Sugarkane Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 From reading other people posts, if people do get back together, its not for very long anyway. Whats the point if nothing changes? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 I ponder this too, as I would love a second chance, but I know it wouldn't work as I've seen a darker side to the ex now and wouldn't be able to trust her again. My view on second chances is your giving the dumper permission to do it to you all over again. The reason I think about wanting a second chance is because I remember the good times more than the bad and believe there's something special that can be had again. Love makes one blind to the facts and it's only when we're moved on can we see the truth. For some, they need that second chance to realise how bad things are, only then can they walk away for good. That said, sometimes it can work if both parties are committed, but if the dumpee has begged and pleaded to the point where the dumper has come back I fail to see how that can ever work. It should always be the dumper who does the begging and pleading. Link to post Share on other sites
z00m25 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 well my first time around we talked for about 6 months but i was still rather shy..3 years go by and i saw her for the first time in that long and just acted completely unlike myself doing everything i wanted to but never did the first time and we were together for 1.8 years and were both "happy" a majority of the time so it def worked better the second time around. but one drunken text conversation ended all that lol now i am back to hating everything about her for how she handled things. all depends on who the 2nd chance is with IMO Link to post Share on other sites
reknown29 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Its complicated and different from relationship to relationship but generally, there will be underlying resentment when a couple gets back together. Even if you seem to have worked things out, how can the dumpee fully regain trust in the dumper? The dumper will have to work extra hard at regaining this trust and they usually wont because there heart is not fully there to begin with. There are extreme circumstances but they are far and few between. I would say 99% of the time it doesnt work out. Forget and Move On!!! Maybe a miracle will happen in the future if it was really meant to be. just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
willpower Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Its actually pretty easy to see why they dont work. The relationship broke down in the first place, so that means that one or the other of the people involved was unhappy about something to the point where it could not be resolved or there was an unwillingness to resolve it. So the relationship breaks up on the terms of the person with the underlying unhappiness. Now if the relationship was healthy in the first place chances are the issue was talked about and an effort was made to sort things out. This did not work as it ended in a break. So the unless there is a fundamental change in the character involved, or a genuinely different outlook from this person the second chance is doomed to fail under the same strains as the first relationship. This is linked into why people get second chances. Its usually because the people involved are yet to move on to a new partner, start feeling lonely or wanted to have sex and then the ex is the easy option. The lonliness or lack of intimacy with someone will cloud your mind and draw you back in. When do second chances work? This is not from experience but I study himan psychology as an interest and I would say second chances work when the first relationship failed due to external issues that have become solved with the passage of time. For example when people meet really young, they may simply want to date around more before settling down. By the odds of probability once in a while a pair of sixteen year olds will meet and make a great match but wonder what other people are like. They may split then re meet later in life after realising they are each the best the other has found. Also geographical issues, finance, attachment to old partners (kids with them) can all get in the way but become a non factor with the passage of time. For a second chance to work a genuine change must be present by one or both parties and I believe that means significant time passing between the break and the second chance. Its entirely possibly the other person will fall in love with another during this time making this form of second chance the most unlikely to occur, but probably the most likely to succeed if it does transpire. Link to post Share on other sites
gator12 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Lack of communication. People go into NC and reconcile but during that time did they really look at the relationship? Did they really fix the behaviors that lead to the first breakup. When they get back into the relationship the same issues come up again, and the second chance is ruined. And it is stupid. Working on your problems is a GREAT way to keep your mind off of your ex, if you don't change anything and you make your second chance a second try of the same relationship nothing will change. A second chance should be a completely new relationship, if your issues haven't been fixed or change, don't reconcile. Don't rush into it. This is advice for anyone in NC, fix what you were responsible for in the relationship and be ready to communicate, don't expect to get back together and it be easy. It will take time before the relationship is even 90% of what it once was. The second try should be a better relationship, but that requires effort on both sides, before reconciliation and during the second chance. Communication and maturity are keys to this. -Gator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 most people try so early, i believe second chances do work but months maybe years down the line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 About a month ago I had a second chance, but as someone said my whole heart wasn't in it... I guess that's was what I wanted -just to know that she still felt something- and that was it... it was nothing like the first time and to be honest I took the whole thing in a cynical and detached way... I spent the whole month breaking up the damn relationship but it was until a week ago that she relented and went NC, like myself... I suppose second chances work out when there is not much resentment... who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
dextm Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Because it's suppose to be a fresh start but it never ends up that way. Some way, somehow, someone has to bring up something prior to the first breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick1983 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 There is no point because usually there's a good reason to a break up.I was with my ex for 8 years and we broke up 3 times.I can't speak for everyone but I think a break up means it's broken and you can try a fix it but stresses and strains will uncover the weaknesses again and your back to square one.Move on because there is always better. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Breaking up is like totalling a car. Yeah you CAN put all the work into repairing it, but it's never going to run the same afterwards and will have all kinds of problems despite the work you put into fixing it. Would be smarter to get a different car and let the totalled one rot in the junkyard. Or scrap it out for parts Link to post Share on other sites
