Wife of 7 years Wants Seperation 1 yr after Twins

[jl1497]

Well, I don't know where to really begin. I figured I could use some advice, form people going through similar situations, anyways heres my story.

 

I've been with my wife for 10 years, and married for 7. We got together at 18 and I am now 27. We have twin 1 year old girls (just turned in jan) and a 5 year old son.

Our marriage and relationship has always been very strong, and we have been very close. Probably to the point of extreme. We never went out without each other, and never spent a night away from one another. We always claimed to be each other's "soulmates" and have been very open about our expectations, and love for each other.

My daughters were born in Jan of 10, and in the last year my wife who has always been very calm, and caring person, started to get angry over little things for no apparent reason. I admit I've had my share of flaws, and when my girls were both born, I had some issues accepting that we now had twins. That doesn't mean that I was a bad father, I just wasn't as helpful as I could be for the first 2-3 months of their life. My wife and kids have always come first to me, and are the most important aspects of my life.

After those first 2-3 months, I finally woke up and realized having these twins, is a 2 way street, and I need to be helping my wife more, and trying to make her life easier. Since that point I have tried be the best husband and dad I can be. We split everything right down the middle when it comes to chores, and taking care of the kids. I thought this would help her anger and stress level, it didn't. Over the course of the next few months, I left my job due to some issues beyond my control, and it caused strain on my relationship. My wife started pulling away from me, and showing me affection. I tried everything I could to try and fix the issues, but it ultimately caused my self anxiety, because I was trying so hard to make her happy, and looking for constant reassurance. We managed to talk things through, and maintained our strong values, and views on our life and relationship. My wife always said her biggest fear was losing/breaking apart her family. Well, this Jan we went on vacation to mexico from 2-9 had the most amazing time together. We were close in love, and connected at the hip, no short in the affection or "love" department. I really thought some of the issues were gone, and she agreed, not to let the stress get to her as much anymore, and to try to process things better. Well we get home, and the kids are sick, and she realizes she missed a deadline at work, and after being home for 4 days, she asks me to leave and seperate. Well, I leave the next morning, and by 3pm that days she is begging me to come home, because she loves me more than anything and knows in her heart, I don't cause all her stress, and she will never question us again, and she swears she knows we are right, and meant to be. So I come back home, and everything is incredible for 4 days, and then she went from I love you more than anything one day, to get out and leave on the 4th day of being home. This time she says she is done, and there is no hope for us. She doesn't want to be with me anymore, and there is nothing I can do to change the isssues she has presented towards me. I have begged her for a chance, and to consider what she is doing, and how this is affecting our kids, and how this makes no sense but she does not care. She won't let me come home or consider fixing this. She says everything else was out of fear, and that she knows in her heart this is right. She is very cold and mean. I have been out now for 1 month, but she will not file for divorce because of fear. She wants us to eventually file, but not get lawyers involved, because we should work this out on our own, and their is no need for it. I have begged, and tried every avenue to change her mind to no avail. I'm finally starting to give up because I can't put my self through this pain any longer. I know in my heart eventually she will wake up and realize, I just don't know if it will be too late. I have since been going to counseling, and got anxiety medication. She went to one session of couples counseling and then quit, because she doesn't want to fix this, and doesn't need any help for her self. Her mother is Bipolar, and she fears becoming like that, and her parents have been in a love less marriage for years, and yet have stayed together. Not sure what to do, sometimes she listens, and talks to me, but gets very angry at the smallest things.

Edited February 15, 2011 by jl1497

[What_Next]

jl1497, is is possible there is someone else? Your story is SO familiar. There are too many symptoms to ignore.

 

Start digging.

[Chi townD]

Dude, I think she might be bi-polar herself. The flip flopping of emotions. Loving and needing you then within 24hrs wanting nothing to do with you. Just something to consider.

[BlindRage]

She wants a divorce? Give it to her.. WITH A SMILE. Show her that your world revolves around your KIDS and YOURSELF; not her. She made up her mind on not being with you and you've already attempted to change it, what did you get out of it? Nothing, you're just conveying to her that she has made the correct decision. If you keep on demonstrating weakness to her she will NOT perceive your strives in any positive manner, rather, they will fall and fail in-vain, also note: 'in the end, you will have achieved nothing more than demean yourself worth.'

 

It won't be worth it. As I have stated above -give her the divorce (actually, ASPA is best)- if when that time comes she feels that it is a mistake she will let you know and won't sign anything until you give her the chance to fix the problem. If she doesn't have that change of heart, it is best to not even be around (or even have hope in any future occurrence between the both of you).

Edited February 15, 2011 by BlindRage

[tryingmyhardest]

Could she be suffering from post-partum depression, it seems, like she has some issues, since your twins came. I'm not feeling the OM in the picture as much as the other posters.

[Albertan]

There's obviously more going on here....and that doesn't necessarily mean OM. I agree with tryingmyhardest - could well be a serious case of post-partum depression.

 

The stress of one baby is enough but twins is something else. Although that said, to be bouncing your emotions around and asking for a divorce seems a little extreme.

 

Only piece of advice I can give you is don't beat yourself up about the first few months of babies life. We all have up's and down's and we all look for the "why" when things like this happen. Blaming yourself here (from what you telling on your side), is not doing you any favors.

[jl1497]

Hey All thanks for the advice.

 

I have tried really hard to distance my self, and show her I can move on without her. I won't lie it is hard, but it did yield results. She went from I love you still, but it's just as a best friend, nothing more. To I do still love you, and she wasn't happy that I was "having fun" with my friends. I finally convinced her to agree to try and re build our friendship, and take it slow and see where we come out at the end. However, that is the most that I can get out of it. I do think something is wrong with her, because she is not the person I know. We truly were each others best friends, and now I feel like I don't even know her. At this point, i'm trying to push my self to figure out who I am without her, but it's just really hard. I manage to go for a day, and feel like I can be ok without her, to the feeling that I miss her so much. This being said, I know I have to show her I am strong, it's just easier said then done. I miss my kids and the life that I had, I have only been able to see my kids once a week due to my schedule recently. Hoping she will have a change of heart soon. Someone doesn't go from I love you more than anything, and can't live without you for 4 days, to i'm completely done. So Confused!