It ended today...

[Hinder]

My affair with my MM ended today & I'm a mess.

 

I don't know what happened exactly. I'm in such a bad place at the moment. I was so in love with him and now he's gone from my life and I'm guttered. I can't function...and it's only been 12 hours.

 

We never really discussed NC but I think he got scared today about my ex telling his wife or maybe even that I would tell his wife about the affair.

 

He's blocked me from Facebook, he won't answer calls or txt messages. He's just gone and my heart is breaking. I've never felt pain like this before in my life.

 

Please tell me it gets easier...please?

[desertIslandCactus]

Hinder,

 

If he is scared, that has to give you some indication about your relationship with him, and what it wasn't.

 

It appears the R ended and you didn't have the opportunity to explain in a final communication to him.

 

The truth is, even if he is in denial - he used you to enhance his life.

 

It will get easier. Tremendously easier. Just as soon as you realize that you Deserve much better.

[usher1310]

I have been in that place before (although he came back a week later and said it was because he BS was suspicious and couldnt have any comm. at the time) and i know the feeling, the not knowing why makes it worse i think but desertIslandCactus is right it has ended and my advice would be (as Hazy told me!) that if he does come back at somepoint make sure u know what u want to do.

[findingnemo]

Hinder, what you are going through is one of the most painful things that can happen to a person. I know. My advice to you is to FEEL the pain. Do not try to distract yourself even if it is the advice that people usually give. IMO if you feel the pain and ask yourself why it hurts and how you got to this place, it will help you make some much needed decisions. Ask yourself why another human being should be allowed to come into your life, change it and walk away without a second thought. Can you afford to feel this pain again and again?

 

I do not subscribe to moral judgements and never have. But from my experience as an OW once, I have come to agree that it is one of the worst decisions one can make. In such a relationship, you (general) relinquish any control of your life, your feelings and give to another person more than you would ordinarily give to those that really love you. It is an enticing trap but one can learn from it to avoid giving up too much of themselves so easily. It took me going through utter hell to understand why so many people are right when they say that to agree to be the OW shows a lack of self love. But being the practical type, I am glad I learned something from it. If you love yourself, you will never let someone hurt you like that again. It WILL get better - slowly.

[TigerCub]

Hey Hinder,

 

I'm so sorry that you're in such a bad place right now and you're feeling so hurt.

 

I know the pain an A can bring, but I can imagine that your pain is more so for the fact that things happened suddenly and you don't have answers as to why he's acting this way.

 

If he blocked you on facebook all of a sudden and you haven't heard from him, my guess would be that his W somehow found out about you.

 

The real reasons don't matter much because the end result is the same.

 

Getting past the pain required me to get to my 'angry' phase, and that really helped.

 

Maybe once your initial shock wears off, you can think of all the ways he's failed you, how right now, he just cut you out of his life without so much as a goodbye (I know right now this talk isn't helping), but it will help you if you get angry at how he treated you - that replaces the pain.

 

I do agree with another poster that said that you need to feel your feelings. There isn't much that can add comfort right at this moment, you just have to feel it and decide if he's even worth being sad over.

 

It will get better.

 

Also, I have a feeling that this isn't the end of it - he will contact you and "explain", then its upto you to be in control or not.

 

Stay strong - it will get better.

 

***HUGS***

[Gotti25]

Wow what a**hole thats a little extreme blocking you from facebook!! You poor thing !! If I was you id make sure the motherf*ker pays!!

[silktricks]

Time wounds all heels, and it sounds like your MM was one. To just cut you off without a word is mean, but as others have said, it does show you a lot about him as a person.

 

Time also does heal wounds, so it will get better. Keep busy. Treat yourself well. Do some special things for yourself - not things that will make you miss him, but rather things that you would choose to do alone (or with a gal friend) and that you enjoy.

 

Know, though, that in time you will look back at this and see it differently.

 

Take care.

[donnamaybe]

OP, are you okay? I note it's been quite awhile since your initial post, and I'm worried about you.

 

To answer your question, yes. It will get better. You will obsess for awhile, but that will lessen over time. Eventually you'll get angry, but that will also fade and be replaced by mild amusement mixed with contempt.

 

You'll be okay. Just post here and share your thoughts. It helps.

[ladydesigner]

OP, are you okay? I note it's been quite awhile since your initial post, and I'm worried about you.

