Broken Engagement

[imyuinny]

This is my first post on Loveshack and if there are any input, its much appreciated. 4 months ago I was engaged and then my ex broke up with me. I am still coping with the anger and hurt, as i felt betrayed, lost and dejected.

 

I believe the emotions that I'm going through are the ego. I find myself getting caught up in it sometimes, thinking that he wasn't a bad guy and stuff like that and then getting angry thinking about what he did right after. Very hypocritical and I want to find a balance here, I'm trying to trust time to heal but it seems so hard each day when all these thoughts come in and I'm afraid it will manifest into insecurities. I've been reading, working and traveling and my heart still aches. I've gone boozing and still cry.

 

After reading a few posts here I came to realize that I have always fallen in love with the highest potential of a man rather than with the man himself. Let me explain that I have the habit to see the best in everyone and assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. And why my relationship failed is the fact that I waited for him to ascend to his own greatness without knowing I was pressuring him. Many times in romance I am a victim of my own optimism. It's been 4 month's and yes I've had flattering offers but I feel the fear and I'm afraid of commitment suddenly. When before... it seemed so easy.

 

I would love to thank Loveshack for having this forum, as it helps people day in and day out to deal with their struggles and they're not alone.

[ZachNormand]

Life goes on... You're not the only person in the world with whom a breakup happened.

It definitely seems like the hardest thing one can go thru in life, but you have to take

it as an experience to make you stronger and move on with life.

[imyuinny]

Been thru breakups but this seemed to be the one that take the cake!

 

When I said 'yes' to the proposal, I was looking forward to a future together and whatever problems we have we deal with it together like any other couple. I was so wrong! My heart got ripped when he SMS me to breakup. I was so confused for a while because when I asked him what should we do about the engagement, he said anything and opt just to postpone. It was so confusing because I thought that he just needed time to sort things out, only to find out that he doesn't love me anymore and blames me.

 

Why would any dumper be bitter and cold to the dumpee? Did I do something wrong here?

 

Before he broke up with me, we first chatted and then became a heated argument. I brought up the topic about the doubts that people had about our engagement and my own too, complicating as it seems, yes I should have known better that this was a disaster before it happened. Which I apologized right after as it is unfair, but I too had my doubts and needed reassurance. In the end, he said he had enough and didn't love me anymore. That the love for me has died.

 

I wanted to make it work and thought it was just a phase and asked for us to have a chance again. He gave an ultimatum which I then took 3 weeks to decide not to do it because I did not want to start a relationship with pre-conditions. It was so goddamn torturing because what turned out as a talk turned into an ugly break up.

 

I don't know how to deal with it sometimes... any good advice?

[Graceful]

Been thru breakups but this seemed to be the one that take the cake!

Well, I think a broken engagement would certainly be the leviathan of breakups for sure. Then again, for me, the breakup that involved my ex cheating on me was the worst pain I've even been through. So we all have one that "takes the cake" and when that happens, the pain is horrible and feels never-ending.

 

You don't give too many details about the dynamics of the relationship (when it was good) so it's hard to give you much advice.

 

It sounds like there was an undercurrent of some sort of pressure, resentment, and aggression in your communication pattern, but again, I don't know what that stemmed from prior to the final blow out.

 

A blow out like the one you had is the build up of LOTS and LOTS pent up emotions and repressed emotions.

 

My heart got ripped when he SMS me to breakup. I was so confused for a while because when I asked him what should we do about the engagement, he said anything and opt just to postpone.

Not sure I understand this.

 

It was so confusing because I thought that he just needed time to sort things out, only to find out that he doesn't love me anymore and blames me.

Why would any dumper be bitter and cold to the dumpee? Did I do something wrong here?

He blames you for the fact he fell out of love with you?

 

I brought up the topic about the doubts that people had about our engagement and my own too, complicating as it seems, yes I should have known better that this was a disaster before it happened. Which I apologized right after as it is unfair, but I too had my doubts and needed reassurance. In the end, he said he had enough and didn't love me anymore. That the love for me has died.

