Intricategirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Don't take the fact you haven't found a great guy yet as a failure. Took me 1.5 year of online dating before I found the girl I'm with now. Just stay true to yourself, stay open minded, and don't settle for something that isn't right for you. I don't view it as a failure. I've learned a lot from all the dates I've been on, and had a lot of fun in the process. I've met some great guys, just not great guys for me. I'm taking a break from the online dating, because I'm not finding what I'm looking for online and it forces me to get out and be social. Plus, it's not a huge priority right now. If I go grab a cup of coffee and meet a nice guy there, it may become a priority, but in the meantime, it's all good. Your advice is solid though. Thank you.
Alexz Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Don't get too discouraged, online dating success is extremely low and the male population using it is intensely high. I remember reading only 50% of both the female/male population actively use the websites, 40% of the active users found a close friendship, relationship, or actual date. Very small chance of success and you're at a disadvantage being a male. It really takes alot of luck to find someone you may have an honest connection with on a mutual basis.
irc333 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 There are a lot of superficial women on dating sites, but there's also a lot of great women, you just need to know how to find them. I'm 5'8" (short) 200 lbs (stocky), Are the women you're meeting of similar dimensions? Also, saying that those things NEVER happen to you, well doesn't mean jack actually.
mtber75 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I recently decided to give my profile another go on Okcupid. Yet, I'm starting to get down in the dumps again over who responds/ doesn't respond to my messages. It's just frustrating, because I'll write a decent message trying to get a conversation going, or just winging it and being fun, yet they won't even bother to look at my profile....I just get ignored completely. Perhaps it's my profile image?? I read another thread on here about women who receive hundreds of messages on online dating sites. Am I just losing out to more attractive people? Or are they just too busy or overwhelmed to respond to me. I've even messages people who live super far away from me, just to talk and get to know one another...apparently I'm not even good enough to be friends with?? Yeah, I think a lot of girls get tons of responses from guys with the standard complimentary messages so they are not serious about it. I use to start off with a detailed message that refers to their interests and likes. I never got replies. But when I wrote a short, funny message pointing out one of their interest, I actually got several responses back! Be creative and stand out!
newb Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 From personal experience, I get over 100 messages per week from guys on OkCupid. At first I tried to respond to most people but I just don't have the time, and if I'm not interested in someone, replying "Sorry, not interested" does not exactly soften the blow. Most people aren't on the site to make "friends" anyway, even if their profile might say that. Try to make your messages interesting. Don't ask them annoying questions that they already answered in their profile. Don't give physical compliments--but rather something like "You seem interesting" or "I'm intrigued"...You could say she is cute, but every other compliment gets old and will make her feel like you just want in her pants. If you posted a picture taken by your cell phone camera in front of a mirror, delete it now! That is such a turn off and makes you seem like a HUGE loser. Myspace is out of style. One thing I've notices is I'm drawn to profiles that don't start off describing themselves with adjectives--but rather let me assess the person. For example, mine says that I love to travel, learn new languages, take photos, and do anything that involves a high-adrenaline rush. I could have said "I'm an adventurous girl" but that sounds a lot less convincing than me describing myself and allowing you to conclude that yourself about me. Don't appear needy and sensitive in your profile, and DON'T say what your looking for in a girl. It makes you seem desperate. Hope that helps!
mtber75 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Don't get too discouraged, online dating success is extremely low and the male population using it is intensely high. I remember reading only 50% of both the female/male population actively use the websites, 40% of the active users found a close friendship, relationship, or actual date. Very small chance of success and you're at a disadvantage being a male. It really takes alot of luck to find someone you may have an honest connection with on a mutual basis. This is actually NOT True! I personally know friends who got married from online sites. So from my prospective, success rate is pretty high! It may have be the case 10 years ago when online dating was still immature but now every single friends that I know uses it. Nothing to do with luck, you just got to work on it! Its like a job, you send out tons of resume for that one opportunity!
irc333 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Don't appear needy and sensitive in your profile, and DON'T say what your looking for in a girl. It makes you seem desperate. Hope that helps! I think you're meaning more like, "Don't tell them what you think they want to hear" Right?
