can I fix this problem with my fiancee?

[ama88]

Hi, my name is Andy. This post will be long, but please bear with me here, I am really needing help at this point. I have a fiancee, Tiffany, of almost three years. We are both 22. Yes, I am waiting for all the "you're too young" responses. Anyway, for the last 2 1/2 years, we were absolutely great. Dated for a year before I proposed, moved in together a year after that. We were known among friends and family as the couple who never had a real problem. Sure, we had small arguments, but who doesn't? However, I have pretty bad ADHD, which I am just now getting help with. I have a short temper, get mad at little things too much, and always seem "clingy". I have began making a serious effort to control both of these unhealthy actions.

 

I have had a few other relationships in the past, high school type, short, kiddie relationships, none lasting longer than a few months. Tiffany comes from the same background in that regard, she has only had two previous guys.

 

I have also had friends, their wives/girlfriends, and family, compliment me once they find out who I am and the things I do to help our relationship. I do dishes, laundry, clean, fix things if needed, all while working at home (I co-own a company with my dad) and going back to college. So far, Tiffany has been amazed with me, we have had a great life together. Both of us are more mature than most 22 year olds, I have had people mistake me for being 30 because I dress better than an old tshirt and ripped jeans, and I speak intelligently, and act the same way.

 

The problems began in November last year, when Tiff's family began house-hunting for/with her. I recommended continuing to live in an apartment as we do now, it was easier to manage at our age, especially being unmarried. I think deep down, she knew this, but her family insisted that a house was more suitable. This will come more into play later.

 

Fast forward a couple months, she finds a nice two story house, and we all began fixing it up. Her step-mother and real dad, who don't know me except as someone who is always in a bad mood (happened to be around them when not on my medicine, so seemed like an angry person to them) began screaming at me how worthless I was, I "bring nothing to the table", and just ranting in general. Tiffany was so upset about the whole thing, she had no idea what to say to defend me against them, but later apologized for not doing so.

 

Now, Tiffany has begun having "second thoughts". But I doubt, based on knowing her, how she still acts around me, and just a gut feeling, that SHE thinks this. Something tells me her parents have told her to question our relationship, and are trying to get me out of her life. Her step-dad and mom treat me like family, they are not the ones really doing this. However, they did tell her "we support you whatever you decide" which is understandable. She has become extremely stressed out. She won't even interact with me much at all the last couple of days.

 

Example, Valentines Day, I got her a card, plush dog, her favorite candy, and even cooked her a BBQ dinner! What did I get from her? Barely a thanks, and I had to initiate kissing her. That is pretty bad for any time someone makes you something that took all day, let alone on Valentines Day.

 

What really hurt me, and brought me here, was when she said she was "no longer attracted to me" and had "lost the feelings of love" she had. WOW. All we have been through the last three years, her finding out about my son via a short term girlfriend, dealing with my ADHD issues, daily life, work, all of that, and now she says that?? But, all was not lost. She says she does not want to break up at all. We still sleep in the same bed. We talk and joke around like usual. But, I can tell something is different. She has quit wanting sex because she "loses interest".

 

So, her family has told her (remember when I said, what her family wants, SHE wants?) that she should move in to "her" house for a month, I stay here at the apartment until our lease is up March 31, and then if things have improved, move in together again. But, she is afraid to stand up to any of her family, about anything. May be because she feels that because they set her up with the house, she doesn't want to upset them. Who knows.

 

But, I need to do something, quick, as in, the next two weeks. She's going with me next Sunday, my 23rd birthday, to visit with my parents, son, and we will all have a good time...I hope. I also plan on taking her out some time this week, using the movie/dinner gift card we got at Christmas from my parents. I will try to not get upset at all with her, and be funny, outgoing, fun to be around. I have not been that way with her recently, which may have lead to or exacerbated our problem.

 

My fiancee means a lot to me, and I know deep down I mean a lot to her. I think the stress of her family pulling her in different directions to do different things, is starting to break her. I can definitely see how that would happen. How can I get her "attracted" again.

 

I know for a fact she is not cheating, because she doesn't know many people, she has no guy friends. but I don't know if she is wanting something else. I doubt it, but really, I want to know what the REAL issue is here. Is she legitimately wanting some "space" away from family, everyone who has been stressing her out? Is it just me, or is she trying to get away from everyone? She won't say much about it, and I don't want to keep bringing it up, that will only make things worse.

 

Sorry that was so long, but point is, how can I find out what is REALLY bothering her? The root issue. She fell in love with me very quickly, and I, her. Is there any chance we can fix this, by me not being a jerk, taking her out to have time just together, doing something fun, like bowling or seeing a good movie? Should we go to couples' therapy? What are yalls thoughts on the whole thing, and what can we do?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

She fell in love with me very quickly, and I, her.

Ever heard the saying "easy come, easy go"? It seems like she fell out of love just as quickly as in.

 

I know you don't want to hear anything about age, but I'm not much older than you at all. This girl has never been in a serious relationship, and she's 22, and the honeymoon period of your relationship, if not completely worn off, is gettting there. From the sounds of things, I don't think the problem is "finding out what's REALLY bothering her, convincing her her parents are making her decisions"...she may genuinely have outgrown you.

 

Have enough respect for her not to tell her she's only acting based on her parents wishes. It sounds like the problem might be that you can't accept the truth sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel like I can relate to this quite a bit with several past relationships I've had.

[laRubiaBonita]

when was you having a son disclosed to her?

 

and have her step mom and dad only seen you in the last 3 years as a tool?

 

that just seems like a long time to never see the real you- unless they do not see you all that often.

[allina]

It sounds like she is starting a new chapter of her life with getting and fixing up the house and for some reason she doesn't see you as a part of that new life. You say you've been moody and not taking your ADHD medication, a moody, angry man is a quick attraction killer for women.

 

I'm also a little confused about the issue of you having a son. You said you have only had a couple short "kiddie" relationship but then you mention something about a son?? You also suggested that you didn't tell your fiance about the son and that she found out from another source. What's going on with that?

[Quiet Storm]

I think she is having second thoughts and you should just let her be.

 

I would tell my daughter to think twice about marrying you, to be honest. I am not trying to insult you, I am only stating that I would advise my child to really think this through. She could easily find a guy without ADHD and a son (you didn't tell her about).

 

You may be a great guy that has everything under control right now. But there is always the possibility that you could become unmedicated at some point, and I would warn my kid about that.

 

I would focus on myself if I were you, and less on her. Move on. Stay on your medicine and maybe things will work out better with the next girl.