Does an individual have any right to privacy in a marriage or long term relationship

[InmannRoshi]

I've only been here a few months, but I've noticed that there is a lot of snooping around done in regards to looking on your SO's hard drive, or listening in on people's phone calls and things like that. Especially in regards to catching husbands looking at porn or going to strip clubs and things. I mean, most people I know would consider it a violation of privacy if you were to read their journal without permission. So what's the line of distinction between reading someone's journal and searching on their hard drive for pictures or listening in on their phone calls when they are talking to their friends ??

 

So, since I've never been married, I'm just wondering ... is there any limits on personal privacy between mates in a marriage (or longterm relationship) or is everything an open book. I mean, I don't know. I'm asking.

[Arabess]

I sure agree with you on that one Inman. If there is cause to check....then it seems justified. BUT, how do you know until you've already checked. At that point, you've already infringed on their privacy.

 

I'm sure I would check on a guy too, so this certainly isn't a jugement call...but how would you decide if you were protecting yourself or crossing a BIG NO NO?????????

[End of my rope]

I've checked the hard drive on my computer to find out if he's downloaded any porn, but it's MY computer that he uses to look at porn. And he knows I check it. So I don't know if you could consider that an invasion of privacy. IMO, I think that you should have a level of privacy in a relationship, but when it comes to doing something that could hurt the other person or the relationship then you've forfeited that right to privacy as far as computers and the such.

[brashgal]

It took a good year of suspicion before I logged on to my ex's PC to check his email. Once I started, it became a compulsion. It is something I will think about long and hard if and when I am involved in another serious relationship and faced with suspicion. I'm looking for a man who is an open book this time. I'm not a very private person so I have trouble understanding the great need for privacy (unless of course, you are cheating).

[InmannRoshi]

when it comes to doing something that could hurt the other person or the relationship then you've forfeited that right to privacy as far as computers and the such.

 

You don't know if that "something" is hurtfull or not until you've already snooped for it.

 

So, if a wife had her close gal-pal over, and they're in the backroom having a private conversation and the wife tells her gal-pal that there's a new guy at her work who she finds incredibly sexy and has been fantasizing about a little bit ... its perfectly okay for the husband to put his ear to the door and eavesdrop on the conversation .... even if he didn't know if the subject concerned him or not .... since the topic is something that COULD hurt his feelings and its his backroom too.

[End of my rope]

Originally posted by InmannRoshi

 

So, if a wife had her close gal-pal over, and they're in the backroom having a private conversation and the wife tells her gal-pal that there's a new guy at her work who she finds incredibly sexy and has been fantasizing about a little bit ... its perfectly okay for the husband to put his ear to the door and eavesdrop on the conversation .... even if he didn't know if the subject concerned him or not .... since the topic is something that COULD hurt his feelings and its his backroom too.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with it. If we're in a serious commited relationship then he has a right to know what's going on with me. He shouldn't have to listen at the door and check hard drives. And if he does, then there is a problem somewhere...

[Arabess]

Well....there's that saying that All Is Fair In Love and War. Maybe it applies here?????

 

If someone wants a life to themsleves, maybe they should consider staying single. If I were in a relationship and had something to hide to the point of being upset if they went thru my stuff....then who is the guilty party???

[End of my rope]

Originally posted by Arabess

Well....there's that saying that All Is Fair In Love and War. Maybe it applies here?????

 

If someone wants a life to themsleves, maybe they should consider staying single. If I were in a relationship and had something to hide to the point of being upset if they went thru my stuff....then who is the guilty party???

 

Amen.

[InmannRoshi]

Originally posted by Arabess If I were in a relationship and had something to hide to the point of being upset if they went thru my stuff....then who is the guilty party???

 

Many times, the illness in the relationship is the insecurity of the "victim" more than the supposed "crime" of the perpetrator.

 

Like the husband listening at the door example I just used. He eavesdrops on the private conversation and hears the wife confide to her friend that there's a new sexy guy at work. The husband is insecure and the jealous type ... he completely freaks out, barges in, demands that she quit her well paying job that she enjoys ... and all the wife did is have a harmless daydream.

 

Who has the problem ?? The woman who spent 5 hours checking every file on the harddrive looking for pornopgraphy, or the guy who looked at a pixelated picture of a booby for 5 minutes in between checking his stocks.

