What stops a man from cheating

[lenny]

I had casually dated my mechanic prior to hooking up with my current boyfriend. We never got as far as actually sleeping together but we had gotten into heavy petting as well as oral sex.

 

I went today to get my car looked at and although he knows I am in a committed relationship, he propositioned me. He totally understands I am in this committed relationship so only propositioned me with "having a bit of adventure" (maybe a bit of petting).

 

I told him no but a couple things ran through my mine. My thought process went along this route:

Evil voice: the bf would never know

Good voice: don't matter, he's too important to me to go there

Evil voice: whatever would happen wouldn't be emotional so it wouldn't really matter

Good voice: it would thought - I wouldn't want him to do it to me so I wouldn't do it to him

inner quandary done

 

I was a little disappointed with myself for even having this inner conversation so I reflected on it. I examined the idea that if me and my guy were in the middle of a heated fight would the decision have gone different and I believe I would have held on to the high road here. Then I started thinking about what he would do in a similar situation.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful here but guys are hard-wired for the procreation urge. As I am not a man, I can't honestly speculate as to how he would think and act. I am not meaning to imply men are cheaters as I do know there are many men who are faithful to a fault.

 

What I am ultimately wondering though is what does a man's inner discussions look like? Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

[Woman In Blue]

Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

Death, usually.

[PegNosePete]

Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

Exactly the same as what stopped you. Just as many women cheat, as men. In fact I personally know of 5 couples that have experienced infidelity (including myself) and in all 5 it was the woman who cheated.

 

The inner conversation doesn't matter IMO. As long as you always make the right choice, that is what is important.

 

Oh and time to find a new mechanic, if you haven't already.

[LittleTiger]

What I am ultimately wondering though is what does a man's inner discussions look like? Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

 

Love and respect for his partner + love and respect for himself.

[You'reasian]

I had casually dated my mechanic prior to hooking up with my current boyfriend. We never got as far as actually sleeping together but we had gotten into heavy petting as well as oral sex.

 

I went today to get my car looked at and although he knows I am in a committed relationship, he propositioned me. He totally understands I am in this committed relationship so only propositioned me with "having a bit of adventure" (maybe a bit of petting).

 

I told him no but a couple things ran through my mine. My thought process went along this route:

Evil voice: the bf would never know

Good voice: don't matter, he's too important to me to go there

Evil voice: whatever would happen wouldn't be emotional so it wouldn't really matter

Good voice: it would thought - I wouldn't want him to do it to me so I wouldn't do it to him

inner quandary done

 

I was a little disappointed with myself for even having this inner conversation so I reflected on it. I examined the idea that if me and my guy were in the middle of a heated fight would the decision have gone different and I believe I would have held on to the high road here. Then I started thinking about what he would do in a similar situation.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful here but guys are hard-wired for the procreation urge. As I am not a man, I can't honestly speculate as to how he would think and act. I am not meaning to imply men are cheaters as I do know there are many men who are faithful to a fault.

 

What I am ultimately wondering though is what does a man's inner discussions look like? Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

 

Depends on the kind of guy your boyfriend is.

 

Personally, I would probably respond to and acknowledge the woman's attempt but would then pull myself out of the situation and exercise some self-control. If I was just dating or in some kind of open relationship, my response might change.

 

Also depends on the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend: are you just dating, are you in an open relationship (spoken or unspoken in that sense)? - so in my situation, I look at the relationship I'm in and woman I'm with (are you looking at other guys? are you hooking up with other guys?).

 

What ultimately stops a guy from cheating could be any number of things. You'd have to know him well enough to figure this out.

 

If you are no $h!t in love with each other, committed and not playing games and your boyfriend is pretty reliable and disciplined, you'd have nothing to worry about.

 

If there are weaknesses in the relationship or in his character (or his girlfriends) - best to find them out, get it out in the open and correct the situation.

Edited February 16, 2011 by You'reasian

[Purplehaze]

Morals, integrity and his commitment promise to his significant other.

