Letter to my husband from 2009

[Nutmeg617]

I just came across this letter that I wrote to my husband a year and a half ago in a desparate attempt to get through to him. It was very strange for me to read this and realize that the only part of this letter that has changed is that in the last paragraph it seemed I still had some fight left in me....

 

S___,

I decided to write to you because I really don’t know how to talk to you anymore. It’s so painful to know that we are completely falling apart. It’s out of control, it’s very serious, and if we don’t both make the decision to change the way that things are I don’t think our marriage is going to survive. That hurts my heart more than you know, because I do love you very much and I want J___ to have the opportunity to grow up in a loving family. He means everything to me, and when I look at his little face after we’ve had a fight in front of him I feel like the worst mother in the world. It’s selfish and he learns bad lessons from it. He doesn’t deserve to watch his parents yell and scream at each other. The problem is that I don’t know how to control my anger with you. In the beginning of our relationship I always thought we balanced each other so well. We got along well, we rarely even argued let alone fought, and our future just seemed like it would be so amazing. We brought out the best in each other. These days are so much different. We rarely talk much anymore, and if we do it usually ends up in some sort of argument. And now our future, to me, is very uncertain. I don’t feel like we’re a team at all. A partnership doesn’t exist to me. Somewhere along the way we became adversaries, and now we bring out the worst in each other. I think we’ve come to a crossroads where it’s time to decide…..stay…..or go…..

 

When you think about me, as a person, as your wife, as the mother of your child, what can you definitively say that you know about me? How close do you think we’ve gotten as two people? Because I will tell you that I consistently feel misunderstood, unappreciated, uninteresting, alone, unimportant, and shut out.

 

I feel misunderstood because I feel that you don’t really listen to what I say. When I speak it seems like your mind is elsewhere, thinking about what you feel like thinking about, and so when I finish what I’m saying you have to try to piece together what I’ve just said to make it seem like you heard me. Sometimes you are successful, but mostly not. I don’t always say anything, but it doesn’t go unnoticed.

 

I feel unappreciated because I don’t think you truly see how much of myself I give to you and J___ You don’t see me lying awake at night thinking about the bills, what appointments need to be made, does J___ have enough formula, does S___ have lunch for the week, crap I forgot to do laundry today now S___ has no work pants and he’s going to think I’m being lazy. We sat down and made the decision together as a couple for me to stay home for as long as we could make it work to take care of J___. That was our agreement. But now when we fight you often make comments that I sit around all the time, that I don’t work, that you have to get up every day and go to work. I keep telling you how much that hurts my feelings, but you don’t seem to understand. You don’t care that most nights I get about 5 hours of sleep, that I get him up and dressed and fed, play with him all day, fight with him, feed him lunch and many times dinner, keep him out of harm’s way, try to teach him things, and clean up after him. You don’t care that I’m mentally and physically exhausted by the time you get home from work. All you seem to care about is that you had a long day at work and now you’re home and you want to relax. I can appreciate that want, because I want that too. But I am Mom, so I can’t always stop. The laundry needs to get done (not always every day, but it gets done), the bills need to be paid (what of them we’re able to pay, which is a whole other story), dinner needs to get on the table. I feel like I am the calendar of this family, keeping track of appointments, family obligations, friend obligations, parties, holiday arrangements, and everything else that comes up. Why should that all fall on my shoulders? Why is it that I should be the one to coordinate what goes on in this entire house and our lives outside of it? What is your part? I care about this house and this home so that’s why I do it all, and I may harp on you from time to time to do things, but that’s only because it’s only fair. I grew up with equality in my family. My parents both did dishes, both did laundry, both knew what was happening in each others’ daily lives. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for us.

 

I feel uninteresting because I can’t remember the last time you asked me a question about myself. Think about that. When was the last time you asked me something about how I felt about something, or have I ever experienced this, or been here, or done that? I don’t know if you assume you know everything, or if you just don’t care anymore, or if it just doesn’t occur to you to wonder.