Alexz Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 This is actually NOT True! I personally know friends who got married from online sites. So from my prospective, success rate is pretty high! It may have be the case 10 years ago when online dating was still immature but now every single friends that I know uses it. Nothing to do with luck, you just got to work on it! Its like a job, you send out tons of resume for that one opportunity! Yeah, I am happy for your friends. But this is just a typical modeling system (involving scarcity for the fellow economists/environmentalists out there) as we switch to the internet being a public domain for information distribution. Similarly to the firms or organizations that read the resumes, the women will toss aside the majority of them as there is an increasing marginal cost and decreasing marginal utility with the higher influx. The only counter to this is to institute a marking system, which I believe plentyoffish implemented a while back after receiving numerous complaints from the female user population, claiming that they are being swamped with too many profile contacts (I believe you may now send virtual roses to show "serious" interest in someone). Similarly to the hiring organizations and faculty allocation in education, there is a marking system where you may display special interest in hiring quarters by applying a "mark" to 2 specific resumes you send out. People will pay more attention to those special interest groups. Unfortunately, the majority of dating and hiring sites are being polluted with more and more spammers, because there is an increasing lack of scarcity, which is absolutely necessary in any modeling system in order to impose some uniformity and constraint. The result is a decrease in success rates. I would only hope for someone to find another person to be with them, but it is becoming increasingly more difficult due to the proposed problem. Like you say, it is a job. Determined people will most definitely find someone, but it is quite a bit of work but the cost exceeds the revenue in most cases resulting in deadweight loss (lost time and interest). Might be a bit too technical to express it in that way, but such is the case, sad to say.
stepka Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Whenever I read stuff like this I get really depressed because I hardly have anyone write to me even though I'm often told that I'm a dead ringer for Meryl Streep. I'm also often told that I don't look anywhere near my age so sometimes I'm tempted to post a fake age on there just to see if I get any more response than I'm getting now, though then I wouldn't go on the dates b/c I won't lie about my age--just an experiment to see if age really is the problem. It does seem that at 51 I'm too old for even the 55 yo, since they often state that they're looking for someone 30-45. These are the reasonably decent looking ones--not the drop dead gorgeous ones. But even the sloppy guys aren't writing to me. So maybe the women are getting a lot of letters from guys but only if they're under a certain age--if my age and not my looks is a problem. The ones I do get are totally inappropriate--young guys looking for sex and a sugar mama, and lesbians trying to get me to cross on over to the other side. I went on a date a few weeks ago that I wasn't really interested in just b/c I wasn't hearing from anyone else and he looked and acted gayer than my ex. I'm just posting this so you know that it's not just guys who are having a problem and if it makes you feel any better, at least the tables will turn past a certain age and you can get even with all the women who rejected you by dating only younger women when you're older. I was never a mean girl though and was married for too many years so you can't blame me for the inequities. Blame the Guy who made us. I will tell you this though--the ones I don't reply to are the ones w/o a pic (I assume they're married), the ones w/o a profile, the ones who just say hi, the ones who start off telling me that I'm drop dead beautiful and they want a relationship with me. . . in other words, stuff that's inappropriate for this stage in the "relationship."
green_tea Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I've even messages people who live super far away from me, just to talk and get to know one another...apparently I'm not even good enough to be friends with?? Most people are on dating sites to meet people, not find pen pals. I sometimes get messages from people overseas, and don't always respond, and if I do it's just to say sorry but you are too far away, good luck.
green_tea Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Whenever I read stuff like this I get really depressed because I hardly have anyone write to me even though I'm often told that I'm a dead ringer for Meryl Streep. I'm also often told that I don't look anywhere near my age so sometimes I'm tempted to post a fake age on there just to see if I get any more response than I'm getting now, though then I wouldn't go on the dates b/c I won't lie about my age--just an experiment to see if age really is the problem. It does seem that at 51 I'm too old for even the 55 yo, since they often state that they're looking for someone 30-45. I think you are right about age being a problem. I am 40 now, and do not get as many messages as when I was a little younger (I've tried online dating before, and used to get inundated). Guys my age usually don't want women older than 35, I guess because of wanting children. I even got that message from OkCupid about being in the top half of most attractive users, so I know my looks are not a problem.