 

To answer your question, yes. It will get better. You will obsess for awhile, but that will lessen over time. Eventually you'll get angry, but that will also fade and be replaced by mild amusement mixed with contempt.

 

You'll be okay. Just post here and share your thoughts. It helps.

 

Amen to the bolded! Isn't that the truth:laugh:

[Hinder]

I'm ok. I'm hurting like hell but I'm ok. I can't get out of bed and I can't stop crying.

[Shocking Pink]

Wow, Hinder, I'm so sorry! I know you loved him but were trying to wean yourself off him. I wish this didn't hurt so much for you, but it sounds like he was not the right guy for you, he is not playing nice with your heart not even saying goodbye! Keep your chin up Hinder it will be a rough time but it does get better, broken hearts heal stronger!

[donnamaybe]

I'm ok. I'm hurting like hell but I'm ok. I can't get out of bed and I can't stop crying.

Crying can be very cathartic, so let those tears come!

 

Thank you for responding, Hinder. I really was concerned.

[Hazyhead]

So many good posts here that I'm not sure I can add anything, only the more you hear people say it, the more it sinks in. I'm so sorry youre hurting. It stinks. Cry it out; it will help. But, do something for me, as you cry and think of the wonderful times you had, start to counter each one with a little thing he did (or big) that you know was unfair and disrespectful. Over time keep him in perspective as much as possible, this will get easier too - seeing him for who he really was and not how he presented himself to you will help you get to the next stage.

 

Your healing process depends on you. Time and strength will get you there. I have to say, the one thing that has held me back was allowing him back in. But that's me. I'm now well on my way and truly appreciating a drama-free life where I come first. You, and I, and so many others deserve better. One step at a time and keep posting.

 

Hugs

Hazy

[mbm69]

I'm ok. I'm hurting like hell but I'm ok. I can't get out of bed and I can't stop crying.

 

You and me both...

 

I understand more than you can believe...

[Emme]

Hold on hun you can do it. It's hard as hell but this is our group therapy sessions. It kinda sorta helps.

[Goldenspoon]

My affair with my MM ended today & I'm a mess.

 

I don't know what happened exactly. I'm in such a bad place at the moment. I was so in love with him and now he's gone from my life and I'm guttered. I can't function...and it's only been 12 hours.

 

We never really discussed NC but I think he got scared today about my ex telling his wife or maybe even that I would tell his wife about the affair.

 

He's blocked me from Facebook, he won't answer calls or txt messages. He's just gone and my heart is breaking. I've never felt pain like this before in my life.

 

Please tell me it gets easier...please?

 

It is a good thing. Now, he can just focus on his wife and romancing his wife on Valentine's Day.

[Hinder]

NC is apparently over again. I got an email earlier saying the reasons he deleted me from Facebook & why he didn't ring me yesterday. It seems pretty reasonable to me. In the email he finally REALLY opened up about how he feels about me. He said things he has never said before.

 

But one thing I have realised is he's never going to choose me and that hurts like hell, but I'm glad I know now.

 

How do I stop loving him..? How do I stop thinking about him constantly..? How do I move on from this..?

[fooled once]

My affair with my MM ended today & I'm a mess.

 

I don't know what happened exactly. I'm in such a bad place at the moment. I was so in love with him and now he's gone from my life and I'm guttered. I can't function...and it's only been 12 hours.

 

We never really discussed NC but I think he got scared today about my ex telling his wife or maybe even that I would tell his wife about the affair.

 

He's blocked me from Facebook, he won't answer calls or txt messages. He's just gone and my heart is breaking. I've never felt pain like this before in my life.

 

Please tell me it gets easier...please?

 

Hinder, like so many others, I am so sorry you are hurting. Does it get easier? Yes, in time. Unfortunately, you can't rush the healing process no matter how hard you try.

 

Hinder, what you are going through is one of the most painful things that can happen to a person. I know. My advice to you is to FEEL the pain. Do not try to distract yourself even if it is the advice that people usually give. IMO if you feel the pain and ask yourself why it hurts and how you got to this place, it will help you make some much needed decisions. Ask yourself why another human being should be allowed to come into your life, change it and walk away without a second thought. Can you afford to feel this pain again and again?

 

But from my experience as an OW once, I have come to agree that it is one of the worst decisions one can make. In such a relationship, you (general) relinquish any control of your life, your feelings and give to another person more than you would ordinarily give to those that really love you. It is an enticing trap but one can learn from it to avoid giving up too much of themselves so easily. It took me going through utter hell to understand why so many people are right when they say that to agree to be the OW shows a lack of self love. But being the practical type, I am glad I learned something from it. If you love yourself, you will never let someone hurt you like that again. It WILL get better - slowly.