[End of my rope]

he completely freaks out, barges in, demands that she quit her well paying job that she enjoys ... and all the wife did is have a harmless daydream.

 

 

if the guy is that controlling and jealous...then they've got bigger problems than the privacy issue...

[InmannRoshi]

Originally posted by End of my rope

if the guy is that controlling and jealous...then they've got bigger problems than the privacy issue...

 

Very true ... and I could make that same exact statement and substitute "privacy" with "porn", and it would still be just as true.

[End of my rope]

True, but let's not turn this into yet another porn thread....

[Wolvesbaned]

... is there any limits on personal privacy between mates in a marriage (or longterm relationship) or is everything an open book?

 

My husband and I had always shared some level of privacy. Even before we married, we would usually go into another room while talking to our friends. The talk could just be about random stuff, but we both feel more comfortable doing it. We're not eavesdropping kind of people, not to talk down to it, but we're just not comfortable with it and in the end it's all about what you're comfortable with, no?

 

We also feel it's an invasion of privacy to read emails and journals and hack into the computer to check each other's actions. There are grey areas such as the cell phone bills, where I think its OK and he doesn't.

 

The more I hear about others, the more I think we're different and I'm still trying to figure out if thats a good thing.

[InmannRoshi]

Originally posted by End of my rope

True, but let's not turn this into yet another porn thread....

 

Agreed. I don't want to turn it into that.

[InmannRoshi]

Originally posted by Wolvesbaned

... is there any limits on personal privacy between mates in a marriage (or longterm relationship) or is everything an open book?

 

My husband and I had always shared some level of privacy. Even before we married, we would usually go into another room while talking to our friends. The talk could just be about random stuff, but we both feel more comfortable doing it. We're not eavesdropping kind of people, not to talk down to it, but we're just not comfortable with it and in the end it's all about what you're comfortable with, no?

 

We also feel it's an invasion of privacy to read emails and journals and hack into the computer to check each other's actions. There are grey areas such as the cell phone bills, where I think its OK and he doesn't.

 

The more I hear about others, the more I think we're different and I'm still trying to figure out if thats a good thing.

 

Thanks for sharing. I think that's the type of relationship I would have to be in.

 

To me, its not about "having something to hide". The attraction of having a personal journal is having a place to express thoughts, feelings and desires without a filter in regards to what someone else would think about it ... even someone you love and adore. Invariably, we all have thoughts running inside of our head that would deeply hurt, disgust, inflame someone we love. Its human nature. And you may not ever act on those impulses, desires or taboos in a million years, but that doesn't mean that they aren't there swirling around in your head. Isn't that why therapists keep strict confidentiality ?? And I don't think its a crime to take those intangible inner thoughts and make them tangible by expressing them in a journal, or speaking about them to a friend or visiting a website about it. I would have to have the inherent structure of trust and privacy necessary where those things wouldn't be held against me.

[Arabess]

Either you trust someone or you don't. I wonder if that lack of trust is already the beginning of the end though.?????

[HokeyReligions]

If you trust your partner and they trust you, then what is the big deal?

 

If something in the marriage changes, or one partner feels that their needs are not being met - then discuss it and find out why and what to do to correct it.

 

If sex drops off and one partner is suspicious of an affair - then I can see the evesdropping bit--but it goes back to trust.

 

Porn is a specific issue - one of the many specific issues that should be discussed before a commitment is made. I'll use it as my example though.

 

Example: A couple agrees that porn is a natural part of the guys life. The wife doesn't want to know specifics because she's not crazy about it, but it doesn't bother her enough to think about it all the time.

 

The guy logs on to porn sometimes, but it does not interfere or change the couples sex life. It is just fine and they are happy.

 

One year the wife begins to notice a change in their sex life and that maybe the husband is acting more distracted.

 

She observes her husband and then asks him if something is going on, but he says no. Now she is suspicious and begins to aggressively look for the cause of the problem. She checks his computer and finds porn. It can be shocking when she is first confronted with it. She may even think "how could I have ever said this was okay!" because she is so offended by the porn.

 

She could start thinking that porn is the cause and leave it at that, or she could search further and find emails or chats of an explicit nature, etc.

 

Because she had suspicions and the trust and communication broke down, I don't see this as an invasion of privacy. I see it as looking out for oneself.

