Ex who dumped me wants me back

[cloudstoday]

So I sent my ex an email yesterday, kinda just explaining how I felt about him texting me after I asked for NC

and how I really needed the space. I didn't really say everything I wanted to

about how confused I felt or how angry I was at the break up. I didn't feel a

lot better, but was glad I sent it. Then he called me, and I just couldn't not

answer. I stared at the phone, but I couldn't not answer. He was really upset.

He said he was trying to give me space but he's known almost since we broke up

that it was a mistake but he felt like such a horrible person for breaking up

that he couldn't call me. He was sure he'd hurt me too badly. He apologized and

asked if we could just talk about the break up, since I kept saying 'I don't

want to get back together'. He said he had so much he needed me to hear that he

didn't know how to write in an email. So I said yes. I didn't know what I was

doing but I said yes anyway. So he called tonight. I just got off the phone

with him. I told him, with no uncertainty everything about what I

would actully want in a partner, how much it hurt to be shut down like that, to be not

allowed to talk to him after something so traumatic happened. How I what I

want, and nothing less, was to be able to talk, to have my partner listen

and engage with me. To not run away every time it gets hard. And he listened.

And said he didn't want anyone but me. that he realizes he's got a lot of

issues to work on and wants to do some therapy, either with me or on his own. He said he can't just let me go. That I'm the best thing that ever

happened to him. That he's willing to take this all as slow as it takes,

whatever I need. That he's not going anywhere until I say I don't ever want him

again.

I'm so lost and confused now. I told him I'm too hurt, too afraid of the same

thing happening to even consider getting back together. But I couldn't tell him

I didn't want him anymore, because I do. So much. I told him not to call me,

that I would call him next weekend when I figure out what I'm feeling. That I'm

going to Vancouver no matter what. He said he'd wait. He said he knows he's got

a lot of changing to do but that he wants to try.

I don't know what I"m thinking. Half of me is screaming, yes! I still love you,

I still want you, lets dive back in!

The other half is feeling hurt and confused and utterly at a loss. Nothing has

changed yet. Everything he said is just words.

Sorry. This is super long. I"m mostly ranting. I just needed to get it all off

my chest.

[EnterTheWILLderness]

Half of me is screaming, yes! I still love you,

I still want you, lets dive back in!

The other half is feeling hurt and confused and utterly at a loss. Nothing has

changed yet. Everything he said is just words.

Sorry. This is super long. I"m mostly ranting. I just needed to get it all off

my chest.

 

Your still alive aren't you? He may hurt you again, he may not, it's impossible to predict the future.

 

Live for the moment.

 

Life's too short to logically think about everything, jump first, think second.

[gator12]

My advice, you love him? Go for it, take a chance. Life is too short to look back and go "what if?". The guy sounds very commited to working at this relationship and seems truely sorry. Take things slow, give him another shot if you think you really love him, I mean you have a week to decide.

 

He shows that he wants to change which is step one for a second chance, and that he learned from his mistakes. If you get back into a relationship with him, take it slow. Don't put yourself 100% into it until you are sure he is committed to trying as hard as you are. You need to make sure the same issues don't ruin the second chance, communication is key here.

 

My opinion, feel free to sleep on it : What the hell, just go for it.

 

-Gator

[ChameleonMan]

Don't ruin a potentially good thing, but also don't just jump in and validate that he can do whatever he did to you again. As others have suggested, give it some time. He even told you he's willing to wait! This is a perfect opportunity to test just that. If you can wait some time and it works out, both you and him will grow closer.