[TaraMaiden]

What worries me is that the "good Voice/Evil Voice" even had a discussion.

 

The fact that you were even playing it over in your mind makes me think that any way further down the road, the "Evil Voice" might be the only one chatting.

 

If ever anyone propositioned me in that way, I'd just get into my car and thank them for the heads-up. This isn't a place I want to be in, and those are not things I want to hear.

 

you need to examine your relationship intensely, and ask yourself why "Evil Voice" even got a look-in....

[You'reasian]

What worries me is that the "good Voice/Evil Voice" even had a discussion.

 

The fact that you were even playing it over in your mind makes me think that any way further down the road, the "Evil Voice" might be the only one chatting.

 

If ever anyone propositioned me in that way, I'd just get into my car and thank them for the heads-up. This isn't a place I want to be in, and those are not things I want to hear.

 

you need to examine your relationship intensely, and ask yourself why "Evil Voice" even got a look-in....

 

well said

[TaraMaiden]

I had casually dated my mechanic prior to hooking up with my current boyfriend. We never got as far as actually sleeping together but we had gotten into heavy petting as well as oral sex.

 

And this bit is utterly immaterial and irrelevant.

Ex, casual hook-up, or complete stranger. It shouldn't even ever enter your mind.

 

Thanks You'reasian.

[You'reasian]

And this bit is utterly immaterial and irrelevant.

Ex, casual hook-up, or complete stranger. It shouldn't even ever enter your mind.

 

Thanks You'reasian.

 

You're welcome.

[Whatshername]

Ok, so my man HAD integrity. Never once in 4 years did I have any reason to doubt him.

 

So, his ex gf asked a car favor, then repaid him with dinner(he went) and he kissed her.

 

Then she lured him w/sexting, promise of "dessert" next time. He went, she chickened out, bc she knew he was with me, and not going to leave me even if he had her.

 

So much for his "usual" integrity.

 

He claims he does not respect me, bc of ___ or ____, you know, grabbing my faults, to make excuses as to why he was swayed, why he confided/talked to her and didn't resist. laughed it off, apologized only for the sexting, said he didn't have any bad intentions, and should have known what she was up to. (DUH -she had loved him for 3 years and he walked away bc he didn't want or love her)

 

 

I say it is BS. She lured him w a BJ, plain and simple and he didn't have the decency, respect for himself, OR me, or the balls to give up the opportunity to try get away with it. I have $1500 worthof guilt given Christmas gifts to prove he totally would have just pretending nothing happened had I not intercepted a text message.

 

I have one guy friend(yes, he is taken, and he is a bit on the wild side)..who said women do not need to know everything, and it would have been best had I not found out.

 

thoughts on that?

[Eeyore79]

I'm faithful to my boyfriend because I love him. He's the only one I want; it's flattering if other guys hit on me, but I have no interest in them. I only want to have sex with someone I love, and the only one I love is my boyfriend. I would hope he feels the same way about me

[PegNosePete]

I have one guy friend(yes, he is taken, and he is a bit on the wild side)..who said women do not need to know everything, and it would have been best had I not found out.

 

thoughts on that?

My thoughts are that he's a dick, and is probably cheating/cheated on his GF.

[snug.bunny]

I told him no but a couple things ran through my mine. My thought process went along this route:

Evil voice: the bf would never know

Good voice: don't matter, he's too important to me to go there

Evil voice: whatever would happen wouldn't be emotional so it wouldn't really matter

Good voice: it would thought - I wouldn't want him to do it to me so I wouldn't do it to him

inner quandary done

 

I was a little disappointed with myself for even having this inner conversation so I reflected on it. I examined the idea that if me and my guy were in the middle of a heated fight would the decision have gone different and I believe I would have held on to the high road here. Then I started thinking about what he would do in a similar situation.

 

I think you should consider your initial "evil thought process" when you were propositioned...

