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How to turn down second date you already agreed to?


purple_cloud

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I agreed to go on a second with a guy but have now changed my mind.

 

He seems like a player and besides that, he is not really my type. He also makes me feel uncomfortable in the sense that I can't see us hanging out further down the line.

 

Date is tomorrow. I want to cancel today.

 

What text should I send to cancel so that I don't lead him on for the re-schedule? We have some mutual friends so I want to stay on good terms.

 

Suggest a nice text please.

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I don't think there are really any nice ways to text someone that you don't want to see them any more, even if it's just for a second date. I mean, yea you can say "Hey, you're a great guy, but I just don't think it'll work out, and I hate to, but I think we should cancel tonight" but it just seems so impersonal and rude if you ask me. Just think of if someone did it to you.

 

Just because he seems like a player, it doesn't mean he is, and you should still at least be kind enough (especially since you have some mutual friends) to give him a call. Just chat him up a bit, loosen it up, and just say that you're sorry but you're not really feeling the date tonight. If he suggests some other time, say no, I'm sorry but I don't think so. It's still a stinger, but it's not as rude.

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Who about the truth, that you don't see this progressing and you do not feel it?

 

Something like this.

 

I don't feel this will go anywhere, I'm canceling the date tomorrow. Good luck in your travels.

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I am dreading this. He IM-ed me last night and I didn't respond at all. 30 mins later I felt bad and responded that I was chatting to my cousin. He said "that's no excuse". He also asked me if we are still on for the date and I said yes :(

 

This guy can be direct so I am not looking forward to his text response when I cancel.

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I am dreading this. He IM-ed me last night and I didn't respond at all. 30 mins later I felt bad and responded that I was chatting to my cousin. He said "that's no excuse". He also asked me if we are still on for the date and I said yes :(

 

This guy can be direct so I am not looking forward to his text response when I cancel.

 

Did he say that with a smiley face or something? Though it was a text that could be read different ways, I wouldn't have liked that tone upon seeing it.

 

If I were you, I would still go for the date, just because I don't like to wait for a response that you already envisaged to be not a nice one. Especially since you agreed to it as close as just yesterday.

 

You can bow out after the date and not agree to more.

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You can bow out after the date and not agree to more.

 

I have to agree.

 

Go on the date, then make this experience two date wonder.

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He also asked me if we are still on for the date and I said yes :(

 

So you agreed to go on a second date and now you've confirmed that you're still going on the second date? I think it would be rude to cancel now, but of course you can do that if you wish!

 

Something simple like "Hi his_name, I've been thinking since our first date and I don't think things will work out between us. I'm sorry for changing my mind but I'm going to cancel our date tomorrow. Good luck for the future. purple_cloud"

 

Whatever you say, be honest about it and don't say you're sorry if you're not. Don't say you're sick, or he'll think he can reschedule when you're better. Just say you don't want to see him any more. After only 1 date you don't really owe him anything other than to actually cancel rather than failing to show up (although a polite apology for changing your mind might be appropriate, too).

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What about getting sick? People do get sick. He will never know :(

 

Of course he'll know! He'll suspect it straight away and it'll be confirmed when you fail to agree to rearrange for another time. He'll think you're a liar and a flake who is lacking in integrity. Any guy who's been dating for any length of time will have seen this behaviour before and see right through it.

 

I really don't want to go. It's a waste of time.

 

So just tell him you're really sorry for wasting his time, but you've changed your mind about the date as you don't think he's your type. He might not like it, but he'll respect the honesty and appreciate the apology. Probably...

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I think that since you confirmed the date you should go on it. At this point, if you don't want to look really bad to your mutual friends, you need to do that. Canceling at this point would get you a rep for drama, and being difficult. Which could hurt your future social life.

 

So go on the date, and treat it casually. It's only a second date.

 

One more thing. Is it possible that his "seeming like a player" is just you being nervous/insecure as date #2 approaches? Your afraid that he's not going to stick around. Could you be self sabotaging this situation? In my opinion you should go on the date and be open to his second impression.

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Saying you're sick is not a good way out of this, he'll just reschedule and ask you again when you're 'better'. Then you'll be asking for help on trying to get out of a 3rd date!

 

You've left it really late now though to tell him (assuming you still haven't!), so it will look pretty bad if I'm honest. But you need to do what makes you happy and do what you want, you don't owe him anything. I hate cancelling and trying to avoid the guy, but the earlier you cancel and let him know you're not interested, the better. He'll appreciate your honesty and will probably be glad that you've not messed him around.

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Dating is usually about evaluating people as potential matches for you. It is not only okay that you reevaluated and changed your mind, that is actually your responsibility. In the beginning stages of dating someone, you are OBLIGATED to consider whether or not you are really interested-- constantly. Canceling is doing the right thing by not wasting his time. Given that you are only at the 2nd date stage, it should be no big deal for him.

 

The bottom line is that you do not wish to see him again. I have changed my mind about a second date before, and I said something like this:

 

"After some thought, I don't think that I want to go out again after all. I enjoyed talking to you on our date, and I wish you the best of luck!"

 

If he responds negatively, you should feel free to ignore that. You are doing nothing wrong. When I have been in this situation, I have always received a gracious response, or no response at all.

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Yeah, i would just say 'Really sorry, but i can't make tonight. I just don't feel ready to date just now.'

Or something like that.:)

Remember, it's your life, and not everything we do will make everyone happy. That's an impossibility:)

You'll just feel worse going on this date if you don't want to be there.

