Girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone

[Jake12429]

I'll preface this text by saying that I trust my girlfriend without reservation; I don't get "worried" as much as it just makes me angry. But anyway, the basic situation is that my current girlfriend has an ex she dated for 6 years (they've now been broken up for about 2) that just won't leave her alone. He didn't contact her for over a year, now all the sudden he's back with a vengeance. He's gone so far as to say "I want to marry you, please take me back," even after she made it clear to him that she's seeing someone and they can't talk, much less meet up. As if that's not annoying enough, there's a guy she casually dated (kind of a summer thing) over a year ago, and HE'S also been contacting her lately, saying things like "let's give it another shot".

 

Now, I trust my girlfriend, and this doesn't make me jealous or worry me...but i've had bad experiences in the past with ex's coming back into the picture, and I just don't know how to handle this. I'm not like overcome with anger, and I don't foresee it affecting my relationship negatively, but this just HAS to stop. I know she's doing nothing wrong, but how do I approach this with her, and what can we say to these guys to make them stop? It seems like telling them straight up to stop hasn't worked, and out of desperation, they think they can keep contacting her, hoping she'll change her mind. She's been great about quite literally showing me the texts/emails, and showed me what (if any) responses she's had to them, but her ex just won't stop. Right now it hasn't been causing problems, but it WILL if it keeps happening. Has anyone dealt with this int he past? Any advice on how to get these dudes to leave her the F alone?

[collegeguy_24]

Ask her about the details of the breakups, like why did they break up?

 

That may help you to understand what is going though their mind, because you can't do crap unless you know what they could be thinking.

 

Also, frankly, she could be a woman who just like to pull guys heart strings, so not only would the information help you understand whats going through their minds, but it could also give you an insight in to the woman your dating.

[phineas]

How about she tells them to F-off?

Seriously, you can't say you trust her %100 & be bothered by them contacting her at the same time.

 

The fact is, if a woman wanted a man to leave her alone, she would make it happen.

 

I'm sure you have had women tell you to leave them alone right?

 

Unless they are total nut-jobs, she is doing something to make them think they still have a chance.

 

I'll bet she disqualifies the hell out of them. Puts them down & makes them seem like the biggest looser's around.

 

Think about that. Their massive looser but she dated them for how many yrs?

 

Also, if they dumped her, she may indeed want one of them back but is making him crawl through the field of broken glass to prove he wants her.

 

best case, she likes the attention.

Worst case, she's booty calling them behind your back.

 

You need to figure out which one it is.

[GivenUp0083]

In my long experience with dating and meeting dozens of girls, you know what the girls who wanted nothing to do with me did?

 

THEY IGNORED ME

 

If these two guys are pestering her without any response from her then you've got what's called "stalking" or "harassment" and it's a crime. If she's still in contact with them, chatting with them, texting with them, then she's keeping it going just as much as they are.

 

If you want this to stop, you need to tell your gf to stop responding to them and to just ignore them. If she won't do that for you, then good luck because these guys have nothing to lose and everything to gain by staying in touch with your girlfriend. She's enabling them to keep this going by staying in contact. She should tell them both to delete her number and any more contact she will consider harassment.

[SingVoice]

I have been in the same situation as your girlfriend. Let me see if I can explain WHY this might be happening....

 

I was with an ex of mine for about 3 years. It was very up and down with us...but we ALWAYS got back together. We could take even a few months off...but we would always end up back together. Until I decided I had had enough....(also he was kind of abusive). I decided I was DONE forever...and you know what he did? He went and got a tattoo of me over his heart! He sent me flowers. Even after I began dating someone else...he would stalk my friends' facebook pages...just the other day he sent me a package. And this was almost a year ago that we broke up. I know in my heart that we are done...FOREVER. But because there was a pattern of breaking up and getting back...he still thinks that will be the pattern. My guess it is might be the same way with your girlfriend. I think you should be glad that she is being honest because if she was hiding all of this...that would be something to worry about.

 

Another possible suggestion is that certain men cannot handle being rejected by a woman. I STILL to this day get an email or facebook request from a guy I dated like 5 years ago because I dumped HIM and he couldn't handle it. Some men get crazy about that. And now matter what I do...which is NOT EVEN RESPOND...I still get them.

 

Hope that helps maybe shed some insight.

