Simeerah Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 Where do I start? First, let me just state that i am so glad to have found this site. I really do not have anyone to talk to besides my boyfriend, but I found out he cheated with an old flame from high school a few years ago. It really hurt me a lot because I committed myself to him only and to find this out just really hurt me. I forgave him because I felt like he was the one and I know he was going through a lot. After this I just was so insecure, and not trusting him. I had some reasons to be too, found out he was keeping in touch with her, e-mails, phone calls, etc. I spoke with the girl, who I have really became obsessed with. I have researched her and everything! Its been hard to let the past go, and now we are in the same area as her and I can't stand it. I might even act like him sometimes just to see what her response will be. I really believe this relatinship was meant to be, but how can I get rid of the insecurities, the past, I saw one thread about a girl being obsessed and jealous. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but I can not let go of the past! I just do not have closure, are there any suggestions on what to do. I love him, we plan to marry soon, and we have a new 5 month old son! I am just wondering why I cant let go of this old situation. Link to post Share on other sites
LikkleMissConfused Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 Hey, personally i don't think its you not letting go of the past! Is he still in touch with her? STill talking to her? If so then he is not helping you whether they are friends or not whats more important to him. He there is no contact between them anymore then you have to start concentrating on yourself and forget the relationship for a while. These insecurities are telling you something from inside your heart. Maybe you don't trust him but are fighting yourself and your inner thoughts. Just something to think about! Link to post Share on other sites
Dug Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 I had a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend. The thing that bothered me was that she said she wanted to leave her past behind and start a new life with me. I agreed and forgave her old inappropriate behaviors. The problem started when she continually brought her past up and compared me to old lovers. That nonsense wouldn't allow me to forget, much less continue to forgive. You can't fight a ghost, so be sure this thing is really over and your guy has no regrets about being with you instead of someone else. If her respects you, he'll leave the past alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 It's very disrespectful for your boyfriend to have an affair with someone and then continue to stay in contact with them. That's not fair to you. It's time to take the initiative and tell your boyfriend just how uncomfortable his contact with her makes you feel. If he has any respect for you, he'll agree to cease all contact with her. If he refuses, then an alarm should go off in your head. Take a closer look at the situation. You shouldn't have to be constantly reminded of his affair that hurt you so much. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simeerah Posted March 27, 2004 Author Share Posted March 27, 2004 thanks for your comments! they help me see the bigger picture Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Oh he was going through alot, so yeah, I see how it was ok for him to cheat. Dump this friggin loser and get someone who WONT cheat, no matter what. and YES, they are out there. I dont understand why people stay with those who cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Someone had asked you if your guy is *STILL* in communication with this old flame he had the fling with. Is he?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simeerah Posted March 27, 2004 Author Share Posted March 27, 2004 No I Dont have any proof right now! Link to post Share on other sites
girlfriday24 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 simeerah: You obviously have a lot of issues here to deal with. Insecurity, an inability to let go of the past, not trusting your boyfriend, an admittance to being "obsessed" with this old flame of his -- to the point of having spoken with her and researching her (wow!). You're considering "acting like him" just to see what her response will be. And on top of all of this, you have a child with him and you are planning to marry soon. With all of these issues at hand, marriage doesn't sound like a very wise idea. People should go into marriage having the utmost of trust for one another, not being obsessed other women and doing "research" on them for heaven's sake. If you don't fully trust him, you shouldn't be marrying him. Marriage needs to be based on a foundation of trust and honesty and being mutually secure with one another. I think you should reconsider marriage and maybe consider going for counseling, for yourself and as a couple. You have a child to think about and that child needs to be in a stable home; one without mistrust and tension and a lack of forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simeerah Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 I know I have issues to deal with and I am working on them, I will not marry until I know it is right. I am thinking of my child also, I know he needs stability, and both parents. I am dealing with my issues, this was a site I found while dealing with them, but thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
meagara Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 I am in the same situation, but without a child. My man cheated on me about two years ago, to boot the girl was in the marines and wrote to him while she was there, I found a letter and was extremely upset. I told him if he ever spoke to her again I would leave him( that was the only thing I ask him to do). Since that time he has changed his life around cause he says he doesn't want to lose me. The hatred still burns my heart, this girl came back home. I live on a small native reserve and everyone knows everyone. Just this past friday I went out with one of my friends and this girl shows up at the bar and has the f#$*ing nerve to sit at my table. It's hard but I am learning to deal with it, I talk to my boyfriend about how I feel and sometimes it makes me feel better. I don't know if there is ever anyway for you to easily over come this type of hurt. We can forgive but never forget. My suggestion is to look at where you are in your life with this guy, if he continues to speak to this girl, then he has no respect for how you feel. Regardless, he should know; it is common sense that he does not speak with this girl. Respect yourself and teach your son that respect also, it is the best thing. If your man walks all over you, that is not something you want your son seeing, and something you should not have to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simeerah Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 Thanks for the encouraging words! That is exactly how I wanted to state it. I forgave, but havent forgotten it. noone can understand unless they have been there. I know he loves me because he shows it and says it. I just have to get over what happen, which hasnt been easy! It is settling one day at a time. I pray for strength and an open-mind because there is a little precious child to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
meagara Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Your welcome for the advice, and just like you I am taking it one day at a time, I still find it hard to trust him, and like any relationship, that now is a big issue. Remember that he loves you and is making an effort to show you he wants to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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