Is this cheating or simply keeping your options open?

[grinsmuch]

Hello

 

I was hoping to get some advice.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 11 years. Recently, I found his ex-wife's phone number in his planner. The number was a recent addition. So, I went searching. It is the first time I have ever gone through his things. I couldn't help it, though. He's never given me a reason to look before. My question was this, why did he have a number from his ex-wife, who lives in another state and whom he has no children with? He's been divorced from her for 13 years.

 

I found two letters. One was sent in January along with some photos of his children that he had from a previous marriage. She said she thought he would want them. OK, fine. The second letter was postmarked in February. She had sent his papers from the Navy when he had been discharged. Again, in case he needed them. This time she thanked him for his letter. So, now I know that he has written to her. She asked many questions: Are you married, involved, etc. She notified him that she was not and was very lonely. GREAT!!

 

So, I gathered he had written a thank you letter to her and left it at that. She wrote back wanting more information about his personal life. OK, it's not her fault, she doesn't even know I exist.

 

I asked him only about the phone number when he came home. He told me he had it from when they were married and had just kept it. He added that he had had no contact or correspondence with her. LIE!!

 

He through the phone number away and told me I had nothing to worry about.

 

Well, I know he hasn't cheated on me with this woman - she's in another state. I know he didn't write anything to lead her on, or she wouldn't have had so many questions. My concern is this: Why lie to me about the correspondence and why hold on to the letters? What is going on? It would seem logical to tell me his ex-wife sent photo of his children and his NAVY papers. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

Any replies would be appreciated.

[stonegate18]

Sometimes guys find it best to avoid such things. Not for their sake but for the comfort of their girlfriend. We tend to feel guilty even when we have done nothing wrong. If you ask me, he jsut doesnt want you to worry. That is jsut my opinion though.

[sportsloving]

Why where you going through his planner in the first place?

 

Why did you not tell him that you knew she had sent the pictures and letters or the navy papers?

 

My guess? He received the letter and pictures, wrote a thank you, got a letter back, probably didn't respond or if he did, a short thanks for the papers blah blah.

 

I don't know that finding her number in the planner would have given me any cause to be searching his personal effects. Personal means they are his and his alone. If you hadn't looked, you wouldn't be squaring off with him now. You know that he lied and you wonder why he did... are you a jealous person? Does he think that the contact with the ex is over and hence no reason to really bring it up?

 

Eleven years is a heck of an amount of time to be spending with someone whom you don't seem to be trusting. If I had a say, I would lay it all out on the table, and communicate with him... see what he has to say about it all, and if he gets over the fact you snooped... and pried... well, see what he says about the ex.

 

Ex-es are ex-es for a reason. He said you had nothing to worry about, and in fact I am guessing he didn't tell you because he really felt there wasn't going to be any other communication and he didn't want you to worry or fret.

[grinsmuch]

Hello

 

Thank you for your replies.

 

In response to his planner, it's community property in our house. It holds family and friends phone numbers. We both use it. My concern arouse because her name and number were new additions.

 

It seems to me that we keep names and numbers of people we call or plan to call in the future. This is the reason for my concern. I felt it was warranted. He knew I would see her name and number in there. So, why not tell me about the letters? Come clean.

 

Yes, you're also right. I believe I should come clean about the snooping as well. I find it hard to do so under the circumstances.

[Fedup&givingup]

I can see why you were alarmed. I would have been also.

 

I think that you do not have anything to worry about...if he put his exes number where you would have seen it, then it was in fact harmless. The number wasn't hidden.

 

Also, I don't know if you should necessarily tell him that you snooped...I can see the basis of you doing so, and he didn't come clean with you and tell you about the letters and pictures.

 

Just let it go for now. If anything else strange should come up, then worry about it. Otherwise, relax

[yes]

"Just let it go for now. If anything else strange should come up, then worry about it. Otherwise, relax "

 

-yes