Engaged friend kissed me, should I tell anyone?

[ariestheram]

Hi, I have been reading the great advice in these forums all night and am hoping to get some for myself as I am in quite a conundrum. The problem surrounds a good male friend, let's call him James.

 

I have been with my BF, on and off, (but mostly on) for 7 years. I've finally accepted our relationship is fizzling out, and plan to take a break from it when I can work up the courage. James and I have known each other for around 4 years and attracted to each other the whole, but since we've always been in respective long term relationships, so not much has happened, aside from 3 or 4 drunken kisses, all initiated by him.

 

I lie, we also slept together last year when his fiance went home early and my BF was away. Neither of us has told a soul and we never really spoke about it. I was so drunk I don't even have any memory of it. The guilt I felt afterwards has pretty much been what's ruined my current relationship as it's such a emotional burden to keep alone.

 

So last night, my BF and I had dinner with James and his fiancee. We drank more than expected and I offered to walk around the block and pick up more wine. I'd dreamt about kissing James the night before and when he insisted on accompanying me, it was clear he had the same intention.

 

On the walk I spoke of my current relationship troubles (we are very close, this wasn't unusual), He had his arms around me as we walked and told me that I've been appearing in his dreams. We kissed under a tree and my knees were so weak I literally almost fell over. 10 minutes later we were back in the house pretending nothing happened. He asked I me if I would see him alone before his wedding, which I would do if meant conversation, not sex, but I can't be sure which he's after...

 

Sorry, this is so long, I'm just so confused and there's no one I know In Real Life that I can talk to about this. Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel the only person I can talk to about this is James but I feel he needs to initiate any conversation. I don't know how I can sit through their wedding. I'm not sure if I should tell her. Any suggestions would really help.

 

Oh, please don't tell me I'm a bad person, I already know that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Umm... I guess this is why some people strongly believe that males and females can't be just friends.

[ariestheram]

Right! I should have stuck to gay male friends. No argument from me there.

 

So, you think I should just cut all contact with him?

[PegNosePete]

Tell his soon-to-be-ex-fiance. Wouldn't you want to know if you were in her situation?

[carhill]

My advice perhaps is unorthodox.

 

1. A number of people have a drinking problem. Address that.

 

2. Tell only *your* BF. Work your relationship out or go your separate ways.

 

3. Leave the engaged couple to work their own stuff out.

 

See the first step again. It's the most important one, IMO.

 

Good luck

[uncool]

If you want James as a husband then you need to tell him now before it's to late. It's obvious he'd rather have you as his fiancée.

You two are in love with each other... quit kidding yourselves and do something about it before you guys hurt the other two people (your BF & his fiancee)

[Chi townD]

Okay, first off. Don't call it taking a "Break off" from your relationship with your boyfriend. Just call it what it is, "breaking UP".

 

Question? Why did you cheat on your boyfriend? Well, regardless, I think you should find the courage and break up with him. Obviously, you're not serious about this guy and he deserves to live his life and to find someone that's gonna share it with him.

 

This James "Friend" really isn't a friend to anyone. He gets his sexual gratification from you and he's STILL gonna marry his girl! What does that say his opinion of you is? You need to cut ties with EVERYONE!!! and start fresh.

 

Sorry, if this sounds a little harsh...a little tough love.

[lkjh]

Can you really disrespect your bf any less? You slept with another guy and then keep him around to rub it in your bf's face

 

 

Look you need to work on some self issues before you form a relationship with someone.

 

Your actions are horrible. Can you imagine if your bf did the same thing to you? Slept with his "friend" than kept both of you around.

[ariestheram]

Wow, thanks so much for the advice. Just seeing some options laid out in black and white has really helped.

 

I don't think I could tell James's fiance what's going on. I think James should, before he marries her. I can't get involved there as I don't know her well enough but I can't see how he can go ahead with it. If I spoke with him I'd tell him that. Like Cahill said, I think its for them to work out.

 

I'm not sure I want James as a husband, Unloved. I'm holding out for him to contact me, I wish I could spend more time with him; we've always avoided being alone together as there is so much chemistry there. So I love him a bit, sure, and I don't think he's as bad as Chitown says, only just as bad as me...

 

However as the last poster said, I've got some issues to sort out before I get involved with anyone and look forward to being single again rather than jumping into a messy relationship with James. I've been in long term relationships my whole life and really need some time on my own.

