My X is playing with ..my mind

[Mary3]

My bf and I had a fantastic relationship but when he could not find work here. he started looking elsewhere....I was very upset that he would consider leaving and I suggested he find something ( but similar ) outside his feld .

 

He became highly offended and took the trip to the other state to look for work anyway... During this time he acted strange and did not respond with " I love You " I Miss You "ect...while he was gone. .He was angry ..I found out later.

 

Seemingly overnite my world changed....He did not call me, did not act like he loved me at all...and after 5 days of this I told him. :" I know you don't love me anymore by your responses and actions and I think we should just be casual friends and see other people. ( I was very hurt but decided to be the one to end it ...)

 

After this a few days went by and I told him ( begged and pleaded ) to try to work this out and he said " he needed time "to think about it but that he did love me and cared about me.

You can try to imagine the tremendous pain ...

 

Well he became very * busy * and never had the time to come over and if he did come over it was * for just a little bit * ...might I add a little bit of sex. ...then wooops he had to go...!

 

So this went on for 7 weeks of agony....not changing....him being soooo busy and me dying a little bit more inside each day. ...

 

Well now he lives in the other state...and one night I told him " Please tell me what to do with my feelings ? Do you want me to forget about you ? Is there a chance for us here to save what we had ?

Of course he didnt say :" I want you to forget about me "

He didnt say " Leave me alone and get on with your life "

So he continues to call and I act like a happy puppy dog in the rain I lap it up...the attention...the loyal puppy waiting for what I dont know...

So what is going on here ?

Am I just a temporary interest until he finds someone else ?

Does he enjoy this attention ?

We had sooo much....very compatible...enjoyed being together...so you can understand how much I really wanted us to work on getting it back...

 

But he has said his career is the most important thing right now and I know he has changed his personal add and in it he says " He is ready to get on with his life ":

I want very much to have NO feelings at all and have tried very hard to move on but its hard when he calls and starts talking to me...

I want to add I feel that he cares about me but I do NOT think he is in love with me anymore...love means wanting to be with that person...sharing...communicating...unfortunately I am still in love with him....unfortunate for me I guess....

 

I would appreciate any advice.

 

PS: We have discussed working on a long distance relationship but somehow I feel he will just hang onto me til he finds someone...and if he doesnt find anyone over there he will have me in his back pocket...

 

Help

I am sure I sound pathetic....but I honestly do love him....

[Arabess]

It sounds like he has made a 'move' and is exploring the options of creating a new life for himself.

 

I don't think he is leading you on. He obviously misses you as his friend even though he does not want a relationship right now. He may also be hanging onto you incase he doesn't find anyone else.

 

You can remain his friend or you can decide to take a break from him and this roller coaster of emotions.

 

Maybe if you DID try some No Contact for awhile, it would be good for both of you.

[dyermaker]

are you alright with being used?

 

This is what is occuring. Cease all contact. Read some of the great posts on this forum, do a search for "contact", on how you can reconquer yourself.

[FreeMe]

Let's see - you've begged and pleaded, you act like a puppy lapping up his attention no matter what crap he throws your way. He has NO respect for you. NONE. And you're not giving him ANY REASON to respect you. You are acting like a desparate loser. STOP. This guy is never going to respect you now. As Dyermaker said, cease all contact with him. I know you love him, but he is going to continue to keep you dangling and never commit to you - because he doesn't have to. You'll accept any scraps he throws at you.

 

You sound like an intelligent and nice person. Please find someone worthy of your attention and affection.

[befuddled11]

Don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest....it sounds like he "wanted out"....and him moving to another state for work was his way to do it. If someone really wants to remain with someone, they'll do all they can to find work locally....even if it's in a slightly different field.

 

Don't beg him, don't plead, don't be all weak and emotional. Be strong and blow him off. He made his decision when he left.

 

Stop, for the love of God, acting like an eager little puppy when he calls. Yuck. That makes you look like you have no self respect and that you're so desperate for any crumbs he tosses your way.

 

You need to stop taking his calls. You need to cut off all contact.

 

He left you, he put you through "agony" for 7 weeks.......you want someone like THAT in your life?

 

You can do much better than that.

 

It's so sad when women allow men to sh*t all over them......how they will put up with being disrespected and treated like a doormat. GET TOUGH! GET STRONG! Tell yourself every day that you deserve better than to be treated (mistreated) like this.

 

If he wanted you in his life, he shouldn't have moved..and he SURELY shouldn't have put you through 7 weeks of agony. He made his decision, now let him live with it. By continuing to take his calls and be all sweet and nice to him, all you're doing is sending him a loud and clear message this his mistreatment of you, and disregard for your feelings, was "acceptable" and that you're just a desperate chump.