 

On the other hand, if she had constantly been looking on the computer to see what porn her husband was viewing simply because she was curious or offended or insecure - then I can see that as a privacy issue.

[dyermaker]

If marriage is a sacrifice, why do we do it? I see no love in breaches of trust, and the less I am trusted, the more the connection is severed. I would only marry someone to be closer to them, and I would never invest myself in someone that doesn't trust me.

 

If there's a postnuptial difference in the expectations of privacy, I'd rather not marry in the first place.

[brashgal]

Back when I married we didn't have email or cell phones. I never thought of checking my ex's regular mail or going through his car either until his behavior changed. Hard to predict how people will change as they age, there are no guarantees in life.

[jenny]

i just think a system of checks would be helpful to this question. again: some spouses are afforded *less* privacy than inmates at a minimum security prison.

 

i agree that a prior, admitted, proven, or the reasonable suspicion of the act of cheating could warrant snooping, but i now feel people should have to get warrants, and demonstrate their evidence before an objective court, before being allowed to rummage through their partner's mail, email, computer, or things. right now, honestly, it reads like an unethical free-for-all in *some* (not all) of the posts.

 

to repeat dyer's line: privacy is different than secrecy. having a seperate inner life does not mean one has something to hide.

[moimeme]

I don't have anything to hide from my past or my present. My policy is that any question can be asked of me; but the person asking is warned that s/he has to be able to deal with the answer. If s/he thinks for any reason that the answer might be displeasing or distressing, then don't bother asking.

 

I'm a big believer in openness and honesty. I'm more than happy to be an open book to people in my life. I consider someone's trust to be an honour and try to return the favour by trusting in return.

 

Invariably, we all have thoughts running inside of our head that would deeply hurt, disgust, inflame someone we love.

 

Now I get why some people are big on privacy. I guess people have very different internal lives. Then again, someone who loves you may well accept you, whatever you think. I get having flashes of annoyance and accompanying unfair thoughts, but these pass; I don't find them significant enough to record for posterity.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

I’ll admit I’m noisy but usually not much of a snooper. If I want to know, I’ll just ask.

 

I am a wife, not a warden. My husband has as much privacy and freedom as he wants. Enough that all of his friends are jealous. I don’t care about the porn he has his computer. I don’t care about his stash of porn mags or DVDs. Porn didn't and still doesn't bother me as long as it is not used as a replacement for me. He has time with his boys, usually once a week. He goes to strip clubs and my only concerns are a pre-determined spending limit and there is a sober driver for the drive back home. He takes a few trips without me every year. He and I have separate computers and I normally would not dream of trying to hi-jack my way into his PC. After all, I would be offended if he did that to me. In turn, he affords me the same privacy and freedom.

 

In a very condensed version: one day, he had some odd behavior relating to an old high school flame. I talked to him about it. I thought it was resolved. Then it wasn’t. We talked again. There were still problems. It is snooping time for me and I snooped for a while. I found things that just set me over the edge. And that takes a lot. After I had enough evidence to leave no doubt they could have thought their contact was innocent or I wouldn't have a problem with it, we had another discussion. Then after our "discussion," with his knowledge, I continued to monitor and check his computer use. When we worked out our issues and I felt like I trusted him to understand and respect my boundaries, I stopped checking his computer. It takes too much energy to be snooper. If we hadn’t been able to work it out enough I felt safe without snooping, our marriage would have been over.

[meagara]

Why do spouses/boyfriends seem to want to hide the fact that they watch porn or look at it on the internet. I think if you are ashamed of it and have to hide it from you significant other then there is a problem. I watch porn with my boyfriend and it is always a great experience. Just be open with them and tell them you want to share, cause trust me it also turns on women. About the snopping, maybe she feels insecure and you are doing something that increases that insecurity, like hiding porn! She may think " Well what else is he hiding?" Just talk to her about the situation. Two years ago my boyfriend cheated on me at my birthday party, after that incident I found a letter from the girl who was in the marines. She said how much fun she had that night( He denied it, but my sister caught them). I took the letter and confronted him about it. He of course said how dare I snoop and that he didn't trust me!!!! When the real reason for me looking was cause I didn't trust him, and cause he hurt me before. Like most relationships we had ups and down, but the best thing we learned with each other is that we had to communicate and talk about things like porno. Just talk it will do wonders for the relationship, and include her, and make her feel secure.