Again, it appears that you were not on solid footing for a long time. All of this surfaced at once, but the undercurrent of doubt was there all along from the sound of it.

 

What was his ultimatum?

 

It sounds like the two of you were not in sync at all, and that your pain is understandable, for sure, but that the break up is going to save you in the long run. From what you wrote, it just sounds like the two of you had completely different expectations of marriage and how your relationship should and would work.

 

After reading a few posts here I came to realize that I have always fallen in love with the highest potential of a man rather than with the man himself. Let me explain that I have the habit to see the best in everyone and assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. And why my relationship failed is the fact that I waited for him to ascend to his own greatness without knowing I was pressuring him.

This doesn't sit well with me, either. Sounds like you did not accept him for who he is, but were waiting for him to change. It's one thing to expect that we all evolve and improve as humans, but this business of "ascending to his own greatness" is a bit unsettling. I mean really, are we all meant to do that, isn't it enough for to be happy with who you are, and work hard, perhaps, but are we all supposed to aspire to "greatness" ?? Really?

[imyuinny]

My mind is trying to sift through all of this to figure out what really happened. At that time when we try to talk things out, a lot of it didn't make any sense. I talked to my friends about it and were just as confused about the whole thing.

 

I am sorry for I know how it feels when a partner cheated, its one of the biggest betrayal one could ever feel. This breakup was one that left me feeling so lost and confused and suddenly didn't know who I was anymore.

 

We had our good times and truly I felt he was the life partner for me. I believed in him and be there for him when he needed me the most.

 

My heart got ripped when he SMS me to breakup. I was so confused for a while because when I asked him what should we do about the engagement, he said anything and opt just to postpone.

 

About this part, it went over a span of few days so I summarized it. We didn't talk on the phone because whenever I try to call him to clear things up, he always hang up. When he SMS me to breakup, we met up 3 days later as I replied on the SMS that we need to talk this out... not over SMS. When we met up, I really wanted to sort things out. It didn't make any sense to me that just few days ago we were talking about wedding dates and now this... what happened? Is it cold feet? I got nothing out of the conversation only about what I had done and did. It was all about how my family treated him, how I treated him and how my friends treated him. I was baffled as we didn't do any sort that he accused. He went on to say that my family is poison, so on and so forth the insults. I had no clue and truly was devastated and heartbroken as he felt that he was never approved as a fiance. In my mind, I really think that he is truly confused. It went on and on this battle. When I try to talk to him and tell him, nothing of that sort is true. He went on to tell me I was a liar and so on. That I made him feel he was never good enough for me. When I try to reflect and think whether I did, truly I didn't. Then I realized maybe its because whenever he was feeling down I always told him, I believed in him and we can always get pass this. I always tried to make him feel good without realizing that perhaps I was pushing him(?). I don't know thats why I mentioned the last quote.

 

After reading a few posts here I came to realize that I have always fallen in love with the highest potential of a man rather than with the man himself. Let me explain that I have the habit to see the best in everyone and assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. And why my relationship failed is the fact that I waited for him to ascend to his own greatness without knowing I was pressuring him.

 

After all the drama, I sat and thought and asked myself do I still want to be with him. My heart said yes and so I told him how I felt and how I'm committed to make things work as I did see a future with him. He then told me about the ultimatums. I was not happy when this happened because truly I will never bring up ultimatums unless necessary like cheating, gambling, drugs and what not.

 

The ultimatums were this:

 

1. Never bring up unnecessary issues

 

2. To move out of my family home to be alone, not to move in with him

 

3. To give each other space and time

 

 

To be frank, its relatively an OK ultimatum but I was kinda struck by confusion at this point still. It took me about 3 weeks and decided that I was not comfortable with this at all. Sure we can talk like adults about this but as an ultimatum(?). Your right Graceful, Yes, we've had undercurrents for a while and I've been wanting to talk to him about it but overall he just doesn't want to deal or talk about it at all.

