Soulinturmoil Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Hi, I need some advice guys, I feel kinda pathetic writing this out, especially at my age (28) but I'm at a loss here. Basically, as the title says, I'm in love with my best friend and I need to stop it. She knows how I feel, we actually talk very openly about it quite a lot and she loves me to bits, she says she's never felt so close to anyone in her life before, but she just doesn't fancy me, she even has said that for a while she contemplated trying to ignore that and forcing herself to give it a go, but she figured that it wouldn't work and would ultimately ruin the amazing friendship we have, and I guess I have to agree with her, only disaster could come of that. the problem is, I'm worried that this will ruin things eventually anyway, I get jealous and upset when she takes a liking to other guys, we ended up having a massive row the other night because of the way I was being towards a guy she's semi-interested in (we were both very drunk, hence it got to an argument) though she forgave me almost immediately because she understands how I'm feeling, but I'm worried that if I keep doing stuff like that, it will become a problem, god knows how I'll cope/react when she actually does start dating someone properly. I miss her and think about her every second I'm not with her, she's my first and last thought of each and every day and I only feel truly happy when we're together. Knowing that one day I'm going to have to deal with her having a boyfriend is terrifying and I'm already starting to crack under the strain of how much not being "with" her hurts. So what do I do? This friendship is far too important to both of us for me to just walk away, although I guess that's going to be the advice of many of you, so how do I deal with this? How can I stop being in love with her, how can I move on? I've tried going on dates with other women, but in this messed up way, I just feel like I'm betraying her in some way (even though she encourages me to go on these dates) and frankly, no woman in the world can compare to her, the most beautiful and amazing princess I have ever met. Any advice on how to deal with my feelings would be greatly appreciated. Thanks A soul in turmoil. Link to post Share on other sites
Spices Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) Reminds me of this song by Jason Mraz: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8Hgp150Eno I know it's probably hard dealing with those feelings. A good idea would be to start no contact for at least a few months. It'll help you move on, imo. It may also give her time to miss you & evaluate her feelings for you. Edited February 17, 2011 by Spices Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I've been in this same situation. Unfortunately, I don't even talk to her anymore. This is a very tough situation to deal with, and there's no overnight remedy for it. I would simply say you need to try and limit your time around her, because it'll just make things tougher for you--but even when you're away from her, you'll still think about her. Every time you're around her, you're just going to want her even more. I really wish I could help you. Just know you're not the only one who's had this issue. You'll be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Jazzari Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I have the same thing going on, only I'm the girl with my best friend in love with me. I don't know the answer. But if she is anything like me, she is hurting too. My friend finally couldn't deal with me dating and went NC. It's killing me, but I don't know what to do about it. I'd give just about anything to have him back but I can't change the way I feel. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soulinturmoil Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I honestly don't think I can or want to try the no contact thing, it seems a bit extreme for a start and also, I would find it so difficult. I also think that it would upset her, and the idea of doing anything to hurt or upset her is so abhorrent to me, I can't even contemplate doing that. However, it has made me think a little. Maybe I should stop being so available all the time, spend less time seeing her or on the phone to her. Distance myself a bit. Like I said, we are too close and I care too much to cease all contact, but maybe less would be better. I can see where you are coming from spices, maybe I need to let her miss me, but I think it would be too abrupt to just stop contact for a few months, I'd be too scared that it would damage things between us. Argh, so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soulinturmoil Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I have the same thing going on, only I'm the girl with my best friend in love with me. I don't know the answer. But if she is anything like me, she is hurting too. My friend finally couldn't deal with me dating and went NC. It's killing me, but I don't know what to do about it. I'd give just about anything to have him back but I can't change the way I feel. Best of luck. I'm intrigued by your tale Jazzari, particularly because you are seeing it from the other side, if it's killing you, why do you not try to sort things out with him? Surely there is a way through it that doesn't end in no contact at all? Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 If you don't break off the friendship or at least go NC, she's going to do it. Things can only go on for so long before either one of you start harrassing or starting fights because everything is so " unfair". In all respect, she just want to be friends. But because you harbor feelings for her, your emotions are what's causing the rift in the friendship. So either, you let her go, or you quickly find a new girlfriend to fall in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soulinturmoil Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Spices: just wanted to say thank you for the song link, I have never heard his music before, and I must say that it's fantastic, and also a lot of his songs are proving quite helpful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Magnet Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Though I can appreciate that you don't want to lose her, she is eventually going to find someone else. The new guy is probably going to pick up on the feelings you have for her and ask that are out of the picture. IMO he would have every right to do that. In the end she's going to pick the one she loves in a romantic way over her friend (you). So an abrupt end is what you're going to get stuck with anyway. It seems like you are just prolonging the inevitable by staying close friends with her. If you simply must continue on limit yourself to seeing her once every two weeks and talking on the phone once a week or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Ask yourself. Who really is the giver in your friendship? In most friendships of your type the ones with the feelings are much more invested so they bend over backwards to nurture the relationship. I'm sure you do much more for her than vice-versa. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings but you need to realize that you are in this for much more than friendship and though she enjoys your company she does not think of you 24/7. Keep her as an aquaintance but know that a deep close friendship is not possible. You need to back away and find in someone else the romance that you desire from her. Not easy but you really have no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soulinturmoil Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Ask yourself. Who really is the giver in your friendship? In most friendships of your type the ones with the feelings are much more invested so they bend over backwards to nurture the relationship. I'm sure you do much more for her than vice-versa. I'm not trying to belittle your feelings but you need to realize that you are in this for much more than friendship and though she enjoys your company she does not think of you 24/7. Keep her as an aquaintance but know that a deep close friendship is not possible. You need to back away and find in someone else the romance that you desire from her. Not easy but you really have no choice. Ok, but it's normally her phoning me every day, and I found out the other day that she has kept every single thing I've ever given her, from actual presents to a note I once left on her fridge because I had to leave before she was up one morning, to receipts from restaurants we've been to. She's driven for 3 hours just to see me for an hour before. That's why I get confused sometimes, but I certainly never feel that the friendship is one sided as you suggest. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Ok, but it's normally her phoning me every day, and I found out the other day that she has kept every single thing I've ever given her, from actual presents to a note I once left on her fridge because I had to leave before she was up one morning, to receipts from restaurants we've been to. She's driven for 3 hours just to see me for an hour before. That's why I get confused sometimes, but I certainly never feel that the friendship is one sided as you suggest. I kept everything my ex- bff gave me, so obviously that means I'm in love with her ???? Friends may go the extra mile for each other but it doesn't mean that a relationship develop out of it. What she says and does can completely mean two different things. Maybe she does love you, but as a " Friends Forever" sort of thing. Again, you're the only one hurting from this if you don't move on or break things off. Link to post Share on other sites
tonyp56 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) Got to say, if you love someone, truly love someone, jealousy should be no where in sight. If she don't return those feelings that you say you feel and instead goes for someone else, if you loved her, you would support her. Even though it hurts you, you can't make her love you. If you can't do that, then you only have one option, that is to let go of the entire relationship and move on with your life. I'm not talking without having experience. I myself have “Loved” my best friend for about four years now. We watched movies until 3 in the morning several times, hung out, went shopping, everything really for a long time. We would talk about almost anything without holding back, we were/are best friends. Though she gave signs that she was attracted to me, touching me often, fixing her hair, blah blah. Normal body language stuff. I finally told her about two years ago how I felt. She told me I wasn't her type, though she did actually love and care for me. Long story short, about four months ago, she kissed me. I'd like to say, things went great, but honestly, they haven't. See I was with my girlfriend (biggest mistake I never wanted to be with her, I started our relationship because my friend said she didn't feel the same about me, wish I would have just waited little longer) at the time (we've broke up since, but she caused a lot of problems, rightfully I guess, but still). That caused lots of issues and we just recently came back from 4 months of NC. Things are progressing, slow, but progressing nonetheless. Anyways, for four years, I sat back and watched as she dated, talked about, and talked to other guys. While never SHOWING anything negative towards her. Never really feeling any jealousy. (I'm not perfect, but nothing like you describe, no fights, etc...) All the while being really confused, “does she like me?” “she acts like she does... she wants to kiss me” and after she told me I wasn't her type, “what the hell? She said she didn't feel that way so why is she grabbing my arm like that, etc...” (think I was more confused after I told her than I was before.) Then she kissed me. Go figure. Through all of this, our friendship is still there (even after 4 months of not seeing, talking, texting, and whatever) I miss her, but I don't go running to her house looking for who she is talking to or seeing or whatever. Edited February 19, 2011 by tonyp56 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishi Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I have two friends who had your issue... we have a tight-knit group of 7 friends, 4 girls and 3 guys, and when we figured out one of the guys loved one of the girls, things got tense, quick. We knew it wouldn't work, so we told him to tell, and give it a shot. They came to the same conclusion that you did. Things went to hell until someone basically locked them up in a room, and made them talk things through. It helped for them... I wont recommend locking her into a room with you, but communication is pretty much the ace here, and if you can already speak openly about your feelings with her, this might be a good solution. Things can only go the wrong way if you say nothing at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
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