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Did you suggest an alternative meeting place instead of card games at his place?

 

You know if you guys share mutual friends, you have a better luck asking them about him then just assuming he's a player.

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He IM-ed me last night and I didn't respond at all. 30 mins later I felt bad and responded that I was chatting to my cousin. He said "that's no excuse". He also asked me if we are still on for the date and I said yes
Men that are direct like that, pretty much in your face like that, need a direct, clear, honest and straightforward answer. If there's a sign of weakness in your text he could overpower you and pressure you to go on that date anyway. Or he'll be pissed at you for not being genuine with him, but he might get pissed regardless, but if you're direct he at least can not get pissed at you for not being genuine.

 

Clear, direct, honest and straightforward purple_cloud. Or he'll overpower you.

 

Example:

"I changed my mind about the second date, I don't think things are going to work out. I'm sorry and I wish you well."

 

If he responds don't text back, it'll only give him an opening to get back in and he'll use it.

Edited by Nexus One
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I agreed to go on a second with a guy but have now changed my mind.

 

He seems like a player and besides that, he is not really my type. He also makes me feel uncomfortable in the sense that I can't see us hanging out further down the line.

 

Date is tomorrow. I want to cancel today.

 

What text should I send to cancel so that I don't lead him on for the re-schedule? We have some mutual friends so I want to stay on good terms.

 

Suggest a nice text please.

 

Text is kinda cowardly to be honest.

 

If it were me personally, I'd just call him up and tell him that you are going to cancel your date and why. Apologize for canceling, but just explain that you don't feel the chemistry and you don't think you're a good fit together. Don't give specific reasons, just tell him you wanted to stay friends on a respectful level because you share the same friends and that you think he's a decent guy, just not your type or what you're looking for. End it with that.

 

If he's a real man he'll understand and probalby thank you for telling him. If he's a jerk he'll give you **** or excuses or try to argue with you about why you should go out. If he does this just stand by what you said and tell him you have to go.

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Text is kinda cowardly to be honest.

 

If it were me personally, I'd just call him up and tell him that you are going to cancel your date and why. Apologize for canceling, but just explain that you don't feel the chemistry and you don't think you're a good fit together. Don't give specific reasons, just tell him you wanted to stay friends on a respectful level because you share the same friends and that you think he's a decent guy, just not your type or what you're looking for. End it with that.

 

If he's a real man he'll understand and probalby thank you for telling him. If he's a jerk he'll give you **** or excuses or try to argue with you about why you should go out. If he does this just stand by what you said and tell him you have to go.

 

That's also a good approach, but calling might give him openings and allows him to pressure you. And from reading your posts in this thread purple_cloud you seem prone to caving under such pressure. If he's reasonable though he will not do any of that.

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I was in this position once, but even worse: it was the day of our 2nd or 3rd date, and I just knew it would go nowhere.

 

I called him, and apologized for the last minute cancellation, explaining that upon further thought I didn't feel it was going to lead anywhere.

 

It got tricky in that he asked me why not. Luckily I had semi-prepared for that question, so I was able to explain that even though he had great qualities, the chemistry wasn't clicking for me.

 

Since you have mutual friends, I would strongly urge you to call him with the news, not text him. It's more personal, more respectful of the person, and a better medium for explaining that you're doing a semi-rude thing at cancelling late in the game.

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You could always say you got your period. Never fails.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:

Never used that one. But thanks for the tip.

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Since you have mutual friends, I would strongly urge you to call him with the news, not text him. It's more personal, more respectful of the person, and a better medium for explaining that you're doing a semi-rude thing at cancelling late in the game.

 

I agree with that, but then she better prepare herself in order not to get overpowered. Someone merely asking 'why' is different from someone asking 'why' and then saying 'that's no excuse'. Some people don't take no for an answer and go looking for weaknesses and cracks in the argumentation in order to push through anyway. If she's prone to cave in due to such pressure, then she better have some clear, direct, honest and straightforward answers ready. Otherwise the guy will just shatter her argumentation and use that as an opening.

Edited by Nexus One
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That's also a good approach, but calling might give him openings and allows him to pressure you. And from reading your posts in this thread purple_cloud you seem prone to caving under such pressure. If he's reasonable though he will not do any of that.

 

Adversity builds character. She'll have to overcome this, if not then she should reconsider dating people she isn't prepared to reject in a respectful and straightforward/honest manner.

 

I understand it opens her up to his pressure, which is why she should then realize that he's not accepting her answer and it no longer becomes her problem, it's his, if he can't accept her rejection. She can at least take the high road and tell him over the phone that she isn't interested. You never know, he may just thank her for being honest.

 

You could always say you got your period. Never fails.

 

Ok, give him an excuse today....then when he asks again, what excuse will you give? Even he knows periods happen once a month.

 

The problem with guys is, we believe what you say, so if you make an excuse, we don't take that as rejection, we take it as "oh, she really had her period, but she's still interested so I'll just ask again next week".

 

Until you tell us NO, some guys just won't get the message.

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I went with this (he knows that I have recently ended a relationship). I also did it through Facebook because it's easier to type than phone. He is a heavy Facebook user. No response.

 

Hi,

 

I will have to cancel tomorrow. I have given things some thought (I probably think too much!) and have decided that I am not ready to date yet. Not even casually date.

 

I am really sorry about changing my mind...but I have to do what feels right.

 

You are cool, smart, cute and def one of the more interesting guys I have met. I would really like to stay friends.

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