 

I ask myself did I push him away by talking about it? Did I lack confidence in myself? Did I accept him for who he is? My god! I have all these thoughts racing around... Prior before, I thought talking about issues together is what any couple would do to settle things and move on. Confidence as a person, well yes and no. I do accept him for who he is... but now after all these things happened, its like I really don't know anymore. Was it really me?

[fiat500]

Never bring up unnecessary issues as an ultimatum? what kind of prick does he have to be to issue this? aren't you supposed to talk about things as partners? what is the point of even being together if you can't do this or live together. is he stupid? he sounds stupid.

 

how long did you know him for? he sounds like a child.

[imyuinny]

I knew him for about 2 years. In between we had lots of hiccups. One that made my friends really worried, concern and doubt. There is a history here one that involve violence. That was before anyway.

 

It was an intense relationship. I always believed in talking to my partners, as I treat my partners as my best friend. But after this, I don't know anymore... He is 8 years older than me.

[Graceful]

Thank you for taking the time to provide more details. I also hope that it helped you to write it down for your own peace of mind. After writing the details, it helps you to look back and think of things that you might have been missing during this confusing, hurtful time.

 

When you are hurting this way, nothing makes sense. So let's slow down and maybe make a little sense of things, because I am thinking now that you were in a situation that was like a "time bomb" waiting to go off, and it was only a matter of time before it imploded. SO I want to help you see that there was more than meets the eye going on here with your ex.

 

I am sorry for I know how it feels when a partner cheated, its one of the biggest betrayal one could ever feel. This breakup was one that left me feeling so lost and confused and suddenly didn't know who I was anymore.

Thank you for being so nice to offer me those kind words about my own betrayal. I can see your breakup is even worse than mine, I think, because what is happening to you is not as clear cut. But anyhow, I do understand how much pain you are in, and how it leaves you with this sense like you didn't really know your ex at all. And there you were, expecting to marry him.

 

It was all about how my family treated him, how I treated him and how my friends treated him. I was baffled as we didn't do any sort that he accused. He went on to say that my family is poison, so on and so forth the insults. I had no clue and truly was devastated and heartbroken as he felt that he was never approved as a fiance. In my mind, I really think that he is truly confused. It went on and on this battle. When I try to talk to him and tell him, nothing of that sort is true. He went on to tell me I was a liar and so on.

In him telling you all this, and accusing you and your family of not approving of him, if you change all of the pronouns, this is what is called "projection" and what he was doing was projecting all of his own insecurities onto you and your family and friends. When he said that your family is poison, you change that to, "I am poison" that is what is going on inside of him. When he accused your family of not approving of him, it was him saying, "I am not good enough for you" and instead, he lashes out at your family because he cannot deal with and does not understand his own insecurities and where they come from.

 

You are right. He is a very insecure, confused, and troubled person. And him lashing out at you like that was a build up of a lot of emotion that he can't deal with and does not understand. But you know something? You cannot fix him, and you cannot help him. He needs help, but that is not going to be something you can do for him or even with him.

 

That I made him feel he was never good enough for me. When I try to reflect and think whether I did, truly I didn't. Then I realized maybe its because whenever he was feeling down I always told him, I believed in him and we can always get pass this. I always tried to make him feel good without realizing that perhaps I was pushing him(?). I don't know thats why I mentioned the last quote.

For a normal person, being encouraged by someone you love is what is expected. It is not putting pressure on someone. It seems he never admitted to you, and does not know how to admit, his own lack of confidence and his own feelings of disappointment in himself.

 

It sounds like he wants to be, or tried to be, something he isn't, and in all this time, was portraying himself as something on the OUTSIDE, that he was not on the INSIDE. Do you see what I mean? So when you were consoling him and trying to tell him that you think he's a great person, he does not really believe this himself on the INSIDE.