Jazzari Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Whenever I read stuff like this I get really depressed because I hardly have anyone write to me even though I'm often told that I'm a dead ringer for Meryl Streep. I'm also often told that I don't look anywhere near my age so sometimes I'm tempted to post a fake age on there just to see if I get any more response than I'm getting now, though then I wouldn't go on the dates b/c I won't lie about my age--just an experiment to see if age really is the problem. It does seem that at 51 I'm too old for even the 55 yo, since they often state that they're looking for someone 30-45. These are the reasonably decent looking ones--not the drop dead gorgeous ones. But even the sloppy guys aren't writing to me. So maybe the women are getting a lot of letters from guys but only if they're under a certain age--if my age and not my looks is a problem.Dating in your mid 40s+ is a bitch for a woman. Most men are looking for women 10 years younger than themselves. I also got the much older and much younger crowd when what I wanted was someone my own age. I look 10 years younger than my real age but like you, I didn't want to lie. What I did was visited the profiles of men that interested me. That way, I would show up on their "who viewed me list". If I really like them, I would send a wink their way. I connected with more men that way, then them finding me through a search. I will tell you this though--the ones I don't reply to are the ones w/o a pic (I assume they're married), the ones w/o a profile, the ones who just say hi, the ones who start off telling me that I'm drop dead beautiful and they want a relationship with me. . . in other words, stuff that's inappropriate for this stage in the "relationship." I used to agree with this, but then I took a chance and talked to a man who didn't post a pic. It turned out that he was some talking head on TV and didn't want the public to know he used a dating site. We never dated but remain friends and it also turned out to be a good business lead for me. So sometimes those "no pic" profiles can be very interesting and great guys.
Intricategirl Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Dating in your mid 40s+ is a bitch for a woman. Most men are looking for women 10 years younger than themselves. I also got the much older and much younger crowd when what I wanted was someone my own age. I look 10 years younger than my real age but like you, I didn't want to lie. What I did was visited the profiles of men that interested me. That way, I would show up on their "who viewed me list". If I really like them, I would send a wink their way. I connected with more men that way, then them finding me through a search. You know, the most interest I ever had, I simply went and viewed their profile, and occasionally added a few to my favorites list. I think I've only initiated contact with three guys in the roughly 2 years I was on dating site, and only went out with one of them. We're still really good friends. I'm in my mid-30s, very ambivalent about having any more kids, so I'm thinking that an older guy might be a very good match for me. Last year, I had a great guy who was almost 50 that I was very interested in, and I kind of regret not pursuing that. But I also know that the guy I did end up dating was exactly the guy I needed to date at that point in my life. On the flip side, I've got a 21 year old that's hot for me. It's a little bit of an ego boost until I start doing the math and figure out that I'm old enough to be his mom.
irc333 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I met this woman online, she's 44 years old, single, never married, never had any children, and on her POF profile says she doesn't even want any children. Definately rare in this neck of the woods, because if women are single aruond here, they're single moms, to find a 44 year old woman that's SINGLE without kids, is a unique person. I emailed her, and she said that she was very impressed with my email....we corresponded back and forth, and we got along real great, even shared our FACEBOOK profiles (friended each other) Then one day, we've spoken for a week, I finally asked for her # and about meeting up some days, then she said she was getting back with her ex. I figured typical, I have noticed though, people that areon these dating sites are typically REBOUNDING....it's a great way for a person to rebound without having casual sex. 1. Get into arguement, break up with boyfriend. 2. Go online and create an online dating profile 3. About a week or 2 later, said person kisses and makes up with boyfriend. Apparently dating sites area great way for a person to feel better about themselves, without ever having to meet someone in person. It's a venue for those rebounding from people who are on a "break" from a currrent relationship. You know, the most interest I ever had, I simply went and viewed their profile, and occasionally added a few to my favorites list. I think I've only initiated contact with three guys in the roughly 2 years I was on dating site, and only went out with one of them. We're still really good friends. I'm in my mid-30s, very ambivalent about having any more kids, so I'm thinking that an older guy might be a very good match for me. Last year, I had a great guy who was almost 50 that I was very interested in, and I kind of regret not pursuing that. But I also know that the guy I did end up dating was exactly the guy I needed to date at that point in my life. On the flip side, I've got a 21 year old that's hot for me. It's a little bit of an ego boost until I start doing the math and figure out that I'm old enough to be his mom.