 

I feel alone because I spend a majority of my time with a one year old. When you do come home you’ve been making excuses that you have to use the bathroom so that you can be away from us for 20 more minutes. Once you do join us I try to ask you how your day was, you say it’s fine. I ask you if something is wrong, you’re just tired. I try to have some sort of conversation with you, it either fizzles out or turns into a fight. I feel like you’ve separated yourself from me in your mind. Like we’ve become roommates. And a lot of the time I feel like you resent me for making your life what it is right now. You’ve become bitter towards me, like I’ve done you wrong somehow, and you just don’t regard me the way that you used to. I don’t feel comforted when I’m sad, or supported in my views on things. If I am upset and crying about something I don’t have my husband there to console me and make me feel better. I’m left to deal with it on my own. If I tell you about something that someone did to wrong me during my day you often give me that person’s probable point of view rather than having my back in the situation. I see other couples on the street, or on TV, and I see how they are with one another when they’re really in love. How they look at the other person and you can just tell that they’re proud to be with them. How they can make each other laugh, talk easily about anything, and just have a general desire to be with one another. When did we lose that? And how do we get it back?

 

I feel unimportant because many times I try to ask you to do something a certain way and you are immediately defensive and angry because you think I’m criticizing you, when I’m really only trying to help make things easier for you. It’s hard for me to stand by and watch you do something one way, when I’ve found an easier way to do it. I can understand your frustration and your wanting to do it your own way, but I feel like when you get angry with me about it that you’re saying that my way couldn’t possibly be better so why am I bringing it up? It makes me feel like you don’t think my opinion or my experience means anything to you.

 

I feel shut out because of your wall. I’ve always known, since we started dating, that you have a gigantic wall built up. I never had any idea it would be so difficult to break through. How can a marriage last if you never let your wife see your true feelings? If you never let me in, how can I ever be there for you? It’s so frustrating when we manage to start having a civil conversation, rather than a fight, and I think to myself that finally you’re going to give me some insight into why you are the way you are, and then there’s silence. You get to a point and you just shut down and there’s no more getting through to you. It’s so counter-productive that it ends up giving me something completely new to be upset about than what we were discussing in the first place. So now, not only am I angry or upset about one thing, but frustrated to boot that you won’t talk to me about it.

 

I know that your parents’ divorce took a huge toll on you. I know that it probably changed you in ways that I could never begin to understand. I don’t want J___ to have to go through that too. I don’t want him to ever think that any of our problems are his fault. I don’t want him to have to spend different days with different parents. I don’t want him to end up with stepparents one day. I want him to grow up with parents that are good examples to him. I want us to be able to show him what a husband and wife, a mother and father, can really be. I want Christmas mornings all together, I want family gatherings, portraits that include all of us, maybe another child down the road if we can clean up this mess. That’s what J___ deserves. That’s what any of our future children deserve. But I think the only way it’s ever going to work is if we both learn to compromise, become partners again, and be consistent. I don’t want to be on my own side anymore. I can’t sit here and say that I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together, because one thing I will not do is lose myself. I will not lay down like a dog and let my values get kicked aside. I will stand up for myself, and I will ALWAYS do what I think is best for J___. That being said, I am willing to work very hard to give J___ the life he deserves, and to try to get us back to being happy together again. I know there are a million more things I want to say to you, I know I’m forgetting something, but it will have to wait for another time. For now I will just say I love you. And we’ll leave it at that.

[Mick1963]

Thanks for sharing, Nutmeg. I wish my wife had written a letter like that last fall, when she was feeling miserable about our marriage and thought I was "pitiful" (her word) - and before I entered into an affair. She didn't tell me about her feelings until a month into our separation. It's been a little over two months since our split, but we're slowly piecing our relationship back together.

[Nutmeg617]

I'm sorry to hear that it came to an affair, but glad that you're working on reconciling.

 

Just out of curiosity, if you're wife had written you a letter like this, what would you have done? I'm just asking because I'm at the end of my rope and I could use some perspective. Especially from a husband's point of view. What would cause a husband to read a letter like this and be unresponsive? Seems like there are a lot of left spouses who wish they would have had some sort of communication from the WAS, but if they had gotten it would it have been enough to start making changes?

[lastresort]

If my wife would have written me a letter like that I would have made the changes to myself that would have helped keep her in our home. Now she lives with her mom and I have the 2 boys mon-fri and she is already planning to file in the next week or so, she has only been gone 3 weeks and I feel my hope to keep my family together is gone.

She says what makes her really mad now is seeing how when she comes by to pickup/drop off the kids she see's I am doing the things she used to ask me to help her with and I just ignored. I wish i had opened my eyes and saw the pain she was in and maybe a letter like yours would have saved our marriage.

Thank you for posting it.

[Mick1963]

I'm sorry to hear that it came to an affair, but glad that you're working on reconciling.