 

The ultimatums were this:

 

1. Never bring up unnecessary issues

2. To move out of my family home to be alone, not to move in with him

3. To give each other space and time

No, this is not how it should work at all. I don't even care what the ultimatums are. You work with someone, you give and you take, you don't just make commandments to someone you love. This is not acceptable at all.

 

Sure we can talk like adults about this but as an ultimatum(?). Your right Graceful, Yes, we've had undercurrents for a while and I've been wanting to talk to him about it but overall he just doesn't want to deal or talk about it at al

You are on track. You know that you can't be in a relationship with someone who is telling you that he is not willing to talk to you. That's crazy, and you know it. Couples talk about everything and anything, large and small, and one person does not make rules about "unnecessary issues" -- you know that.

 

Much of what he has done during this breakup indicates he has a lot of issues and that he is very, very controlling. If he had some violence in his past, then he has anger issues, too, along with the controlling, a very volatile and disturbing mix. He's 8 years older than you, which may not normally be a problem, but his age might be a problem, too. If he is still trying to find his way (career, marriage, finances, etc.) he might be feeling like he is falling short because he is not as far along as he thought he should be, if you know what I mean.

 

I ask myself did I push him away by talking about it? Did I lack confidence in myself? Did I accept him for who he is? My god! I have all these thoughts racing around... Prior before, I thought talking about issues together is what any couple would do to settle things and move on. Confidence as a person, well yes and no. I do accept him for who he is... but now after all these things happened, its like I really don't know anymore. Was it really me?

Let me tell you something right now: you tried to act like a supportive person, from the sound of it. I don't have more details, but all you did was encourage him and try to be there for him. I don't know if he is really lacking confidence as a person, but it sounds like it. You can't fix that, all you did was believe there was something there ... but he was hiding the truth from you, on how he feels about himself on the INSIDE. He does not like himself, and is taking that out on you now. You make him feel worse because you believed in him and he lashes out at you because he knows he is a disappointment to you, and cannot live up to the expectations that were created.

 

Does this make any sense? Please, do not beat yourself up. In a way, he did not ever show you who he was, he only showed you what you wanted to see. Then it all caught up with him, the truth came out. It is as though he was wearing a mask, and took the mask off when he broke up with you. You now see him for who he is. It's very confusing.

 

You're better off without him and knowing this now, as painful as it is. Hope this helps to clear some confusion. Stay away from him, keep NC, and use the support of your family and friends. He's not right for you. Hope you feel better soon. Promise me you will not beat yourself up over this, okay? Take care. oxox Grace

Edited February 18, 2011 by Graceful

[imyuinny]

It was really hard to write it out, let alone to type it out was hard because it made me remember some things. I admit that it is good even though it hurt but I'm glad I wrote it here.

 

I do want to thank you so much and I appreciate that you took the time to help me. If your in Malaysia, I would take you out for coffee as I'm so grateful for you helping me.

 

You can't fix that, all you did was believe there was something there ... but he was hiding the truth from you, on how he feels about himself on the INSIDE. He does not like himself, and is taking that out on you now. You make him feel worse because you believed in him and he lashes out at you because he knows he is a disappointment to you, and cannot live up to the expectations that were created.

 

What you wrote made a lot of sense. It sounds like your a professional counselor or something... mind if I ask, are you? Much of what I spoke to my friends and likewise didn't seem to fit. But what you said made a lot of sense. In a way, I understand a lot more after what you wrote. I've been reading a lot of self-help books and I understand about a person creating their own expectations without knowing it. I've always thought it was me projecting onto him but never seemed to make any sense when I reflect on it, but now seeing it from your point view... it made a lot of sense.

 

My dad was sweet to talk to me about it, with me seeking their wisdom about such things and told me that in all relationships, there must be a transparency which he saw that we didn't have as a couple and in part, he was worried. In truth, I did feel that but I couldn't put a finger on it when we were together.

