How Disenchanting

[lipshall]

It's almost been a month since my divorce. I communicate with my ex husband via email to tie up loose ends like taxes and collecting the rest of my things. The divorce was primarily his decision but I have to admit that I prayed that he be the initiator. This is my first marriage and his third. He's 40 and I'm 30.

 

I'm not too suprised that this marriage ended because we only knew each other for about 3 weeks before we decided to get married. Our marriage lasted for a year, but our problems started early on our marriage.We tried making the marriage work but we had different values, morals, and goals in life. Nonetheless we tried. We constantly fought and made each other miserable. Now that I'm out of the marriage I'm starting to realize that I've been mentally abused. It's really sad because when I was in the situation I actually thought I was going crazy that or I was not a good person. I realized that he twisted things to the point that I lost my sanity and confidence.

 

For instance, he had an ex girlfriend that he would call, send gifts to every holiday. In fact he got her the same gift he got me for V-Day and lied about it. He tried telling me that I she wasn't a cause for our problems but I felt she was. I just never understood his friendship with her. He didn't have any other friends in the area that's why he said she was so important to him. I admit the town is full of retirees but he has lived there for over 3 years and he only has one friend. I have lived there for about a year and I have made a lot of friends. He's eccentric but that's still not an excuse. He choose to be unhappy just to live in that city even if it meant sacrificing our careers and happiness. He provided well but it never seemed like we had a partnership when it came to finances, he lied to me about wanting kids just so that I would marry him but he never really intended to have kids with me.

 

He requested that we be "close friends" after the divorce because he likes to remain on friendly terms with his past realtionships. Although my life changed drastically (moved, unemployed, lost an opportunity to get a great job) because of the divorce, I thought I'd try to handle the divorce without any animosity.

 

Knowing full well that he wanted to end our marriage,I was suprised with his behavior after the divorce. He called me 8 times in one day, he cut my cell phone off 1 day before my birthday because he couldn't reach me, he didn't acknowledge my birthday which was only a week after the divorce, he requested I give back the ring, and my cell phone which he gave me as a gift. All from a person who wanted to be close friends. 9 days later I decided to be the better person and greet him on his birthday by sending him an electronic card. He responded by saying that was sweet but didn't say anything about my birthday.

 

Now I want to resolve everything to do with taxes with him and have him mail me somethings I left behind which he promised to mail to me. He ignores my request to have it mailed. He has also informed me about some personal issues he's having with his daughter and is requesting that I call him if I want to know more about it because it would be too much to write via email. I decided the only method of communication I am having with him is through email because God knows how long he would talk. That and I'm afraid he's going to cry and say something to make it seem like it was my decision to get the divorce. He did this the last time I spoke to him on the phone and I promised myself I would never do that again. I think he's shocked that I haven't called him like but I have to take care of myself.

 

I'm really sad because of person I'm realizing he is. I am thankful that I'm not married to him anymore. While we were married I would never have thought that he could be so cold and mean. He always said that he strived to be a good person but the way he handled the divorce and the way he's treating his daughter and her kid doesn't seem too kind.

 

I just don't seem to recognize this person anymore which is very disturbing for me. I mean it makes it easier to get over him but it's also very confusing to know who he really is. I would have thought that he would have been the better person but he hasn't.It's disenchanting. I just turned 30 and I'm a bit freaked out about my future. I know it's going to be much better because I'm not married to him. I just hope that it'll be brighter now that I don't have to deal with his drama.

 

Any insight about why he seems so vengeful?

[Reckless]

Any insight about why he seems so vengeful?

 

Could it have something to do with the fact that he seems like a total a psycho?!

 

What does it matter why he's all twisted out of shape, let him be somebody elses problem.

 

You sound (understandably) that you still have a little way to go to disentangle yourself emotionally from this guy, it's only been a month, give it time. You'll know when you're done because you'll wish him well and won't care one way or the other what he's up to or why.

 

Follow your plan to get any needed papers (email contact only) but be warned he'll drag it out to have something to keep contact with you. If need be use a third party to get the documents you need and then spend your energy on rebuilding your life.

 

Forget about 'being friends' - he hasn't been friendly and seems to lack the emotional maturity for that. Don't let him use his family to suck you into his game playing - you're out of Dodge, no going back for day trips!

 

You paid for rashly marrying a man you'd only known for three weeks (I had to read that bit twice to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me) but the bill IS paid. Start anew and don't look back!

 

Good Luck,

R.