Life Turned Upside-Down

[bizbee]

Hi, all.

 

Recently, my husband and I had a big blow out. I would consider our relationship near perfect for the last year.

 

We did have prior issues, however. I don't know if anyone recalls, but in the past I had posted about my husband's coaching, our lack of time together, etc.

 

Prior to August of last year, my work schedule prevented us from doing much. I cut back work to two days a week, so basically, cut my pay in half to give time to my husband and my kids. My husband decided on his own to not coach in the spring, just the fall, in order to give up something to spend time with the family. I thought this was a very nice compromise and I support his fall coaching 100%.

 

This spring was to be our first together to do husband - wife things and family things. I had been looking forward to it since he announced it last year.

 

Two weeks before spring sports started, he told me that the coach had contacted him to see if he would coach. I told him that I would rather not because we have a lot planned and I knew it would ruin our relationship. He later said that he gave me his word that he wouldn't and he would live up to that promise.

 

A few days later, we had problem with the kids and an argument about his children (blended family). The argument resulted in him and his oldest daughter going to counseling.

 

The next day after the counseling, he asked my mom to babysit the kids so we could talk. I thought we were going to talk about strategies to blend the family (married 3 years). However, not only did we talk about that, but he told me, "By the way, I AM going to coach." My stomach immediately turned upside down. I threw up.

 

To make a long story short, I am still in tears every day. I feel like my heart has been broken. I was looking forward to having him all to the family and not have the coaching in the spring. Not only that, but I don't know if I can ever trust him 100%, again.

 

We were to start ballroom dancing, tennis and other things in the next few weeks. His coaching has already started. Even if he has time to do all these things, my heart is not in it to it and I FEEL like I don't even want to. In other words I have lost interest. I am so hurt. It has been two weeks, now, since he told me that he is going to coach.

 

Please help! I cannot think clearly and am very upset. My heart hurts. Thank you all in advance for your insight.

 

BizBee

 

'Busy as a Bee all the time'

[whichwayisup]

Go to counseling with him. Though use a marriage counsellor, not this 'therapist'.

 

You are compromising and he 'was' compromising, then he changed his mind without talking to you. I'd like to know why he came to that decision on his own instead of discussing it with you.

 

Something is going on, whether it just be a major miscommunication between you two, or he is unhappy, mid life crisis or bordem.. I don't know, but you two need have a very honest talk.

[bizbee]

Thanks. I failed to mention that I did go to see the counselor by myself a couple of days ago. She asked the same question...what made him change his mind and why did he make it on his own? Of course, only he knows the answer to that and I'm not sure when he'll be willing to talk about it.

 

This counselor works with couples, but I'm not sure if that is her specialty. She has been spot on in the past about other family matters. I live in a very small town, so the choices are slim.

 

He and I have an appointment to go to her together for counseling next week. He says that if it is about his coaching, he doesn't want to go, but he will go to discuss the blended family.

 

I feel like in the last couple of weeks, the person I loved and married has gone. For the first time since we got married 3 years ago, I feel isolated, unimportant and unloved. Not only that, but we have lost the open communication that we once had.

 

Thanks, again.

[TigerCub]

Hey BizBee,

sorry, you're hurting

 

a thought occurred to me:

The problem that happened that involved his kid, was it an issue where you were involved and maybe he felt you wronged his kid?

 

You don't have to give the details if you don't want to.

 

But if that were the case, then maybe he took the coaching on as a form of "punishing" you. Still I think its very passive aggressive if that were the case - but could that be a possibility?

[bizbee]

Thanks, TigerCub. That is a very real possibility. I did snap at his kids and that is what got the whole thing started. His kids have different rules at their house than what goes on in our house. We have never communicated the expectations to them, so I got frustrated when they didn't behave the way my kids do and I finally snapped the last time they were here. That lead to him going to get counseling with his oldest daughter, then the next day him making that decision about coaching.

 

I do feel as if he is punishing me because of his actions and how he is not willing to discuss the coaching.

 

All I know is that he is ruining our relationship and until we go back and fix all of this, I can't go back to being the happy wife that I was. I hope this is not the end. I was hoping to be married to him for the rest of my life and enjoy some things once the kids are grown. (We have a blended family of 8.)

 

I just don't know how we can get back to the way we were. Amazing how quickly things can change. It would have to take some major apologizing on his part, as well as quitting the coaching for me to feel half way normal, again.

 

Unfortunately, I am dealing with another human being here and I can't fix his problems. All I can do is try to meet him half way, which I have always been willing to do.

 

Thanks, again.

[xxoo]

Recently, my husband and I had a big blow out. I would consider our relationship near perfect for the last year.

 

The past year seemed near perfect for you, but is it possible that he was quietly unhappy and growing resentful?

[TigerCub]

Thanks, TigerCub. That is a very real possibility. I did snap at his kids and that is what got the whole thing started. His kids have different rules at their house than what goes on in our house. We have never communicated the expectations to them, so I got frustrated when they didn't behave the way my kids do and I finally snapped the last time they were here. That lead to him going to get counseling with his oldest daughter, then the next day him making that decision about coaching.

 

I do feel as if he is punishing me because of his actions and how he is not willing to discuss the coaching.

 

All I know is that he is ruining our relationship and until we go back and fix all of this, I can't go back to being the happy wife that I was. I hope this is not the end. I was hoping to be married to him for the rest of my life and enjoy some things once the kids are grown. (We have a blended family of 8.)

 

I just don't know how we can get back to the way we were. Amazing how quickly things can change. It would have to take some major apologizing on his part, as well as quitting the coaching for me to feel half way normal, again.

