Gator's Guide to NC and Second Chances

[gator12]

Like the title says this is my guide to NC. I don’t preach to know everything but this is honestly the best setup you can have to either move on or get an ex back, and the beauty of it is you can do both simultaneously

 

Purpose:

 

The purpose of NC is first and foremost to move on. It gives you a way of getting yourself as far away from your ex as possible and at the same time it gives you an easy means to healing. It is by far the fastest way to heal and move on from your ex. Now for those of you who want your ex back, while this should never be the reason to go into NC it does cause them to realize what life is like without you. This also them to miss you and in some cases this causes them to come back to try again

 

How It Works

 

 

Okay the basic system of NC is simple, no contact, no matter what the reason. You don’t tell them you are doing this. You don’t respond back to them if they talk to you. No communication with your ex whatsoever. It will be hard, and it will get worse before it gets better but I promise it is the fastest way to healing. How do you stop yourself from contacting them?

• Go to the gym
  
• Hang out with friends
  
• Pick up a hobby
  
• Keep a journal any time you feel weak like you want to talk to them
  
• Eventually get back out there and date.
  
• Just live life, realize it is not the end of the world, realize you can live without them.
  

At first it will hurt like nothing before, but I promise with a few weeks you will start to truly realize life can go on without them. You will get a new confidence about you and realize how much you have to offer to the world. You really are a special person, your relationship with them does not define you. NC allows you to really distance yourself from an ex, it prevents them from hurting you. And if your goal is to move on any contact is just going to put you back to day one of the breakup, so don’t. Move on, and maybe after you really have you and them can be “friends” like your ex probably so dearly wants.

 

For Those Who Want A Second Chance

 

Let me start by saying one thing first, NC is not a game. It is not manipulating them to get back together with you and shouldn’t be started for that goal. But heck if you do it’s okay, but you need to change it. Obsessing over getting them back will only delay your own personal healing and it will ruin the whole purpose of the system. It’s okay to want them back and have hope, but don’t cling to it. That being said...

 

Why it makes them miss you?

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Ever heard it before? Chances are you have. And in most cases it is true but I have a better statement that is perhaps more accurate, “Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.” If love was real your ex will be back, but if it wasn’t meant to be nothing will make them come back. The fact is right now you are emotional, you are a wreck. Every decision you make right now is guided by your emotions and the first thing they say is fight as hard as you can for the relationship. Well they couldn’t be more right. Fight, by going into NC

 

What’s the harm in staying in contact?

 

Where do I start? You are emotional right now, begging and pleading to your ex will only push them further and further away. Professing your undying love, unnecessary, your ex knows you love them you don’t need to tell them. Begging your ex pushes them away and cements their decision as the right one. You also lose your dignity and simultaneously their respect for you. NOTHING is worth your dignity. You cannot be in contact with your ex unless you are using only your head not your heart, any time emotions are involved a fight will ensue. Another fact to bring to mind, is how is an ex going to miss you if you are still there for them? The answer: they can’t

 

Staying Friends hoping they will change...

 

This is wrong in so many ways. At best in this situation you are setting yourself up to be backburnered, a safety net. At worst you will end up in the friend zone, and there is no getting out of it once you get there, at least not for quite a few years lol. Your ex will be free to date other people knowing you will always be there as a backup. Not only that but you will be prevented from healing while you in effect help them to heal. They cannot have their cake and eat it too, so you need to stop letting them

 

Why Go Into NC?

 

 

There are so many reasons from the perspective of a second chance.

• One, you need space from the breakup. Both of you need time apart for a few reasons. One, for some reason you failed who knows what it is at this point. You need a few weeks to months to figure out what those are and to really work on them. If you get back together within one week you will not work out, the same problems will come up again and you will break up, again. Nobody wants that. Taking a step back also lets you see the relationship for what it was, imperfect. Only then can you really make a decision, logically of whether a second chance is really even worth it. NC, allows both of you to really grow and really change because fact is a second chance NEEDS to be a new relationship, not back to what it was before. Time is the only way for this to really happen.
  
• Two, you need to maintain your dignity. Staying in NC only causes them to view you as a safety net. You don’t want to be second best, you want to be the one they choose to come back too. They also cannot miss you if you are still there. They don’t know what life is like without you unless you really give them that by becoming a ghost to them. Dissapearing is the best gift you can give them and it allows you to maintain your dignity.
  
