Wife falling apart due to porn and alcohol; can't take much more

[dixiepix]

I have been with my husband for 9 years now. I have a huge problem with my husband viewing porn / videos on the internet. Before we left Florida, he went to college, while I tended a small bar to make ends meet and raise my then 5 year old daughter. The entire time I bartended, he was very attentive to my needs and went to work with me many nights... to protect his property so to speak. I loved it, I thought I had finally found the one...

 

Once he graduated, got job, we moved and married. There seemed to be little time for spending time connecting with me. I blamed it on the newly aquired engineering position and its stresses. He traveled 130 days the first year. About 4 years ago, while he was away, boredom set in and I decided to teach my self to use our computer. I was always told he was reading the news or downloading music. I knew nothing about computers. Within a few days, I knew more than I wanted. He not only looked at porn pics and videos but saves them to his computer as well. Most of what he looks at is pretty hardcore...things I had never even heard of people doing, must less seen.

 

Curiosity then led me to sites themselves. I spent days upon days logging on to sites to try to determine the fascination with this stuff. That was a dead end being that things he had stored on his hard drive were much worse than anything I could find. Meanwhile, our sex life had diminished since we had moved. Did I just realize why? Before, I never had to beg for attention or sex. After we moved, I did. I felt so emotionally disconnected from the one I had put all my trust in. When he arrived home, after a few days, I confronted him. He denied much, but every thing he denied, I could pull up on the hard drive and say, well what is this? A huge arguement ensued, at which time he spurted the words, well do you just want me to throw the computer away? Do you want a divorce? Having some nursing/ psycholoy/sociology background, I decided regardless of how low and useless as a partner it made me feel, I suggested that be something we do together, he agreed that we could do that. Guess how many times that happened...once.

 

I let it go. Two years have gone by and instead of my needs being met once a month, it is now something like every 2 or 3 months. My husband is 32 and I am 36, we both practically look the same as we did when we met. Accidentally, a couple of weeks ago I stumbled on to porn in the hidden tool bar because his parents wanted me to look up the weather before they headed home. This of course prompted a further investigation into my husband's current surfing habits. Mornings, before work. Evenings while also job junting. Most of the porn saved now is in hidden files and folders and he is now erasing the history and cookies after each use.

 

I am at my wits end. Is the need for porn so strong that he must hide it? Is a relationship in which you feel like a live in maid supposed to be fulfilling? We now have two children with a 3rd on the way. I am a very open and honest person. For years, I have told him what was bothering me and what I need, when I need it...."Honey, I need more attention." or "Honey, I really need to have sex" . This stems from an internal need for emotional closeness that is not being met. For a while, that worked. Now, it is as though I never said anything. Compounding all this, is an everworsening alcohol problem. How long does one have to pray for things to get better and a relationship as such improve. I am losing it. I am tired, so tired. I keep telling myself, its for my children. But I really don't know how much more loneliness I can take.

 

Some will say, it is an issue with self esteem, enlighten me. It is quite strange that I work in a hardware store in which I deal with mostly men. I have no problems with my self esteem anywhere except my own home. I am in a downward spiral and don't really know how much longer I can hang on to someone I love and want so dearly yet can not have. He doesn't touch me, look at me, or kiss me....okay, a "peck" before bedtime but that's it and only if I can wake him from his drunken stupor off the couch. I feel like June Clever. On the other hand, I'm tired of my children seeing dad drunk and passed out. My 12 year old is old enough to know. But it is really sad to watch my 3 year old lift daddy's chin to kiss him good night. My troubles run deep. Advice?

[Greta]

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your situation. It's obvious how devastated you are by all of this.

 

It's one thing for married men (or women) to look at porn, but when they use in place of sex with their spouse it's a whole different ball game. Then, after you told him how this makes you feel, "for years", - he still continues to do it secretively?! i.e. hidden files/folders, that is a complete lack of respect & disregard for you & your feelings.

 

You are correct, in that, your 12 year old is old enough to know, but your 3 year old is also able to pick up on tensions too - although does not understand the why's. I know it would be extremely difficult, especially with another child on the way, but have you ever thought of suggesting a separation until he seeks treatment for his addictions to porn & alcohol? Maybe that would be the kick in the pants he needs to really see what this is doing to you mentally & emotionally.