[Jake12429]

Hey everyone...thanks a ton for the responses...she actually IS handling it as well as can be expected. He first reached out to her about a month ago via email (they hadn't spoken in well over a year), and he was essentially saying I want you back, I've changed, etc. They dated for 5 years, without the "make up break up" back and forth, and they never so much as hung out once they broke up. She responded to his email in a very straight forward manner, saying I have a serious boyfriend, we're not getting back together, i wish you the best. He dropped the, "as long as you're happy" line, and that he'd leave her alone. There was no further contact until this text a few days ago saying "I want to marry you, PLEASE SEE ME." She showed it to me immediately, and hasn't (and won't, according to her), responded. I do agree that the best way to go forward is just to ignore him. Even if she writes back something as short and to the point as "leave me alone", I think even the fact that she's acknowledging him will further provoke him. Nothing sends the message quite as clearly as simply being ignored. He's obviously desperate if he's throwing out "I want to marry you" lines, even after her very clear email to his first contact with her, but I just want to make sure it stops. I'm not worried that she's going to get back with him or anything, but I've dealt with annoying ex's with past girlfriends, and if it doesn't stop, it inevitably puts a strain on the relationship. She's doing everything right, namely just not responding to his recent creepy text, but something tells me just by the tone of his text that he's not going away anytime soon, no matter WHAT she does, or doesn't do. If he writes her again, I think I'm gonna ask her if I can write something very short back, along the lines of, "this is Melissa's boyfriend. She's shown me your messages. This will be the last time you reach out to her," something along those lines. I am NEVER jealous of ex's, and really would have no problem if my girlfriend was friendly and cordial with an ex. I get along great with most of my ex's, even to the point where I talk with one of them about their current boyfriend. I have 0 feelings for them, and it enables me to be friendly. I never see her or anything, and the most we ever talk is an email once every few months just seeing how the other is doing, but this is obviously an entirely different situation. Its clear any contact between the 2 of them cannot happen, and I don't think its out of line for me to send him a response text if he does it again.

 

This is all very high school sh*t, and we're 28...I'm just not willing to put up with this guy if he doesn't leave her alone. I'm confident she will do whatever is necessary to get him to stop, namely just not responding to him, but if not even that sends the message, I think I'll have to intervene, albeit in a very straight forward, non aggressive way.

 

Any thoughts on that?

[Lauriebell82]

Why is she even talking to them? I'm married now but if one of my ex's suddenly started saying he wanted me to divorce my husband to come back to him I'll tell him to get the f out of here and not talk to him anymore.

 

You contacting her exs won't do much, if anything they will forsee that as some kind of game and step it up a notch. I think she needs to ignore them (as well as you) and eventually they will stop. I suggest you tell her that, if she refuses to ignore them then you definatley have a problem on your hands.

[Jake12429]

Well that's what I'm saying, they DON'T talk...they hadn't spoken in over a year when he randomly reached out to her over a month ago...she wrote back very straight forward, "I have a boyfriend, this is not appropriate." He said he'd leave her alone, but obviously he's back. She hasn't answered him since the email a month ago, but if ignoring him doesn't make him go away either, I have no idea what to do...it WILL cause problems if this kid doesn't go away. I agree that the best way to go would be for her to ignore him, but you just never know if that will work...sometimes it creates the "chase that which retreats/want what you can't have" type thing. All I know is, if he doesn't leave her alone, it will cause problems, and I won't put up with it for long.

[phineas]

It's very simple,

She changes her cell number & tells people she knows to update their phone book.

 

She changes her e-mail address & tells people she knows of the address change.

 

Problem solved.

 

Most people don't even look at the actual number or email. They use the contact name when corresponding.

 

It's not a very big deal to do & in the case of the cell probably won't cost more than $20.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree that the best way to go would be for her to ignore him, but you just never know if that will work...sometimes it creates the "chase that which retreats/want what you can't have" type thing. All I know is, if he doesn't leave her alone, it will cause problems, and I won't put up with it for long.

 

Ignoring works, it is just not an IMMEDIATE fix. Eventually they get the message, it just might take some time. We had a realtor (yes a realtor lol) stalk my husband and I after we had told him we weren't interested in working with him. He repeatedly called, emailed, facebooked, ect for like 2 months straight and we just ignored him. Finally he got the message and stopped.

 

I would think that threatening him or repeatedly telling him to stop contacting her would be less effective and take even longer.

[ConflictedGuy27]

these fellows are bordering on crazy.

 

usually I'd say ignoring them is the proper response, but rational solutions are reserved for rational people.

 

I suggest you advise your gf to send the following reply (if she gets another response from the same ex):

 

"I explained to you that I want you to stop contacting me. if you harass me again, I will go to the police, immediately."

 

if she gets a reply, I suggest she file a report. this guy could be a danger to you both if he actually is as unstable as you describe him.

 

good luck.

[Jake12429]

At this point, it hasn't reached the "stalker/harrassment" stages...we had a brief talk about it, and she decided its a good idea for her to respond to his latest nonsense and finally make it clear they're over. I'm of the mind that she already had that chance, he ignored it (or, more likely, she wasn't nearly assertive enough), and now he's making desperate hail marys (I want to marry you). Either way, whether she responds or not, this is the LAST straw. At this point, I don't care WHOSE fault it is, hers for not being assertive enough, or his for just being a desperate psycho, I'm not afraid to walk away if this crap doesn't stop. Life's too short; she's a great girl, but I'm just not willing to deal with some ex meddling in my relationship.