 

Why did I cheat on my BF? Apart from being horrible? Lust, opportunity and impulse I guess. I no longer feel any emotional connection with BF, we're on different wavelengths and I always have to repeat myself, he's happy coming home, turning the TV on and not saying a word to me all night. I've told him over the past few years I need more communication from my partner, but it's only got worse. Whereas with James, we can talk with our eyes, we understand and support each other better, we're more creatively aligned...

 

How would I feel if my BF was doing the same thing? Honestly, probably quite relieved as it would be a clean break for us. And he would be less hurt that way. If he wasn't so traditional I'd love to have a open M with him. He is 31, fit and only initiates sex once or twice a month, so who knows- he could already be doing the same thing! I've only recently accepted that I need to break with him. I'm so glad that after 7 years we're not M or with kids. I'm thinking it's best to do it without telling him about James if it would hurt him less. But yes, I need to break up with him soon.

 

The big thing on my mind is James's wedding. Maybe I'm being vengeful, but I can't understand how he can intend to go through with it. I've been waiting all day to hear from him but all I got was their wedding invitation in the post..

[Chi townD]

Wait...Wait....You got an invite to the wedding? Wow, he has a big set on him. And yes, he is that bad. He doesn't respect your relationship with your boyfriend. Regardless of the state of your current relationship, as far as your boyfriend is concerned, he still thinks he's in a committed relationship. AND he doesn't care about his girlfriend and the coming wedding. When you're getting married, you are so stupid in love you don't even think about other women, peroid. Therefore, in my opinion, he doesn't love his girlfriend and I can say with a degree of certainity, I would be shocked if the marriage lasts more than a year.

 

But he's sitting pretty, he gets to married the girl he *cough* *cough* loves and have his lover at his wedding!

[ariestheram]

I totally agree. He must be enjoying this game more than me to feel he can get away with it all. I've also been invited to her bridal shower, I'm not sure how I can get out of it. The worst thing is...he proposed to her not long after we slept together last year...we hadn't even spoken about the night we spent together at that time and I found out about their engagement through my BF.

 

Until the other night, I thought he must have worked things out with her, but now I'm sure their marriage can't last..I feel that somehow I have to help his fiancee, but then part of me thinks she may know what he's like and chooses to ignore it for some reason. Or it's none of my business. But then he's made it so.

 

I've been waiting for him to contact me, which I don't think will happen for a while. I think he thinks if he ignores me it absolves him or something. Would you recommend I try to talk with him?

[Chi townD]

Why?

 

Look, you're in a fog. This guy is telling you what you want to hear and you're loving the attention. He's filling a emotional void where you're boyfriend isn't. I don't know you from Eve, but I venture to say a lot of your problems with your boyfriend started after you cheated on him. Look at what you wrote. You have nothing bad to say about "James" and nothing good about your boyfriend. This guy is toxic. You state that this guy is your friend. Well, I beg to differ. A friend doesn't hurt the other. And yes, he's hurting you. How did you feel when you had to find out that he got engaged through a third party? I'm guessing a little betrayed? A little angry? I mean, come on! He just made love to you! That had to count for something right?

And what does that say about his character? He just had sex with you and shorty there after asked someone else to marry him? This guy is a playa and more importantly, a coward.

 

I'd say walk away. I would warn his girlfriend...but walk away.

[hoping2heal]

My advice perhaps is unorthodox.

 

1. A number of people have a drinking problem. Address that.

 

2. Tell only *your* BF. Work your relationship out or go your separate ways.

 

3. Leave the engaged couple to work their own stuff out.

 

See the first step again. It's the most important one, IMO.

 

Good luck

 

I think this is great advice. Should she know about all the cheating, of course. Would she believe it coming from you...doubtful.

 

You need to cut all ties with this guy, be honest with your BF and either you two will work past the betrayal or you will go your seperate ways. Clearly, James and yourself have a destructive relationship. You need to be away from that and get out of the fog.

[Imajerk17]

Well, first of all I don't like the title of your thread. It implies that James is the only guilty one here, like he suddenly came on to you and you were just there. That's not what really happened.

 

I'd say that you need to break it off with your current. No need to tell him about you and James. How James handles it with his fiancee is his own business. I really feel bad for her though, if she gets married to him and you're still in Jame's life. She is really getting a raw deal.