• You also need to get rid of emotions which only serve to ruin any chances of you getting back together. You need to get to the position where you are finally thinking with your head.
  

What to do if they contact you?

 

 

Congratulations you have just received the power back in the relationship, you are effectively now the dumper and they the dumpee. But don’t let it go to your head. Ahhh the infamous breadcrumbs…Defintion: Breadcrumb – any form of communication designed to get a response from you; it is used to see if you are still waiting for them to come back. Some examples…

• Texts – “Hey”, “How are you”, “What’s up” “Why are you ignoring me”
  
• Emails – long emotional emails that say they miss you but not once mention you and them getting back together.
  
• Phone calls/Voicemails – All good signs, but no mention of getting back together
  

Here’s the deal, you don’t break NC on any of these. NO MATTER HOW MANY YOU GET. Your ex is trying to see if you will still bite if they throw you a line. This means nothing in getting them back, in fact it will only set you back. They will talk to you for a day or two and then poof they’re gone again. You not breaking contact with them lets them know that losing you as a partner means losing you forever. Let them realize this. In all honesty the only thing you should respond to is them asking to get back together with you. If they love you this will come, I promise, if it’s not meant to be then it wont. But the beauty of NC is, you’ll still be closer to moving on than if you tried “fighting for it”.If they should contact you, you need to wait two days before you respond, don’t let them see you jump on it instantly. Let them work for it a bit, they need to after throwing you away like trash.

 

Second Chances

 

A word about second chances. A main goal of NC is to fix the problems that caused the first breakup, with time you will be able to notice them even if you don’t think there are any right now. Trust me there were, otherwise you wouldn’t be single. Most second chances fail because the same problems come back up again. If they aren’t fixed this second chance will not work. It will take a lot of communication to work through your issues. Take it slow, enjoy it for a little while but then start working on it. Don’t let it be the same relationship as last time, it isn’t. Enjoy it, but don’t let it get to the breaking point again. And if they didn’t come back, well you’ll be healed, honestly a lot of you won’t even take them back. You laugh now but it is the truth lol.

 

Stay strong, follow my guide, in the end everything will work out how it's meant too.

 

Always looking up,

-Gator

Edited February 16, 2011 by gator12

[radrluv72]

I liked this a lot...good, sound advice. Especially with emphasis on the term "breadcrumbs". When you're the dumpee and you're hurting, it's way too easy to read into any "crumb" that you're thrown and buy into false hope.

 

I'm 6 1/2 weeks into NC with my ex. As much as I still love him and want him back, I'm not about to break my resolve because one, I know I'm not the one who screwed up a good thing, and two, I have my dignity and my power. It's been my experience that the exes that you did have a true, deep connection with get in contact with you sooner or later, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it was because of love. My exes that float back to the surface get back in contact with me because of feelings of guilt & regret. I've turned them away because there was no wish to work things out & reconcile on their part, and also because after the fact, those breakups turned out to be blessings in disguise. Time and silence really do manage to put things in a different perspective.

 

Excellente'.

[dextm]

Should I begin removing her from IM (she's already blocked), deleting her contact info, throwing away everything that she bought me, burning all our pictures, etc.?

[gator12]

Yea it's been a while since anyone has posted a guide to it, and I got tired of rehasing the old stuff again and again. Now it's going to be SEE MY SIG. lol jk I just hope it helps people. Breadcrumbs are the real area alot of people screw up, because like you said they read way too far into what is usually nothing. I'm hoping after reading this they wont do that.

 

And if it helps then by all means. Anything you can do to get your mind off of her and get to that better place at the end of the tunnel.

 

-Gator

[Am4Real]

Yea it's been a while since anyone has posted a guide to it, and I got tired of rehasing the old stuff again and again. Now it's going to be SEE MY SIG. lol jk I just hope it helps people. Breadcrumbs are the real area alot of people screw up, because like you said they read way too far into what is usually nothing. I'm hoping after reading this they wont do that.

 

And if it helps then by all means. Anything you can do to get your mind off of her and get to that better place at the end of the tunnel.

 

-Gator

 

 

You're new here and I'll be gentle.

 

The old standard on thius forum for the better part of four years has been an almost identical "guide" produced in two parts (one for NO CONTACT and another for SECOND CHANCES) by CaliGuy, an exremely seasoned and well posted advisor.