Intricategirl Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I met this woman online, she's 44 years old, single, never married, never had any children, and on her POF profile says she doesn't even want any children. Definately rare in this neck of the woods, because if women are single aruond here, they're single moms, to find a 44 year old woman that's SINGLE without kids, is a unique person. I emailed her, and she said that she was very impressed with my email....we corresponded back and forth, and we got along real great, even shared our FACEBOOK profiles (friended each other) Then one day, we've spoken for a week, I finally asked for her # and about meeting up some days, then she said she was getting back with her ex. I figured typical, I have noticed though, people that areon these dating sites are typically REBOUNDING....it's a great way for a person to rebound without having casual sex. 1. Get into arguement, break up with boyfriend. 2. Go online and create an online dating profile 3. About a week or 2 later, said person kisses and makes up with boyfriend. Apparently dating sites area great way for a person to feel better about themselves, without ever having to meet someone in person. It's a venue for those rebounding from people who are on a "break" from a currrent relationship. You know, that's actually what led me to take down my dating profiles. Sort of... I've dated four guys since my divorce, and each one was emotionally unavailable in his own unique way. I mean, they are nice guys in a lot of other respects, but every one being scared of commitment? 2 getting over exes, 2 not ready for commitment. And it got me wondering if maybe the medium itself is to blame. I was on Okcupid and POF- both free sites- and I'm wondering if the fact that these guys don't even want to put any sort of investment into meeting someone is a sign of how they approach relationships. I don't know. I've known people that met each other online and had great relationships, so I'm not pretending that my data is an overall trend. I'm introspective enough to understand that there's a possibility I'm not really looking for a relationship, so I keep picking guys that won't give me one. I don't think that's the case, but I recognize it's a possibility. So, I'm trying other means of meeting people. The cute guy at the grocery store will have to put some effort into saying hello to me, or I'll have to buy the hot guy at the coffee shop a cup... It forces us to put some effort into it, you know? And then, if I keep meeting guys that I deem "emotionally unavailable", the problem is probably with me. I dunno. Theory I'm working on...
Disillusioned Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I recently decided to give my profile another go on Okcupid. Yet, I'm starting to get down in the dumps again over who responds/ doesn't respond to my messages. It's just frustrating, because I'll write a decent message trying to get a conversation going, or just winging it and being fun, yet they won't even bother to look at my profile....I just get ignored completely. Perhaps it's my profile image?? I read another thread on here about women who receive hundreds of messages on online dating sites. Am I just losing out to more attractive people? Or are they just too busy or overwhelmed to respond to me. I've even messages people who live super far away from me, just to talk and get to know one another...apparently I'm not even good enough to be friends with?? Feels bad man. Dump dump dumpdumpdump
january2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I'm in my 30s. And despite having celebrated a birthday, not having a picture and not having logged on in a couple of months, since Valentine's Day, have been kept much more busy than when I first joined. Have had some really interesting ongoing conversations with seemingly 'normal' blokes, even ones who are from overseas who aren't 100% fluent in English. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't an ego boost to a certain extent but it's also reassuring that there are 'normal' guys out there. Interestingly, quite a few have told me that they've had trouble finding 'normal' women on the site. The guys I've spoken to seem to appreciate how straightforward I am and I suppose this reassures them to a certain extent that I'm not some crazy woman or a male scammer pretending to be a woman.
irc333 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 You know, that's actually what led me to take down my dating profiles. Sort of... I've dated four guys since my divorce, and each one was emotionally unavailable in his own unique way. I mean, they are nice guys in a lot of other respects, but every one being scared of commitment? 2 getting over exes, 2 not ready for commitment. And it got me wondering if maybe the medium itself is to blame. I was on Okcupid and POF- both free sites- and I'm wondering if the fact that these guys don't even want to put any sort of investment into meeting someone is a sign of how they approach relationships. Exactly, I get the feeling the vast majority of singles (and they're technically single) but not emotionally available for NEW interest, because they're in transition with current boyfriend that they're having trouble with. My first onlined date was with a woman I dated for a bout a few months, she called it off, saying she hadt o focus on college or crap, then her good friend told me that she was still getting over her ex that dumped JUST before she placed a profile on the dating site. Dating sites are a haven for people who get on the "outs" of a current long term relationship, so they run home, they're gulping down a PINT of Hagen Daas, lol...and they quickly put up a profile as tears run down their eyes. (well that's my perspective, since I'm a male seeking a woman) Then, one day, hwen they're corresponding with you, they say, "Hey, I just got back with my boyfriend!" (Notice they don't say EX boyfriend) Also, there was this one woman, I swear, she was a ticking time bomb taht said IN her profile she actually went on and on about how her heart as broken and she was looking for someone to fill it. She had so many contradictions in it. I don't know how a person could put this up on a public profile, and have no shame or be aware of how bad they really sounded. LOL. It's like online dating sites (at least the free ones) are a haven for those getting over a boyfriend, or on a 'break' from a current boyfriend they've dated for 5 or 10 years. I remember this one woman, I met online....she claimed her LAST boyfriend was an abusive, beer guzzling loser, that she broke up with , litterly 10 or 15 times...and got back together with him each time. THe FINAL straw was when she decided "That's it, NO more!!"....the guy kept coming banging on her door at night, "Cooomee on honey, I know you'll take me back like you always do!" But she never answered the door. I went out with her a couple of times...but when in communication between dates, she remaind elusive, couldn't even talk or chat past 6 pm at night, it was wierd, also couldn't do certain things. I got a vibe she was hiding something ( I was just speculating, she was trying to work things out with said ex, once again) AFter that, I never saw nor heard from her agiain, she just vanished.