 

I'm not a believer in the whole "love can conquer all" thing, maybe if both partners feel the same, but not when its one sided - as your situation seems to be. I think you owe it to yourself & your kids to get some professional help - for both you and your husband.

[zarathustra]

You're loneliness and despair must be crushing. I feel your pain. Although you reference porn, your marriage has much bigger issues: loss of intimacy and affection, your husband's possible alcoholism and your crushing loneliness.

 

You owe a duty to yourself and lovely children to consult with family, friends, a counselor or pastor to develop a plan to get your husband off the bottle, and to restore intimacy, affection and companionship to your marriage. The porn can wait--you have bigger fish to fry.

 

Once you develop a Plan, marriage counseling, AA, whatever, have a long talk with your husband when he's sober. I hope you're successful in eliciting his meaningful cooperation. If not, I'd seriously consider separating. It couldn't be any worse on your own.

[faux]

Firstly, porn is not a cause here, as it is an effect. Do not blame the porn for your problems as there is most likely something deeper involved. As for the alcohol that could be a major problem, although I find it odd that you went into such detail about the porn and ony very briefly mentioned the alcohol.

 

I would recommend speaking to your husband about this at length, and perhaps involving therapy of some type. Focus more on the alcoholism, and other things which would have caused this problem. I would be amazed if it were actually the pornography which was causing all of these troubles.

 

And so far as his viewing of pornographic material is concerned, he has every right to do it and every right to keep it private. He does, however, also have an obligation to ensure that what he is doing is not hurting you, which it does sound like he could work on.

 

Best of luck.

[dixiepix]

Thanks[color=blue][/color]

 

Had a talk with husband regarding lack of nurturing, intimacy, and alcohol abuse. For now took the advice of

 

forgetting about the porn issue, I'll deal w/ the "bigger fish" first. Of course, when he came from work, he asked

 

what was wrong. I told him the same thing that always was. He knew immediately what I was talking about.

 

In the past, he had always blamed it on a sex thing. I explained to him that it was not that, and that he always

 

thought a good "roll in the hay" would fix it. And for a few days yeah. But I can use toys for that. Intamacy,

 

closeness and sharing a toy can't do and my children can't give me what I need from my husband. He said he'll

 

try to do better, which is not something I haven't heard before. But there is always hope, right? In the

 

meantime, my mother has a house a few miles away that I am going to fix up and put a few belongings, in case

 

I need a place to escape to on the drinking nights...In hopes that he'll realize how serious the situation is.

[zarathustra]

Sounds like a plan,dixiepix.

 

Good luck--Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

[average guy]

As a child of an abusive alchoholic who chated on his wife (and family) alomst nightly, I would recommend for you children's sake (yes they know what's going on) to get out and give them a more stable life. You may feel you can change him, or endure the situation until it changes, but yor children cannot. They are not adults with reasoning power that we are supposed to have. They need you to take care of them.

 

Your plan sounds like an excellent one and I sincerely hopw it works

 

Good luck!

 

A.G.

[dixiepix]

The marriage to my first husband involved abuse of alcohol as well as physical and mental abuse. After 4 years of marriage, I left for sanity and safety of myself and then 2 yr. old daughter.

 

As far as I know my current husband drinks only at home or on his way home. I can't tell by the sniff test if he's been drinking anymore, I think that once a person consistently drinks, it becomes part of "their smell". I can only tell after he has had 4 or 5. The alcohol does not yet involve abusive behavior. Most of the problems lie within argueing with my now 12 year old daughter and belittling her when excessive amounts are consumed. The other problems evolving around the alcohol are his lack of memory and passing out on the couch, unable to wake. The memory thing is a big issue. We'll have a conversation, and a couple of days later, he'll ask me about it, and I'll say, well I told you that the other night. And of course, he'll say that I just thought I told him. But that is consistently over and over and over. He has cut back on the drinking and passing out in the past 3 or 4 weeks, it has helped his memory so we'll see.

 

As for the cheating...nothing I can prove, but it has been suspected. Three years ago, he worked out of town almost half the year. Several suspisious things came home with him on different occasions, just nothing I could put a finger on. After one trip, found a couple of female's phone numbers. Upon questioning him, he told me that they must have come home from work with me. I KNEW that was not the case. Investigation led me to find these phone #'s matched the area code from the area of his last trip. One of whom was married and whose husband was uncooperative and asked me not to call back. I was never able to reach the other woman.

