At a loss: completely fallen for my best friend

[sounsure1]

So, I think the title probably says it all. This is probably going to be a bit long so bear with me, but I'm not sure where else to get some advice. Ive known this girl, lets call her Amy for around 3 years. Since the day I met the girl I have always thought she was gorgeous. At first, I considered trying to date her but things just didn't seem to work out like that. Not long after I met her we started talking all of the time. For the first year or so we would talk to each other online for hours - and I mean we could talk about everything all night long. I would look forward to talking to her. Eventually I ended up becoming very close to Amy. I started to realize that she was one of a kind, someone who would never lie, never intentionally hurt me and someone who I could completely trust without any doubts. Some girls, its a mystery game and you feel like you can never really trust them (like my ex for example?) but this one, I began to realize that shes just one of a kind. Eventually, talking online every night started to turn into phone calls and we started talking on the phone all of the time. And not just short phone calls, hours long phone calls about everything you could probably talk on the phone about.

 

Eventually, (especially lately as of this post) Amy and I started spending quite a bit more time with each other then usual. At first, it was always difficult for her to see me a lot, as she went to school (not too far away from me) and was obviously busy. But whenever we did hang out it would always be a fun time, and made me so happy to see her whenever I did. Lately she has made a lot of time to see me, compared to before. So not only do we talk all of the time, but we have seen each other more. Not too long ago I've started to realize that I have very strong feelings for her. When we've hung out it has started to become a little bit more of a dating situation. We would hold hands and cuddle go on little dates and just generally not act so much like just friends. As much as I wanted to deny I was falling hard for this girl I was, and it seemed like anyone I told about the situation was telling me that I should just get with her and it was obvious I didn't just want to be her friend.

 

Jump to a few weeks ago: I tried to figure out if she had feelings in the same way...so I could know if I should try to get over it or not. She is the type to hold in her feelings and stay quiet, even if something is really bothering her. I asked her if she still just wanted to be friends because when I first met her she said she wasn't looking for a boyfriend and i respected that. She didn't say anything. A short time later, I started talking to one of her friends. She found out I was talking to her friend and asked me not to. I begged her to tell me why...because I was trying to figure out if she wanted something with us...but she refused to tell me anymore then she didn't like it. I felt like I gave her every opportunity to tell me at this point if she had feelings for me but she didn't. I was left to assume that she didn't want me talking to her friend because she didn't want me to give her friend more attention then I have her. She didn't want to lose the way I treated her (pretty much like a girlfriend) Knowing she would be angry, but not thinking it was fair how she was being I saw her friend anyways. Eventually, she found out I was hanging out with her friend. She was upset but I confessed to her that I wanted things to work out with her more then anything and I was completely in love with her. She said she wanted to date and give us a shot...she was sick of always having "what-ifs" stop her. Before this, I found out through her friends that she told them I would be great for her and I treat her amazing but she didn't know if she could 1. risk ruining or friendship by dating and 2. bring herself to have sex with me because we've been friends for so long. So apparently by this point she decided that she could get over those two things.

 

As soon as I knew that she was willing to date me, something I never saw happening before, I stopped seeing her friend (who has been great to be and it sucks that I hurt her). Amy found out that I had hooked up with her friend, though, and was devastated. She was so upset she couldn't even talk to me and she was crying. I felt absolutly terrible that I had done this to the girl that I love so much. I tried everything, sent her flowers the next day. Went to see her the next day to comfort her and show her how sorry I was. She warmed up to me that night but I could tell that it definitely was a hit to our relationship, and she admitted that it hurt us a little bit. I explained to her why I did what I did and how I didn't know she would ever want to be with me, as much as I wanted her more then everything. I told her I didn't want what I did to ruin our chances of being together and she told me she needed time to think about it.

 

A week or so later I asked her to come out with me for V-day. She agreed, and I got her a little present and took her out to dinner. I hoped so much that this would be where she would forgive be but when I asked if she had been thinking about things she told me she didn't know and I was crushed. I had her right in front of me and because of what I did I felt like I was going to lose her. The day after we went out I told her I was having a really hard time with this, being in limbo not knowing what she wanted and she told me as much as she loved me she couldn't date me anymore. When I asked why she said she couldn't get over what had happened with her friend.

 

I'm not naive and I don't think you can force someone to want to be with but she promised me a call later that night and she did. We talked for hours and I asked her how she could let other guys treat her like crap and still want them (another reason she was having a hard time dating me is she liked another guy for years that doesn't treat her well and hasn't even driving an hour to see her in over a year. She didn't know is she was over him and didn't want to date me and not be over him and hurt me, all of which she told me) I asked her how she couldn't let someone who was completely in love with her and someone that she has an awesome relationship with have another chance. I also asked if she was holding back because she thought it might be awkward, and I got the feeling that that was a part of it too, as well as me being with her friend. I basically told her that I don't want to lose her and I want to give it a shot, and I want her to want to give it a shot. I told her I want her to take a chance on our relationship because she was amazing and I don't wanna let her slip away. She was clearly upset about the situation and getting teary. I asked her if she wanted me to stop and give up on us. She told me that she wanted to sleep on it and that she just needed some time. I am going to give her as much time as she needs. I love her to death and I don't wanna lose her but I know I can not force things. As much as I want it to work and I don't wanna lose our special relationship I feel that is she is not willing to give it a shot that It would be almost impossible for me to just be friends with her and have to see what I screwed up and see her with other guys. I don't know what to do. I am at such a loss and I know that the one thing I DO have to do is give her that space to think. I don't know where to go form here but I'm hoping for some direction. I am being ripped apart by this situation and have never hurt so bad, not even for any of my ex's. (I thought about Amy constantly even when with ex girlfriends) I know that if she can't do it I will be heartbroken worse then I ever have been. What do I do?