 

Finding nemo is right. Take your time to grieve. Cry, be upset and find something to comfort you. Try to not get all wrapped up in the "why's" and just know that the ending came for a reason, which although you may never know or agree with, in the end, it probably is for the best. I am really sorry you are hurting

[Shocking Pink]

It is a good thing. Now, he can just focus on his wife and romancing his wife on Valentine's Day.

 

WTF. That is totally uncalled for.

Did you never hear the saying, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?

 

NC is apparently over again. I got an email earlier saying the reasons he deleted me from Facebook & why he didn't ring me yesterday. It seems pretty reasonable to me. In the email he finally REALLY opened up about how he feels about me. He said things he has never said before.

 

But one thing I have realised is he's never going to choose me and that hurts like hell, but I'm glad I know now.

 

How do I stop loving him..? How do I stop thinking about him constantly..? How do I move on from this..?

 

I know this isn't a happy ending Hinder but if you know now deep down that he's not going to choose you maybe this was a good thing? You've already got the initial shock and first wave of pain over with, maybe it's time to re-establish NC, from your side this time? If you really want to stop loving him the only way is to get away from him, and take the time.

[fooled once]

NC is apparently over again. I got an email earlier saying the reasons he deleted me from Facebook & why he didn't ring me yesterday. It seems pretty reasonable to me. In the email he finally REALLY opened up about how he feels about me. He said things he has never said before.

 

But one thing I have realised is he's never going to choose me and that hurts like hell, but I'm glad I know now.

 

How do I stop loving him..? How do I stop thinking about him constantly..? How do I move on from this..?

 

You realize that you deserve someone of your own.

 

You realize that life is too short to be a hidden secret.

 

You realize he is disrespecting you by being an OW.

 

You realize you are worth more than that and that love with someone available is better than part time with someone elses spouse. (I say this because you imply you want a full time monogamous relationship with him).

 

You realize it is better to be someone's priority than their option.

 

You put one foot in front of the other and demand more and if you don't get what YOU want, you move on without him.

 

It will hurt, but you will be taking control back of you life, your wants and your desires.

 

Good luck.

[Hinder]

The last few days have just been a whirlwind...I struggle just to think about it let alone live it

 

I thought my relationship with my MM was over but today things have definitely changed. Throughout the day emails, txt message & phone calls have been frequent and although it was hard I stuck to my guns and just kept telling him I love him and what I want from him and if he can't give that to me, it's ok but I can't see him anymore. He sent me a email saying we should cut contact for a month & see what happens, I agreed but of course was guttered Several hours later he phone me...he was a mess. It took me about 10 mins just to get him to talk. Finally he said he can't imagine his life without me... He's in love with me... and wants to talk about how we can start our lives together. :eek: I'm still in complete shock. He wants me to meet him tomorrow to talk....

 

I don't want to get excited but this is all I've ever wanted to hear from him. I really don't know what to expect from our meeting tomorrow but I'm hoping to stay level headed and get some definite answers out of him

 

Advice...?

[findingnemo]

The last few days have just been a whirlwind...I struggle just to think about it let alone live it

 

I thought my relationship with my MM was over but today things have definitely changed. Throughout the day emails, txt message & phone calls have been frequent and although it was hard I stuck to my guns and just kept telling him I love him and what I want from him and if he can't give that to me, it's ok but I can't see him anymore. He sent me a email saying we should cut contact for a month & see what happens, I agreed but of course was guttered Several hours later he phone me...he was a mess. It took me about 10 mins just to get him to talk. Finally he said he can't imagine his life without me... He's in love with me... and wants to talk about how we can start our lives together. :eek: I'm still in complete shock. He wants me to meet him tomorrow to talk....

 

I don't want to get excited but this is all I've ever wanted to hear from him. I really don't know what to expect from our meeting tomorrow but I'm hoping to stay level headed and get some definite answers out of him

 

Advice...?

 

Hinder,

 

I bolded the part where you give yourself some good advice. Let me add this:

 

1. Do not have ANY expectations either way.

2. Listen to what he has to say and then insist on NC to give him time to sort his life out. MM should not leave because he loves you. He should leave because he is in the wrong place regardless of how he feels about you. After he has left and settled down ALONE, he should find you.

