em-b's bloke Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Ok here goes. Getting married this summer. Not been together very long but we are very much in love and want to be together. I live with her and her kids in her house. We are signing a pre-nup, I have nothing, she has equity, I don't want her money and never will but obviously she needs to protect her assets for the sake of her kids. All fair enough to me. Thing is I recently discovered that she has a bank a/c with some money in, like a saver account. Again, I don't want her money but am disappointed that she feels the need to conceal it from me? I share everything I earn with her and want nothing from her at all apart from trust. Also I wanted to go to her sons parents evening in school last week but she's frightened that her son will get too close to me as a result and what if the day ever comes that we aren't together anymore? Just like the last husband did, walked out and dropped her son like a hot cake. You think she has trust issues? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarbritches Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I think she not only is protecting herself, but her child. I do not understand her letting you live there but not go to his school event. I respect single mothers that protect there children, how ever if you two are getting married and you live together she needs to lighten up. If she didn't tell you about her savings account, how do you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 She's just doing the mom thing and protecting her kids. Seems fine to me. She will probably trust you with time... couselling, and BOTH. Pre-nup is a good idea, should also get marriage counselling. She needs IC for her trust issues. Its a wonderful idea to protect her kids, but she can't be a helicopter mom forever. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Based on your previous posts, it seems to me that this represents more of a control issue than a trust issue. Have you two had a thorough discussion about finances, whether they'll be joint, and how bills are going to be paid? Have you worked out parenting issues and whether and to what extent she's comfortable with you raising/disciplining her kids? She's already demonstrated that, when it comes to sex, it's her way or the highway. You need to find out it that attitude extends to other areas of her life as well. If you go through with this, you need to understand what you may be in for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author em-b's bloke Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 If she didn't tell you about her savings account, how do you know? She was looking at her online banking one day while I was talking to her and further down the page I noticed it but said nothing. As I said previously, I want nothing at all from her but to simply be with her. I left my last marriage with nothing, half of everything in the house was mine but all I went with was personal belongings, no furniture or electricals, nothing. She still lives in the house and pays the mortgage, for all I know there could be equity in it but I'm not interested. I am only interested in money to get by and be reasonably comfortable. I totally understand the need for the pre-nup and initially it was my idea, the only thing about it is the fact that really you are signing your divorce settlement before you're married which is a bit of a downer! Anyway, I'm not bothered, bugger it. I love her and at the end of the day she will see that I'm the real deal and in it for life! Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Anyway, I'm not bothered, bugger it. I love her and at the end of the day she will see that I'm the real deal and in it for life! It seems to me that more direct conversations about how to handle your finances might be in order -- as well as owning up to knowing that she has this other savings account. What I mean is, her hiding the account from you, and you hiding the fact that you know, sets up a weird dynamic of hiding information from each other. Is that how you want to start off your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Ok here goes. Getting married this summer. Not been together very long but we are very much in love and want to be together. I live with her and her kids in her house. We are signing a pre-nup, I have nothing, she has equity, I don't want her money and never will but obviously she needs to protect her assets for the sake of her kids. All fair enough to me. Thing is I recently discovered that she has a bank a/c with some money in, like a saver account. Again, I don't want her money but am disappointed that she feels the need to conceal it from me? I share everything I earn with her and want nothing from her at all apart from trust. Also I wanted to go to her sons parents evening in school last week but she's frightened that her son will get too close to me as a result and what if the day ever comes that we aren't together anymore? Just like the last husband did, walked out and dropped her son like a hot cake. You think she has trust issues? How long have you been dating? Have you guys not discussed the role you will play as step father - what kind of discipline you will have/use? Parenting styles? Boundaries? Sounds like maybe you guys are rushing things. Slow down - talk. Maybe get some pre-marital counseling. If you two do not 'hammer' out the type of step father you will be NOW, prior to marriage, it can sour the marriage very quickly. I understand her being afraid for her son, but by marrying you, that is implying she wants you to be father figure/role model for her child (you haven't mentioned if the child sees the bio father or not). As for the bank account, it sounds like there are trust and communication issues. How can you two get married without knowing that BOTH of you are open and committed to being open and communicating with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author em-b's bloke Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Thank you very much for your replies everyone. I came clean about my knowledge of the account, it turns out she has three such accounts all with money in that belongs to each of her kids which was left them by her father. She assured me the money wasn't hers, saying that if she had such money it would've been spent on a winter holiday and the January sales! She was insistent on showing me them but I assured her it wasn't necessary as her explanation was enough. She says there's no way that she'd do anything like that to me, as in keep money behind my back, she says that there are no secrets as far as she is concerned and that in marriage she wants it to stay that way. Lesson I've learned? Communication is key. I should have approached her in the first place about it but didn't really (and still don't) feel it's any of my business anyway. She says I can ask her anything and she will always tell me the truth and so far she has as far as I know, sometimes being a bit too honest lol! I sometimes feel that I don't really deserve her and need to grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I sometimes feel that I don't really deserve her and need to grow up. I hope she doesn't read this... That right thar is a red flag...If I hear someone say this from now I will run like my ass is on fiar! Link to post Share on other sites
Author em-b's bloke Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) I hope she doesn't read this... That right thar is a red flag...If I hear someone say this from now I will run like my ass is on fiar! Just being honest! Think it would be more of a red flag if I thought I did deserve her, just saying that I love her and anyway don't all men need to grow up? Btw *Fire*. Awful spelling. Edited February 17, 2011 by em-b's bloke Link to post Share on other sites
BlueRidgeMTs Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Just being honest! Think it would be more of a red flag if I thought I did deserve her, just saying that I love her and anyway don't all men need to grow up? Btw *Fire*. Awful spelling. Yeah..i dont get why you saying that would make anyone "run like their ass is on fiar, OR fire":laugh: I actually respect your refreshing honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
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