 

Thanks for bearing with me I have so much on my mind that was the brief version if you believe it!!

[sounsure1]

Anyone??? Ive begun to try to distance myself to give myself time to think but id still like some advice if anyone has any..

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm still trying to understand how you hooked up with the friend... I thought you were only going to the friend for advice?

 

Anyways sounds complicated. She doesn't know what she wants, and you're going back and forth between wanting to be friends and wanting a relationship. Stick to one thing please, and lead by example. If you can't be friends because you like her too much, time to let her go. Show her you're serious by being serious.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I can see you really want this girl very much. My feeling is that she doesn't feel quite the same attraction as you, though she is obviously very fond of you and I expect she does love you as a friend.

 

You have been there for her for a long time now. You are easily available to her. You may be overdoing the availability thing a bit. She hasn't had chance to miss you and feel how much you matter to her. Also, to a certain extent she is controlling you. Of course, she couldn't do this without your consent in the first place. You wanted to be with her and made it quite clear. She was vague and gave you excuses and wanted time to think, didn't know her own mind, etc. So, not surprisingly, you decided to date another girl and now the girls you like is annoyed with you and claiming she couldn't have a romantic relationship with you because you hooked up with her friend? It's actually none of her business if she is choosing not to be in a relationship with you. Dating her friend might be a bit tactless, as they are no doubt close to each other, but apart from that, if her friend is single and consents, then the girl you are keen on should have no say in the matter. She certainly shouldn't be blaming you and using that as an excuse to say she can't be with you.

 

Personally, I think she's giving you lots of semi-false reasons why she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. Basically, she does not feel intense attraction. Until she does, nothing will happen and you will be eternally frustrated. It is possible that if you behave in a less devoted way to her and exercise your natural freedom that she might start to see you in another light. Be less available, don't let her control you. Tell her you saw her friend because her friend is attractive and you are single and free. She had already said she couldn't be with you so she can't really complain if you choose to exercise your freedom to be with other girls.

 

Spent more time away from this girl. Date other girls. See her slightly less often than she wants to see you. It might seem like playing games but actually I think your behaviour might be bordering on the clingy side and so she would put a distance between you rather than try to bridge the gap, if you see what I mean. You need to turn this into a situation where she is making an effort to see you, not the other way round.

 

Meanwhile, I'd give up on her because she is not feeling the attraction necessary at the moment. Enjoy meeting other women and spending time doing other things. Make the most of your freedom and don't allow her to pressure you into anything that seems to obstruct that. You wouldn't accept restrictions from your male friends, would you? You need to disentangle yourself from her life somewhat. I couldn't promise that if you do she will suddenly come running and and want to be with you, but it's not impossible and you will be increasing your value in her eyes by being in control of yourself and making your own decisions, not just waiting for her to decide things.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you. It's a shame that this girl is not feeling the same way at the moment.

[sounsure1]

Things have been ok guys, Ive been having a good time with friends and trying to forget about the situation because thinking about it does me no good an I realize that... Any more thoughts/insight would be greatly appreciated!!

 

 

xpaperxcutx: Why did I hook up with her friend? I was getting advice from the friend. I also had broken up with a girlfriend a few months before, and her friend had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship. We started talking and we hung out, and things just happened from there. Maybe I should have stayed away but it seemed that because Amy knew I might be seeing her friend that it was what pushed her to tell me she wanted to date. I really like that last line though....I think it is time to show her I'm serious by being serious.

 

SpiderOwl: Wow, when I read your post I couldn't even believe how much you seem to understand whats going on here.. I know she does love me as a friend and I suspect that she just doesn't have the same level of attraction as well....otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation! And your also right, she turned down her opportunity with me, so why should she get to tell me what to do? I know that because it was her best friend things get a little more tricky, but still....its not fair and she knows it and we have definitely talked about it. The reason I guess I sympathize with her is I could see it really upset her even though its not logical or fair and even a little bit selfish on her part in my eyes. I DO care about her a lot even if she doesn't want to be with me I would never want to see her upset because of it. I can't agree more that I need to be less available. I need to show her that she isn't going to get to do the things that she does with me if she doesn't wanna be with me. I need to show her that shes not the only girl in the world and that I can't be hung up on something that will never be. If it makes her see me differently will I be happy??....yeah I will...but I've been thinking a lot lately about if I can be with a girl that is making being with me such a difficult hard decision. I have been seeing other girls, because I know that I really have no choice in the matter. I am staying very light on the contact with her, and trying to distance myself. I know you couldn't assure or promise anything, but you have definitely put things into perspective. Thanks for taking the time for such a detailed and thoughtful post.

Edited February 20, 2011 by sounsure1
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[sounsure1]

Hi All, quick update. I have cut contact so far, and it's been ok, but hard... am I doing the right thing??

[heartshaped]

I think you are doing the right thing. You have to continue on with your life. If she doesn't want to date, she doesn't want to, and you can't force that. All you can do is try to move on with your life and give yourself the space and time that you need to heal.