 

The inner thoughts that first popped into your head, should have gone something like this........

 

I love my boyfriend.

I could never hurt my boyfriend like that.

What a jerk for coming on to me like that when he knows I have a boyfriend.

[ariestheram]

What worries me is that the "good Voice/Evil Voice" even had a discussion.

 

The fact that you were even playing it over in your mind makes me think that any way further down the road, the "Evil Voice" might be the only one chatting.

 

If ever anyone propositioned me in that way, I'd just get into my car and thank them for the heads-up. This isn't a place I want to be in, and those are not things I want to hear.

 

you need to examine your relationship intensely, and ask yourself why "Evil Voice" even got a look-in....

 

What Tara says has a lot of merit. I was in your exact position once, I went with the evil voice, and it just gets worse. Trust me. I had probs with BF before hand and this is why the evil voice even got a look in.

 

So, take a good look at what you've got and decide to;

a, end it, or

b, work on it.

 

If you end up listening to that evil voice before you take the above steps, you'll regret it.

 

And the evil voice can be heard when you least expect it.

[lenny]

I totally agree that the evil voice conversation should never have happened and like I said, was completely taken aback and disappointed that it did.

 

I know in myself though that I would not cheat on the guy but that didn't stop my mind from going through a pro's and con's list to make this decision.

 

I was curious if a man's thought process was similar. The whole immediate fun vs long term impact I think is a decision we make numerous times throughout the day (should I have that chocolate bar while I'm on this diet, etc).

 

I'm guessing that for one who cheats, it ends up being trying for the best of both worlds. The long term impact seems to be minimized because of the secrecy factor.

 

Oh, and by the way, we do have a committed relationship that is not open . I am not yet going to change mechanics as he didn't push me - seemed to be more of a feeler line of questioning. He likely made this suggestion because he may not have known just how committed I was to my guy. I chatted with him while he worked on my car (for over an hour) and our conversation never even went near anything suggestive after I answered his question.

[PegNosePete]

How did your BF react when you told him what happened?

If you didn't tell him -- why not?

[lenny]

I will most likely tell the boyfriend about it because I really tell him everything but I haven't totally decided on this. I haven't had the opportunity yet so haven't had to totally decide.

 

The boyfriend would likely confront the guy because that what he's like (not try to kick his ass or anything - just assertively say why the hell are you trying to cause problems) and the mechanic is currently involved with someone so this could turn into a huge drama. I did handle it on my own and I totally believe I no longer have to worry about advances from this guy.

 

Not too sure what to do on this.

[TaraMaiden]

I totally agree that the evil voice conversation should never have happened and like I said, was completely taken aback and disappointed that it did.

Which would appear to confirm that you're unsettled in some way, in your relationship.

You simply had no idea just how much.

 

I know in myself though that I would not cheat on the guy but that didn't stop my mind from going through a pro's and con's list to make this decision.

...so for the time being, it's a mental exercise.

For now.

 

 

I was curious if a man's thought process was similar. The whole immediate fun vs long term impact I think is a decision we make numerous times throughout the day (should I have that chocolate bar while I'm on this diet, etc).

The chocoalte bar IS fattening - but in a better way than an affair might be...

It may be a dangerous area to venture into, but I'm not sure men go through the same Good/bad mental process.

I think there are men for whom cheating is a complete anathema. Completely unthinkable.

Then, there are men who would love to, and don't go through the guilt thing...

I get the impression that men are very "black-and-white" in this area.

I'm happy to be proven wrong by any guy who's dwelt in any grey zone....

 

I'm guessing that for one who cheats, it ends up being trying for the best of both worlds. The long term impact seems to be minimized because of the secrecy factor.

No, the SHORT-term impact is minimised by the secrecy factor. It's the long-term factor... the longer it goes on, the less likely it is to remain a secret....