[suddendumpee]

May I throw in a recommendation? If you do decide to give him another chance....ABSOLUTELY NO SEX for a LONG TIME!!! Ideally until engagement. If a man truly loves you, he will wait, and you will know that he's not just trying to get you back because he hasn't found anything to stick his thing in lately

[cloudstoday]

Wow! You guys are so positive!!! Jumping right back in is exactly what I want to do, but I'm going to wait this week, see how I feel and go from there. There's a lot of complications with us. When he broke up with me I stopped my application to the university in his city, and applied to another one across the country, feeling like I needed to get as far away from the hurt as possible. He also has a 3 year old son, so can never leave his city. I told him I wanted to travel a bit when I graduate, and he told me he couldn't handle that, that if I did that he would break up with me. I love to travel, and have wanted to backpack somewhere since school has been nearing the end. Maybe I should re apply to his university just in case. Leave my options open.

So many things to think about now. But I woke up today happy instead of immediately depressed. This is good!

[Graceful]

I agree that everything he said is "just words" right now.

 

It all goes back to actions speaking louder than words. He has a lot of back pedaling to do, IMHO. You were lonely for many months when you were with him. He took you for granted. He did not listen to you, was not receptive to discussing the relationship, was completely and utterly insensitive to your needs, and did not even want to discuss the details of what it would have meant for you to move away from your home, friends and family to be with him, since he can't move because he has a young child.

 

You're right to feel as you do. You know, some people think they can hurt you like that and when they snap their fingers, it all magically goes away. Yes, life is short, and it's also too short to perhaps spend with someone who has hurt you, when you don't know if you can recover.

 

If you decide to try for a second chance, he's going to have to go a LOT of extra miles for you, and getting into therapy is in that first mile. He has issues up the wazoo, that was clear by the way he treated you. You don't turn around in 2-3 weeks and claim that you'll change, you show that you have made an effort to figure out why you did what you did, accept responsibility for it, make amends and go forward with a new, healthy pattern.

 

There should be absolutely no discussion whatsoever of moving for him, none. You can't risk that for someone who tossed you aside like road kill one minute and is now begging you to come back the next. He needs to win back your trust, and you both need to discuss the necessary steps to make that happen.

 

If he didn't know what he had until it was gone (you) that just shows how much he took you for granted. He has to figure out why he pushed away the best thing that ever happened to him, and figure out if he has the energy, commitment and love for you to never do that again. You have to articulate what you need, how he fell short in the past, and how the two of you can work on a much more caring, loving way of communicating.

 

I responded to your initial post and frankly, his insensitivity toward you was dreadful. It was as though he didn't want to talk to you at all. So now he regrets that and is going to change? Time will tell.

[cloudstoday]

Wow, thank you graceful for your answer. I've really been struggling all day with the thought of getting back in again because I don't trust him, and I'm still hurt from his running away, shutting me out, so completely. I'm afraid if I go back it will all happen again. I love him, and accept that he's got issues, but I'm not budging until he either starts actually going to therapy or comes with me to one of my therapy sessions. I so very much don't want to let him go either, but I can't CANNOT allow what happened before to happen again. I was toying with the idea of re applying to the university in his city this morning, but I couldn't make myself finish the application yet. I just don't know if moving to his city is going to be okay for me. But if I don't do it, then it will be a million times more difficult to try this over again this summer because we will ACTUALLY be on opposite sides of the country. I'll be on the west coast in Vancouver and he'll be on the east coast in Halifax. How does one go slowly with this stuff? How do I not allow my feelings for him overwhelm me and make me dive back into where we were before? I secretly don't completely trust myself not too. Any suggestions?

[depplover_1980]

May I throw in a recommendation? If you do decide to give him another chance....ABSOLUTELY NO SEX for a LONG TIME!!! Ideally until engagement. If a man truly loves you, he will wait, and you will know that he's not just trying to get you back because he hasn't found anything to stick his thing in lately

 

I don't agree with this as I think sex is a very important part in adult relationship and I wouldn't deliberately hold back to prove a point, as I think you'd be hurting yourself as much and missing out of some essential bonding.

 

However I would recommend waiting until you're truly ready and comfortable again; generally do whatever feels natural at the right time.

 

Start dating and getting to know him again, treat him as a new guy, which he will be if he's to make the effort to change. Good luck.