3. He may be telling the truth about not being able to live without you. I can't live without my MM and yet 7 years after ending it, I am still breathing. He doesn't know what is life is with you anyway because he has been in a M all along. So please let him find out how he really feels by going into FULL NC.

 

I know that I may be "raining on your parade" but you need to be cautious and strategic about this. I don't want you to end up in bed hurting again.

[Owl]

The last few days have just been a whirlwind...I struggle just to think about it let alone live it

 

I thought my relationship with my MM was over but today things have definitely changed. Throughout the day emails, txt message & phone calls have been frequent and although it was hard I stuck to my guns and just kept telling him I love him and what I want from him and if he can't give that to me, it's ok but I can't see him anymore. He sent me a email saying we should cut contact for a month & see what happens, I agreed but of course was guttered Several hours later he phone me...he was a mess. It took me about 10 mins just to get him to talk. Finally he said he can't imagine his life without me... He's in love with me... and wants to talk about how we can start our lives together. :eek: I'm still in complete shock. He wants me to meet him tomorrow to talk....

 

I don't want to get excited but this is all I've ever wanted to hear from him. I really don't know what to expect from our meeting tomorrow but I'm hoping to stay level headed and get some definite answers out of him

 

Advice...?

 

Be VERY, VERY cautious here.

 

Words are that...only words.

 

His ACTIONS are what tell you the truth. You've not described much about what's going on...but it sounds as though things may be coming to a cusp in his marriage perhaps, and he's going to be forced to choose.

 

Don't let him baffle you with words...watch his actions.

 

Have you truly sat down and thought out what specifically it is that you want out of this situation?

 

What outcome are you hoping for?

 

That he end his marriage and potentially marry you?

 

That he maintain both marriage and affair?

 

What outcome are you hoping to get from this...and what do you think needs to happen in order to reach that outcome? And...is he willing to do what he needs to in order for that outcome to occur?

[sally4sara]

The last few days have just been a whirlwind...I struggle just to think about it let alone live it

 

I thought my relationship with my MM was over but today things have definitely changed. Throughout the day emails, txt message & phone calls have been frequent and although it was hard I stuck to my guns and just kept telling him I love him and what I want from him and if he can't give that to me, it's ok but I can't see him anymore. He sent me a email saying we should cut contact for a month & see what happens, I agreed but of course was guttered Several hours later he phone me...he was a mess. It took me about 10 mins just to get him to talk. Finally he said he can't imagine his life without me... He's in love with me... and wants to talk about how we can start our lives together. :eek: I'm still in complete shock. He wants me to meet him tomorrow to talk....

 

I don't want to get excited but this is all I've ever wanted to hear from him. I really don't know what to expect from our meeting tomorrow but I'm hoping to stay level headed and get some definite answers out of him

 

Advice...?

 

The things you say about the progression of things - do you see it?

You make a decision about the status of things in this mix; about what is best for you in regards to what you've been given.

 

Then he calls or sends a message and POOF! all gone is your resolve and course of action. You've become a living, breathing reaction to his impulses. Its that a good thing when he is so chaotic? Do you intend to live out your days this way where you decide what is best for you and that decision is only as firm as his fancy? Do you believe this would stop if his wife was out of the picture? I wouldn't bet on it because it is happening to her too. He seems to require his SOs to be as puppets.

[JaneyAmazed]

The things you say about the progression of things - do you see it?

You make a decision about the status of things in this mix; about what is best for you in regards to what you've been given.

 

Then he calls or sends a message and POOF! all gone is your resolve and course of action. You've become a living, breathing reaction to his impulses. Its that a good thing when he is so chaotic? Do you intend to live out your days this way where you decide what is best for you and that decision is only as firm as his fancy? Do you believe this would stop if his wife was out of the picture? I wouldn't bet on it because it is happening to her too. He seems to require his SOs to be as puppets.

 

Hinder, you've already experienced not being able to get out of bed and the hurt of not knowing what's going on. Unless he makes serious changes and sticks with what he says, your roller coaster ride will continue. If you want to get off the roller coaster, you may have some of those days when you don't want to get out of bed, but those days will end, and at least you can progress from there. His impulses will no longer control your life and your happiness. If he continues the way he is, you will go back and forth from excitment to heartache...there will be no stability. You know how that is. After a while, that will wear you out and leave you regretting you didn't get out sooner.