 

Just out of curiosity, if you're wife had written you a letter like this, what would you have done? I'm just asking because I'm at the end of my rope and I could use some perspective. Especially from a husband's point of view. What would cause a husband to read a letter like this and be unresponsive? Seems like there are a lot of left spouses who wish they would have had some sort of communication from the WAS, but if they had gotten it would it have been enough to start making changes?

 

If I had received the letter and my wife made it clear it was either shape up or ship out, it would have gotten my attention. It takes a willingness for the husband to take a honest look at himself and decide if he still wants his family. A frank sit-down discussion between my wife and I, with my wife armed with a list of changes she wanted me to make, would've been just as effective. My wife isn't a very vocal or expressive person, which is one reason there was a breakdown in our communication between us. I'm not putting all the blame on her; I was so caught up in my selfish behavior (having many female friends, spending too much time at work, being overweight, my sex addiction), I took advantage of my wife's trust and neglected the needs of our marriage. The affair, her finding out about it and me getting kicked out of the house prompted me to make major changes, and it's turning me into a better man.

 

Maybe you need to have a sit-down with him, show him the letter again and give him the ultimatum to shape up starting now or ship out.

[What_Next]

I sure wish my wife had of written me something like this before she decided to have an affair and damned near rip our family apart (for the record I take MORE THAN my fair share of the blame). Although I'll admit I'm not sure if a letter would have really gotten through to me. I wish my wife had the ability to communicate the way you seem to as well, at least you got your feelings out there.

 

I've often thought about what would have woken me up to the potential end of our marriage and the answer is, I don't know and I'll never get the chance to answer that question.

[worldgonewrong]

Nutmeg-

 

Your letter broke my heart. So sad and heartfelt.

I felt that, in some ways, I could've written this same exact letter to my spouse.

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, I am so impressed by that letter.

 

 

It was... somebody... making an effort. Somebody... expressing herself.

 

 

At the same time it is clearly indicative of an environment wherein communication had/has fallen apart, and as such it is a way to document how far some relationships sink from the blissful period at the beginning.

 

 

Relationships are born with so much potential, and yet couples evolve so often to paint themselves into communication corners like this. I love that the OP here had the instinct to write so much of what she felt, and I have so much awareness of the mental challenges (wanting simple adult interaction) faced by someone who spends so much of her time with a one-year-old*.

 

*a perfect recipe for women landing online and spilling all of their troubles in chatroom environments.

 

 

I wish somehow that others could be caused to gain great understanding from the evolution of a relationship to the point at which one partner is writing a letter like this. (... probably to a guy whose own relative lack of depth rendered the effort less-than-successful)

[Nutmeg617]

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. It helps me to know that I did the right thing writing this letter at that point in time. Being that my H has been beaten over the head with these issues and then some prior to the letter and many, many times since....what else can I do to get through to him?? I'm at a loss, and I'm tired of trying all by myself. Do his actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words and it's time to finally cut the cord?

 

We had yet another talk the other night (well, I talked...) and I brought up this very letter and let him know that everything I expressed in it still applies today. If anything I could add several more paragraphs. He just hung his head in shame, and said he would work on it. I don't believe him anymore, though. I've heard it all before. I hate the yo-yo affect of thinking things will change, perhaps they do for a couple of weeks in some areas, and then I'm inevitably let down when things go back to the way they are now. How do I get over the guilt I feel when I think about breaking up my son's family? My son deserves so much more than what he's getting from this environment, but I also feel selfish for wanting a better life for myself because as a mother it shouldn't be about what I want. Starting to ramble....thanks again for listening....

[Woggle]

Chances are he doesn't know what to do. He probably wonders why things are falling apart around him and and has no clue how to stop it. When are confronted with anger they do not know how to soothe from a woman they just shut down.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If he reeeeeeeeeeeeeally felt "shame" whilst hanging his head... then there is hope.

 

 

Brow-beating him now and in the near future would probably be counter-productive, but IF you can be brave enough to show further vulnerability in person, and in the present (not in letter form)... then perhaps you can slooooooooooowly make headway on some of the issues.

 

In sexual terms, this would be akin to reaching for his hand and, um, applying it to your nether regions and clearly guiding him toward your pleasure.

 

You've documented the individual issues, now maybe pick a few of the more prominent battles therein, and make modest goals of serious progress on a few of them in the very near future.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day!