 

You have attempted to emulate his posting although reformatted and follow his traditional link to "his guide" in his signature.

 

What you have done is not wrong, however it would be more courteous to perhaps mention the original and refer forum members accordingly.

 

Reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[joshislost]

Wow amazing! Great write up gator!

[sweetblubrry]

What about if your ex is NOT contacting you? He broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago and has not said anything (although he would go days w/o talking to me when we were together b/c he is not a phone person). I know that he still cares but for some reason is staying away. Will he contact eventually? I did ask him how he was a few days ago when I saw him at work but no major conversation or anything. He was friendly but he is still staying away.

[gator12]

You're new here and I'll be gentle.

 

The old standard on thius forum for the better part of four years has been an almost identical "guide" produced in two parts (one for NO CONTACT and another for SECOND CHANCES) by CaliGuy, an exremely seasoned and well posted advisor.

 

You have attempted to emulate his posting although reformatted and follow his traditional link to "his guide" in his signature.

 

What you have done is not wrong, however it would be more courteous to perhaps mention the original and refer forum members accordingly.

 

Reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

For one thing I am not new here, I am a new member yes but I have been using this site for about 5 years now. And yes I am aware of CaliGuy's guide and yes my guide is going to be similar. It is because NC is not going to change over time. I reference caliguy all of the time. But his guide to me did not address the issue of breadcrumbs in specific enough detail to me. And his was more of a Q and A, I just wanted to make a more in depth verison of Cali's in a sense. Lol please don't mistake me for a simple copycat, I tried to improve it with my own personal views on the subject and my own experience. Plus many people do not dig far enough into the forums to find his guides so I made my own.

 

Regardless, yes it's similar, yes he was definitly an inspiration, but please recognize i did put a lot of thought into this and disagree with Cali on a few key points in my eyes.

 

-Gator

[gator12]

What about if your ex is NOT contacting you? He broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago and has not said anything (although he would go days w/o talking to me when we were together b/c he is not a phone person). I know that he still cares but for some reason is staying away. Will he contact eventually? I did ask him how he was a few days ago when I saw him at work but no major conversation or anything. He was friendly but he is still staying away.

 

Don't break NC, there really is no time limit. My ex took a month and a had before she began contact. But I got tricked into biting (she called from an unkown number) after I had been ignoring her for like some 5 days. Anyways, ended in a fight but less than a week afterwards she's reaching out again. Surprised me for sure, but now I am back to following my own advice and she is still reaching out to me for 2 weeks now. NC does work, but there is no time limit. They either reach out or you move on, one of the two will happen that is why it is so perfect.

 

-Gator

[RomoGuy]

Good stuff Gator!

[david_v]

“Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.”

 

I like this quote. However then there's those short term things, like 2 months dating or something. Probably there were no real love or just 'small love'. In my experience these have just as big (small?) chance to come back as an ex who loves you. Why? Because of the potential for love. They realize they made a premature decision or realize they did had stronger feelings than they thought. Ofcourse with the implementation of NC from your side or they won't realize ****.

 

Well that's just my experiences but maybe i'm just special

[Tofu]

Amazing as usual Gator, i kinda screwed up on the bread crumbs bit like you said... she texted me 2 messages last night checking up on how i was and it resulted in us agreeing to talk on the phone later today, which i wanted to use to tell her i want NC between us if she is not ready for a relationship with me now. After the call i expect no more contact between us and then just let the harsh reality settle in for the both of us. this is the message that got to me the most:

 

'being long distance friends is easier then being in a long distant relationship, thats what i was hoping anyway. i dont want to hurt you anymore tho, so if you dont want me to talk to you...? if this is easier for you then, i can try to handle that'

 

we stopped there and agreed to get some sleep and talk more about it tommorow.

[z00m25]

good guide, enjoyed reading it tho i doubt ill ever get a response from my ex lol, i found out yesterday im not the one she misses but it is in fact this ugly ass guy she used to work with that i always thought her to maybe be cheating on me for when i found a facebook convo she left up one day, then i saw who it was and thought to myself no way hahaha. but i guess i was wrong and it really was going on all along. the only thing i want to hear out of her mouth is an apology for all the lies, cheating, and using me anyway. ill never give her another chance. but its been over a month and still nothing im not getting my hopes up.