 

Much of what he has done during this breakup indicates he has a lot of issues and that he is very, very controlling. If he had some violence in his past, then he has anger issues, too, along with the controlling, a very volatile and disturbing mix. He's 8 years older than you, which may not normally be a problem, but his age might be a problem, too. If he is still trying to find his way (career, marriage, finances, etc.) he might be feeling like he is falling short because he is not as far along as he thought he should be, if you know what I mean.

 

During our courtship, yes there were some scary moments. He hit me once, but then again I slapped him twice after. I'm not proud of what I did, but it made me feel at least I was not overpowered by his rage, in a twisted way. This statement itself can be controversial.

 

But now that you mentioned that perhaps he was feeling that he is falling short does fit the description well, even though he was struggling and me telling him that everything is ok - was not what he was looking for(?). I'm trying my best to wrap my head around this - but the overall message is that he has no confidence in himself(?) Your right... this is confusing!

 

I feel that if I understand this... I can get past this much better as a person. It does clear the clouds after reading your post and I felt touched. Feels like I made a new friend. I promise I will try not to beat myself over this too much.

Edited February 18, 2011 by imyuinny

[depplover_1980]

You've had it spelt out to you in a constuctive supportive manner by Graceful so I won't add anything from that perspective.

 

So I'll be short : this man is a nasty control freak, who you should be glad to be rid of at last. A life with him would have be restricted, emotionally void and potentially violent.

 

You now need to rebuild yourself and look at ways of identifying men like this, so you can avoid them in the future.

[imyuinny]

Now I'm asking myself this, was I really that blinded that I couldn't see beyond the truth? Or am I being unfair that this is just my side of the story...?

 

Was the ultimatum just a way to shoo me away because he didn't want it to work? If so... then why bother with the ultimatum? Urgh... this is just nonsense.

 

Was he trying to project his insecurities onto me, just for the sake of making himself better? Is this some sort of unconscious dominating strategy? Or am I just imagining things? Gah! I'm getting caught up in it and getting more confused.

 

Wait... am I over-analyzing it?

[Graceful]

Good morning imy (friend),

 

It looks like you're going to be questioning yourself, which is understandable. When someone makes a 180 turn, and you feel so blind-sided, you will feel the need to back track and question yourself, as well as the other person.

 

And yes, there are two sides to every story. So if your ex were to tell his side of the story, there is no telling what his side would sound like to us. But we are here to support you, you are the one who has come to this board, you are the one who is in pain.

 

Now I'm asking myself this, was I really that blinded that I couldn't see beyond the truth? Or am I being unfair that this is just my side of the story...?

 

Was the ultimatum just a way to shoo me away because he didn't want it to work? If so... then why bother with the ultimatum? Urgh... this is just nonsense.

Generally when an ultimatum is given, it's very hard to say if the person who made the ultimatum did it to control the situation (which, in your case, it looks like your ex wanted control in a very unhealthy way) or if they want to make things so unbearable you break it off.

 

Either way, does it make a difference? I mean, in a good communication pattern, you don't make ultimatums at all. You say what is bothering you. You ask the other person if you can work things out. If it bothered your ex that you lived at home, he needed to tell you why. Then you should have been able to say why you feel living at home is best for you right now, so you save money, or because your parents want you there, etc. He does not have the right to make it an ultimatum that you move. He does not have the right to tell you what you can and cannot discuss! That's like telling you that he does not care what you have to say, he does not want to support you when you are in need of support.

 

And even if he did make the ultimatums impossible for you to agree with, what does that say about him? It says he is a coward and cannot speak for himself and cannot be honest with you.

 

Was he trying to project his insecurities onto me, just for the sake of making himself better? Is this some sort of unconscious dominating strategy? Or am I just imagining things? Gah! I'm getting caught up in it and getting more confused.

Generally, when a person projects their insecurities, it is a way to place blame outside of themselves and not take responsibility for how they feel and why. It is a way, yes, of feeling superior, to potentially dominate and control, because the only way they can feel better is to put another person down. This is not a conscious "strategy" though, it is a product of deep issues that started prior to even knowing you. People who do this feel very bad on the inside (remember, they don't show how they feel on the INSIDE), so the only thing they can do is place blame on someone or something else for how badly they feel. Even someone they say they love.