 

Now DO NOT tell us all, "but I love him"......wwwaaaaaaaaaa. Nevermind that. Stand up for yourself. Get in touch with some anger that you must be feeling for how he's hurt you...and run with it. Let that anger be what keeps you strong and keeps you able to screen your calls and NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT.

[zarathustra]

Don't kick yourself for continuing to love this man. That's what you feel, that's who you are. Relationships never end neatly: both people simultaneously deciding and declaring, "I don't love you anymore." We're not machines. We're human beings with all the accompanying creative disorder and messy complexity. You're not pathetic. You're a woman hanging on to love in love's ruins.

 

Your ex has residual feelings for you, and he's probably stringing you along until he finds someone who's not GU (Geographically Undesireable).

 

I know that hope springs eternal, but the chances of your love affair rising Phoenix-like from the ashes are slim to none. If he makes you happy, continue seeing him. If he makes you unhappy, stop seeing him. Use him as little or as much as you want. Just don't wish for miracles.

 

I'd get back in the dating game if I were you.

[asilisa]

You should take a break from him for awhile. Maybe stop accepting his calls and so on. Give it alittle time you might feel better.

[white_angelbreath]

Let him go he is not worth it. Don't be scared to let go, you won't die anyway but live actually on your own now. Takes time to heal the pain you have gone through.

[bethbeatrice]

I was in a similar situation once. I have found that the best thing was to move on. It was so hard. I ended up turning to my career and making myself successful. In the mean time, it gave my boyfriend the time he needed to figure things out. He came crawling back with his tail between his legs. I got the answer I wanted without pressuring him or sacraficing my pride. There is a downfall to this story. He took too long and I ended up realizing that he was not what I wanted. I think if he hadn't have waited for so long, we would be together today. So the lesson is, time can be a blessing and a curse. I know for myself though, that I am happy with the decision that I made.

[wishfullthinker2004]

I was in the situation. Only I was the one that left. Now I want him back! Dammit! Its tough, but he has lapsed into a state of depression and I feel to blame. BUT>>>>I'm still his friend, helping him through everyday. He was an unhappy man, that was why I left him, my love for him will never go away, as we had an AMAZING connection.

 

My thougths are, be there, but no TOO THERE...if you know what I mean. Go along w/ your life. Don't wait, you never know, just like that last post, he may come running back to you and you may decide you want him, or you don't. Be his friend...time will tell.

[celeste]

This sounds so much like my breakup with my ex a few years ago. I wish with all my heart that I had've forgotten about him, stopped calling him, and put him out of my mind from the day we broke up on. Do it.

[mommy78]

First of all, how long were the two of you together? If you posted it, I'm sorry I must of by passed it.

 

For one thing, a career is pretty important to some people, obviously to him. I'm not sure what type of background he has but for my man, he comes from a high priority family. Meaning, everyone in his family has a career. So it is highly important to him to have a career. I dont want to scare you but do you think he's telling you the truth about moving far away just for his career/job.

 

I, myself, have been through a long distance relationship before, and I bet you heard this many times, that long distance relationships dont work. Well from my experience and seeing situations from others, I dont think it works out.

 

But with my situation, it was a little different, he ended up moving back, so everything worked out and we're still together (this was 4 1/2 years ago). The reason why he moved back was because we were noticing that it wasnt working out as a long distance relationship.

 

If I were you, I would continue to see how things go. If he still acts "shady" and comes over just for a *little bit* then splits, it just doesnt seem that he cares enough about you. It may hurt to hear this. But a guy can say so much about the way he feels for a female but that shouldnt matter. It's all about showing it. If he cant show it when he's with you, then he doesnt care as much as you do.

 

But then again, guys can be *dumb* and *blind*. They can't see what you want if you dont tell them. Women think that men can read our minds, but honestly no matter how hard you give them that "signal", they just wont get it. You seriously have to "tell" them what you want and whats bothering you. You should tell him that you dont feel happy because he never shows it. And they also dont know what females mean by showing it. So you need to give him a specific answer like "you never just cuddle with me in front of the TV..." or "we dont even go out to a movie when you come to see me...." etc. Showing is one of the key answers to make a relationship work. Talk to him or let him go. It's not east to let the one you love so much go, but its easy to ignore phone calls, emails, etc. If talking to him doesnt work, try ignoring him and see if he crawls back to you. But dont expect YOU to do everything. HE has to do his part to.