 

On a different trip that lasted 4 or 5 days, my husband only had time to talk to me for a few minutes each evening and couldn't call me on his cell because the battery was low. When he arrived home, found that he had been talking to a female coworker every night late 11/12am for anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes each time. A few trips later, she went with him and a couple of others on a four day trip.

 

And last but not least, my husband does work later a few nights out of the week, but usually only an hour or two past 5:00. Ocassionally it will be a late one. However, sometimes he has to work weekends. Funny thing is, his cell phone always works in the plant M-F. However there are times on the weekend that it doesn't work because of "dead spots" in the plant. Never has that occurred during the week. So I have no solid proof of any cheating, but I am a firm believer in the old addage "every Dog has his day".

[zarathustra]

Not to add to your litany of gripes, but I strongly suspect your husband has cheated and might be currently cheating. You seem to have "won" the marital woes trifecta: spousal drinking, porn and serial infidelity --all topped with intense loneliness and loss of intimacy. And your pregnant with your third child. Yikes!

 

I hope your husband, and by extension your marriage, has not passed that tipping point--the point of no return. Do not stay with this man for your children, whatever you do, if your marriage goes South in a big way.

 

My mother left my father when I was 4, my brother 2 and she was pregnant with my sister to move in with my Grandmother. My late father had very serious drinking problems and was a serial cheat. Back in the 1950s porn was not in the living room courtesy of the internet. Hence, porn was not an issue. And yes, contrary to the almost obsessive defensiveness of porn's strident apologists on these Boards, porn is sometimes a marriage breaking issue especially when the marriage, like yours, is perched precariously on the edge of the precipie.

 

I suspect your coming up to some very hard choices, dixiepix.

 

Keep your wits and act in the best interests not only of your children but of yourself. But I don't need to tell you that.

 

Good luck, lady.

[Greta]

Originally posted by dixiepix

Most of the problems lie within argueing with my now 12 year old daughter and belittling her when excessive amounts are consumed.

 

This troubles me greatly. My step-father was very similar to this, and my mother didn't do much in my defense (at least not in my presence) she would just tell me to stay out of his way & not give him reason to "start with me". And as my husband will attest, the ripple effect of this can still be seen - even many years later.

 

As for the cheating...nothing I can prove, but it has been suspected. Three years ago, he worked out of town almost half the year. Several suspisious things came home with him on different occasions, just nothing I could put a finger on. After one trip, found a couple of female's phone numbers. Upon questioning him, he told me that they must have come home from work with me. I KNEW that was not the case. Investigation led me to find these phone #'s matched the area code from the area of his last trip. One of whom was married and whose husband was uncooperative and asked me not to call back. I was never able to reach the other woman.

 

On a different trip that lasted 4 or 5 days, my husband only had time to talk to me for a few minutes each evening and couldn't call me on his cell because the battery was low. When he arrived home, found that he had been talking to a female coworker every night late 11/12am for anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes each time. A few trips later, she went with him and a couple of others on a four day trip.

 

And last but not least, my husband does work later a few nights out of the week, but usually only an hour or two past 5:00. Ocassionally it will be a late one. However, sometimes he has to work weekends. Funny thing is, his cell phone always works in the plant M-F. However there are times on the weekend that it doesn't work because of "dead spots" in the plant. Never has that occurred during the week. So I have no solid proof of any cheating, but I am a firm believer in the old addage "every Dog has his day".

 

All I'm reminded of, regarding this information, is a line from a stand up comedian's act, -- "Here's your sign!"

[kittykat]

Hi there,

 

I am going to be harsh here because you seem to be a really confused and not sure where you are going. I would strongly say that you need to get your kids together and go elsewhere. I understand that you are pregnant and this is probably the worst time to be moving on but you need to make your kids feel safe and to expose them to this behavior of your other half is not healthy. They are the most important. Honey I know that this is a hard choice but you have to make it.This may also be the push that he needs to get it together. The scary thing about people who drink like that is that most of them at some point get violent and that I speak of from experience. Please think of your kids and get the hell out of there. It' the best thing you could do for all of you.

 

If you are in need of some further support feel free to ask I would be happy to give you my e-mail addy and we could talk.

 

good luck....................from kittycat