is this fair?

[bowwie]

my boyfriend when in a hurry bellow 'LETS GO'!

when i am in a hurry i meekly say 'can we go now'?

for fear of him getting mad and yelling at me that i

am stressing him out.

 

this is another example of what i mean about being so passive.

i hate that fear feeling in the pit of my tummy and i hate the anger i

feel inside that he can be that way and i cant.

[Tony T]

If you are afraid of communicating with your partner, get rid of him. You shouldn't be afraid of asking him a simple question. That's nuts! If he flies off the handle so easily (when you ask him if you can go now) just think about how he would react about something more serious. Why would you want to be around somebody you can't ask simple questions of. The guy needs help.

[zarathustra]

Forget about the unfairness for a minute and ask yourself this question: Do I want to have a boyfriend around who gets angry over the littlest things? How is that fun?

 

Never stay in a relationship where you have to walk on egg shells. Life is too short, and there are alot more fun, stable and nice people out there.

 

Your are beginning to resent him for treating you this way. Accumulated resentment is like a cancer that eats away at the Heart.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by bowwie

my boyfriend when in a hurry bellow 'LETS GO'!

when i am in a hurry i meekly say 'can we go now'?

for fear of him getting mad and yelling at me that i

am stressing him out.

 

this is another example of what i mean about being so passive.

i hate that fear feeling in the pit of my tummy and i hate the anger i

feel inside that he can be that way and i cant.

 

"Fairness" has nothing to do with it, quite frankly. If you feel he's demanding and causes you to feel stressed and fearful, then for heaven's sake, get out of the relationship. No sense complaining about something if you continue to remain yet complain.

[Arabess]

I think what you are referring to though is your frustration for not being able to verbalize what you feel and want. I'm not sure there is anyway to forge thru that without some counselling to perhaps pinpoint why you constantly take the passive route. Maybe you have a fear of confrontation or any other quirk which could be addressed and corrected.

 

Your various posts about how much it bothers you is a good place to start. At least you are facing the fact that you are mad at your own self for letting this go on and on. I believe you will follow it thru and find ways to better communicate and not let life push you around.

 

Check out some 'self esteem' oriented web sites for additional direction.

 

As for your boyfriend, I think you are more angry with the way you DON'T verbalize than you are at him for his ability TO verbalize. It does seem unfair. However, the only person who can change this is you.

[bowwie]

that i just feel so intimidated by him when he gets that way. funny thing is that today we had a conversation drawn from an early morning call from a friend who was having a baby and i told her to call me when she was ready to deliver and we would go there. well she had an epidural and slept right up to time to push, we got there ten minutes too late and i was very disappointed. well i was ready to go before he was and he was very crabby and tired and i was very tired and impatient, i felt so trapped that i could not just hollar at him to "lets go" like he does to me. well come to find out later as we talked about this incident that he says that he too feels the same way.

 

i was quite shocked to hear him saying that he is afraid to tell me things he wants to do for fear of my getting mad about it and just saying no anyway. i was even more hurt that he was afraid too because it gave me no leveredge to fight with or so it feels that way. so now here we are both afraid to say what we want and need to say, yet he has it over on me that he has the ability to bellow to me to lets go whilst i still have none.

 

i think it is true too that maybe i am jealous of his ability to be out spoken if that is what one would call it, whilst i am meek, timid and passive and get nothing but angry build up. so today i have been ever more aware of it and using more eye contact with people instead of looking down or looking away and using a more forceful tone instead of my little whimpy monotone voice, and just basically being aware of my ways.

 

though i have been doing this, i feel no progress in the area of assertiveness but i feel better for having tried and i have had a fantasy a time or two of him being put in his place with my words and lo and behold, when he got ornery towards me today and used this icky tone of voice, being as tired as i was and not wanting to be a victim again, i told him please don't use that tone with me, and he didn't say a word, wow! what power i felt, then shame, then guilt, then forgot it as i went about the day.

 

so ihave a long way to go here, and i honestly do not know how to do this but am willing to try anythng to get over being this passive whimpy little girl on inside that shines through on the outside. i do not think leaving him is the answer, i think trying to get over this and speak up for myself is what i need to do because i would only bring this passiveness with me into another relationship and be the same old me. hopefully knowing that he feels this way too, maybe we can work this through. we have too much love, time and money invested together to throw it away because i am sick of being the way that i am, when hopefully fixing myself will fix this problem and if not then i may have to bark up another tree for help.