 

Oh, and by the way, we do have a committed relationship that is not open . I am not yet going to change mechanics as he didn't push me - seemed to be more of a feeler line of questioning. He likely made this suggestion because he may not have known just how committed I was to my guy. I chatted with him while he worked on my car (for over an hour) and our conversation never even went near anything suggestive after I answered his question.

Hmmm....

....If I was that bloke, I might have thought to myself - "Well, she didn't give me the total brush-off and put-down.... maybe she's more interested than she's letting on, and I'm still in with a chance, here...."

 

But there again, I'm not a bloke.....

[sally4sara]

I had casually dated my mechanic prior to hooking up with my current boyfriend. We never got as far as actually sleeping together but we had gotten into heavy petting as well as oral sex.

 

I went today to get my car looked at and although he knows I am in a committed relationship, he propositioned me. He totally understands I am in this committed relationship so only propositioned me with "having a bit of adventure" (maybe a bit of petting).

 

I told him no but a couple things ran through my mine. My thought process went along this route:

Evil voice: the bf would never know

Good voice: don't matter, he's too important to me to go there

Evil voice: whatever would happen wouldn't be emotional so it wouldn't really matter

Good voice: it would thought - I wouldn't want him to do it to me so I wouldn't do it to him

inner quandary done

 

I was a little disappointed with myself for even having this inner conversation so I reflected on it. I examined the idea that if me and my guy were in the middle of a heated fight would the decision have gone different and I believe I would have held on to the high road here. Then I started thinking about what he would do in a similar situation.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful here but guys are hard-wired for the procreation urge. As I am not a man, I can't honestly speculate as to how he would think and act. I am not meaning to imply men are cheaters as I do know there are many men who are faithful to a fault.

 

What I am ultimately wondering though is what does a man's inner discussions look like? Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

 

Believe it or not Lenny, you were hard wired for procreation too. Its why you have a womb.

 

What you're reflecting on has as much to do with revenge as it does with urges. If it becomes harder to take the high road after a fight with your SO, you're investing a bit more than is healthy in revenge tactics.

Its one thing to have sex because you were attracted and wanted to. Its another to have sex because you're pissed off at your SO.

[Woggle]

I don't believe in lying to the people I care about. Also just because a woman is attractive does not mean I have to sleep with her.

[alphamale]

Really, what ultimately stops a guy from cheating?

nothing really

[lenny]

Well, I told the bf. He's not very pleased and I'm not too happy about how he dealt with it. Kind of withdrew and now he's gone home.

 

Our usual routine is he tucks me in (we snuggle and pillow talk for a bit) whether he's staying over for the night or not. I was hoping to discuss it some more at that point but he never did join me ... just left.

 

Oh well, we'll have to talk about it another time. I feel good about not keeping a secret from him but bad that we're not our uber happy selves. I'm still not convinced there was any good to be had by telling him.

[Woggle]

I am not accusing you of anything but this is how affairs start so I understand his reaction.

[PegNosePete]

It may be a dangerous area to venture into, but I'm not sure men go through the same Good/bad mental process.

Well I can only speak for myself. When I first read the OP I thought the "mental conversation" went somewhat along the lines of the stupid thoughts we all have from time to time. "Wonder what it'd feel like to put my hand in the blender? Umm no, bad idea"... "Wouldn't it be an awesome feeling to jump off a cliff! Oh erm well, maybe for about 2 seconds". I would never even consider actually doing either of those stupid things but the thoughts do pop up every now and then, and are immediately dismissed. If the OP's "conversation" was along these lines then I think it's quite normal. If she was considering actually following up on the thoughts then I do agree there is something to worry about.

 

....If I was that bloke, I might have thought to myself - "Well, she didn't give me the total brush-off and put-down.... maybe she's more interested than she's letting on, and I'm still in with a chance, here...."

Yep definitely. He is thinking, "maybe next time".

Time to get a new mechanic.

 

Glad you told the BF, OP. But did you just tell him that the mechanic came on to you, or did you tell him that you were actually tempted to go through with it?