Jazzari Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Interestingly, quite a few have told me that they've had trouble finding 'normal' women on the site. The guys I've spoken to seem to appreciate how straightforward I am and I suppose this reassures them to a certain extent that I'm not some crazy woman or a male scammer pretending to be a woman. That's really interesting. The comment I get most often is "wow, I can't believe someone real is on here". I've never really know exactly what that meant.
january2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 (edited) That's really interesting. The comment I get most often is "wow, I can't believe someone real is on here". I've never really know exactly what that meant. I think you might have your answer. Quite a few have told me that they are relieved to have a 'normal' conversation. I've also noticed that their tone changes from the first message to their subsequent messages. From 'playa-like' and immature to more candid, serious and adult. The length of the messages also seem to get progressively longer and the guys take more care with their grammar and punctuation. I think that because I try to shoot from the hip in my interactions on the site, it weeds out those who just want to mess around and flirt. One of the guys also mentioned that he's concerned about the no pic profiles because his first thought is that it's a male scammer. Edited February 19, 2011 by january2011
oaks Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 One of the guys also mentioned that he's concerned about the no pic profiles because his first thought is that it's a male scammer. I have a (mild) aversion to no pic profiles. It makes me slightly suspicious that the woman has something to hide, or that she isn't actually available. I'm sure there are at least 100 other reasons why a woman wouldn't post a pic that aren't sinister. Do you mind if I ask why you don't have a pic in your profile?
january2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 Do you mind if I ask why you don't have a pic in your profile? I don't want to be contacted primarily because of the way that I look. If a guy makes an effort at conversation, demonstrates that he's read my profile and then asks nicely, I'll probably send a picture to him if I think that we've built up enough rapport. Since we're probably not in the same dating pool, I wouldn't worry about it, oaks.
oaks Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I don't want to be contacted primarily because of the way that I look. If a guy makes an effort at conversation, demonstrates that he's read my profile and then asks nicely, I'll probably send a picture to him if I think that we've built up enough rapport. Since we're probably not in the same dating pool, I wouldn't worry about it, oaks. Not worried. Just curious. That sounds like a good reason to me.
daphne Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 She goes back on the dating site THAT night, and sees him signed ONLINE, so he would rather sit at home on a dating site on a Sat night, than to go out with her. I Think some people are so addicted to dating sites, they just like the perpetual "fun" of chasing people online (or with women, men chasing them) That totally happened to me years ago when I tried online dating. The guy was super interested, but went invisible the night we were supposed to meet when I came online to check details of where we were to meet. I tried to contact him to make sure we were still on but no response. Several weeks later he was blowing up my email trying to figure out why I wouldn't respond. :lmao: Seriously. The online chase is more exciting than the potential of getting laid at some future point in time???? I've definitely seen that. I think now I just like to avoid any guy who spends an inordinate amount of time logged in. There's something wrong with him.
daphne Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 I was diagnosed with Crohn's and had a resection where they took 7 feet of my small intestine out of me. So I wanted to get a tattoo that mapped out my small intestine, but the area that was removed would be represented by a dotted line....She apparently didn't like that idea and walked out me. I don't mean to be unkind. I had a friend with Crohn's disease. However, the idea of the tattoo would have probably been distasteful to me and although I doubt I would have walked out, I would have mentally checked out at that point.
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