journey3 Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 I just found this today & from what I've read theres lots of info & support. I'm 35, been married for 11-1/2 yrs, together for lil over 12yrs, in the begining, we never really had that "on top of the stars" thing, but after we were married I found out he was using drugs, taking rent money was the last draw, so he stopped, he's an alcoholic, he manipulates,lies. A year ago he quit his job, we had been talking about moving out of state for a long time, so i could be with my family, well he went down & stayed with my mom,for 4-5 months, the longer he was there, the worse he got, {he got a job there} but he started doing drugs again stopped sending money, would lie it got lost in the mail, wouldn't come home all night, well we packed up & moved, when we got there, he was so mean , cold, distant, started calling me names in front of our daughter, I was miserable, I said I'm going home, he came with me{we didn't sell our home yet} But, now, he has this internet game that he is on 24/7, he does nothing about a job, still pretty sneaky, took some pills from our neighbors, I've tried everything I'm seriously thinking of divorcing him. I walked out one night & went to a bar he didn't say a word about it then or the next day,but when I sat talking a girl, we talked then a couple of guys came in, & it hit me theres life out there, maybe there is someone else out there for me. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, 17 &15. I have been married since I was 16,was divorced by 18, & only single for a very short time, We just found out our daughter has epilepsy, I haven't really worked I've done alot of babysitting, Here's my dilemma, If I leave him, I'm screwed financially, If I won the lotto, I think I would leave. I can't stand how he eats, sleeps, it goes on & on, but some how I think I still love him or is it I feel "safe"with him. He was my first.I don't know if I love him OR amINlove w/him It scares me to leave, cause I don't want to regret it. I only said the bad, even tho thats bad enough ther is some good. I know I didn't do a very good job of explaining but you get the most of it. After reading what I wrote, it's right there, screaming at you, what are you doing with this guy! Thanks for listening Still confused Kathy Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 I'm seriously thinking of divorcing him. It’s about time! What did you do to survive on your own between husband #1 and husband #2. You obviously found some way to provide for yourself and your children while on your own before. You can do it again. Here's my dilemma, If I leave him, I'm screwed financially If you STAY, you’re screwed financially. He can’t hold down a job, so what else, other than ‘problems’ is your husband bringing to the table? Without a job, there’s no insurance, and without insurance or financial resources, he won’t be able to even afford the professional help I would otherwise recommend he seek. maybe there is someone else out there for me. Here’s your constant downfall. This kind of thinking will only land you in one bad relationship after another. Don’t look for someone else to rescue or provide for you. If you can’t learn to do it on your own, the desperation will drive you to accept the first bad deal that comes along. Seeing a pattern forming here? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 Making the decision to get a divorce is a big one. I'm with Enigma though....it sounds like it's time. The kids will be out of the house soon and you'll just be all alone and miserable with the JERK! The financial thing IS hard if you don't have certain skills. Some jobs just don't pay enough to live on. Do you have any family or friends who could put you up till you got your feet on the ground?? I realize with having kids, especially teens, this is asking a great deal from the people you know. Do you have any savings or retirement funds in the marriage? Any assets? There has got to be something which could give you a financial boost out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 it hit me theres life out there Dealing with the grim reality of your marriage has meant you haven't experienced the pleasures of life for far too long. You have done all you could to try and help but clearly he is unwilling or unable to change. It's time for you to think of yourself now, it will do neither of you any good if you make yourself ill or start looking for ways out of the marriage other than separation/divorce. It's kinder in the long run to leave in a responsible way. Maybe realising you will do this will be the wake up call he needs. It scares me to leave, cause I don't want to regret it. Change is scary, particularly when you are not used to being alone. But you are stronger than you know - you have to be to have coped with what you have experienced. It's not as if you are getting support from him. True happiness comes from knowing you can make it alone, then any relationship you form is a bonus, not a crutch. I know you will have to sort the financial side of things out - although it doesn't sound like he contributes much. I really think that when you are more self sufficient that all the time and energy spent sorting him out could be spent on you - developing your skills and potential. Who knows what good things you can achieve in life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey3 Posted March 27, 2004 Author Share Posted March 27, 2004 Thank you ALL so much, I truely appreciate the support & your opinions!!! Unfortunately, when I was "in between" husbands, I was living w/ my mom, but since then she moved out of state, & I was on state assistance. During the 12yrs, I did work for a year & a half as a purchasing assistant, I loved it, but was not getting any credit for the work I did, & My husband didn't have a drivers license, so I quit to get him back & forth to work, cause he made more money. I've also worked at a fast food place & my daughters school 2 hours a day. I really gave the wrong impression, I am NOT looking for a replacement or a crutch, just talking to these guys, brought my self esteem up alittle, cause I've always thought I would never meet anyone else, even eventually, that would want me, especially having 3 great kids. By no means am I willing to even consider any relatioship untill I get my feet on the ground & self worth back up. This is about to sound really stupid, but one thing that has always stuck in my head & a small part that held me back from leaving, is I talked to a palm reader, he told me I would have another child, I did, our daughter, looked at the back of my hand & looked really scared, I told him not to tell me anything bad, but he made it look really bad, but He told me, I 've already met the 2 guys that are my true loves, I know who the 1st one is & my husband is the 2nd. but he told me so much about my mom that was true. I know really stupid. How do I get over stupid super stistition? I'm so scared, I don't know how to do it, I can't even afford an attorney. Thanks again! I wish you all the very best!! Kathy Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 I know in our state there are options out there, such as organizations that will help you find a place to live, pay the deposit, help you find a job, get you training if you need it, and even legal aid. You can always check with the colleges if they have law students and sometimes they will do free legal work to help with their "breaking into the real world". It is scary, but it sounds like you best bet is to get out and get on your own. Call the organizations and women's shelters, they have all kinds of ideas and who to call for what. I don't doubt you believe in the palm reader, but do you really think that should be a reason to stick around? Best of luck to you and yours Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Just throwing an idea out for you because you stated in your post that you had children and had watched other people's children to earn extra cash in the past. I have several friends who run daycares from their homes and make a descent living doing it too! It also gives them the flexibility of being home with their own children. Of course, it requires that you actually enjoy being around children, and a small fee upfront for the classes needed to acquire a license. But considering, how it requires BOTH parents to work these days, this profession is at little risk of ever becoming obsolete. Besides, you'll have your evenings and weekends free as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author journey3 Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 Thanks Ladies!! I haven't thought about checking into shelters or colleges for help/info, I will today tho. I am going to check to see if I can do a CPR class & whatever else it takes for a daycare, I've thought of it before, but hesitated cause so many people do that in my sub. Thanks again Kathy Link to post Share on other sites
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