 

And while we're at it, yes, you do have a drinking problem.

[hopefully]

He's just not a monogamous person. Please break up with your boyfriend and cut all ties with this guy. He WILL cheat on his wife or whoever he's been with. I have never seen a guy who could happily get married and still shameless eating other cakes. His fiancee will be heartbroken in a couple of years. She will find out wan kind of guy he is.

[ariestheram]

There's a big part of me that wishes I could just move away. Run away I guess. But I've just accepted into grad school and need to stay here for at least the next 12 months. I'm trying to work up the courage and $ to seek some prof help. I'll also need to do some reading into this 'fog'. Reading back over my posts I can see there's some truth in what you say Chi Townd. I need to accept that James is an a***hole and get him out of my life. But then there's a part of me that thinks, 'who am I to judge him, I'm treating my BF just as badly'. But then, I'm not the one making dramatic gestures to cover my guilt.

 

The problem is, it's hard to cut myself out of his life as we're in a tight social circle. If I refuse to attend the wedding, people will start asking questions. I'd lose a lot of friends. I deserve any consequences that come my way, I know, but I've struggled with depression and other MI since being r*ped at 12 and finally have a good strong circle around me. If this comes out to everyone I will lose everything that I've worked so f**ing hard for. I'm not trying to make excuses, just explain. I can break up with BF without ruining that, but to tell him about James, would break his heart and affect his trust with woman, he's quite introverted and doesn't need that hanging over him.

 

I'm tempted to contact James to say that he needs to cancel the wedding, but wonder if I only want to do that so I don't have to go. I definitly don't have any intentions of having a LTR with him. I think we both are behaving so badly that we need to spend some time in solitary to be honest. I can't trust him and I can't see how he could think that it's ok to go through with a wedding in a few weeks.

 

Again, thanks for all the advice, it's really helping me see the wood from the trees..

[Imajerk17]

Well, I salute you for accepting responsibility and at least caring enough about your actions being wrong and how you need to change. No one can really judge you. I do feel bad for the two innocent people being wronged here though.

[ariestheram]

Ok, I've been lying awake all night, trying to work this out, taking all advice into account. I've lied next to BF all night feeling every inch the fake that I am. I'm not a good actor, I'll have to break up with Bf within the week. I've obviously not heard anything from James. I've decided to call him today and tell him I'm aware of the games he's trying to play, that I don't want any part of it and that I think he really needs to get his head together before he stands in front of everyone and lies during his vows. (I can't sit there during the part when they ask if anyone has a reason for this.....)

 

It's hard to understand where this streak of morality comes from in me but I think that if anything good comes from this, it'll be setting my BF free and letting James' fiance know what she's getting herself into. Somehow.

 

Any thoughts before I call him?

 

Cheers.

[ariestheram]

Well, first of all I don't like the title of your thread. It implies that James is the only guilty one here, like he suddenly came on to you and you were just there. That's not what really happened.

 

I'd say that you need to break it off with your current. No need to tell him about you and James. How James handles it with his fiancee is his own business. I really feel bad for her though, if she gets married to him and you're still in Jame's life. She is really getting a raw deal.

 

And while we're at it, yes, you do have a drinking problem.

 

I agree with most of what you say. Especially your first point. Is there anyway I can change the title? It doesn't reflect the situation well at all.

[Chi townD]

Well, all I can say is that "James" is gonna be worried that you're gonna tell his girlfriend. Try to talk you out of it, perphaps even threaten you. That's why I'm against calling him. Perphaps a little FB message from anonymous person to his girlfriend would be enough to put things on hold.

 

As far as your boyfriend is concerned. I would ask you to stop playing games with his life. If you break up with him, he'll ask why. I think you need to be honest with him tell him how you feel and let him know something inappropriate happened last year. Believe it or not, he probably already knows and is just in denial. His heart doesn't want to believe what his mind is telling him. Prepare for the fallout.

 

You really need to cut all ties, and I would strongly suggest to never cheat on anyone in your future relationships. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see the pain in his eyes.

[ver13]

Why are you asking anyone else what you should do I mean you realize that this can't go on the way that it is. If he was just your BF then you wouldn't have has Sex with each other. If you were his soon to be wife would you want your man doing this with his BF. I'm not just referring to a friendly peck or a hug I mean the whole thing.