 

This is why you are left with such a confused feeling. You tried to be supportive, you tried to encourage, you felt you were being loving. Now you are told you are not loved for it, you are blamed for him falling out of love with you, you are blamed for things you never did. This is a result of the distorted way he thinks because he won't get help and figure out the real reasons why he feels so badly about himself.

 

Wait... am I over-analyzing it?

Well, I think at the early stage of a breakup, it is normal to do this sort of thing. After a while, you will realize it does not matter. His problems are not your problems any more. But you will pay more attention in the future if you ever meet someone like him again, someone who tries to put you down and tell you he does not want to hear what you have to say. That's not healthy.

 

We all do some type of projecting. You thought you saw something in your ex that wasn't really there because he was representing himself a certain way on the outside, he never showed you or told you how he felt on the inside. If he had said, "I feel bad about myself. I feel like a bit of a failure and don't want to disappoint you" - he would have had to admit that out loud. He also would have had to get some help to see why those feelings were there. Otherwise, all he can do is look outside himself and look at other people to blame. It's sad, really. But that's all he knows how to do.

 

I do want to thank you so much and I appreciate that you took the time to help me. If your in Malaysia, I would take you out for coffee as I'm so grateful for you helping me.

I wish I were close by, too. That would be a lovely way to spend time. And I am sure it is warmer where you are than where I am!

 

Also, when you said you are from Malaysia, I have to put into account the cultural differences for men there. Men don't want to show any sign of weakness? Is that common? Men struggle with showing weakness in all cultures, but in some, more than others. I think it's ok for you to be asking questions right now, and it's normal. Continue to get support from your family and friends, they will help. Your father sounds like a very nice man. We are here for you, so come back for help any time. Take care. Grace

[imyuinny]

I appreciate the feedback as it does settle a lot of my thoughts and I'm trying not to beat myself up with the negativity. I was and is still very confused about my own insecurities and his own. Much of what he said did instill fear and insecurity in me. I should not have let the relationship define me that way, I see that now. Before I didn't. I have to admit, that I did my fair share of mistakes too... I do see that I may have done the same thing to him but not frequent. In that sense, I was no better. During the relationship, it happened too many times the lashing from him till I lashed out and then as time went by it worsen.

 

He has expressed before once or twice that he feels like a failure. Unfortunately, this was where I guess I lacked the understanding. As much as I tried to tell him it's alright and yada yada as before mentioned, reassuring him when the time was needed - the backlash from him was that i never understand him. I guess I really didn't. I thought I did... man was I wrong.

 

I have told him before to seek help, a counselor, therapy, anger management classes or something. But he refused... I don't know why, I opt for couple counseling and he flat out said 'No'.

 

Also, when you said you are from Malaysia, I have to put into account the cultural differences for men there. Men don't want to show any sign of weakness? Is that common? Men struggle with showing weakness in all cultures, but in some, more than others.

 

From my experiences and my sister's... our experience so far with Malaysian/Asian men here, generally have insecurities. Now that I think more about it. More often than not, the ladies are the more independent roles. It feels like there is a switch a-round which is really strange. My friends too have experienced similar scenarios. But what we realized is that most Asian men have the tendency to feel that they need to do better than others, some sort of race. Even though they flat out deny it, the actions and evidence is there. But i guess that is normal? Just to prove that they are succeeding in whatever way, this seems to be the trend. Showing that they could 'suck' in something doesn't seem to be practiced. Even showing signs of affection like encouragement when one does something good... is rare. It's strange really when I think about it.

 

Anyhow, after reading your posts it made me feel a whole lot better to know that it wasn't ALL me. At least now, even when I'm thinking about him... I'm not angry, confused or lost... just acceptance. For that I am grateful.

 

Thank you everyone...