Will this feeling of self doubt and emptiness ever go away?

[zoezeroseven]

My boyfriend was like my husband for six years; we lived together and were almost never apart. I felt like I had settled for him though. I did and do love him very much, but I don't feel like it could last forever. For the first two years, he neglected me and wouldn't even give me a hug when I wanted one. I had to "do it" when he wanted, but it didn't work visa versa. So, I left him, but I could stand the pain. I even moved to a new town, but that only lasted about four months before I couldn't handle the pain anymore. He was calling my bestfriend and acting very upset, so I knew that he loved me even though he had to learn about conveying that fact in the relationship. He moved to the new town to be with me and we have lived together for another four years.

 

I love him and I have left him again. I want, and need, someone to dance with me, go places with me, laugh at my jokes, get along with my friends, and not withdrawal into himself, not saying a word every time we "need to talk." I need all the things he didn't give me. The problem is that the relationship wasn't "bad." We didn't fight, infact it was impossible to since he would withdrawal so bad, and we loved each other. All we did was hang out, eat, and sleep together though. He was always there, not for support, just there. He was a comfortable presence in the house. I felt safe that he wouldn't cheat on me and that he wouldn't leave me He was content to stay with me and do nothing. The problem here is that I'm straightforward (not bitchy), outgoing, and ambitious as hell!

 

I feel like I have made the right decision to get out before I spend more years just killing time with him. I could just settle for him forever and he would stay right by my side. The scariest part is wondering if I'm asking for too much. I feel like love isn't enough anymore; I want a best friend who loves me. Is asking for someone who loves you, is honest/straightforward, egalitarian when it comes to the house, ambitious, and sweet to much to ask? Am I searching for something I may never find? Have I left the one person who came as close to being my true love as I will ever get? Am I now on a hopeless search for a better mate? These questions and self doubt cross my head 24 hrs. a day.

 

It's killing me inside and I can't focus on anything. By definition, I am grieving the loss of something I made go away. Am I just being too hard on myself? Should I trust my decision? The world is a big place, but maybe I am doomed to be alone forever now....

 

Going grocery shopping is the worst!! Everytime I get home and start to unpack, I go into a self pity-soaked moan that takes me a moment to realize is coming from me. It hurts to see things that are his that he hasn't picked up yet. Even the way the bathroom is arranged is too hard to see, because I picture him using that mouthwash, picking it up from that very spot. I think about us standing nude in front of the bathroom mirror together every time I go to brush my teeth in the morning. There's this spot in my heart that is missing, that feels like it is never going to heal, that no one else could ever fill, and maybe no one will ever come into my life again.... I'm a terrible pessimist, but I can't help feeling this way, although, I do realize how negative it is.

 

Is this pain ever going to go away? Is this empty, black feeling of uncertainty and loneliness ever going to go away? I can't go back: It's not fair to him, I will never learn to be alone (my #1 fear which I feel I must face to be a better person), and my mom's assurance that I will "freak out like last time" will be confirmed. There's no going back.

 

Thanks for any comments ahead of time and for reading this.

[Arabess]

There are a couple of ladies on LS who are no longer happy in their marriages and are seeking a divorce route. I would think each of them will go thru the same feelings you are.

 

Even if a relationship isn't the right one for you....doesn't meant the person doesn't mean something to you or that you don't miss them. It's like a grieving process! Someone who was there....now isn't.

 

You made a decision which was right for you in order to get to a place where you can find fulfillment and happiness. Don't beat yourself up over it. Acutally, MORE people should assess their relationships...rather than just living in misery to avoid what you are going thru now.

 

This is a passing thing. Try to focus on what a great promising future you have ahead of you!!!!

 

I wish you all the luck and happiness.

[sherell]

I am also going thru a similiar situation, It has been 5 months now that my husband left, and although we are in counseling trying to figure out our direction, I realize now it was absolutly the best thing we could have done. In the beginning I was coming undone, and could not see any light at the end of the dark tunnel, I was experiencing a lot of the pain you are describing. But the one thing I know, I was not going to settle for less than I wanted or needed from my marriage. You also realize this. so be proud of yourself for knowing what you need and want in a relationship. I agree with arabess, you are mourning a loss regardless of how good or bad things were. There is no way to get around that, you just need to feel it until some of the pains subsides, and believe me it will. Try to do all the things that make you happy now, and be around supportive friends and family. best of luck to you.

[brashgal]

I spent twenty years (on and off) in a passive-aggressive relationship like this and finally put an end to it last summer. It takes awhile to get over the pain but trust me, it does get better. All you can do is be good to yourself, don't look back in anger and blame and move on. It does get easier.

[zoezeroseven]

It's very good to know that there are others who have been in a similar situation. At lot of the time it feels like I'm an island, that I'm making such a bad decision that no one else would think it was good. Of course, I know that I'm totally absorbed with negativity. I hope I can some day feel really good about going through this, but right now it hurts really bad and I doubt myself like crazy. Thanks again for responding; it's good to know that I'm not alone.