dextm Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Maybe people are just seeking perfection, ya know? People that chase perfection the rest of their lives usually end up with no one.... People that don't chase perfection can still end up with a "happy" life, just not a perfect life. It's all about degrees of happiness. How much you want. The bare minimum you can take to live a healthy, sufficient, satisfying life. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 It’s like having a nice meal, regurgitating it in a pail and eating it a second time – it’s the same food but just doesn’t look, smell or taste like it! Enough said… Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Depends on what's changed in between. I know two couples who got back together after a number of years. Life had changed for each of them to the point that maintaining a steady relationship was practical for them. Each couple now has children, so, basically, when they were ready, they were ready, and they both happened to be single at the time. Don't count on it. Look at what you can do better in a new relationship and work on that. If you do hook up again with an ex, you have to hook up as the people you are now, not the people you were then. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 A friend of mine was at the same point in her r/l with her beau that I was with my ex: looking at rings, planning on getting married. Then his dad died and he was distraught and broke things off. They eventually got back together after more than a year apart and recently got married. My sister and brother in law were together for four years, she dumped him, they were apart for several months, then got back together and shortly after that, engagement plus marriage. They've been married for 8 years now. I don't think it's realistic that my ex and I will ever reconcile: for my part I have to heal from the breakup and forgive her for breaking off our marriage plans. That will probably take at least a year (I'm at four months since the b/u occurred). For her part, she has to solve her intimacy issues, and she doesn't seem to have the slightest interest in doing that right now. She needs lots of counseling and therapy to overcome her issues and change and best as I can tell she is not doing that. It would be a timing thing: by the time I've healed, and by the time she has grown up and matured and learned to be more comfortable with intimacy, we'll both have likely moved on and fallen in love with different partners. Link to post Share on other sites
2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 If you are not that used to a relationship then it can be easy to make big mistakes even if the other person has not had many RLs either. It's just if you are not used to it, and plus when you hit the end of the honeymoon stage it can be a shocker for people maybe new to RLs, they then maybe blame their partner of self-doubt themselves and are maybe scared of speaking out and discussing it but in actual fact it is just part of a RL but they are not experienced enough to handle it. This then leads to the inievitable coldness and detachment (because of inability to resolve issues) that we have all experienced at one point in our stories here. I have heard of a lot of people breaking up and getting back from all age groups, probably the ratio is about 70:30 or so. People imagine a RL is going to be some magical trip from beginning till end, but it isn't even with the right person. In fact wouldn't you be suspicious if you met someone and nothing went wrong ever, they were perfect, you were perfect and you never had doubts or anything; would be quite boring actually. 2011 Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Breaking up is like totalling a car. Yeah you CAN put all the work into repairing it, but it's never going to run the same afterwards and will have all kinds of problems despite the work you put into fixing it. Would be smarter to get a different car and let the totalled one rot in the junkyard. Or scrap it out for parts What if you are a good mechanic? Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I want more than anything my ex to give me a second chance. I have been working on myself and better for it. But what if he does come back, and I believe he will one day...? It will take so much hard work to rebuild the trust. I will not be able to stop asking questions, did he have an affair etc etc. How could he abandon us etc It would take a lot of hard work and he has put me through hell already? Would it be worth it? I really dunno.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I want more than anything my ex to give me a second chance. I have been working on myself and better for it. But what if he does come back, and I believe he will one day...? It will take so much hard work to rebuild the trust. I will not be able to stop asking questions, did he have an affair etc etc. How could he abandon us etc It would take a lot of hard work and he has put me through hell already? Would it be worth it? I really dunno.......... You ANSWERED your own question since you're holding a grudge for the "he has put me through hell already" how on earth would you be able to go into a second chance try and be open, fair and loving? You simply won't! Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I know and that is what saddens me too...... I am so sad today and tearful, locked in the past again..... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I'm a big fan of this guy's material. He explains why second chances usually do not work. Sometimes they do, but it usually means an extended break between the two partners, and when they come back together they are usually two different people entering a different relationship. Most of the time a second chance is just a replay of the first one: http://lovesagame.com/wp-content/uploads/downloads/7reasons.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I'm a big fan of this guy's material. He explains why second chances usually do not work. Sometimes they do, but it usually means an extended break between the two partners, and when they come back together they are usually two different people entering a different relationship. Most of the time a second chance is just a replay of the first one: http://lovesagame.com/wp-content/uploads/downloads/7reasons.pdf Not Usually, always! If a second chance is to work both people need to have changed in the fact that they need to have fixed the issues that lead to the breakup in the first place. If they have not changed they will break up for the same reasons all over again, so many people don't realize this. The longer you are broken up the better the chance of a second chance working, a 1 week break up is bad! You shouldn't get back together that soon, nothing has changed. You will break up again. Lol people need to wrap their heads around this fact, relationships take work. And work really requires more than one or two weeks apart. -Gator Link to post Share on other sites
holly4u Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 They rarely seem to work because people don't put in the right effort to get their ex back. Its not simple and easy it takes work Link to post Share on other sites
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