[brokendreamz]

God, I wish I'd found this site before now!

 

So, she ended an 8 year relationship (last 2 as my fiance) because I was a selfish twat! Never cheated on each other but I took her for granted, now she tells me she doesn't feel the same.

 

We split up 6 weeks ago and basically I did the POLAR OPPOSITE of what you suggest! (AAAAHHHRRRRRRRRGH!!!) and not surprisingly she keps saying she doesn't want me back.

 

So... my question is this:

 

Last night I popped a letter through her door basically saying that after 6 weeks of madness, I'm finally giving up. So - if I don't contact her again and play by the NC rule as above, will it still work or have I totally undermined the whole process because of my inability to let her go?

 

This site should be advertised on tv or something so more people get to know about it!!

[gator12]

God, I wish I'd found this site before now!

 

So, she ended an 8 year relationship (last 2 as my fiance) because I was a selfish twat! Never cheated on each other but I took her for granted, now she tells me she doesn't feel the same.

 

We split up 6 weeks ago and basically I did the POLAR OPPOSITE of what you suggest! (AAAAHHHRRRRRRRRGH!!!) and not surprisingly she keps saying she doesn't want me back.

 

So... my question is this:

 

Last night I popped a letter through her door basically saying that after 6 weeks of madness, I'm finally giving up. So - if I don't contact her again and play by the NC rule as above, will it still work or have I totally undermined the whole process because of my inability to let her go?

 

This site should be advertised on tv or something so more people get to know about it!!

 

There is no real right answer to your question. NC by nature is the most optimal if done literally the second after the breakup. I mean yes sometimes it's okay to fight after the breakup to show you still care. But once they say no you call it quits and drop off of the radar. You screwed up for 6 weeks and that definitly hurt your chances. But here is how I look at it. Go into NC, one if you screwed up your chances beyond repair then it will help you move on. Two, if you still have a shot it will prvent you from ruining things anymore so than you already have. It isn't a guarentee to get her back, it's a gurantee to a happy future, with or without her.

 

-Gator

[dextm]

Should I begin removing her from IM (she's already blocked), deleting her contact info, throwing away everything that she bought me, burning all our pictures, etc.?

 

 

??????????????????????

[gator12]

I think I already answered this. Lol fact is it's up to you. If it'll help then by all means go for it, anything that helps to stay in NC. If you have no interest in reconciliation feel free to block her phone number too, if you do you may want to leave it unblocked but deleted, just be sure to follow my advice regarding crumbs. Crumbs and lack of change ruin any chance of a successful reconciliation.

 

-Gator

[marqueemoon4]

I've decided TODAY that I never, ever want my wife back no matter what happens. I'm continuing NC for MY SANITY and for me to heal. F her.

[JasonRules]

Good advice from Gator. Also, make sure you stop crying, begging etc once the break up is done. The more you chase afterward the less chances you have of getting back together (if that's what you want).

 

Just tell them how you feel and what you're looking for in life and then disappear completely. If they what they felt was true, then they will come back. If they never felt anything, they never will, but NC will have made us get over them anyway so no problem by then.

[JasonRules]

Also, try into filling up your day with various activities. Do not stay home alone because all this will do is force you to think about your ex, leading to more depression etc.

 

Start building your life back again and make yourselves happier. Don't sit at home and cry. Always keep moving. The only time you should be laying in bed is just before you're ready to go to sleep.

 

At some point you'll be ready to start dating again and eventually you'll meet someone new whom you'll be excited about and you won't even care/think about your ex. They'll just be a distant memory.

 

One of my exes wanted to get back together 3 years after she had broken off our relationship, but by then I had absolutely no feelings for her. She regrets it to this day, but there's nothing I can do for her.

 

Mistakes are always paid for in full...

[gator12]

Good advice from Gator. Also, make sure you stop crying, begging etc once the break up is done. The more you chase afterward the less chances you have of getting back together (if that's what you want).

 

Just tell them how you feel and what you're looking for in life and then disappear completely. If they what they felt was true, then they will come back. If they never felt anything, they never will, but NC will have made us get over them anyway so no problem by then.

 

Also, try into filling up your day with various activities. Do not stay home alone because all this will do is force you to think about your ex, leading to more depression etc.

 

Start building your life back again and make yourselves happier. Don't sit at home and cry. Always keep moving. The only time you should be laying in bed is just before you're ready to go to sleep.