 

Unfortunately, I am dealing with another human being here and I can't fix his problems. All I can do is try to meet him half way, which I have always been willing to do.

 

Thanks, again.

 

 

hmmm, well don't they say that being married to someone with kids (and raising a spouse's children) is one of the most challenging types of Ms. I don't know if that's a fact, but I've heard that before.

 

I think a bunch of factors probably need to be considered:

- U and your H need to really address how you will treat each other's children, what limits one of you has on the kids of the other (authority, etc..) and at least you're in counseling for that issue.

 

- Another issue (and I'm mentioning this because I've heard it from a friend of mine, who is facing a lot of probs with his w's teenager) is that maybe your H had a step dad, when he was growing up, and if he felt that step dad was mean to him or his siblings, it could really be a sore spot when he sees you yelling at his kids (I'm not saying you were trying to be mean, and I'm guessing you were reacting to his kids, like you would react to your own if they were bad), but when its their kids and not your - it could feel way more strong.

I'm not too sure on this one, but if he has past issues with a step parent, it could greatly be magnified.

 

Again, therapy should be good in discussing boundaries and involvement.

 

- The last issue that really needs to be addressed is his passive aggressive way at getting back at you. Being passive aggressive in an R is a terrible quality because issues don't end up getting addressed, and instead resentment just builds on both sides.

 

A blended family of 8 looks like a huge challenge, but if you 2 learn to communicate and respect the boundaries & expectations you have then I think it would be doable.

 

Good luck

[laRubiaBonita]

I cut back work to two days a week, so basically, cut my pay in half to give time to my husband and my kids.

 

we had problem with the kids and an argument about his children (blended family).

 

Not only that, but I don't know if I can ever trust him 100%, again.

 

my heart is not in it to it and I FEEL like I don't even want to. In other words I have lost interest.

 

you use a lot of MY, HIS and blames in your post. and your post comes across as being resentful and vendictive.

 

Granted i do not know the other side either.

 

also you mentioned the other kids home? do they not live with you? or is it a weekend thing?

[laRubiaBonita]

All I know is that he is ruining our relationship and until we go back and fix all of this, I can't go back to being the happy wife that I was.

- The last issue that really needs to be addressed is his passive aggressive way at getting back at you. Being passive aggressive in an R is a terrible quality because issues don't end up getting addressed, and instead resentment just builds on both sides.

quite exemplified here.

 

All I can do is try to meet him half way, which I have always been willing to do.

 

sometimes you have yo go further than halfway... other the other party does..... like i said it is NOT tit-for-tat.

[whichwayisup]

Is his daughter on the team he's going to be coaching? Just wondering.

 

Just throwing this out there, sorry... Is there someone else? Is he close with a woman friend? It could explain his desire to coach and not want to change his mind.

[bizbee]

The past year seemed near perfect for you, but is it possible that he was quietly unhappy and growing resentful?

 

That is possible. I would hope that he would have spoken to me about his unhappiness if that were the case, but you may be right. And the resentment could have grown up to this. Maybe therapy would bring that out.

 

Thanks.

[bizbee]

 

In reference to your last post, TigerCub, thanks for bringing those topics to my attention.

 

In fact, he did have a step dad that he hated due to some abuse when he was a child. I never thought of that. I could definitely see why that would cause him to react that way...if that is the reason. I suppose therapy could help bring that to the surface, if that is indeed the case.

 

As for the passive aggressiveness, this is the first time I have experienced it that I am aware of. I hope that is not something that I will see more of.

 

Thanks, again.

[bizbee]

Is his daughter on the team he's going to be coaching? Just wondering.

 

Just throwing this out there, sorry... Is there someone else? Is he close with a woman friend? It could explain his desire to coach and not want to change his mind.

 

Thanks. His daughter is not on the team. I think she wants him to coach, though.

 

As for a woman friend...he coaches high school girls and is quite close to some of them. I don't think in a sexual way, but I believe he lives the sport through them. Some of them are quite good and one could be this year's state champion, possibly.

[bizbee]

quite exemplified here.

 

 

 

sometimes you have yo go further than halfway... other the other party does..... like i said it is NOT tit-for-tat.

 

Thanks for your reply. Both are good points.

 

I am willing to go more than halfway sometimes. It's like dancing, sometimes I step his way, sometimes he steps mine. All in all we are meeting each other and living in harmony. If that is not the right way of working together, then I will admit, I don't know any other.

[laRubiaBonita]

just to clarify, BB, i am not trying to get you all riled up.... just pointing out.

 

 

also, if H lives sports and does so that is also productive to the kids, i think that is a good thing.

but i also see your issues with not having him at home.

 

when my now H and i were dating most of my free time and weekends were spenting teaching swimming and managing the pool. when we got engaged he flatly told me i needed to cut back at the pool because i wasn't around him enough.

 

i took me a little while to get over how selfish i thought he was being- all i could think was here i am teaching kids and all he can think of is himself. it made me mad, and i felt like he was trying to tell me what to do.

 

we talked about it a lot, how i feel more accomplished knowing that i have given of myself to make others lives better.... he wanted to know why he was second best fo my time when he is the one i have agreed to spend the rest of my life with and love and cherish.

 

so we did have to compromise and i did cut back on my teaching time, now i would love to tell you that the time we spend together now is total quality time all the time, but if nothing else, it is nice to have someone at home to be with.

 

he works alot and recently started travleing a bit more for work- so right now i am on the flipside of this.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't mean one of the highschool girls, I meant a woman, as in, maybe a mom or someone else associated with the team?