over the internet it's anonymous and you can be someone you aren't, etc. But... I just don't know anymore. I guess loveshack.org is my last resort, and I'm looking for any help that can be given. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 There are many reasons why someone would engage in an internet affair. The only clog in YOUR wheel was that you already had a fiance. It's not about the internet....it's about your relationship with our fiance. Maybe it's a red-flag that you should reassess your relationship with the girl you are planning to marry or it's a lesson well learned and won't be repeated. I think you need to ask yourself why you felt the need to 'cheat'....not why you were on the 'internet'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted March 25, 2004 Author Share Posted March 25, 2004 We have backed things off. She is going to be in Michigan for the summer studying turtles, while I'll be in Arizona. So we will have 3 months apart to just think, and she doesn't want to make any decisions about anything until after that point. The thing is, I wasn't intentionally cheating. I mean I can't deny that I did, but in my head I didn't even realize what I was doing. Our relationship is AMAZING! She treats me better than anyone EVER did, including my own parents. I love her to death, and I know she loves me, so I don't know why I would ever cheat. And it has nothing to do with sexual frustration or anything. We have an amazing, and very open sex life. I have been asking myself why I would cheat... and in 2 weeks of constantly thinking, and I even started a journal to write down all my thoughts, I have come up with absolutely nothing. And I know I need to figure that out, but my main reason for this post was trying to find out some information on the actual psychological reasons as to why people do it over the computer. Aside from the obvious that it's "anonymous." Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Well, it IS anonymous and had you been married a period of time and were just goofing around.....it's understandable that these things can happen. In your case though, you are happily in love with a good sex life. I'm surprised you even got close to being in that kind of position. Do you think you have internal reservations about getting married or just wanted to see what playing the field felt like...one last time before making a final committment?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted March 25, 2004 Author Share Posted March 25, 2004 Of anything that's the best answer I've been able to come up with. I have had lots of relationships in the past, several of them lasting several years. But she is the first girl that I ever felt like I wanted to marry, and I got that feeling almost immedietly! So I can't even believe I've done this. But just "playing the field" one last time is honestly the best answer I could come up with. Thanks for the help Arabess. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 SOOOOO....maybe it wasn't a 'cheating' heart involved at all. You were just double checking to make sure you were ready to make a final committment for the rest of your life. (Can you tell I've had to talk my way out of these things before???? LMAO!) Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 You many have done it because you were enjoying the flattery. No one had called you on it so you kept doing it. If you were feeling flattered by your cyber lady, you need to figure out why you needed to continue this relationship or was something lacking in your current relationship. It sounds though as if you learned your lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 Here's one article on online affairs that has a section on reasons people engage in them. http://www.probe.org/docs/onlineaffairs.html Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted March 26, 2004 Author Share Posted March 26, 2004 Thanks for all the info everyone! Arabess - have anymore tips on helping me talk my way out of things? Link to post Share on other sites
Uncomfortablynumb Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Here's one article on online affairs that has a section on reasons people engage in them. http://www.probe.org/docs/onlineaffairs.html Wow! I was looking for some of these answers... Great Article! Thanks for posting it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 You're welcome! Glad it helped Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Strange you should write this post at a time like this.. this past friday, i discovered that my boyfriend was having an online relationship with someone he knew in real life. needless to say, it broke my heart. We are best friends. I thought we had the best relationship ever (well except for some little things i posted here before). And now I am having a hard time trying to decide what to do. I moved out of his house, and am on my own now. He and I still talk.. but I still want to be with him all the time. He says the same things you have said here. That he doesn't know why he did it and he let something stupid go way too far and that he will never talk to her again. still.. despite my wanting to be near him all the time, i still dont know if it is the right thing to do after this. but suprisingly.. reading your feelings makes me feel a little better. I am only hoping that the things you are feeling are the same things he is feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 That's the same thing me and my fiance (ex now... sort of) are going through. We are technically broken up, yet still see eachother everyday. And we don't live together, yet still spend every night together. The first week we didn't talk at all, she said she'd never talk to me again, etc. But now we are. And when we are together I feel like everything is great, like she is over everything. But then she still tells people we aren't getting back together, things aren't better, etc. So it's very confusing to me. If you have some epiphany on why you are able to forgive your b/f, please post it so I can try to get my girl to see it the same way. It really was nothing...! -brent Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 well unfortunately i dont really have any good answers. I want to be with him still after all this because i really love him and i do believe he is sorry about it and he is being very supportive of me now, which is really important. I hate to say it, but you really gotta be the best you can be to her during this time and be willing to listen to her say the same things over and over again... i really do think that endless love and support from him will get me through this okay.. so i am sure she feels the same way. however.. since it has been less than a week since it has happened, i cant say i have totally forgiven him.. but i know i will because of the things i stated above.. so i will leave you with some things you should try to focus on in order to make her feel the best she can: - take full responsibility for what you have done. No excuses. No downplaying it. Nothing like "but it was only email" or ANYTHING like that. Just simply own up and tell her "Yeah, I did it. I am to blame." period. - as i said, be willing to listen to her if she wants to talk about it. even if she wants to say the same things over and over again. if she is feeling anything like i am, she hasnt been able to get it off her mind and probably still wants tons of reassurance that you love her. So give it to her as much as she needs. You say she acts like things are fine when you are together but then tells people things aren't fine? Well she may just not want to talk about it with you. She really should, in my opinion, because talking through it helps a lot. it has for me. Maybe you should ask her if she wants to talk about what happened, or just let her know you are there to listen if she has any concerns or questions or just wants to vent at you. - Give her space if she wants it. Don't try to pretend like things are the way you left off. Realize that you need to ease your way back into your relationship. Dont insist she do things with you, simply suggest and if she says no, be understanding about it. - give her reassurance.. she is probably doubting you and your feelings.. make sure she knows there is nothing in the world you would rather be doing than be with her. You may already be doing these things, and if you are, then that is great. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you after this, then all you need to do is love her as much as you can and she will be much more likely to forgive you (but she probably won't forget) sadly this is something that will cause doubt in her mind for a long time. i know it is going to take tons of constant reassurance to make me stop doubting my boyfriend... it is a hard thing to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 I've done everything you suggested, exactly as you suggested it. So thanks. Just time to wait I guess. It's been a month now, and just a few mins ago she said she still doesn't even know who I am. But I'll wait forever for her to forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 well then she will eventually see that you love her. if she is still giving you the time of day then i say your chances are pretty good. just don't slack off.. keep it up. i wish you luck... cause i really know what you are going through (even though it is the opposite end) Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 It is going to take her a LONG time to forgive you. It is a long road you are about to travel. You did this because you wanted to and you "got away with it" until she caught you. You had better never, ever do anything remotely close to this again. The next time you will not win her back! Good Luck, Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author flipz Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 Thanks arcadia and bubbles. I'll never hurt her again... I couldn't. Not after putting her through all of this! Link to post Share on other sites
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