 

At some point you'll be ready to start dating again and eventually you'll meet someone new whom you'll be excited about and you won't even care/think about your ex. They'll just be a distant memory.

 

One of my exes wanted to get back together 3 years after she had broken off our relationship, but by then I had absolutely no feelings for her. She regrets it to this day, but there's nothing I can do for her.

 

Mistakes are always paid for in full...

 

Great advice Jason, yea I wasn't specific enough about that kind of stuff, I mentioned it a bit but I figure people would know being at home is the worst possible thing to do when hurting. And yea my ex is on the verge of coming back, but it's going to take more than that. I need to see that she is willing to work for her mistake, otherwise there is just no point in a second go. I just tried putting this up here so people would be able to avoid all of the common mistakes that push away an ex.

 

-Gator

[JasonRules]

This story will put things in perspective for many in here.

 

One time I was walking on the street and I saw a dog. This dog appeared to be homeless. It was unkept, dirty, hungry, looked sad, sick, depressed, and full of problems. I looked at it again and while I did feel empathy for the poor animal, I had no desire to approach it, pet it, or feed it.

 

A few blocks later as I continued my walk I saw another dog. This dog appeared to have been lost by its owner. It looked well fed, groomed, clean, happy, healthy, and full of life and energy.

 

Now this dog made me smile and I went over and pet and played with it a bit.

 

Now the analogy is thus; if you're like the first dog in the story, unkept, depressed, not happy, sappy, no energy people (your ex included) will definitely feel sorry for you, but no one will want to be with you.

 

If you are like the second dog you will naturally draw people towards you. You need to first learn to be happy FOR YOU FIRST and then for someone else.

[worldgonewrong]

I've decided TODAY that I never, ever want my wife back no matter what happens. I'm continuing NC for MY SANITY and for me to heal. F her.

 

funny, I reached this same point today too with my wife.

 

It had to do with how she was treating me disrespectfully in our LC

(we have to have LC since kids are involved), little jibes to get me to react.

[marqueemoon4]

funny, I reached this same point today too with my wife.

 

It had to do with how she was treating me disrespectfully in our LC

(we have to have LC since kids are involved), little jibes to get me to react.

 

well yea, I have to do LC as well.. we have a 4yr old son. i love him more than anything, but from this day forward my stbx is dead to me. she'll get the money she wants so badly, but past that I'm done going out of my way to help her. no one has ever treated me in such a disrespectful way and I'm not taking it anymore. seriously, i curse the day I met this person.

[MidnightinMadrid]

You're new here and I'll be gentle.

 

The old standard on thius forum for the better part of four years has been an almost identical "guide" produced in two parts (one for NO CONTACT and another for SECOND CHANCES) by CaliGuy, an exremely seasoned and well posted advisor.

 

You have attempted to emulate his posting although reformatted and follow his traditional link to "his guide" in his signature.

 

What you have done is not wrong, however it would be more courteous to perhaps mention the original and refer forum members accordingly.

 

Reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

 

 

 

Am4real,

I'll have to disagree. I read and have been a fan of Caliguy's NC rule way before I joined LS,and I must say it is refreshing to get a new imput on NC. I hope someone else puts more posting on NC. Why because We all NEED to read and hear it. Obviously No contact has been a problem for many folks here,i'm no exception, to tackle,and one can't read enough about NC. In fact Every poster,the ones that has succesfully moved on should always write and give advice on that subject.

Caliguy's has written a well known thread howeveryou can read that one so much. True following it is just as important,however,NC is an important subject that everyone,should always share and post advice,and Gator did just that.

 

Gator,

You among other people said not to respond to the ex if they're only throwing you a line or they'll dissappear again, That is true,because the last time i responded to his contact,we ended up arguing bc this was a far cry to I miss you,i want you back. in fact all he did was let me know how much his cow gf meant to him,basically she's important youre not,we can only be friends,deal.

Question is,Do you believe had I not responded to him,we would still be talking?

he cut me off after the silly argument)

Also, most dumpees would love to hear from their exes,one way or another,wouldn't ignoring their contact risking not ever hearing from them again?

he ignored mine and I kept tryng to reach out. Thats me,but i doubt he would do the same. It would serve me right to do to him what he did to me. Its just not willing to risk that bc it would be decent to hear from him.

Edited February 17, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid